sep 1, 2003

how are you.
im absolutely shite to put it bluntly.
i feel really really down and depressed and keep randomly bursting into tears and decided its probably best too just shut myself up in my room.

i miss kinda having that time where i just do stuff in my room cause i cant face opening my door which acts as a barrier against the things that most people call their parents who cause me so much pain.

the simplest things done by them can upset me so much.

for example today my girl best friend rang me and i was so pleased cause i was worried shed forgotten all about me and i talked to her for 40mins and just talking to her about everyday stuf like what her hair loked like and stuff really lifted me spirits and cheered me up. then i went into the kitchen to get a drink and my mum asked whats xx been up to. and i said i don't know (cause i didnt) and then my dad went, "um im sorry did u just say u don't know?. you talked to her for about 5 hours. how can you not know? (all said in a very sarcastic im better thn u way) and i said well we didnt talk about that sort of thing. and my mum said well what did u talk about then and i said stuff. and that upset me. u mite think im being over sensitive and i probably am but i was thinking it is none of ur business what i was saying. if i wanted u involved in my conversation i would have asked you to listen in on the phone upstairs but i didn't and may b u have boring conversations about every single thing uve been doing in the past mounth but i don't i have far more interesting things to say and opions to express so piss off. harsh i know but a lot of the thoughts in my head are.

and like my mum had a go at me because so photos came in the post and i was really excited cause i thought they were mine so iu took them into the kitchen. my mum was watching, me and i started to open them and she had like a stroppy todler fit. she was like No stop! they're MY pictures, they're not urs YOU CAN'T open them cause there MINE. and she was like may b urs will come on monday i was like okay then she started yelling at me and saying she drove all the way to the post box to deliver them for me when actually i was justb planning on going to a shop in xx and paying for it myself.and she had 4 films and i had 1 disposable camera so i hardly think she did it for me. i find that very hard to believe.

my parents -- i dont wnat to talk to them, see them, even be in the same room as them. i really do despise them that much at the moment.

ugrh my mum just burst into here when she knew i was in here. didnt bother to knock.uh privicy!!!!!!!!

i really dnt wnt to tlk to them about anything i dnt even want to say hi.

.i hate them.

and i was talking to my mum early, i just said i saw that this programe was on later and she made a huge thing about what i said and was like u speak too fast. i can never understand what ur saying u need to sloooooooow down when u talk cause no one can understand u.

in this sitation i was thinking oh rite so you speak for the whole nation now do u and actually you don't understand what im saying or me come to think of it because you don't listen to me. im not even sure you have been made with the ability to listen.

sorry i no ive been slagging off evrything but im just in a really pissed off mood. i seem to be in a piss with everyone except you and xx. also i was online and just decided to block evryone i just couldn't face talking to these people about stupid things when i can't help thinking about the bigger things which no one does really think about if u no what i mean.

ive been blacking out quite a lot these past few days and have the worst headaches. i collapsed ealrlier.not sure y.

i miss you loads and hope your well. im really sorry this has been quite a depressing email but i just feel so fucked up today like the world is collapsing in on me and im trapped i cant see the light. i feel like ive been blanketed in a sea of nothingness. i feel so much like i dont matter and i dont