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If you love someone you want them to be free - S. Hein
I have been thinking this for a while, but I guess I never put it on my site before...as this screen shot shows:
Here is what inspired me to create this page today. I wrote this to the new Priscilla in my life! She is an inspiration to me. She smiles all the time! I keep wondering what if ever child had a mother who smiled so much? I know she uses her smile and her laughter as a defense mechanism, as Freud would say, but it works... it works for her and it works for me when she does it. It is pretty much impossible not to smile back when she smiles at me!
They say "emotions are contagious", so I guess this is an example of that! Anyhow, here is what I wrote to her this morning:
Freedom has never really been an option to her before now, and it will be harder because she now has two children - twin boys - and a husband. But I will help her if she wants my help. She has already helped me so much. I don't feel powerless when I am with her. I don't feel alone. I don't feel rejected. I don't feel abandoned. I don't feel judged. I feel valued.
So is it any wonder that I don't feel depressed around her, or even for hours after seeing her or talking to her? This is more evidence that depression is not a "disorder" or a "mental illness". It is a lack of emotional support. I am completely convinced of it now.
I have decided, btw, not to even say "I feel depressed" anymore. I will say instead, "I feel alone, rejected, abandoned, discouraged, unwelcome, unvalued, forgotten, uncared about" unforgiven, etc etc. ---
I was thinking of the word hated. Do I feel hated by anyone? Not really.The "old" Priscilla, who I traveled and lived with for about 4 years, said recently that she hates me 10 out of 10. (oops) But I don't feel hated. I felt hated by Endelyn in Brazil last month, haha, when she was ignoring me and giving me the "silent treatment" but I never felt hated by Priscilla. I know she is in a lot of pain. I don't understand it all, but I know that when she says "hate" it is another way of saying a lot of pain from a lot of things.
And, just for the record, I don't feel hated by Endelyn anymore. She has sent me some hugs. I asked her a while back how much she forgave me and she said 5. haha
Hug to her in case she ever reads this!
Oh and I have a new friend now in Indonesia. Her name is Satan haha Well that is the nick name I gave her! haha She was feeling hurt last week from some things I said but I don't know if she felt hatred. I didn't feel hated anyhow! Now we are talking, lauging and working together again. I met her on Upwork, btw
So love and hate. Need and hate. Depression and ... motivation, inspiration.
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