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People are not dangerous when their needs are filled. S. Hein

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Sept 2 - update 2:pm I am starting to like Mystery Person. haha

I am glad P has a person like that for a friend.

2:10 - wondering if MP reads school survival, has an account - i want to show mp something there.

well i will put the link here.

http://forums.school-survival.net/showthread.php?tid=35719& - this may make it hard for mp to keep their identity a secret tho - so i will let them work that out however they want. but i'd like to know if mp reads it

 
Sept 2 - Last night was feeling a little suicidal. had a lot of dreams - mostly related to friends. in the last dream when i woke up this moring i was crying in the dream. sitting next to someone - a female who was just in the dream, no clear connection to real life - i was sitting next to her on a couch and started crying.

i miss priscilla a lot. later i was thinking of ways to motivate her to talk to me or see me. my mind hasn't accepted what happened, how it all went down or happened. it is not leaving me. it helped to hear from the mystery person - mp. but mp did not write again since i took down my old writing about priscilla and angela and put up the sept 1 writing. i still feel highly motivated to see p again. or at least reach some agreement with her. i feel bitter and hostile towards angela suddenly again when i think of thomas gordon and how much p liked him and how he said when one agreement isnt working u need a new agreement. angela didnt read thomas gordon. i feel very hostile towards her right now. but i try to calm myself and say she doesnt matter. what matters is p. i am very worried about p. i feel very uninformed. my mind is not at rest. angela could help things. so far she isn't helping in this conflict of needs between p and i. it seems no one is thinking of my needs much at all. but i do have them. and i will keep expressing my pain. truth is important to me. p and i used to agree that suicides should be investigated. but what about my near suicide last year? is it ok if i investigate that and write about it? or do p and angela want me to keep quiet and cover it all up? what about all the things i know about p's dysfunctional famly? what do i do with that info? i have been protecting p and her dysfunctional family for a very long time. she is afraid of the truth because she is dependent on her parents for money, as far as i can tell. so should i continue to proect her when she was willing to let me kill myself? i believe i have already treated her better than she has treated me so i am pretty satisfied with what i have done and been willing to do. i still see angela as the number one problem here. i amm willing to work with angela, even in her constantly changing states i guess if that is the best i can do. im not ok with p killing me slowly with neglect, rejection and with angela killing p slowly. i am trying to motivate p not hurt her. i am trying to help her and fill my own needs. so far, nothing from p. not a hug in over 8 months. i dont feel deserving of that. im not ok with it. what happned to p's empathy for me? i dont agree i am the one to blame. i had a reason for my pain. p has not acknowledged or validated my pain. so will keep reminding her of what happened and what is happening. she and angela don't have to read my site. that is their choice. im through with writing to p directly now. what i have to say i will say here. or to one of her friends - *feels resentful.... i dont like going thru a friend who doesnt care as much about p as i do and who doesnt care much about me at all. i assume this friend would kill me to save p's life. would she also kill angela to save p's life? does he/she believe angela is good, healthy for p? unanswered questions....

stay tuned folks. this show is not over yet. there is a lot we can learn. i still have a lot to say and a lot of work to do to say it in a way i feel totally satisfied with. i acknowledge my own progress and pain, even if no one else does. i value my own life, even if no one in p's group of friends does. I value p's life even if her own family doesn't.

was listening to marshall rosenberg - he talks about a community or world where everyone's needs are getting met. that is not happening right now between me p and ....

i consider p to be very smart. very emotionally intelligent. i think she could come up with some suggestions - but i think she needs time to think. i think she needs rest. i dont thing she is getting that with angela. if anyone has any info to the contrary, please let me know. if u want to try to help p her website is www.whatdepresses.me

Sept 1 - My talk with Amy last night about P and Angela

 

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Are you in relationships where it is dangerous to tell the truth?

I was in this kind of relationship with my last partner, Priscilla. I was afraid to tell her things I thought or knew would hurt her, for example if I were attracted to another woman. She was afraid to tell me things that she knew or thought would hurt me, for example, that she didn't like traveling or camping or living in Australia or Uruguay. She was also afraid to tell me some of the things she was working on. She was afraid I would judge her or disapprove. In the United States I learned how to judge others. I am still trying to "unlearn" that and be more accepting and understanding.

I don't know if Priscilla will ever talk to me again or see me again or not. I feel a very big loss from her absence in my life. She was my best friend, my biggest supporter. She believed in my ideas. She applied them in her own life and our relationship.

I guess that is all I will say for today.

 
Recent mail...

ok - thanks for the reply. experience has taught me that for me to work with someone we need to have similar values, beliefs, and goals.

i'm afraid that doesn't apply in this case so good luck.

i believe there is too much competition in the world already, for example.

s



> I am currently in year 10 at ______ high school and I play lacrosse and
> netball. I work part time at a pizza shop but I need to save up $6000 by
> the end of next year for World Challenge, so I was hoping to earn some
> extra money on top of my job. It would really help me a lot, thanks!
>
>

> > hi amanda
> >
> > thanks for your mail .can u tell me a little about urself?
> >
> > s

.
> > Subject: work
> >
> > > hi, I'm just emailing to enquire about any work/ job opportunities that
> > you
> > > may have to offer?
> > > Thanks, Amanda
> > >
> > >
> >
>