Steve Hein's EQI.org

 

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feb 9 i need help - i am very low on emotional fuel. very low motivtion. missing priscilla a lot. this month is her birthday. been reading elaine aron's site hsperson.com - a lot of the things she says bother me. it hurts i can't talk to priscilla about it.
Jan 11 - I searched searched "depressed people need emotional support" today - 1 result. Searched "depressed people need empathy" 9 results. This is another indication that people don't understand depression. Here is my list of what undepresses me.

No results found for "how can i stop my emotional pain".

Jan 3 - I found an interesting site... http://relationships911.org/ I first found this page when I was searching the word "overreact" - which reminds me of Priscilla and how I told her she overreacted last year --- something I regret a lot now...
Dec 30 - An example of a bad listener
Dec 29 - Why I don't say "Happy Birthday"
Dec 26 - Feel a little relieved the day many call Christmas is over.

Just saw someone who reminded me of Bea. She was looking through the trash. Then came over and asked me something about the "rodoviaria" - that is the word for bus station in Portuguese. I wonder if Bea will become a crazy old homeless lady one day. I worry about her mental health... But anyhow I was motivated to write today because of an email I got - Here is what it said

I would like to order both feelings list and the PDF. I love, love, love the work you are doing. Please accept a donate to EQI.org with the balance of the Paypal payment.

When I read it my eyes got watery from tears. Finally someone shows me that they value my work, my writing, my ideas, my mind. more

Dec 21 - I woke up feeling pretty empty, discouraged. I was thinking of a video I saw about trucks going from Calais to England and all the people trying to get to the UK. I'm also missing B. It seems she really left this time. It seems when she realized she wasn't going to be able to use me anymore, she decided it was time to look for someone else - this reminds me of Angela, who seduced and stole my best friend and partner, Priscilla. And it reminds me of Igor, who conned me out of nearly 1,000 dollars when I lived in Montenegro. Angela has drained Priscilla and I of much more than that. As I look back and read articles like this one

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201201/the-highly-sensitive-person-and-the-narcissist

I feel more taken advantage of. But I also feel disagreeing with the over-generalizations and labels. And I feel disagreeing with how people say things like 'just leave them, get away" etc.

I really cared about Bea and I am sure that Priscilla really cared or cares about Angela. But Priscilla and I are different than Bea and Angela. We are more caring, less controlling, we might say. I would really like to spend some time with Priscilla again to compare notes on what we have both been through and both learned since Angela broke us up. I feel kind of free now actually, now that Bea is gone. I feel free to spend time with Priscilla, but I also feel sad to think she might not want to spend time with me again, even if she has finally become free from Angela somehow.

I am glad that I started to "set limits" or boundaries with Bea. I stopped giving her money for everything she wanted, for example. I stopped spending so much time with her. She was really draining me. I thought of Priscilla and Angela many times I realized I was getting into the same situation that P was in and that I was in back in 2005 or so with Laura from Peru - I was running around, trying to please everyone, stressing myself, trying to do too much, afraid Bea would leave me. I felt much more depressed when Laura left and when Priscilla was stolen from me. I won't say Priscilla left me. She was robbed from me like my laptop was stolen in Uruguay. But P was far from perfect. She didn't support me much in the end. Yet she was still good to talk to and good to hug. Well I guess that is all for now. Oh one more thing- in the PT article the author says "just leave" - she says it is not your job to take care of someone else. This is very cold and uncaring. I believe it depends on if the other person wants your help. Like an alcoholic - if they deny they have a problem and don't want your help then maybe all you can do is leave. Now I think of Angela - she is smart enough to say that she wants help. She is good at getting sympathy and feeling helpless. P and I both saw this but P got sucked in too quickly to save herself. I suspect Angela will kill or destroy P in the end. But maybe not. I am really glad that I started separating myself from Bea. P hasn't been able to do this, mostly because Angela has no money - or at least she didn't when I was talking to her. In the last few days before B left I told her I would pay for her hostel, bu t that was all. I said I would not help her with money to get back to Sao Paulo. I figured she would figure something out, and she did. She got money from her mother. But not before she got another 100 pesos from me. She was supposed to use it to pay for the bed here at the Park Hostel, but she didn't pay them. She pocketed the money. When I asked her why she didn't pay she said something like "Oh, I didn't want to." She taught me to be afraid of asking more questions. If I would say "why not" she would say something like "I just didn't want to!"

This is very South American. Laura would say "porque no quiero!"

Still, even though I feel used and taken advantage of and "suckered" I miss B. I miss laying next to her and I miss the good talks that we did have sometimes. I miss touching her skin. It was so soft and smooth. She is only the second black girl who I have touched like that I think. I think their skin is a bit different. More like a snake haha. Or maybe it was all the cream and lotion she put on it.

I don't want to call B a narcissist. To me she was just very, very needy and very abused. She was also very confused I think. I would still help her if she wanted help. But she didn't like me analyzing her or even asking her how she felt. She also didn't like me telling her what I thought about her mother. I asked her once how she felt when I cried. She said "blamed." This is probably one reason she felt no empathy for me - she felt defensive. I feel really sad when I think about what happened to her. This is another problem with these articles about narcisissm. They don't seem to understand that people get extremely needy for a reason. And they don't talk about what is wrong in society.

Dec 17 -I am feeling love for Bea. But sadness too because we are both in so much pain. We are both so needy. We don't want to hurt each other, but we keep doing it. I have been trying to teach her Paulish and how to listen to me. I need someone who can listen to me and talk about their feelings and emotional needs. So far she hasn't learned to do it and hasn't felt motivated to learn how to do it. I thought she was leaving me two days ago. Then today she said again she was leaving. I thought she left for the last time. Then I come out of the bathroom by the pool and see her laying in the hammock. I went over and said nothing. I looked at her lovingly and she stared into the distance, not making eye contact. I understand she has a lot to think about. Later she closed her eyes and nodded off to sleep. I looked at her hands, her lips, her legs, her face. I know all of her body. I have touched it all. Her soft, dark skin. No one here understands or supports us. If I try to talk to people about her I usually get really bad advice. It helps me a lot to talk to someone. I can't talk to her. I've tried and tried. Maybe she will learn the importance of talking about feelings and emotional needs, and she will learn to express her pain without attacking me or invalidating me. Maybe she will have to suffer more before she is motivated to learn. I suffered a lot before I was motivated to learn some new things -- before I opened up and started reading.
Dec 15 What my gf wrote me last night

I WILL SURVIVE. MAYBE I`M NOT THE PERFECT GIRL FOR YOU.
TOMORROW I AM LEAVING.
SORRY FOR GIVING IT UP.

Dec 10 - Writing about emergency first aid, nvc, -- trying to help a couple in a lot of emotional pain
Dec 9 - I am feeling motivated this morning, Secure. Productive. Things seem ok with my gf and I. I got my first English student last night - got paid 50 Argentine pesos - about 4 dollars haha but I was very happy. The hostel is just 100 pesos. I am working on audio files. Learning to use Wavepad, learning how to edit m4a audio files. Working on edits of big Rosenberg audio file.
Dec 8 2 pm Journal writing
Dec 8 -Writing about a homeless guy who sleeps acroos the street from my hostel.
Dec 7 - I am trying a new format for the home page, as you might have noticed...

Today I want to show some things I am working on...

- The two year old boy and his parents in Argentina https://youtu.be/baLBU2KUMgM - More

-Five I messages example

- Voice recordings http://eqi.org/p5/j/audio/dec7.wma -- http://eqi.org/p5/j/audio/dec7b.wma

http://eqi.org/p5/j/audio/dec7c.wma -- http://eqi.org/p5/j/audio/dec7d.wma

-- http://eqi.org/p5/j/audio/dec7e.wma -- http://eqi.org/p5/j/audio/dec7f.wma

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Windows I had open

http://www.asociacioncomunicacionnoviolenta.org/ -- http://www.cnvargentina.com.ar/about.php

https://www.cnvc.org/training-countries/argentina --

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/acquired-spontaneity/201206/basic-pitfalls-using-nvc Kashtan article about NVC problems --- https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/acquired-spontaneity/201206/basic-pitfalls-using-nvc

http://www.institut-espere.com/trainertrainerinnen.html -- http://www.centrereliance.com/equipe/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/acquired-spontaneity/201510/attending-inner-conflict - this was recommended to me by SoulRiser, founder of School Survival - I haven't read it yet.

http://www.cafepress.com/mf/61319574/yuk-foo-graphic2_tshirt?productId=589035400 - a t shirt I designed a long time ago.

http://iguazuena.com.ar/_/?cat=6 Claudio http://www.motherhoodandmore.com/2015/12/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers.html

https://www.amara.org/pt/videos/8aBMgqzni4rN/en-gb/832850/ Rosenberg Depression audio (I strongly disagree with him when he says this They feel their depression because of how they think about themselves.

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Beging in south america is a good place to watch what doesn't work. Or I might say "South America is a good place to see what doesn't work." For example what doesn't work with children. Here is one example... Just now I started watching a 2 year old and his parents

i told you you could go here and here
no podes... You can't...
te dije you can go here and here but not here. (i told you)
veni vas a caer - come. you are going to fall.

he runs back
2 years old

come sit in the chair
veni sentate en la silla

he is screaming inside now - she says basta

then she tries signing to distract him

she tells him not to touch my bicycle.

she takes him back inside. he immediately comes out and goes over to it and touches it more. and says touch touch.

once he makes it all the way to the swiming pool. i get up to follow him. then his father comes out. i watch to see what will happenn. the father gently pulls him away but doesn't explain that the pool is dangerous or that the father and mother are afraid he could drown and die.

Dec 6 -2015 I want to write something about Priscilla. P was my partner and best friend from about 2011 to 2014. We are no longer speaking at all. I feel sad about that. P was one of the best people I ever met when it comes to emotional support and understanding. She was very supportive of my ideas and my beliefs. We had so many things in common. I now have a new romantic partner but I still miss having P as a friend. P used to really care about me. And I cared about her. For my part, I can honestly say I do still care about her. I would try to help her if I could and it wasn't too painful. It became painful to see the choices she was making and the decisions she was making. It became too painful to feel so abandoned by her and so replaced by someone else. It became too painful to worry so much about her and care so much about her mental and physical health and feel so powerless.

I would not want anyone to suffer the pain that I suffered when P left me and stopped talking to me. The final "straw" for me was when she didn't acknowledge my birthday a few months ago. I had written to her and asked her just acknowledge it. She has never explained why she didn't acknowledge it or my mail. I learned in 2014 how painful it is to not even be acknowledged by someone, especially when you are already in pain.

Anyhow, I wanted to say that I miss P and I am thinking of her today. Hug to P if she wants one. Here is her page.

Radovan and I are talking now about writing more for teenagers, to help them understand what abusive parents are and what abuse does to them. He is feeling more motivated by that than I am actually. Maybe because I have worked with teens for so long. And maybe because I spent some time with a few parents recently who are trying to be "cycle-breakers" but they don't have much really helpful guidance.

Nov 30 Radovan in Slovakia has made his first video about Paulish https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yRlNxjHptQ

.

Abuse

Anger

Caring

Caring vs. Control

Common Painful Feelings

Conflict Resolution

Cutting/Self Harm

Depression

Education

Emotional Abuse

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Needs

Empathy

Hein Painful Emotions

Technique

Invalidation

Listening

Love

Mail from Readers

Motivation

Needs vs. Rights

Pain

Parenting

Peace

Respect

Romantic Relationships

Teen Suicide

Understanding ....

Search EQI.org

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Here is a more complete list of topics

 

 

Nov 29 - I have started working with Melina in Argentina. I am trying to help her become financially independent. She wants to be a translator. I am trying to save her from what I call the black hole - more

 
Nov 28 update - Now it is about noon. I wanted to post a letter I got from Tim. Tim is around 21 now - He found EQI at age 16. It is on his page as Nov 28 2015 mail  
Nov 28 - I spent most of the day yesterday with children and a few adults who are trying to educate them in an alternative way. I am staying in the home of the people who started this school http://www.educacionviva.com.uy/ - I would like to teach the adults and children my Paulish and my ideas about education and parenting. I am also thinking it would be nice to have an EQI University since so many people believe in the university system (more than believe in Heaven or Allah or Buddha even since people in all countries around the world believe in the university as the pathway to happiness or salvation or success). Here is a mail I sent to Tim...

i was just thinking of starting something we could call EQI university. a lot of people still believe in universities and the university system. i am talking to a 17 year old girl in argentina who is planning to start uni. but i want her to work with me instead. i told her ayer that there is enough material on eqi to fill up 4 years of study. enough reading for example, and enough papers that could be written about the ideas and enough research that could be started from it. so i thought if u want some day u can help create a website to do that. have u seen the school of life videos? i learned a lot from them but they are too mainstream for me. they advocate psychotherapy for example in one video and they sell too much stuff on their website. so its still too much about money for my taste. anyhow id like it if we could help more pple learn these things.

 
Nov 27 Ayer a few people said "Happy Thanksgiving to me" I wrote to one and said I don't give a **** about American holidays anymore. And I feel sad for all the turkeys that are killed".
I updated the page called
What Undepresses Me
 
Nov 26 - I've been working on my Paulish page. Also, thinking about Stephen Lewis as another example of an emotionally intelligent soldier. Here is an article by Democracy Now about him and others..  
Nov 23 - started some j writing - see nov 23

Nov 22 2015

ta (thinking about) Priscilla, Radovan, Tim, CJ, B, guy I talked to yesterday (ayer)

Feel love for Priscilla, B, even a little for Angela - who needs love or more specifically all of its ingredients... read more

 
Nov 21

"I measured love by how much pain someone would take from me"

This just made me cry...

It is around the 4 minute mark of this movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1WdfVWo1pQ

I am also working more on the Ophelia. page

Also, I am getting more worried about money these days. My new gf is very expensive haha and she doesn't have rich parents like Priscilla had who send her money haha.

 
Nov 20 2015 If you read this note, please send me a word of encouragement/support. I have been in a lot of pain, depressed and lacking motivation to work on the site. Thank you. Steve

And thank you to CJ who chatted with me last night. It helped a lot to talk to you.

Also, here are some notes from the book Reviving Ophelia.

 
Nov 18 2015 It is hard to keep trying when the person who knew you the best decides your life doesn't matter.

I met someone else but she is not here now. I am alone. We hardly talk. She is a thousand miles away. I need someone here, next to me. Holding me.

 
If you have been visiting the site regularly you saw my I miss Priscilla page instead of this home page. Today I thought of changing it to "I miss my Brazilian gf". But I will see her tonight, so for now I will just leave this page as it is. Steve Nov 1, 2015  
Nov 7 - I am feeling more inspired to write again A lot is going on. I am going to start posting more pictures. Here are two from Brazil. I am sitting in the hallway where I can work and eat while my new partner sleeps. We already had a very good talk this morning. About caring and controlling mothers, for example. She realizes now her mother was much more controlling than caring. I feel good I have helped one more person become more aware. It looks like I am also going to save her from the black hole - the university. She is 22and was studying in what supposedly is the best university in Brazil or even South America according to some. But she was very depressed, confused, lost. She told me she felt suffocated. Now she says she is very happy. She is almost a 180 change from Priscilla. Priscilla was almost always feeling pessimistic. Bea is almost always feeling optimistic. Priscilla wanted to become transgender and become a male. I laugh now. I still love Priscilla but I don't need her so much now. Now I have a 'replacement'. I felt replaced when P left me and replaced me with Angela. But anyhow, ya paso as they say in South America. It already passed. That is the kind of attitude B has. She says But it was yesterday. She doesnt place much value on talking about the past, and I do, so this has been a conflict. But for today at least I am feeling optimistic. I feel valued by B. And very important to her. The other night I felt cared about when I was feeling terrified, paralyzed, petrified. I could not speak. I laid down in the floor and curled up and cried. Eventually she did what I needed. Something P was always too afraid to do. She came over to me. She touched me. She stayed with me. She said many things to try to comfort me. She called me her prince and other sweet things. She is very feminine. Sometimes too much haha. Like when she spends 1 hour in the bathroom and it is already past checkout time in the hotel. haha. Like yesterday. But we had a very relaxed person working in that hotel and she didn't mind at all that we checked out 2.5 hours late! Now it is about 11 AM btw. I have so much to write about I can't say it all... But anyhow that is a little update. Thanks for reading. Oh, I told B that I am really fucked up and I needed her to help me and she said she is also fucked up and needs me. The other day she was the one who was crying and I just sat there with her and put my hand on her shoulder. P almost never cried. I feel a little bad comparing them but... it is something I need to do I guess. There have been times when I wished B could talk about her feelings like P could, but overall this is going pretty well. We have known each other 2 weeks and 2 days now haha. I will keep you posted. My life has suddenly changed in a big way. There will be lots to write about. If you feel depressed, keep thinking about what you need and keep trying to find it. Maybe you will.

- update Dec 6 - It is a little too hard to post pictures - there are too many steps required. So I've pretty much changed my mind about posting pictures here. I might start a new fb account...it is easier to post them there. IDK yet.