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Here is the regular list of stuff. The list includes....

Abuse | Anger| | Caring vs. Control | Conflict Resolution | Cutting/Self Harm | Depression | Education Emotional Abuse | Emotional Intelligence | Emotional Needs | Invalidation Listening | Love | Mail from Readers | Motivation | Needs vs. Rights | Pain | Parenting | Peace | Respect | Teen Suicide | Understanding .... More

April 24

It is about 2 AM. I woke up awhile ago, thinking about "CM". I will call her CMfor "confused mom."

We had a 5 hour chat a few days ago. I felt so content, so peaceful after our long talk. She is confused and abused. Or abused and confused. First came the abuse. Then the confusion. She has been confused all her life. She is trying hard to figure things out now. She emailed me a few times and I asked her how she would feel about chatting. I was feeling kind of desperate for someone to talk to. She seemed to understand my work and support it.

So we did talk. We talked a very long time. If we had been charging each other at the rates Naomi Aldort gets I would owe her over 1,000 dollars. Ha ha And she would owe me over 1,000 dollars. So we would generate 2,000 dollars for the economy and pay taxes on that. ha ha So the government would be happy. The "governmeent", who ever that is.

I don't like these faceless groups, like corporations and governmnts. I remember when I had a conflict with "the board" ie the "board of directors" for the condo association I am in. Their employee (who I pay part of her salary) kept talking about ""the board". Now I have a conflict with the people who call themselves "council" in Australia. I have some land there and I am thinking of selling it or giving it back to the "rightful" owners - who actually should be the aboriginals, haha But now some other people, whose ancestors killed most of the aboriginals, are the owners. I am just leasing it from them, you might say. I can sell my "lease" to someone else, and they will call it their land, but really we all are just leasing it from the "owners", ie the "government" who pretty much stole it from the aboriginals. Of course the council members probably won't look at it that way.

This whole thing about land ownership, and it hurts me to use that term, is really bothering me more and more It didn't used to bother me.Not till I met Delma. I mss Delma. And I miss CM.

I am worried about CM. She had a plan to kill herself recently. hug to CM.

We sent each other a lot of hugs. Once she sent me "bit hugs." I miss her hugs. Even tho they were just online hugs. And I miss the hugs of Delma and Priscilla. The three best huggers in the past few year or so let's say/ I got lots and lots and lots of hugs from Priscilla. Real ones/ But I don't know what has happened to her. She hasn't replied at all to my last few mails. I asked her to just tell me if she is alive and she didn't reply. That was about 2 weeks ago. She could be dead literally. Or in a hospital somewhere. Or in a jail. She was in a very abusive situation and her health was bad and she was getting more and more desperate.

I don't know why things have to be so hard, so complicated, as Avril said. I don't really think they do have to be that complicated.

On another note, the more I find out about Naomi Aldort, the less I like her. She is definitely very Jewish, or Israeli. I suspect she is deliberately hiding the fact she is from Israel. But in her videos you can hear she still has a noticeable accent. She is too pushy, too cold for me. Too much like Marshall Rosenberg. They both talk about empathy or validation, but they don't really feel much empathy. I call it fake empathy.

She would make a good psychologist. She says all the right words, or most of them. The whole thing about her having or not having a PhD is very suspicious. It is troubling. Telling, as my good friend (not) Dan Goleman would say. He liked hat word. haha. "Telling" He makes me sick. haha When I say that I think of Sarah... And when I think of Sarah I think of Priscilla. And then I think of CM and then Delma and then Priscilla. haha. And just keep going round and round in circles....

How do I "break the circle"?

I feel very sad suddenly.

I miss..... so many pple. I miss Ocean. I miss Loo. Loo could be so sweet.

One person I don't miss is Angela. haha

She is the one who tricked Priscilla. She is the "femme fatale."

Priscilla was so vulnerable.... So abused. I am frustrated with myself for not protecting P more. I tried but messed things up. I was too needy. Too hungry. I am the starving boy, in case you hadn't figured it out. P tried to feed me. She tried to give me all the food I needed. But finally she needed too much herself and there wasn't enough for both of us, Or so we thought. I thought there was. But she didn't. I wanted to feed her, but I was starving. It is a fucked situation basically. Why were we both so hungry? Simple answer.... well let's say there is a "simple" answer and a much longer, more complicated one. It is sort of like saying, why does someone in France speak French. Seems simple enough, but why French and why not, say, Latin? Or some other language that ame before that?

We might say the reason is due to violence. There were wars, many wars. A lot of killing. And in the end, a group of people took control of the area now called France and they developed their own version of Latin and it is now called French.

It is very similar actually to why P and I are so hungry and why we speak English. And Spanish. It is all due to killing. Wars, and violence and killing. And abuse. Lots and lots of abuse, for centuries.

I would like to show this to CM and ask her opinion of it. I showed her my writing on abusive governments and she said... (see below)

April 23 -

The Starving Boy

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Tried to join Naomi Aldort's forum and got this

Thank you for registering! Your account will need to be approved before you have full access to the forums. You will be notified via email once your account has been reviewed.

Read more on the April 23 journal entry on the Naomi Aldort page

I am going try something new today. I created a chat room which I will use from time to time. It will be here. http://http://us21.chatzy.com/51702411489211

I will give it a password and change it from time to time. When I am online the next time I will post the password. But now I am going to sleep.

Adblocker - I got tired of looking at her picture on every page of her site, so I used addblocker to block the image haha. It was called naomi2012..jpg. I also blocked the one with her (or some other lady, I'm not sure), a baby and another kid.
April 22 - Feeling sad today. Loss. Alone.
Post

Hello! I'm new to the forum. I read most of the articles as well as other resources on attached parenting but I really need help.

I'm not sure even how to start and where to begin... My daughter is 3 years old. We're still co-sleeping. She was breastfed until 2 years 7 months. She was carried (and still I carry her when she wants to), I hug her a lot - she wants that... But I still think we have an attachment issue. Why? Here's why:

1. Her reaction to my absence. When I need to go somewhere without her, it's very difficult to leave. She starts screaming and crying, it doesn't matter where and with whom she will stay. The only exception is preschool - she loves going there so this is the only place I can kiss, hug and say goodbye and leave without any drama. In all other cases she gets very upset and it can last quite long (fresh from this Sunday - 40 minutes of screaming and crying after I left). I am sometimes forced to sneak out without her seeing me - if she doesn't witness my departure, there is no screaming - proven. But I hate doing that, it seems like lying to her and I'm afraid it will ruin the trust between us. Also, when I come back, often her joy of seeing me is quickly replaced by anger and another temper tantrum, which includes screaming, crying, rolling on the floor, throwing everything she can get her hands on, taking off her clothes, trying to hit, bite and scratch me, and last but not least - "I don't want mommy", "Go away" etc. She would not let me touch her in any way, she would not let me get close to her even. After some time (can last up to 40 minutes) she calms herself down and comes for a hug. This bothers me and it is the main reason why I think we're having an attachment problem.
2. The rest cannot be categorized and it's not so clear even to me... She won't eat, that's a problem. My mother opened Pandora's box last year by giving her chocolate. Now, if it's chocolate - my daughter will eat it gladly. But something else - no. Very rarely. She eats yogurt, bananas, cucumbers, corn, bread and a certain type of sausages. That's it. Oh, and my cinnamon cake but that's dessert, not real food. Up until recently she was eating better at preschool but now the teachers are telling me she's not eating much there either. She's healthy, I took her to the doctor - there is no physiological reason for her lack of appetite and no other medical problem. She's not losing weight, she's growing, she doesn't appear skinny. But I'm worried, I need to find a way to convince her to eat real food - at least in small quantities. 

Another problem that we have is that sometimes she's not very cooperative - she wouldn't get dressed (or undressed, depending on situation), she wouldn't do what I'm asking her to do (go out, go home, put her toys in the box etc). It's not always; in fact, things are much better than they were 6 months ago but still it sometimes drives me crazy, especially when we're in a hurry and she wouldn't get dressed (and I do allow her to choose her clothes). We're also having a discipline issue - again, things were much worse 6 months ago but still there's much to be desired. And here I'm struggling with my own past - I see that sometimes I'm too authoritarian because that's how I was raised and that's the most common parenting style in my country. And sometimes I'm too permissive because I felt guilty about being so authoritarian. So I know my own lack of consistency is causing issues and I need help here. I need guidance as to how to find the right way - I don't want to spoil her and I don't want to make her obedient, following orders blindly because I (or another adult) said so.

Apologies for the long posting; I will appreciate any advice I can get. Thanks!

 

 

Image by Betsy Streeter

Something else from her that I liked - http://www.slideshare.net/betsystreeter/the-best-question-in-the-world?ref=http://betsystreeter.com/cartoons/

 

Confused Mom

First off, I would like to say, that so much of what I read on your website hits me to the core.  I usually am weeping, because so much of my life is explained in what you say.  I feel that I have always lived with emotional abuse and that I haven't known what it is like to live without that.  I have never lived on my own without an authority figure/usually a Christian authority figure, or a husband. 

Wow, wow, just wow.  I am trying so hard to articulate what I feel and how certain things just jump out to me.  I am journaling a lot and writing out a lot of what you have written into my journal, so that I can better understand what I have gone through growing up with emotional abuse, growing up with the expectations and rigidity and lack of understanding of the Christian religion, and an emotionally abusive, needy, controlling (possibly borderline personality disorder) spouse.

Now, back to my feedback/feelings about the government abuse page(s):
There is a huge vaccine debate here in the US.  Those who question their doctors about vaccines are usually denied treatment.  There has been talk about putting the unvaccinated into concentration camps and that those who are unvaccinated are endangering others.  It's very fear mongering and about control.  90-95% of the US population has been vaccinated and still there are outbreaks.  The most recent being measles, yet it is so small in comparison to the rest of the population.  They are doing things to control people, rather than showing that they care. 

Most of the people who don't get their kids or themselves vaccinated are truly concerned about the possible effects of vaccinations and they are often bullied, made fun of, called selfish, and not empathized with at all.  It really truly breaks my heart.  Especially when I read stories from mothers who watches their child change dramatically after a round of vaccines and how easily they are dismissed as just bad and irresponsible mothers by most of society.  And one of the government's ideas for a bill to remedy this situation, was to try to make everyone be fully vaccinated to be able to go to school or get a job.  Stuff like that. 

That kind of control really scares me.  Also this idea that school is good and safe.  It is not.  Teachers are so abusive.  I was a compliant easily controlled, student.  But I remember a teacher violently throwing a student's desk into the hallway when he wouldn't "behave."  And then having my name shamefully written on the board and embarrassed in front of other students for talking out of turn. 

I remember having a really bad day my senior year when I was 18 (a legal adult).  I asked the nurse if because I was 18 and we couldn't get a hold of my mom if I could just go home.  She said no.  I was pretty angry.  It was also hard for me, because I was also taking post-secondary classes at a community college and I was really enjoying the freedom of not needing to ask permission to get up and use the bathroom, that I could just leave when I needed to and miss days, often without being noticed.  I also hated that it was obvious that I had been crying and was in emotional distress, but no one asked me what was wrong or how I was feeling.  There was so much control without caring.  Then I felt angry and like I should just leave anyway, but I didn't.  I went back to my class and hid my feelings.

I also worked as a lunch lady very briefly at a few more private charter schools.  I felt that the children were being children and the teachers were often unnecessarily harsh and demanding.  There was this one music teacher who would yell at and embarrass her often male students for misbehaving in class.  I remember feeling so sorry for the student she was talking to and the fact that I could hear her berate him from her class, all the way into the cafeteria where I preparing his food.  Later, I worked as a waitress and she was seated at one of my tables.  She acted completely differently, but I felt scared that she was going to lecture and berate me, the way she did her students.  No other adult ever said anything to her about how she was talking to her students.  It seemed the students were always blamed and expected to act better than even the teachers.

I feel very helped by what you have written about government and its rules/control.  I was raised in a Christian home/culture (my best friend from age 10 to very recently, because I no longer consider her my best friend, is a certified pastor with the Assemblies of God denomination and is currently on her way to Costa Rica to share Jesus with Muslims.  Also, a note about my pain in that, is that we are taught within the Christian religion to follow God over our family/friends and relationships.  I shared with her my depression and pain and my plans for suicide.  That was in February.  Since that time she didn't follow up with me, but sent me a shared text about her excitement to finally be again following what she feels is God's plan for her of being a missionary.  I felt abandoned and uncared for) which teaches that people who are not Christians will go to hell.  And not just like hell, but horribly tortured for eternity.  This means that if they have been tortured for billions of years, then they haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg of what an eternity of torture is!  And this for just not believing in Christ.  And it all depends on how they believed.  Some denominations taught that Mother Theresa went to hell!  Thankfully, I was never comfortable with this belief. It tortured me for years, especially after my gay friend died suddenly in a car accident and the coldness from my Christian friends about her death!  Wow.  Thankfully, I started seriously questioning and I no longer believe that. 

I am reading through the stuff that Wayne wrote.  I agree that depression is a belief that one does not have control over one's life.  Wow.  What a realization.

And yes, I have felt trapped by government rules and regulations (speed traps).  And by having to pay taxes for programs that I don't need nor believe it.  Like, we are taxed for medicare, which is primarily for the medical establishment.  Perhaps alternative healing methods would be better, but there is no option for this. 

I don't like the word privilege either.  Like it's called a privilege to drive a car in America.  But other systems are not in place for transportation unless you live in a big city that provides this.  Like, in a city that I lived in in Colorado, they were really encouraging using bikes, and had many bike lanes to help encourage this. 

Interesting questions: who defines what "abuse" is? Who defines what our "rights" are? Who defines what "consent" is? "Married" is?


So many to deeply ponder.

Overall, I feel really more thoughtful and aware of what abuse in government and religion is.  What is used to control us and how certain things are pushed upon us as good things.  Are they really good?  Is their idea of doing it, the best idea?  Have we ever questioned these things?  I know that for me, a huge growing point for me, was greatly questioning my religion.  Things that are usually never questioned.  I think there is a lot of fear in questioning.  I think that when people start to question they are usually admonished and shamed.  I know when I started to question the belief of hell within the religion that I was raised in, that I felt I needed to be quiet about it.  That I felt I wouldn't be understood.  In fact, my husband said something to a family friend who was super religious and often more controlling than caring and he immediately said, "Oh, that is a very dangerous thing to do.  I wouldn't do that if I were her."  And at first I felt shame, but then later, I was like, why not?  And why is that dangerous?  And why did he immediately try and shut me down, rather than try to understand why I was doing it? 

My friend who is a pastor did that to me when I had heard that there is a word in the new testament of the bible that may not mean homosexuality, though it is translated as that in the English version and it is preached as a way to prove that homosexuality is indeed a sin.  When I questioned about my friend about the word and that I was going to study it more and try and find the true meaning, she said, "I would be really careful about doing that.  You could get led astray."  And I was like, what?  Why? 

So much discouragement for just questioning and seeking a more defined truth.  What I found led me to tears.  The bible is not so black and white about homosexuality as many Christians believe and it is definitely not a sin.  Yet, no  matter the evidence I give or how I try and get them to question that perhaps this belief is wrong and they are hurting many people and judging them harshly, they will still say that they are "stupid for choosing that lifestyle," and that "a sin, is a sin, is a sin." It makes me feel sad. 

Overall, I found the page on abusive governments very helpful, informative, though provoking, and questioning.  Perhaps it could lead to more understanding and caring and less control and abuse.