EQI.org

Message from Steve, site owner of EQI. I am not doing well. If you don't know the history here is a bit of background. -under construction

Andhere is regular list of stuff

   
march 3 10 am. Valizas, Uruguay

here is a mail i got from a teen in the uk. i will call her uktp... my reply follows

----- Original Message -----

To: "steve hein" <eqi.org2
Date: Mon, 2 Mar 2015 16:56:46 +0100
Subject:

> Hi Steve how are you today? How are you feeling? What are you up to?

> Im a bit suicidal from exam pressure- everyone expects me to do well. Today I had English Lit it was so hard!!!!!!!!!!!! Im no f*****g good at essay questions.I'm going to fail. Why is it compulsory to do it for gcse ? We don't need it for the future and its boring. Its not like its Science or Maths and you need these for the future to know how the world works and how to live a normal life unless you choose to live with tribes or something and live in a remote area. I hate English Lit so much!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomarrow I have more exams and I have exams each day for 2 weeks. So bloody annoying. I'm trying to get over it but I can't but I have to grow up and cope. Don't know how I'ill cope at Uni but I want to go there to increase my knowledge- I have no money for travels and I'm not setting up a business- no good at these things. Helping people probably won't get me much money to live and I'm a terrible book writer so I can't do that.

--

hug - i cant write more now but i got this. good luck

and i felt very sad to read this.. sad how they system works and is causing u unnecessary pain

s

 
i feel so sad and discouraged when i read uktp's message

too s/d to even explain why. but i think p would understand. not sure how much cara would or lex -or jen. or ili - 4 pple who have been reading my site and wrote me in the past 2 days.

it would be interesting to hear why each of them things i would feel so sad and d from uktp's mail. and to hear what they think the tp means. i am not sure they all know. but p would know.

i miss p so much.

 
last night i wrote a lot around 4 or 5 am. the writing is very messy because i was in a lot of pain and i was in my tent and it was dark so i could not see the keyboard or screen well. probably later i will post a link to that messy writing. but i am afraid to make the link public. maybe i will just send it to a few pple. not sure yet.

i still have not heard back from p. so it is 2 days now.....

it is too painful to keep writing her. begging her to reply. just to let me know she got the mail. yet it is also painful to wait, wonder. wonder how she is feeling, if she is not writing back because she made a decision not to, or if she is in a hospital or angela has killed her or seriously hurt her. p said she felt underestimated by me... that hurts. she minimizes how scared i am. she just says im sorry all the time. she really doesnt seem to value her life or my life or my feelings. it is really scarey for me the effect that angela has had on her. it is so scarey, so painful it is hard to write about it. like the time i said being around angela was like being in a cult. and p laughed. but i was serious. she is outnumbered by one person with many personaities.

angela is so intelligent that she has completely manipulated p it seems.

before yesterday i was afraid to tell many pple that i had fallen for angela myself. and that is what hurt p so much. well it was that but it was finding out, from angela. one part of it that hurt p is that i didnt tell her myself first. But I had thought it thru very carefully and decided it would hurt her too much and that it wasnt the right time to tell her. And I was right. But even I underestimated how much it would hurt her. It is getting too painful to write again. Starting to feel a little suicidal. The ocean is right in front of me.I have often thought of drowning myself. Like the days after Laura Mendoza Sanches from Cajamarca Peru abandoned me. She was a fucking pain in the ass to live with, but it was also painful when I came back to our room and saw that all her things were gone except the small red backpack that she knew I liked. I heard from her only once more since then. When she was somewhere in Bolivia I think. There are so many painful memories connected to her. Jen doesn't know this I don't think but the first time Laura packed her things and left was after she had been with me in the internet cafe and I was chatting with Jen and we said I love you to each other. Laura knew that I said I love you to the teens but that day it was too much for her. She was what you might call insanely jealous. Another time I was admitedly flirting with a girl who worked in a little shop and Laura ... well I don't know how to describe it.. first she said something sarcastic like "Why don't you just keep talking to her and keep ignoring me?" Then later we were nearly physically fighting. She was trying to walk away and I was holding her and she was trying to fight me off.

P would never try to stop me when I started to walk off.

Other girlfriends would. Or they would come after me.

I remember once when Esmeralda in Quito Ecuador started walking away from me and I said Please don't go, But she did. It is still painful and we weren't even romantically involved, though I wanted to be and that is why she walked off. I had said someting about this other guy who she took up to her room the last time I saw her and then basically told me to leave. For a long time it has been extremely painful to be less important to someone than someon else. Number 2 as Steff called it, The night she cut her wrists and told me about it. I contacted her father and the emergeny service in England where I knew she lived. Bedford, England.

Saying Bedford reminds me that P mixed up what city I am from... when she said "your condo in Indianapolis" - but as I wrote elsewhere, my condos are not in Indianapolis. I told P this the last time I wrote her. I sent her three mails that day. Mostly about the femme fatale thing. Maybe it was all too much for her. Idk. I dont know how she is feeling but I worry and I feel rejected - again. And unloved. I can still say I feel love for P. If it isnt love that I feel for P then I really have never felt it for anyone. But I have said it many times.It is so easy to say. Or it used to be. But a long long time ago it wasnt easy for me to say. It was verydifficult. But I had almost no idea what it meant or could or "should" mean back then. When I said I love you to people like Carolyn Snyder or Candy Smith. Or Gretchen. Gretchen Helmig. Or Karen Karen Lynee Hansen Dobsen.Or Olga Tsybe*t. I don't spell the full name because I am still afraid of her father - who threatened me once. He was literally in the Russian army, according to Ocean and I see no reason she would lie. He is scarey. But maybe one day, probably, when I am closer to dying or suicide I will tell more of the truth about my very fucked up, painful life.

 
I realized again last night there is no place where I am safe. Just like for the suicidal teens.

I was in this unsafe hostel last night. A dysfunctional place. Full of lies and rules, and control. I am scared to write about it because I am scared the owner will feel vengeful and act on those feelings. So I won't say too much, but I will say I felt discriminated against and confused. About the 20 pesos to charge my laptop and about the passport copy.....I am tempted to go back and try to get some more facts but I don't need more drama in my life. I need less. Much less.

It is better to write here, with the sound of the ocean and the waves just waiting there for me when I want to get out of this tent and go put my feet in them or play in the sand, digging a hole as I did yesterday. Or drawing P or a heart.... *misses Priscilla again...

I thought of drawing her name in the sand and taking a picture.. but that seemed manipulative. Yet.. how can I let her know how much I think of her, how much I miss her....

I told her, probably more than once that I wouldnt miss her so mch if I had a replacement. I laugh a bit at that now... but I also feel emapthy for her because it probably made her feel worse, more "replaceable." She had such a low self esteem....

Right now I feel pretty safe. I am on the beach. No rules that I am aware of. Except maybe no nudity. haha. But what the hell is wrong with that? Tell me you religious people. Religion has screwed things up so much and faith just keeps ... well I dont know how to finish that but I dont feel very understood by her. She said something like but you are excluding a lot of people if you don't help teens who believe in god. haha. Well, yeah, that is true, but how many have i helped so far? and how many have helped me? how much have u helped me? I am tired of asking, begging pple to help me. pple say they love me and care about me but they don't help more than saying that. it does help but ... but....

is it really worth it to have some online friends who dont actively help me? actively spread my message? actively try to get my books in libraries and schools.

it has been what 4 years now since p and i wrote the letters book and so far not one single person has ever said i am buyng a copy of your book to donate to our local library or school or something. ... not one.

that hurts.

and it hurts to think of how much money pple have spent on beer and alcohol for example, like cara, for example, it actually scares me a bit to ask her to try to estimate how much she has spent on alcholo or on clothes since she found my site. i think p has spent zero on alcohol. she accepted some drinks when we were together, for example, that time she was drinking jack daniels. ha ha in ... where was it? albania i think...

she got pretty talkative!

so we used to joke about that. which for some reason reminds me of the new age lady from sweden or somewhere who p was paying to "help" her who said "so there is still that to do" - in reference to p saying she decided not to go to the university.

pple always asked p, so are you a student?

she got sick of hearing it. and often they would say is this your father? she got sick of that too. a lady from iran called her a baby once. lol. that was when p was "helping" me in my hostel in montenegro. the last time i checked it was called "nice place" now. i dont even want to check again because someone basically stole it from me and never told me they were going to keep it going under a new name without paying me anything for the business.

more painful memories....

if you havent seen it you can find the video called steve's place hostel pretty easily on youtube i think. i wont look now or get the link but it is also on eqivideos channel. that is painful to think of also because once i was asking pple to help p and i but especially p i think and no one did. no one. no ... one.

no 1

got it?

so someday if anyone ever wonders, why did he kill himself, they will be able to read and learn, if they want. i heard a quote that said something like just because the message will never be delivered doesnt mean it isnt worth sending.

 
sr. i am scared of sr now. and she doesnt read my site. she ... well it is too painful to talk about...

time to go out in the sun .touch the water a bit. time now is 10:42 am

 
11 pm - had a pretty nice day. found a cheap place to stay in a little kind of bohemian village called Valiaas. Here is what i wrote to SR in our chat.

and in brazil the hotel had wifi in the lounge, maybe i told u, but not in the room. here in uruguay i can use my usb modem. which is also what i used at home . it is actually pretty reliable. and works when there is no power as long as my laptop batteries last. which is about 3 hours.

sh: anyhow then i rode to another city about 40 k and stayed in a cheap hotel which was kind of like a hostel where i could use the kitchen and cook some rice and lentils, which i cook a lot cuz it is so cheap.

sh: i met a nice couple from switzerland. and we got a discount for all three of us staying at the same time even tho in two different rooms so that was good. it was about 11 dollars for my share. then i rode my bike about 5 miles on a sandy beach with good hard sand so it was pretty easy to where i am now. i camped in a hostel with camping last night but it was crappy. they wanted to charge me extra to plug in my laptop!

sh: when i protested he was a real prick about it and i was ready to ask for my money back and leave, but the owner said it was ok and let me charge it. but she was strange and wanted a copy of my passport even tho they werent asking others for theirs. also they didnt charge someone else who wanted to charge their phone. so i felt discriminated against.

sh: there were a lot of rules and signs and i just felt like in a prison. one of the signs said to clean up the kithchen when u use it, which is normal. but this one said "before you eat" haha. and they had these big wooden boxes for cigaette butss with writing on them that said put ur cigarette butts here!!! - with three exclamation points. it was kind of like a school i guess where they think pple cant figure things out for themselves.

sh: they could have just said "For cigarettes" orsomething without sounding like they were shouting. Or painted a cigarette on the box -which had sand in it btw. and u could only use hot water for the showers for 3 hours at night. -- stuff like that.and they were making loads of money. it is ow season now and sitll there were a lot of ppl. well i guess im going to sleep soon. hugs

sh: oh but tonight i had a really interesting convo with this guy i met on the beach from germany who like me has travelled a lot. we felt the same about a lot of things but he also had some interesting views on some things, like ukraine, he said the EU basically provoked russai by saying telling the ukraine they were welcome in the eu.

sh: he said u also pretty much have to join nato to be in the eu so that is a clear threat to russia as nato keeps getting bigger. i told him about non violent communication and he hadnt heard of it before but said it made sense to talk about needs and psychological or emotional needs. and i also talked to a young argentine couple - very hippy - with a 4 year old about telling their son how they felt like we are afraid so and so could break or we are afraid u could get hurt if u do so and so and they seemed to like that concept. so tha was nice.
-

so now i am in bed and ready to go to sleep. it was nice to talk to pple today. and nice to spend time on the beach. i can hear the waves as i type. this is a lot better than last night, tho i miss talking to pple in the hostel.

want to write more about important stuff like p but am too sleepy. will just check mail and say i feel suicidal and homicidal about zero. feel more optimistic i will hear from p and we might even get back together again. the german guy said he had broken up with his gf but they are back together again. and i liked how that sounded a lot. cuz i really miss p. it definitely helps e feel better about everything when i talk to people, or lets say have a good talk. nothing else changed as far as p and i go - ie i didnt hear from her - but still i feel better about it. so this is more evidence to me of the importance of filling emotoinal needs. and more proof they can be met by others besides your signficant other at least to a pretty high degree. so if u have a good support group u wont need so much from ur partner ie u wont be so needy and take things so personally - for example it wont hurt so much if someone tells me they would like to help me but they have to study. sometimes that is really painful but tonight it wouldnt be painful to hear it. simply because some of my emotional needs were met- like to feel safe and free (which i didnt feel last night) and to have stimulating convos.

so lets see what mail i have... got a mail from lex.will put it below for now.

i smiled as i read it, felt encouraged. i like lex's brain. let me know lex if udon want any part of this on here. id like to comment more but too sleepy and still more mail to check. i have several accouns...

well p still hasn't replied.

 
Hi Steve,

How are you feeling today? Is there anything you'd like to talk about?

Today in my sociology class I had to do a mini assignment on what the 3 agents of socialization. I had to write about a statement in the book and if I agreed with it or not. I wrote about how I agreed that family is the biggest impact on how a person view the world, however the term "family" is relative and the term "caretaker" is more fitting (as it all depends on how someone defines the term family). I then wrote about how this caretaker is directly responsible for fulfilling a child's needs; both emotional and physical. I then went on to explain how these needs directly impact an individual's personality and behavior as time goes on. I thought I should let you know that I was applying what I've learned from your site in school. I'm getting the word out about emotional intelligence, and spreading it to others who may not have found your site. I hope that this will plant a seed per se in their minds. I also hope that this cheers you up even if its only a little bit.

I recently read your new journal. I haven't read all of it yet, but I will finish soon. I read that you were curious to know what I think your sad and depressed (I'm assuming the "d" meant that, unless it was a typo) about regarding uktp's email. You probably feel like that because uktp mentioned that she was not financially independent and that her school is having a terrible impact on her emotional health. You are constantly talking about how teens need more freedom and all these things other wise they are hurt, and here comes uktp (among other teens who have messaged you) validating your beliefs.

I think I should probably mention how I felt when reading the email. When I first read it, I felt invalidating, a 2; Judgmental, like a 3; little to no empathy, and if I did feel empathy, it was around a 1. This scares me because usually I'm more understanding when it comes to things about why people hate school. I did some thinking and "soul searching" about why I felt those things. I think I know why I felt those (and still kind of do). I was feeling defensive (like around a 5).When uktp said:

We don't need it for the future and its boring Its not like its Science or Maths and you need these for the future to know how the world works and how to live a normal life unless you choose to live with tribes or something and live in a remote area. I hate English Lit so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

English is my passion. It is, and I hate to put it this way, my child. I perceived her words as attacking my baby, and by extension myself. I felt attacked, around a 7. I actually felt like she hated me. I know that she probably doesn't since the chances are she's never met before and vice versa.
However, once I realized why I was feeling invalidating, judgmental, and no empathy towards uktp, I was able to over come those. I actually feel much more understanding about uktp's feelings, around a 5. I'm still a bit shaken up over her "attacking my baby" though I know that's not what she was doing at all. Not everyone can love language as much as I do. Sometimes it still shocks me. 
I'm not sure what you mean by "tp". Are you referring to the "tp" in "uktp"? I'm assuming so. Well, I suppose uk part probably is for the UK. and the "tp" part... maybe "teen prisoner?" so maybe "uktp" stands UK Teen Prisoner? I suppse then I should go back and capitalize all that UKTP stuff for grammatical purposes, but my wrist hurts, and I'm lazy.
Lex

 
here is another mail i got...

I think I'm bad at talking to people.. specifically you.. 
What would help you feel and be more understood by me? I read the new stuff you put on the site *hugs if wanted* 
You help so many people and they don't help you back... And they could. You're doing something more important than what I'm doing, I know it. I don't have experience with anything, you do, you're older than me and have traveled all over the world. I do care about you. I can't give you any money or buy anything from you. I would if I could. I really want to help but I know I'm doing nothing to help you, and it hurts you to know that people don't help you and yet you give so much. 

I don't know how much I want to get out. Earlier it was like a 9 or 10. 
What can I do to help you? Can I even help you with anything? 
People who make music sometimes get almost no music and no attention, and no one helps them with anything but themselves. They make music, which is less important than what you're doing, which is saving lives. 
But you have people who look to you for hope and inspiration and like what you write, and would want to help you, don't know how, maybe don't want to, or can't. 
And this is what I'm saying to the person who gave me a book for free, their website I've been reading for 6 months, and I can't do anything to help you, or at least I'm being no help now.. 

--

my response... is kind of *sigh... and i waish i had more time, energy. and ...help. if i had help id tell the person what to type as a reply. but im just physically tired now,and emotionallhy drained pretty much. i miss marie. she was very helpful for those days she helped me... she was such a big loss... because i was so needy.... i miss her a lot...losing her was another traumatic experience for me and my brain connections...

as one part of my reply to this teen prisoner who just wrote me, honestly im really tired of asking pple to help. in ur case i know ud help me if u werent afraid of being literally hit/beaten for not
"studying" ie memorizing, regurgitating, allowing urself to be domesticated. submitting. i feel sad u live in fear. so i guess it would help me feel encouraged if u took some serious steps to get out of the abusive situation u are in and u were more definite about calling it abuse. when u go back and forth it is discouraging for me. i feel weak. too weak to help much. but i know id feel so much better if u said one day soon "i am living with ____ now. i finally decided enough was enough and I _____. My mother threatend to hit me and I_____and my father threatened to ___ but i ....."

I don't know how the blanks would be filled in, but something like that would really be encouaging. And it would be encouraging if you said you have changed your mind about religion and spirituality Or if you told me you said to your parents/wardens, I know you will hit me but you cant intimdated me anymor. I wont protect u anymor. I have already made a new report. and I will keep reporting things. You will have to kill me to silence me. I won't llive like this anymore. And if you put iti in writing and sent me a copy. And one to B and A and C. And one to all your relatives and all your teachers. I'd feel better if you brught their abuse and threats and intimidation to light.

here is just a bit of one email this tp sent me..

i will post it before asking her if it is ok because i feel pretty sure her wardens/abusers wont read this...

and mom "beat" me, hit me with her hand a bunch of times, even pulled her arm back, I started crying. then upstairs when I smirked again she pulled my hair and threatened to cut all of it off. 

now i would like my readers to write me and tell me if they think this is abuse. and how they feel when they read it. this, btw is a small fraction of what this tp has told me.

Here is my contact

 
maarch 4 3am

in a lot of pain again, woke up thinking about priscilla. started feeling homicidal. not towards her - but in general

typing seems fake. like it isnt me. cant express my pain adequately with just typing.

not getting enough emotional support

had no new maill in any of my accounts

wondering if p is planning to never write me again or what happened

afraid i will go crazy or crazier if i dont know what is happening. even if she is alive. once i asked her if she were alive. she wrote back and said im ok. and i felt disobeyed/out of control/hostile aggressive because she didn't say im alive. she used to say how ok she was from 0-10 and i used to ask how ok are u. but this time i didnt ask how ok are u

now my bat is low

feel stress

forced to get up

plug it in

ok plugged it in. cant see screen well. contacts dry/blurry

it helps when pple say they care. but the effect wearss out quickly. doesn't last long when i feel new pain. it is like always trying to catch up but never being able to.

now the resentment grows towards p for not replying. tomorrow it will be three days. well it is actually tomorow now. in a few hours it will be three days. i wonder. wonder. wonder. just keep wondering.

maybe it was a bad idea to write again.

but if i don't write i am in pain. my mind starts to invent things. it digs the black hole deeper and deeper. it makes sense one would climb in once it got deep enough.

i would turn off the swtich right now. why not? taking to the german guy was nice but it was mostly a distraction. a pleasant distraction. not much painful aboutit. but when i wake up i am still alone. still missing p. once iliana said she would come here. but once she said something like she wished she had never found my site. so i dont feel safe with her. so far i feel safe with lex but lex is a teen prisoner. and far far far away. and i dont know if lex was born as a male or female.

raining out. feel trapped. cant go to beach. well i could but dont want to get wet.

in too much pain to organize any of my writing. keep wiring things and moving them. so everything is disjointed.

i want to explan why i feel so suicidal so often, why i am in so much pani but its too painful to organize it. i need to write too despetately. need to be heard. would p ever admit that she did anythig wrong?

if i killed myself would she ever say "i feel partially or majorly responsible"

how would she feel?

would she say it just happened. like he said when something fell down on the other side of the room. we used to joke about it. but is my life a joke?

tonight i was thinking again how it hurts that she says things like im sorry it dint work out. im sorry things got mesed up. like it fell down by itself. there was no cause and effect.

as far as i can recall she has never said "i am sorry i did so and so" or I am sorry i didnt do so and so.

i dont know how i will make it till it stops raining. rain reminds me of marie. one day we walked all around montevideo in the rain. well i ran, she walked i said why dont u run, i tried to say it ina curious, not judgmental way. and she said because i like the rain.

i wrote her these long letters. like i write to p. and she ignored them. never replied to any of them.

here is a letter she wrote to one of the teen prisoners.

Hi! I'm marie, Steve tell me he talked you about me, I met him a time ago and I feel pretty interested with what he does,his ideas and thoughts, I think you know is a fantastic person...   He talk me about you, and I feel so much impotence to see that in this world they're so many persons who can't be understanding, because people is so asleep...But I want to say to you that I understand,I'm sad not to know you personally,but if you need I want you to know I'm there... I'm sorry if my english is bad!...  I hope that someday human's mind can be awakened! I send to you a lot of affection, take care of you, Marie.

and then i think she never wrote her again.

here is the last mail she wrote to me.

iīm sorry to not answered before or send to you any message when i come back from montevideo i felt so strange, not very well and in that moment i really donīt knew why. I have thinked a lot about everything, and I see that a lot of thoughts were not mine... I donīt know how to explain, but I was not feeling myself. And I felt so painful. And I felt that I had to get away from people I love, and I will do it to continue with my life, and my lifetrip, but now I feel good with them.Iīm in a point where I have to think about what I really want and how I want it, and honestly I felt a little down, so much pressure...
I feel that I was not taking care about what I really need or what I really want. You was truth, itīs so easy to take me away from me.... I learned a lot of things with you, and I oppened my eyes so much... Thanks for a lot of things. And I would like to help you, but Iīm feeling that I canīt now because my mind was getting sick... I hope you can understand. And with the idea about the teen revolution, I was very enthusiastic about! but then I think a lot about,  and I think that we are all humans, and with this idea itīs a form to mark the difference from teens and adults, and itīs the same things we are criticize them... I donīt know,there are so many things on my mind. And I need to live and learn about life, and then I will do my own revolution, and if it will could be contagious to other people, well, good! And It will take time, I know it. And if we want to people open their eyes, everyone should do it for himself, because in the other way itīs a way of violence... And I think that finally, is not the solution... I donīt know, I think you can do it, but everyone and by our own way. You can teach a lot of things, but not force people to learn it, or not?... Well, I think itīs the same...   Well, I have to gone. Bisous, and tell me hoy do you feel     

===

she asked how i feel but never replied when i wrote her back and expessed my intense pain. she had promised to help me the following week. promisted to make a video of a workshop i was doing. like p tried to do in portugal but it didnt come out well. so i still dont have any videos of me giving any talks, anywhere in the world. the mormon university, in utah, made a video and sent it to me as the old fashioned video cassette. and i sent it to sarah.... she probably has thrown it away by now.

i wonder if p will throw away things of mine one day. and i wonder how many of my text messages are left in her phone, i wrote onxe about how it was almost full.... that was before she met angela. it seems like a small thing but it is so representtaive. she litterally didnt have space in her life or in her phone for both angela and i.

i dont get much of anyone's time. not as much as i need.

even p who lived with me didnt give me much of her time. she quit as my assistant while we were still living in motenegro. over me juding her about not sending a text message. i gave her my phone and said can u send a message to so and so, but she didnt know how to use it. she was too scared to ask me how or admit she couldnt figure it out. she felt too stupid for not being able to. so she just got frustrated. then when i asked if sh had sent it or something and he said no because she didn't know how to use my phone, i made some judgmental comment or face. and then she said soon after, i dont want to be your assistant anymore. which reminds me of how she said i dont want to go to anymore countries with u. when we were packing to go to the airport in nz.

 
march 4 10 am. Went back to sleep after writing above. Checked mail. P still hasn't written back. Just felt fear from the thought that one day I will get a message fom someone who knows P and they will say P said to tell you she has decided never to write to you again.

That could be the last straw. Almost anything could be the last straw when you have been in pain for so long and get such little support. I was asking myself what if I never got any more support from emails? Now I wonder would it be better to just not even have an email account? To stop "hoping" to get supportive mail? Most people who have written to me over the years have already written me. But it won't be enough. I need more than emails. Or at least it seems that way. I can anticipate some feeling of satisfaction of killing myself after I have written enough about the P Steve Femme Fatale story.

Noiw I wonder, was it that which caused P not to reply? ie me calling her lll a femme fatale. I feel more pain now so I feel more judgmental. It is a viscious cycle. P doesnt write me because she feels judged. I feel more pain when she doesn't reply and I feel more judgmental when I feel more pain. It is easy enough to see but a lot harder to "break the cycle." I think "P could break the cycle." I think "she is in less pain than me from our relationship." I think "She is the one who broke up with me, who did so many things to cause me pain." I think of people who say things like don't give someone else power over your life. But that doesn't fit how I am feeling. And I don't really want to change how I am feeling with some mental trick.

P and I didn't like mental tricks. I liked them a bit more than she did. I was a fan of CBT actually for a while. I think of Karli Schuster for example ,and the time I showed her the David Burns book. She didn't like his smiling face on the cover. I couldn't relate to that. I tried to convince her it didn't matter. But now I see that I was invalidating her. That was before I had written about invalidation. Karli was super smart. She also, I am pretty sure, had serious repressed memories. She kept saying there was nothing wrong with her family. Yet she told me she would look in the mirror and say "I hate you." I think she is the first person who I ever heard something like that from. She also had one very big indication of having been abused, most probably sexually abused but I won't say now what that was. I am a little afraid already that she will find this or someone else will and I feel a bit guilty. But there seems to be a huge "truth gene" in me or something I want to tell the truth, and I want to know it.

Which leads my thoughts quickly back to P.

 
11 AM - talked to Dietmar from Germany some more. Let Argentine couple come in to heat some water. But feel a bit suicidal when I think of how they are rasing their kid, and how so many people mess up their kids. P would understand that too.

I will stay here another day or two. It is better than La Paz. I miss P as I say that. I think she pretty much hated living there. She only stayed there because of me. P never had a chance to live her life. She went from her parents' house to my hostel. Then followed me around the world. We went to 30 countries together.. I think again of the morning in Auckland when she said "I don't..." I probably will write up that story so I can just link to it. I almost need a whole new website just to write about P and I. And the FF. I like that expression. I need to write about that too and make a link to it.

It helps to have a bit of a break from all the deep pain thinking. But then I want to come back to it and keep writing. I remember reading the detailed story of somone from Europe who went thru primal therapy. She wrote about her crappy "therapists".

I am feeling a little optimstic again. I think it is because Dietmar listened to me for a while. I went out to see him to see if he got my text message. I sent it to him last night but he didn't reply I wondered why he didn't reply, if he got it. Or maybe he didn't get it. I don't like this kind of uncertainty. Like with Priscilla. Did she get my mail, didn't she get my mail? If she got it why hasn't she replied,

- didn't she read it

- did she delete it without opening it - as I do mail from Steve Brewer. He wrote to her once and said "Your sensitivity offends me." lol What? wtf is that? how can someone's sensitivity offend someone else? I wish I could talk to P about it. I may never talk to P again. She might have been killed by Angela. I might have contributed. Maybe Angela did read something I wrote and they got into a fight. And Angela killed her. I feel too obsessed with knowing what happened, what is happening. So much has happened since I saw P in Madrid. And she has told me almost nothing She didn't tell me they were going to the USA. I only found out because her Couchsurfing profile said the last login was from the USA. Now it doesn't show your last login so I won't even know which country she is in, or if she is alive.

It is hard to understand why P would't want me to know if she is alive. Does she think it will be better for me if she stops replying? That isn't really like her, from what I knew of her. I can't recall her ever saying something like that. P had an intersting way of looking at things. Lots of times I didn't understand her at first, but if I listened long enough, without making her feel unsafe to explain things, she could usually explain things in a way that made sense to me. Sometimes she couldn't explain something and she would feel frustrated.

I just had this feeling of love for P and thought "I love P and writing our story, her story, is an act of love." In the end I will love P I think. There are moments when I hate her.. but I feel sad to write that.. almost to the point of tears.

I just lost what I was writing but it was something about love and loss. I made the font bigger so I can read the screen better.

Love and loss. A possible name for a book. That is what I feel when I think of P. Love and loss.

I have also been thinking of the title Life death love need and hate.

When I feel hatred towards P it is nature's way of wanting me to stop the pain by eliminating the source of it. Like when I kill a fly or mosquito. I think, that is one that will never bite or bother me again. But P isn't a fly or mosquito. Nature isn't perfect.