Anna - UK

These are parts of Anna's online diary and a couple of emails she sent me.

my life 5/17/2003

hey

i am so pissed off and confused!!!! i don't know what to do! i have so many problems and i dunno how to deal with them!!!! ok i'll introduce them to u one at a time! sorry

well firstly i have a screwed up familly!

my brother, well he acts like he thinks he has power over me which he doesn't!!!

my mum well she’s just a complete and utter b****!!! she hates me!!! and wishes i was more like my bro etc, the so called goody goody that he is! also she emotionally abuses me.

my dad - well most of the time he;s okayish except for the fact that he sexually abuses me and i hate him for that soooo much and i wish he would just leave me alone

because of all, this i cut myself :0 ( and because i hate myself and in a way its the only way of expressing myself in the hell like place i call home|! although my room is my sanctuary from the demons - my familly! and well all this is probably my fault especially with my dad and i kind feel that i have to punish myself.

also i have an eating disorder i have annerexia. well kinda used to but i was told by someone that’s what i had but whatever but its kinda coming back.

well i started to talk to this teacher before christmas and its really nice cause she listens or at least acts like she listening! but its hard asking to talk to her and my friends always think she should be asking to talk to me, and u know i would like someone to actually notice something is wrong and to reassure me that actually i’m not invisible. but i guess that’s not going to happen.

but i was supposed to be talking to the teacher last week but then she was ill all week. which yeah she was ill but bad timing cause now i have to ask to talk to her again and some of the stuff i wanted to say then will be irrelevant now. its kinda awkward when i see her in the corridor.

i’m afraid the deputy head knows i cut!!!!! at one point i had to talk to her and it was soooo horrible and scary but today she was staring at me and i have a huge feeling she could see my cuts ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

*bye*

Fucked up week 5/17/2003

I can't take this anymore! I can’t stop crying. I feel so depressed like threre’s a whole in me and all the bright cheerful colours along with the happiness have drained out and i’ve been coloured black. When I get home I just sit In my room and cry. I mean i’m crying now as I write this. I feel so scared and panicky. I’m scared when i’mat home. I keep getting these flashes off nervousness up my body and i’m just so afraid that one day i’m gonna turn round and there be something there that I just can't face and I’ll just fall. I no that sounds stupid but that’s just how it is. I hate myself soooooo much I can't help feeling like that. there’s nothing much to like and I do say stuff along those lines a lot to my friends especially H. and C. who are the best and I don’t deserve them and I know it pisses them off. it would piss me off and im sorry to them but I cant help it. I know everyone would think I can but its a feeling. i try really hard at school to try and seem normal and happy but that just causes so much more pain inside.

In the middle of lessons I have to get out I can’t stand it and sometimes i begin to feel really hot and weak and faint. So I go to the loo, slip down the door and kneel there and cry and cut myself.

I can’t stand my family. my mum in particular. She just keeps pushing me further down and down now she can say one comment and i'll cry. She just shouts at me continuously makes me feel so small, sad and insignificant like it doesn’t matter what she says, but it does. I sit in the dark lying on my floor cause I can’t get up cause i’ve collapsed or blacked out crying and looking at the moon searching for the tiniest glimmer of hope, or that someone besides H and C and sometimes S actually care (I mean they have there own probs to and I doubt they want mine as well!)

I wish someone would notice when I walk in a room in my house and maybe say hello and give me a hug and tell me everything going to be okay and just love me for me and not complain or moan or sigh when i come in th room. i wish they’d love me. or I walk down to the park and M recognizes me and realises that I am there and i’m not invisible like most people think i am. .and my mum makes me ring when I stay at peoples house. I dont want to talk to her I want to have fun with my friends and forget about her! On the phone she had a shout at me and made a fool out of me in front of my friend. she then went and got my father who I hate and he was trying to act normal. they both were acting normal, but it was so fake and that just made me cry and my friend didn’t even notice. she was too busy talking to people who don't like her on msn.

I probably sound like a right self centered bitch and I probably am, so sorry for all of u who r bored of me going on, but I just have to get this out cause right now I feel like i’m trapped in a tight iron cage and I cant breath. what is the point? I really cant c one? what is the point in me carrying on living this life. to get abused again by my parents, to walk past the teacher that I am so desperate to talk to, to disappoint my friends and everyone and to let them all down, to go on holiday and let my family find out I cut myself? great!!!! is there any point in that?

I seem to already have started to drive my best friends away cause I ask to many times if their okay and fuss too much .i just worry bout my friends as they r my life. my head is constantly spinning with thoughts which are probably not good and I seem a lot recently to b feeling faint. I CANT FUCKING COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! these r less than half of my feelings I just cant put the rest into words I feel like i’m dyeing inside

fat 5/18/2003

its funny. one minute my mum is complaining and telling me that i am fat and need to lose some wait and that i cant wear certain clothes cause i’m too fat and now its ur not eating enough ur hardly eating!!!!

just had a great time!! Not. Sat at the table listening to my parents usual praising of my brother and ignoring me.

now i have gotten roped into going to this concert i dont want to go to on friday!! my mum said keep your dad company which in a way is what i’m afraid of. i really don't wanna go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my mum and brother are gonna leave before me and dad cause there in it. so im gonna be left home alone with him!!!! and i’m actually kinda scared. yeah right like id really want to keep my dad company!!!

several 5/18/2003

i cant stand my family i feel so tense!!!!!. i am really worried bout the summer!!!!!!!!!! That’s like 8 weks at home!!!!! i don’t think i'l last that long.

i think we are going away to Spain for 10 days but i don’t know if my brothers going. if he’s not then that makes it easier for my dad!!! and that still leaves me 6 and a half weeks at home!!!!!!!!!

i want to have a sleepover for my birthday but it didn’t go so well last year and my mum put on this really annoying act and everyone was like oh ur mums soo nice and only i knew the truth. But if i had one she would totally interfere.

why is it that if i’m mean to my mum i feel really bad and when she’s mean to me she doesn’t care? That’s sooo annoying!

i just remembered when i started my period last year. it took me a really long time to tell her! i thought she’d be really angry. and the only reason i did ell her was cause i needed her to buy me stuff!

i haven’t had my tb injection yet i’m scared and dunno what to do cause i have cuts where they put the shot!!!! i don’t want anyone to see my scars!!!! Help!!!!

please daddy don't 5/20/2003

basically he’s a bast*rd

last night i was getting ready for bed in my room and he knocks on the door and began to open it so i started shouting don't come in! Don't come in! But he still carried on so I ended up like screaming it.

then when he stopped. i put on some clothes and opened the door and i had some music on and id just turned it off so u could barely hear it and he;s like turn the music off i want u in bed, turn the music off i want u in bed turn the music off i want u in bed and i was like ok fine. then he reached out to give me a hug and started rubbing my back, top of my arse and sides and hips and kinda sides of my boobs and then i was trying to pull away but he still had his hands all over me. then he was like goodnight but i just slammed the door in his face. I turned off my light slid down my wall and crouched with my knees up and cried. i hate him sooo much!!!! he won't do something for a while so i'll begin to trust him again then he'll do something again. its like damn i don't have a dad, if u no what i mean. and another reason y i dont want the summer holiday is because of him. in the easter there was one point where he was doing stuff practically every other day

and i cant cope i really cant cause it may sound like nothing to you but try and imagine ur my age, 13, and uve known ur dad that long and uve been kinda close and got on well. then one day he decides to put his hands up your nightie and feel up your boobs and arse and back etc its not nice and you don't really expect it and you feel so bad and that its your fault. i feel a lot of the time that it is my fault cause y else would he do it.

but there’s not much i can do

she did it again 5/28/2003

she’s(my mum) has only said it about once or twice before but its one of the worset things you can say

Y CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE UR BROTHER

i hate that phrase. it makes u feel so unwanted because firstly there’s no way i can be like my brother and there’s no way i want to b like my brother!!!!

so annoying

i asked my mum to go shopping yesterday because well firstly i really needed some more clothes and secondly because my dad is away (yay!) We've got on slightly better (very slightly) so i thought okay may b if we go shopping we'll have a nice time and she'll like me more. she kinda said okay slightly reluctantly. we got there and couldn’t find anywhere to park for about half an hour and by that time she'd blamed it all on me and said all this shi* and managed to reduce me to tears.

today she had a go at me about my school work. Shes not motivating at all. she keeps telling me that im never going to pass my exams and i will poor the rest of my life. yeh great. thanks for the support

ahhh exams. i really do need to study but my head is not in it. i have loads of other stuff on my mind

also i really wanna stop cutting but i dunno how. in a way it does help cause the pain of cuttin blocks out the pain of everything else

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

he he he 5/31/2003

hello

i feel quite jolly today kinda like id imagine santa to feel.

well okay yesterday m. gave me his email address.i wasnt really talking to him but he was like trying to make conversation and was being kinda sweet so i guess we're okay but u no i don't particularly trust him still. im not sure.

okay well this week has been better than i thought it mite be. last saturday i had such a really nice time in town with h. i really had a great time and i wished it hadnt ended. my dad has been away which has been really kool. and my mums been off work so she’s been eve so slightly nicer but then she called me a piglet – a fat one. but my brother has taken over my dad this week. he has been really touchy feely and has kinda been feeling me up which is really great cause i was hoping he wouldn’t b like that

then yesterday my dad came back he got me this pretty flower thing it was sweet. and i felt sooo guilty for hateing him. then like it was half 12 at night and me and my dad went outside and stood around. then we went in and my mums like time for bed it was 1.10 but then my dad felt me up and dragged his nail up my back and the thing is he did it basically right in front of my mum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really wanted her to notice but she was too busy telling my bro how great he is on the piano. so that pissed me off. then i went o bed almost cut myself but managed not to. i really do wanna sop now cause i get the feeling that if i don't stop now then i never will. plus the longer u do it for the harder it is to stop and also i have to have stopped and hopefully healed by 20th august cause i’m

going away to the beach and my family will be like what’s that?

i really hope i do manage to stop but u know i think that when i go back to school and when my mum goes back to work and my dad and bro and they all go back to being there evil selves that’s when i'll want to do it and it will be really hard to fight that feeling if u know what i mean

oh my god tb-cuts!!!! 6/11/2003

oh my god!!!!! very eventful day. well i got into school feeling kinda nervouse bout talking to miss e. Then a girl called katie came into the classroom and was like oh my god i’m having the tb test today!!!!! and immediately was like holy crap!!!! that means im having mine too. i was so scared i felt like i was gonna cry. then h. offered to go to see miss e. and ask what i should do. So me and C and H went to talk to her but i was too scared so H and C went in for me. they said something like i supposed to have the test but i’ve got loads of cuts. then she wanted to see me and she was really smiley which made me and c. think that she thought it was funny. Plus later she was laughing!!! and she said she would phone up and tell the nurse but she said the nurse will take an interest. and she said i warn u the nurse will take an interest. which i know this may sound weird but it kinda made me feel like a science experiment or like someone with a disease i mean its not like im the only one. There’s hundreds of people who do. Loads of people in my school do it. I know loads myself who do it. So then i went over and there were two girls there from my class who had just had it done and one called katie goes “oh my god they saw C’s scars from cutting. and i was like i have the same problem and they were like lets see.

Then C said the test lady was like “oh what have u been up to?” and my cuts were so obvious!!!!!! i sat down and the nurse said take off ur jumper but i didn't. i rolled up the bit of sleeve on the better arm and she said no i have to do it on the other one and i said u can't and she said y not, then she saw my cuts and sounded really angry and was like why did u do that!!! and i just burst out crying and i just couldn't stop. there was loads of mascara down my face. and they were like don't worry its nothing to get upset about and they where so patronizing and the nurse was standing over me 2 and she had bent down now and the injection lady was like its okay talk to the nurse, but i really don't want to she so horrible!!!!!! and the nurse was like yeah come to me at lunch time and i was like im talking to miss e, thank god. and the nurse said ok come to me sometime this week. and then they did the test thing and were like okay c u next week.

the nurse did say i don't want u to feel pressured to talk to me and i’m like don’t worry im not going to talk to you. C and K had waited for me and i was still crying. i looked so stupid.i went to the toilet and they came to and wiped my eyes then c was like what did they say. then we went back and they where asking me questions like does ur mum know and i said no and c explained how she had stopped and had had her sleeve rolled up and her mum went mental at her. she said she couldn't believe she hadn't noticed. then k said do u do it because of them and i said kinda and she said what are they divorced? and i said no then she was like so y. so i said wellll ummmm cause my dad and brother sexually abuse me and then k said what? cause i don't think she got it but they were both really silent then they where like who knows and i said miss e and mrs r and my friends. after that for the rest of the morning i felt really scared and on the verge of crying. it was horrible.

then at lunch time when i was really looking forward to talking to miss e she never showed up. i was really annoyed. then at the end of the day i went up to her and said i was suppose to talk to u today.....could i talk to u whenever you can. and she said oh im really sorry!!!!! um how about tomorrow morning. I said okay then she goes thanx. i was kinda thinking for what?

well i told u it was an eventfall day and there is no way i’m showing or telling my mum bout this cause she’ll be all nosy and want to c my armst!!!!!

grandad- :( and dad 6/15/2003

yesterday

my grandad is here to stay for the weekend. i love my grandada so much he means the world to me. there was the whole incident when my dad licked up my arm in front of him and he looked at me in a really disgusted way like it was my fault but didn't say anything to my dad but i’ve kind of gotten over that. He said he was going out to get some chinese and i thought may b i'll go with him cause ive hardly spent any time with him but he

just started laughing at me and was like surely u can find something better to do. To me it felt like he didn't want me to go when the only reason i was going to go was to spend time with him!!!!! i felt really hurt. I’m probably being over sensitive but i did feel really sad.

oh yeh today its fathers day i hate fathers day i hate giving him cards i wanted too rip it up in his face and scream at him and he called me his petal!!!!! i wanted to throw up!!!!

my grandads gone home :(

biggest decision 6/16/2003

okay i have made the very difficult decision to tell my mum everything!!!! everyone who knows has suggested, and many have begged me, to tell her. i just talked to miss e. and she thinks i should tell her cause she saw my arms and was like its gonna be increasingly hard to hide it. and she said if she found out for herself she would be really upset. i said that i wasn't sure if she'd believe me but she just said the same as everyone else: show her ur arms. she said to try i and she thought i might be surprised. she thought maybe i should ask her if we could go out to diner or like to have coffee so no one would interrupt and she thought that i can't handle all this by myself anymore which i really cant.

i wanna dissapear now cause its all to much :( i’m so scared of telling her. i don't know how to. i think she'll be really angry. ahhh ive written her a note already miss e. thinks i should tell her TONIGHT!!!!!!. she said that i can talk to her anytime and just come and find her. and she was like cause u know i’m rubbish at remembering. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

she thinks its got to a point where something has to be done. she was like u can see from ur arms that something has to be done and that i’m not happy but how the hell am i suppose to say all this to my mum? she is gonna hate me so much and think i’ve ruined her life

ahhhh holly crap help!!!

ok i wrote a note last night and this is the sort of thing it includes

it said basically that dad has been doing stuff tht makes me really uncomfortable and so has my brother. i told her about dad’s hands up my nightie, about when he wouldn't let go and i said about them both feeling me up and when my bro put his hands up my top i said that all that’s sexual abuse. i said that some of the stuff she says to me really upsets me and makes me feel unworthy and stupid and small. i said because of all this and other stuff and pressure i cut myself and its now got to the point where its quite deep and i have loads of scars. and i put i’m sorry i didn't tell u b4, i thought u’d be angry or throw me out the house and i put that i’ve come to hate myself and my family and i put not to tell my bro and dad bout the note yet and that i’m scared and that i’ve ben talking to miss e and that i dont want her to take me out of skool cause my friends mean the world to me and i love them soooo much and there the ones who have stopped me from doing something really bad and i also put i dont particularly want to talk to her bout it but i would like to talk to like a professional

this is part of a conversation i had on msn with a friend

*~*Misty girl*~* says:

rightho. well u shud chat 2 her a bit about it i think seeing as this duz affect her a lot.

Scared girl says:

yeh i guess, what way do u think it would affect her? but my mum is like one of the hardest people ever to talk to she never listens and she never understands i have to explain stuff at least three times and its so annoying

.. *~*Misty girl*~* says:

thats the same as my mom

.. *~*Misty girl*~* says:

but it will affect her

Scared girls ays:

how? i dont want her to think ive ruined her life

.. *~*Misty girl*~* says:

its her partner/husband and her son abusing her daughter. it will b hard 4 her but she must understand this

Scared girlsays:

yeh i no but i think she will think tht i would have ruined her life cause she nos whart there doing and i think she'll wish i hadnt told her

.. *~*Misty girl*~* says:

well she probably will wish u hadnt told her. she'll wish it hadnt happened. she'll b upset. but its 4 the best. its better that she knows

-----

this is partly also y i’m scared

hardest entry to write so far. 6/18/2003

these past few days have been a complete blur for me and i really can't concentrate. i have such a horrible feeling and i’ve made some mistakes on the way here.

well i gave her the note and when i got home i made a sandwich and went to my room and put on some music. my mum came home so i rushed into the toilet upstairs.she came upstairs and knocked on the door and said hello she talked about nothing for awhile like she hadn’t even seen it. Like she talked about finding t-shirts for this crappy trip i’m going on. Then she asked if i was having a shower i said no but i need to get changed after. i spent ages changing trying to prolong the time b4 i had to talk. then i got out t-shirts and opened my bedroom door. she came in a d gave me a hug and i instantly started crying. and she was like we love u and u musn’t think we don't and she said she loves me and my brother soo much. and she was like i love u and she said that she doesn’t know what’s going on but we'll sort it. she began to say i don’t want to tell ur brother yet cause he has important exams but then he walked in!!!! Without knocking or anything then we carried on with shirts and i was crying so much she just kept saying she loves me and that she doesn’t want me to be like my brother really and that i’m not really fat and the rest is still a blur

this entry is even harder to write than the other 6/18/2003

ok well my mum picked me up from school 20 mins late!!! we had to get stuff for my trip. we did that and it was okay. i was kind of relieved cause yesterday she said she would talk to me more when we go shopping and i really wasn’t in the mood. well i got in the car sat down and she turned to face me and her voice had gone all fuzzy and she said so are you going to tell me what’s been happening? i said with who and she said with ur brotgher and i said well he’s been feeling me up and... but she cut me off and she said what do u mean so i had to show her on me and i was already in tears. so she grabbed my hand and was just holding it and she kept asking questions that i wasn’t sure of how to answer.

i told her about the hands up the nightie and when he wouldnt let go of me but she just said she didn’t think he meant it and that was just the way he is and how he still thinks if me as his little girl (that made me cry sooo much!!!!) and about the nightie thing she defended him and said he mustn’t have know what he was doing. basically she was trying to say what i thought he was doing, he wasn’t.

well she said that but not in those words. Then told me this little story which really upset me. And she said she would talk to them and that it would really hurt them and destroy them when they find out. before that she said all these things like i can understand how u feel, i can't change that, i know how it must of felt but i don't think it was intentional she said i know how u feel about 20 times literally ,but the thing is she doesn’t and even if she had experienced the same thing it would still have felt different to each of us cause we are different people.

i told her about when my dad lickied up my arm and she said she thought he was being playful!!!! and i said i felt like i was gonna be sick. she said all this was making her sick and that she couldn’t do any of her work properly and i said u feel sick? well i’ve felt sick about this since it started and she was like i kno i kno but she doesnt know!!! she doesn’t know anything at all!!!!! she kept asking me if i thought they meant to do it or not and i replied i don’t know really, i’m not in their heads. i can only tell u what i felt. she then started asking about all the things i had said and asked and what mrs r and miss e had said and what h’s mum had said and she was really cocky and sounded jealous about it. She said well i’m glad u found someone u could talk to and kind of in a bitchy way. then she said it made her feel ill again and i told her not to say that cause it made me feel bad.

then she asked about the whole self image thing and whether it started because of my dad and brother or whether i had it b4 i said b4 and it got worse cause of it. Then she said y do u think ur fat? has somene said anyhting? i said no its just what i c in the mirror then she was like ur not fat. u used to be over weight but not anymore. then she was like u teens u get images in ur head then u get annerexia which is when all the people around u can see how thin u are but u still think ur fat! she was like if ur not careful u will get diffichuncise.

We had been in the car three and a half hours!!! my eyes were all stuck together cause of all my crying. she started saying on the way home that i was a lovely kind girl and that i was gorgeous and how soon i will be getting boy friends and when someone else takes and interest in you you feel better about urself and how u feel like someone likes you. then she said but you musn’t harm urself and i tried to explain that i cant stop automatically it doesn’t work like that and that she shouldn't make me promise. i said i dont think u understand and she didn’t. She thought people who do it are disturbed. then she asked me when i feel like cutting to tell her and talk bout it, but that’s the last thing you want to do. i'll continue later

doctor doctor.... 6/25/2003

my mum told me she’d phoned one of my best friends mum’s and they had advised her to get a referral from the doctor. and she said im troubled. I said u think i’m mad and crazy and she said, no we all think ur troubled but that isn’t the same. my dads talking to me again. he stopped for a few days. i dont think my friends like me too much at the moment but oh well. its one of my best friends b-days this weekend and i’m really looking forward to it. its gonna b so fun!!!

my mum told me that the doctor was veryt sympathetic TO MY PARENTS! And that shes gonna refer me to this place after she’s talked to me. She wants to talk to me and my mum gave her the letter. ah im so embarrassed and annoyed cause she didnt ask me if she could show it to someone else. i mean i wrote stuff in there which i didn’t really want anyone else to know and she said the doctor said i’m obviously intelligent in the way i write and letters???

my mum said she wants to cum in with me frst and thjat she has to cause its apparently legal! its not!!!!! and that i can ask he to leave but u no that would seem really rude! god i hate her

social services 6/30/2003

ok so i left school early and went to the doctors. i was so scared and i had no saliva in my mouth.then she asked me if i wanted mum there or not and i said not. and i thought ha!!! cause she had made up this story that its illegal to go in on ur own. but she did have to go in later. then she asked so what’s gone wrong and u no i really couldn’t answer that question cause so much has, so i just sat there for 5 mins not saying anything then she said well do u wanna talk about you and your dad, you and ur brother, or you and yourslef. i said i dont mind so she said okay we'll start with ur dad. she was like so whats been happening and again i couldnt answer. then she was like when did it start? what happene? is it more than what u put in the note or less or just that? and i said more and she said like what? then she asked about the nightie thing and if he felt up my boobs anyother time and i said yeh and she said where and i said in my room and she said what happened so i had to describe that then she asked bout my brother and i said it basically only happened a while ago. then she said with ur brother i think we can say thats abuse because he’s a minor but with ur dad thats definitely sexual abuse and ill have to contact social services. she said they won't take you away but they’ll have to set guidelines in your family and talk to you.

she said she thinks i’d benefit from talking to a psychiatrist and psychologist and this famiuly and child centre near where i live. and she also wants to see me once a week! then she asked bout me and was like are you negative bout yourslef? then my mum came in and just started backing up my dad and all this stuff which really upset me!!!!!!! im so annoyed with my mum. The doctor lady said its gonna get really bad for awhile and then better. and she said i bet you think uve messd up your familly and i was like yeh cause i totally have. they hate me!!!! she said all this stuff bout how ive done the right thing but i seriously doubt it.

dont have a home 7/8/2003

talked to social services-one of the worst days of my life. they video taped and sound taped my conversation (when i say they i mean the police people) then in another room there was a policeman watching the video as it happened on a tv and taking notes. im not allowed to stay at home. on friday i went straight from social services to a friends house. i had a lovely time!!! then later another friend of mine came over and i’ve been staying there since then. well until today. they can't have me anymore cause they have family coming over. There’s not anybody else so i mite have to leave school today and go to my grandads for a while.

social services hell 7/11/2003

on wednesday a social worker came into school to talk to me. she wasnt f. the really nice one who id talked to before. she was so horrible. i really didn’t like her. she accused me of making all this up with my dad so my parents would notice and listen to me. i was so upset cause that is not at all true. y would anyone make something like that up??? then when my mum picked me up she told me that the social worker had phoned and we were meeting her and this other lady for a meeting. we got there and my mum was just majorly slagging me off and standing up for everyone but me. she said she thought id got it wrong and made it up for attention, she said i jump on my brother!!!! and she was saying well she is over sensitive and she sits in the lounge with the tv on in the dark which i think is very unhealthy and strange. etc she was majerly slagging me off. and telling them about the dark thing was totally irrelevant!!! then they gave us a break cause my mum had the ingenious idea of ringing my dad and getting him to come along. she didn’t even ask me. i hate him and i hadn’t seen him for 5 days and i didn’t want to see him. after she had finished talking to my dad on her phone i just started yelling and having a go at her she said she thought i was misconstrued. i asked her what it meant and it was something like misunderstood!!!!! im so annoyed at her! also i had to say i wanted to stay at home cause my mum had been pressuring me to she was like u do want us all to stay together don’t u??? everyone else does, ur brother does, dad does, i do. u do, dont u??? she told me to show them this letter that my dad had written cause they thought it would make them see he’s nice and that he means no harm!!!! and she kept having a go at me to say the right thing. my dad denied everything to the police!!! im hurt he’s just sitting there acting like nothings happened he’s a complete and utter f*cking a*rsehole. hes a f*ucking b*astard!!!! He’s just siting getting away with it. we all signed a special agreement which was like they cant be left alone in the house with me etc

yesterday we finished school :( i love school its my safe place i feel safe at school!!!, all my friends are there and its my get away. also the teacher i talked to finally left!!! :( xinfinity im so sad she left i miss her already i really liked talking to her and she made me feel better ands she was so nice and listened!!! i got her a present.a card as well. i gave her my email address i really hope she emails!!!!! i gave it to her and she said thank u, she looked embarrassed then i asked if i could take a picture. then she asked whats happening and i told her about the agreement and about the evil social worker. then she said well i hope u have a good holiday, well as good as it can be i'll keep in touch with school to find out what happens. then i think she might of said good luck in the future but i said okay thanks, u 2 bye. then she left. :(!!!! then after school f, the nice socal worker picked me up from school. went out for a drink and talked and ate. then we met up with my mum and she was like feel sorry for me i couldnt get through on ur phone line!!! then i saw a friend and she were like are u ok etc shes so nice!!! then me and my mum quickly went into town. we went past miss e.’s car i felt so sad i’ll miss her so much.

last night felt so sad ...... social services and mum 7/11/2003

i really dont like most of the people at social services. they r so horrible and very unhelpful. they think by giving u a biscuit that will make everything better. I really dont like them and there never on ur side. There always on ur parents side. my dad is acting as though nothings happened and like hes done nothing to me which is driving me mad!!!!

mum 7/13/2003

my mum and i where suppose to be going shopping yesterday but she made us late and we ended up going at 2!!!! then she made the whole thing really horrible. she was so mean and wast asking me questions which i cant answer but she expects an answer then she says them again and again. it drives me mad and she was being nasty i just burst out crying in the store. i mean i know i have my period and can be a bit emotional but she could be nicer. she really doesn’t care though and its so obvious she doesn’t and she could at least pretend she does. i cut quite badly in the shower after we got home. my arms got bright red where the new cuts r and because i’ve cut loads in the same place the rest is purple it looks weird

i hate my family and my bros being evil 2

help sum1 save me. Where’s my fairy god mother or superman when i need them??? also i feel so desperate for a guy or boy to love me and me love them and for a happy ending like in all the books. im so desperate to be liked. and have a boyfriend! who i like 2.

y wont my wish come true

family ganging up on me 7/14/2003

i came downstairs and asked if i could call a friend and she said y and i said cause i wanna know if she wnts to go to the shops. then she gave me this huge lecture and started telling me that my friend had told her parents about my dad and that the deputy had told my mum whos talked to her because my friends parents talked to the deputy and she said that now the whole town will know and we wont be able to go out, talk to are neighbors, she wont be able to go to women’s club, and we'll have to move because of me and she said god knows what people think of ur father and brother. i was thinking excuse me they’ve sexually abused me and all u can think of is their reputation? so i just stormed off to the park cause my bro started having a go at me as well. there where loads of little kids at the park so i didnt go there. i saw m’s bike so i sat on the seat hoping he would go past cause i was wearing my short skuirt lol but then these scary kids came so i ran off and came home.

my dad came and goes can i have a word outside, so we went outside and he told me not to be so hard on mum and to give her a break. he said i know she can go on but give her sum space and try and be nicer.

im soooooo upset with them all and now my mums snooping at what im doing on the computer. She said I don’t trust her enough to tell her anything and i said y should i?

i cut quite deep... stinging like hell

also in town she was behind me and she made this weird noise so i turned round to c what it was and she went sorry im just being, just existing, in this really sarcastic tone. Then she said is that okay? i went okay i just turned round to what the noise was. no need to be so rude. i felt like bursting into tears for the 4th time today

eurgh 7/20/2003

my mum is being sooooooooooooo horrible!!!! She’s like we cant talk without people making notes because of you!, i have to take u everywhere now cause dad cant and shes trying to make me feel bad and the annoying thing is its working. ive got to have this case court thing where the police lady, my social worker, like a judge, my parents, my doctor the deputy head from my schoool was invited but she couldnt go so she wrote a report on what id said to the school are all going and they think im going at the moment but i really dont ant to go. a bunch of people i dont know slagging me off and especially my parents will be. so im deciding whether i should go or not. and i really dont know !help!!!!! then at the end they decide whether i should go on a register or not. if i go on the register there will be loads more meetings and if im not there wont be. i dont like social services. this is slack and my mum is really being so horrible i cant stand it and its my birthday tommorow and i just wanna disspaear and vanish from this earth :( forever!

One day Anna's mother tried to make her feel guilty for reporting her father, and she tried to get her to take it back and say it wasn't true. Anna wrote to me about it:

I said well mum if u want me to say that it didnt happen i cant do that cause it did. Then she was like u havent been abused anna. and we had this huge row. and i tried to walk out twice but she was like ANNA GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then later she was like give me a hug and i said no i don't want a hug from you. And i told her in the argument that if i have a big propblem i have no one to go to cause i cant go to u cause u wont believe me; and i said if had a little girl and they came to me with this id believe them straight away!!!!!

i feel really sad and really depressed..considering cutting my leg so no one will c it there even though i know it scars badly on legs from experience. i cant stop crying, im crying as i write this, i think what is the point, should i just end this all now? would it matter, would it make a difference. i won't tho.i dunno y but i think it mite hurt u if i did and i dont want to hurt u.ur too special to be hurt. u know i used to have faith and dreams but aparently thats wrong.

ive always wished that id have a fairy tale ending that i meet my prince, hed whisk me off my feet love me for me. i want that so bad. i want someone to love me. no one does and i wish someone would rescue me. i feel like im screaming in a room full of people and no ones listening. people hear what i say but dont understand or try to or actually listen to what i say. they just sit there scribbling away at their paper. probably thinking i cant be bothered to listen to this stupid little girl, ill read my notes later.

but u work so hard for that ending but then something could happen and u lose it all. so whats the point. and i keep imagining myself getting hurt.like falling down the satirs and going into a coma or someone attacking me or being killed. i saw myself today trip over by the stairs, smack my head on the bottom step, screw up my mouth and lying there unconcious as i walked past the satirs. its kinda weird.

i was watching tv and looking out of the window (actually the tv was acting more as a background noise) and i saw, well imagined, a man smashing the window, glass flying everywhere and bursting through with a knife. please dont think im crazy cause i know im not. im just hurt and sad and kinda suicidal today.

yesterday i went into the kitchen and I looked out the window. i saw my parents hugging under the light outside. that made me so sad i wanted to run outside and scream at them.show them how i feel. i felt liked they'd ripped my soul out and walked all over it. i feel so weak and i keep blacking out. i can hardly eat anything and have a headache thats last 5 days so far. im going on holiday on wednesday. i dont want to go, the only good thing about it is that i get my own room. id do anything not to go.

i tell people stuff, like a certain someone, about the court case and a minute ago and they got mad at me for not telling them b4. So i said but i told u the case was on monday and they said they forgot. and people always seem to just forget about me. like i dont matter and i guess really i dont. i dont do anything. i mean u matter. u help people and ur a good person. h. is a really good writer and will do something with the talent she has someday.

i hate my family. i hate them so much. this is gonna sound evil but if they were glass i would have smashed them by now. I FUCKING HATE THEM. they think they can buy me something and it will make me like them more. i was shopping the other day and fell in love with this skirt. my mum argued with me about its shortness in front of 2 girls who go to my school making me feel small and embarrased. she said u cant always have everything. all u do is ask for everything. making me out to be a spoilt brat. i hate her sooooo much i hate her. i hate her. shes always like can i have a hug. i dont want a hug from her. she doesnt love me shes betrayed me. i dont want a hug from someone who all this time has been pretending to love me.

by the way, uve been there for me i wana be there for u if u ever need to talk.

im really sorry if by my saying whats on my mind ive made u feel down. i really hope thats not the case. u no u mean a lot to me and im really glad ur my friend theres sum stuff i really wanna say to someone about someone. but i dunno. i can trust u not to say anything cant i?

p.s u know u really are a good person ur very caring and considerate and an all round lovely person