Blog Archive 1

Steve's Blog - Mostly links of Interest to Me
-Archive File 1 | Current File

http://www.coloradoan.com/article/20100221/LIFESTYLE/100219061

The language of emotional availability: CSU prof's new book tackles tests, solutions for relationships

A study by Korn/Ferry International shows the leadership skills learned in military training enhance success in corporate life. The CEO’s interviewed for this study revealed six leadership traits that have served them well in the boardroom: working as part of a team, planning and organizational skills, strong communication skills, defining a goal and motivating others to follow, ability to remain calm under pressure and a highly developed sense of ethics

www.yola.com - free hosting 1g--

10:08 AM 2/26/2010 - note to me: see stuff on xx calculator - fb app, ties etc. that was sent to tim

EQI.org Home Page

Other EQI.org Topics:

Search EQI.org | Support EQI.org

Online Consulting, Counseling Coaching from EQI.org

The Academy is a college preparatory school with a military tradition. We provide an environment which transforms and maximizes potential, teaching our young people to be disciplined and focused, while maintaining a high sense of duty, honor, loyalty and courage. From Valley Forge Military Academy, USA

-- ?? But what about empathy and compassion for those killed and their familly and friends? What about feeling guilty for death and destruction of people's lives, communities?

Mar 5 - Emotional bank account - A helpful concept. This was #1 on google today for the term: http://www.lifetrainingonline.com/blog/the-emotional-bank-account.htm

Here is a file I started - eba.htm

My personal writing offline is eba_momx.htm

Emotionally Needy -

I still don't have a specfic file on emotionally needy people. I want to create one. Here is what was 1 on google today...

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/453675/spotting_and_shaking_the_emotionally.html?cat=6

This article bothers me because the author lacks compassion. I define compassion as empathy + understanding. The autho seems to have close to zero of either empathy or understanding. She mocks, minimizes and invalidates people who are emotionally needy. For example, putting "trauma" in quotes. She doesn 't see how much damage emotional abuse and neglect does. She was surely emotionally abused herself, but seems not to realize it. And doesn 't understand what emotionally needy people need. She seems to condemn them. But this is like condemning someone for being hungry or starving. It is not helpful. Not even to the people she writes towards. Instead it is likely to make them feel more judgmental of other people, which doesn't help the person who is judging. Even if her advice of basically leaving such people may be helpful, the way she says it is not an emotionally intelligent way to go about it.

She basically sounds bitter and resentful. It is obvious she is talking about a personal experience she had. But she doesn't seem to take any responsibility for being in the relationship in the first place. I would guess she is not particularly aware of her own emotional needs. Here is one example of her tone:

They always to churn up some drama --She writes: it could be the normal growing up stuff that we all went through.." but this shows that she minimizes the damage whch was done to her. Or denies it completely. She doesn't realize that not everyone goes through the same thing. Some people really are abused, but she seems to think they should just "get over it." I worry that she may have kids and invalidate their feelings with her beliefs.

Emotionally Needy people take everything personally.- This was from my journal in 2006? (this was in reference to ___ from Atlanta saying talking about saving money to buy a birthday present for a friend vs to save money to buy something which would help meet my needs.)

- I didn't finish searching, copying and pasting from within the EQI site on this term

Needy -

It is more helpful to talk about a person being needy than to call them selfish. If we say "selfish" we tend to think of it as a "character flaw", ... from selfish.htm

So they are needy. Emotionally needy. They have enough to eat, ... So they become more and more needy. They need attention from the females... from mario.htm

But if we say "needy" then we might start to ask ourselves why the person is needy, what they need exactly, and why their needs were not me. ... from loo.htm

One of the main things I want to say is that because I was so emotionally needy, I drove away the females I most wanted and needed. ...from men.htm

Note to TG - keep going thru search results within EQI for "needy" and "emotionally needy"

Note to self - Started file emotionally_needy

Note to me - German Tomas who offered to pay me for phone calls vs Japanese guy who stole cereal.

- more compe or more coop?
- more friends.. more money?
- better wives? better mothers?
- respect - consider their feelings
more powerful has more responsib

What Does It Mean To Be Blessed By God?
Jump to Comments

I didn’t expect to spend my morning in tears, I have an essay to write for goodness sake! But I was praying the Rosary, the Sorrowful Mysteries, and it hit me: Mary was “favored” by the Lord

Luke 1:28 “And coming to her, he [the Angel Gabriel] said, ‘Hail favored one! The Lord is with you’”

she was “blessed among women”

Luke 1:42 [Elizabeth] “cried out in a loud voice and said, ‘Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb’”

and yet she had to watch while her son was dragged away, beaten, tortured, mocked, and finally killed.

I know this is a “duh” moment, but as a mother myself I couldn’t help but think about how I would feel if it were my son who was tortured and killed right in front of me. If I had to stand by helpless and just watch it happen. This is what it means to be blessed by God?
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the gods. The blessed ones were the gods. They had achieved a state of happiness and contentment in life that was beyond all cares, labors, and even death. The blessed ones were beings who lived in some other world away from the cares and problems and worries of ordinary people. To be blessed, you had to be a god.

Makarios took on a second meaning. It referred to the "dead". The blessed ones were humans, who, through death, had reached the other world of the gods. They were now beyond the cares and problems and worries of earthly life. To be blessed, you had to be dead.

In essence you might say we believe in utopia. The idea of a perfect society where people, nature and technology live in harmony. True, people will never agree on the final shape and structure an utopian culture should take, but the concept of trying to achieve something better than what we already have is still the same.

Mark 8 31 And he began to teach them, that the Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected by the elders and by the high priests, and the scribes, and be killed: and after three days rise again.

this contradicts what some say is a criticism of the theory that the apostles didn't steal jc's body. one site said they had no idea he would arise from the dead

feeling judgmental - Amy - why do you give CS'ers a discount if you are so woried about money?

If you love someone, you will help them, not hurt them. Punishment is hurtful. To help them you must know what they need. Punishing doesn't help either of you identify, fill needs.

If I am a burden, I will kill myself. Rather than hurt someone else i will kill myself.

Sociological theories of suicide are based on the classic pioneering study of suicide by Emile Durkheim (1897,1951). In his Le Suicide, Durkheim found that suicide results from a kind of misfit between the individual andhis/her society. Based on this structure, Durkheim postulated four types of suicide:• Egoistic: When an individual is alienated from social life, social bonds are weak and so is the bond to life.Example: Single people have higher suicide rates than married people.• Altruistic: When the individual’s social bonds are too strong, he/she is at risk of suicide as sacrifice to pre-sumed societal needs. This type of suicide is rare. Example: World War II kamikaze pilots.• Anomic: When a society fails to regulate the activities of an individual, he/she suffers from an excess of indi-vidual freedom combined with low levels of connection to larger society. Example: Mass suicides among iso-lated cultists who are “out of synch” with larger society or in Western frontier environs where societal regula-tion is weak.• Fatalistic: When an individual is over-controlled, suicide may be employed as an escape. Example:Suicides among prisoners.Suicides in America are generally considered to be of egoistic (the individual is isolated from society) or anomic (soci-ety fails to regulate the individual) type. Durkheim’s classifications, which have been refined but are still widelyaccepted by social scientists, argue that changes in society’s suicide-promoting forces are the most effective means ofreducing suicide

Two websites by Brent Scot. We thank him for his donations to us at EQI and our friends at whatdepresses.me

10:46 AM 5/3/2010
From Sasho - Movie about Dolphins - The Cove. + Story of how they can chain an elephant to a ball for a few months, put food around him, then remove the ball, leaving just chain and he won't leave.

Also - idea of having 5 kids, they each have five. Making a difference in the world thru your kids.

Hi Olga,

I just talked to an interesting guy from Bulgaria.

Here is his couchsurfing profile.

He said he sometimes gets depressed because he can't change the world as much as he would like to, but then he remembers that he can have 5 children and teach them in a different way, and they can each have 5 children and teach them in a different way.

I like this idea.
So I thought of you. Maybe it will give you more reason to live if you think of learning everything you can so you can teach your children in new ways.

Did I tell you my girlfriend and I want to make a group of people who will all live together and teach their children in the ways that we think about the world?
Maybe you would like to join us one day :)

Please don't give up on life. If you want, you can come to Montenegro to stay here for a while and think about life, to read, walk in the mountains, swim in the river and ocean. Nature heals us.

Please don't give up.

Your friend always,

Steve

6:39 AM 5/10/2010

Feel so confused, frustrated. Don't know how much time to spend on what.

--my neighbor is so close to me. cutting his fingernails. distracting. stressful. we can't communicate much. i dont speak the language here. he's nice enough. but his wife was screaming at on of their daughters a few weeks ago. i tried writing to her on fb but she didnt answer.

me writing rmo steph's writing....

ill read some now...

Brought puppy home. Milica gave us box. Saw our conductor friend on train. Gave him 3 euros. He wanted to give us .50 back. Others - Saso, Margi, Victor had paid 2.40 the day before.

Babies, puppies. How pple treat them, think of them (Jasmin said "I think it's stubborn:).

Wondering why Darren didn't write back. Met Canadians who teach at Oxford in Bar. He talked about God, love. Satan.

Quit now, Puppy and mom sleeping. Rory is here, with Jen. Walkers. www.carrix.ch

Saso said he is trying to encourage her. She feels pressured. Couples workshops?

It brings tears to my eyes to think of someone telling a child Don't be afraid" and the child thinking, "But I am afraid" Then the scarey one shouts it "Don't be afraid!".

Don't be so tall. Don 't be so short. Don't think so much. Don't be yourself. I don't like you how you are. Therefore I don't like you. And if I don't no one else will either.

Does someone yell at a dog to be quiet when it is whimpering? See email to backup eqi account.

7/1/2010-- A talented young American writer stayed at my hostel for a few days last month. Here is an example of his writing:

8:02 AM 7/3/2010

I feel attacked by someone. At war. Lied about. Misrepresented. Offended. Disrespected. I felt intimidated. A little powerless. Judged. Invalidated. Then threatened. Abused. Used. Manipulated. Sabotaged. Devalued. Discarded. Unvalued. Disposed of. Felt hatred. Hurtful. Hostile. Aggressive.

Many things to think about.
Imbalance of power. Abuse of power. Need for control. Insecurity. Fear. Emotional illiteracy. Danger to others. Example, children, partners, students.

Not taking responsibility. Invalidating. Lack of compassion. Self-righteousness. Feeling superior, judgmental. Lack of awareness. Labeling people not feelings.

Indirect. "passive-aggressive". Afraid of direct conflict. Similar to flaming. Lack of understanding. No desire to understand. No desire to learn.

Easier to criticize. Easier to help than hurt. Motivation was to hurt, not help.

Dysfunctional beliefs. Punishment. Threats. Inborn badness.

Needing to be feared. Not earning respect or placing importance on it.

Understanding of cause and effect. <==

"Mental anguish" - is invalidation a legally meaningful term, concept?

If someone gives you information and you ignore it, or use it against them, what do you call that? If someone says "water hurts me" and you throw water on them and say "It shouldn't hurt. If it hurts you then that is your problem" what do we call this? What do we think of it? What do we do about it? Do we accept it? If not, what do we do?

Punishment vs education.

x's parents father said if she didn't stop crying he would hit her so hard she would remember it for the rest of her life

so interesting question is "how did your parents stop you from crying" or "what did they do when you were crying?"

x's parents say "please..." in an impatient, disapproving voice. + because I said so.

SPH says when parents don't know how they feel & cant say it they don't know what they need, so you can't explain it. If u can't explain urself to an intelligent person, you won't earn their respect, cooperation. Without r and c ho have to resort to fear, rewards, manipulation

She wanted them to be quiet, she wanted to sleep. She needed sleep. She felt out of control, judgmental, invaded, disturbed. She might have told them she was very sleepy and asked if they could play somewhere else, but she shouted at them. First she had shouted from the window. Now I think I could have done more. I could have tried to find out what she was shouting about. She felt ignored. Powerless. Unimportant. Unvalued. Insignficant.

Conflict resolution center. Training center. centar za razvoj nevladinih Nevena 1st person I talked to, then, Maria www.crnvo.me

Feel satisfied that I have proved something in Podgorica. That you can start a hostel here. Ready to do something else now. Met a lot of people. Made/have a lot of friends. Got CS request from guy in Estonia, said he wants to come here because of my writing. That is what I want. Something D and I can do together. DC like David Caruso. ha ha.

Was looking for Marko, with red VVW golf in parking lot, found Zarko, also has red vw golf! He was friendly.

feel encouraged today. one reason is not very religious here compared to south america where i asked jesus questions

feel motivated to give feeling words to x - he thinks a lot at night. uses art to express himself. tries to make things better, is relatively optimistic.

but he felt judgemental about neighbor in tight,white shorts. sounded a bit like marija when she said why dont u just quit.

thinking more about kirk. how much do i love him? how much love do i feel for him?

easier to judge than understand. so why do we put such high value on judges!? understanders have more value in society.

For anyone who reads this carefully, I added sume things between "Study about friends, family, living longer"" and 7/1/2010

5:46 AM 7/25/2010

Last night Javier Diaz from Spain had a reservation at the hostel
but didn't come. I sent him a text message, and got the delivery
report, at 5:38 in the afternoon to ask what time he would arrive.
He didn't reply to that. At about 10 PM I called him with Skype.
He answered and I said "Do you speak English?" Then he hung up.
Then I sent a text message saying "Estoy con el hostel en
Podgorica. Contesta por favor. Gracias". This means "I am with the
hostel in Podgorica. Please answer. Thanks"

Then a few minutes later I called him again. He didn't answer the
phone.

I felt afraid this indicated that he was not going to come and
didn't want to tell us. He made his booking through Hostelworld,
and their contract states that if a guest doesn't come and doesn't
cancel in advance, they have to pay the full price of the beds to
the hostel. So maybe he was afraid of this.

I will write to him and let him know that I would like to be paid.
If he pays me I will post that here. I will also give an update
later, either way.

His email is ja
His phone is 0034 660 167 771

This bothers me a lot because it is the middle of the busy season
and the hostel was full last night. I turned away 4 guests and
told them we were full. Yet there were 4 beds empty this morning
when I woke up since Javier never came.

This hurts us and the guests who would have liked to stay here.
They might have had to pay a lot more money to sleep somewhere
else or they might have been inconvienced a lot.

It also bothers me that he didn't answer my texts or speak to me
on the phone. I speak Spanish well enough that we could have
communicated even if he doesn't speak English much.

Sept 2 CafePress - Wrote a couple emails to her yesterday. another one today suggesting I could promote their Today I feel products which are using my feeling words list

It also became obvious that childhood abuse and neglect plays a huge role in illness, chronic pain, addictions and depression. Dave Rainham, MD

Dr. Rainham wrote to us and asked if he could use some quotes from our work on cutting for something he is writing for students..

Sept 26 - With education you can learn to make bombs. With love, you won't want to. -- We now have a world where children and teenagers are over-educated and under-loved.

Education is a means of control. It is control in disguise. Education is control in disguise. Education is social control in disguise.

I need a new system of helping people. I can't answer all the emails myself. What I am doing now is "unsustainable." Emotionally, physically, financially. Maybe something like this.. a person writes to us. We post their letter with their email address. Or better they write to someone else. We can't even read all the emails to sort them out. I need to start letting someone else read my mail, sorting it. Just like Obama has people reading mail for him. I wonder how many pple actually have his personal email address. Maybe I need a new person email address. Probably.

I want, need to write. Can't do what every one wants me to do. It's like asking Picasso, Rembrandt, Monet to paint their houses for everyone who knows they are painters.

Just saw a small guide to the hostels (auberge) in France. Gave me the idea of a guide to the EQI.org site.

There definitely is something "bigger" than me. The concept of a god is handy at times. But I'd like to create a new concept of this thing that is bigger. I kind of like Eva. Sounds more like evolution, and more feminine. World is out of balance. We need more feminine energy as they say. More love, less education. 1 hour a day on love? Is that too much or not enough? Who decides? Decisions must be made based on needs. Not the needs of those in power though. Imbalance of power. Or later what if the children and teens have power. Then will it be okay to make decisions based on their needs? Hmm. Something to think about.

Feel supported by Brent. It's nice. Don't feel supported by many people. Valued by many. P values me but needs me in ways that I don't value much myself. And in ways that are not helping me feel valued let's say. Something like a man is hungry and he sees that Picassso lives in a place with lots of fruit. He also likes Picasso's paintings. But every day he asks Picasso do come over and bring him food and help him paint his house. Picasso feels valued... but it is unfulfilling. He needs to do more with his life, time, his talents, potential. Picasso might feel bad that he can't give them man as much food as he needs. And doesn't have time to help him paint his house and also help him fix his broken water pipes and broken lock on the door, but Picasso must set his "boundaries". Yet if Picasso feels guilty everyday for not doing more to help the man, Picasso is slowly killing himself. He can't paint when he feels guilty. He might start to drink or do something else self-destructive, or just get depressed, more and more depressed. And stop working. Then feel even more depressed because he is not working, painting.

My goal for the next week is get my inbox in eqimail down to less than 50. It is 77 now. (I have several thousand messages in folders).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iAhkT4s9TE Johnny Paycheck's "Outlaw's Prayer" - The singer of "Take this job and shove it.. what a volunteer said to me today. ha ha So I told her about the song..

"...In my early professionals years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?"

Is abuse intelligent? - Google results today. zero. Dec 24, 2010 Chat with Tim - I would say emotionally intelligent communication is communcation that guarantees the validation of a person's emotions. It includes listening, respect (given both persons respect each other fully), and the lack of emotional abuse.

Underlying social anxiety disorder is the fear of being scrutinized, judged, or embarrassed in public

Triggers for social anxiety disorder (social phobia)

The following situations are often stressful for people with social anxiety disorder:

I met three fathers. They each had one son. Each father told me they wanted their son to have a better life than they did. They each told me they didn't want their son to have to worry about money as much as they did. One father added that he wanted his son to feel safter than he did. He wanted his son to live in a world where there was less chance of being killed by another human. use it to send his son to a university and then his son would be able to get a good job and never have to worry about money. He said he

Another father said he was working hard so he could to make a million dollars so he could leave it for his son. That way his son could invest it and live off of the interest or do whatever he wanted with the money and not have to worry about his grades or getting into a university.

Another father told me he was working as little as possible so he could so he could spend more time with his son and help his son feel safe secure and confident so the son would never have to be afraid of not being able to support himself.

The father that said he wanted his son to live in a safer world said that he planned to travel around the world with his son to how similar humans are and to help him understand why there are conflicts and to learn and discover better ways to solve them. He said instead of sending his children to a school controlled by other people, he would help his son learn independently. He said he would be a role model for his son by being self-employed. He also wanted work side by side with his son so he could get to know his son

When I walked past I just silently waved to him. I went in the breakfast room. Without saying anything he turned on the lights for me. I was afraid he might say interrupt me in some way or stop me from working their. Instead, he tried to help me. Notice I said "tried" - I might have wanted to leave the lights off. Then I would have had to have a small conflict with him. But having the lights on didn't bother me. And I felt relived that it was his way of showing that it was okay to use the breakfast room, and he was even willing to help me in a way that he thought was being helpful.

In Lipton's terms we could he was making the environment a supportive one. So I will feel less threatened by him in the future.

- bookstore - adding The Biology Of Belief: - need to add Book on emotional abuse which I added to eabuse1.htm the other day

This web site is dedicated to Heavenly Father (God) and True Parents (Reverend and Mrs. Moon).

freedom is difficult to understand because it isn't a presence but an absence--an absence of governmental constraint. William Simon. + Story of leaving the USSR and everyone clapping.

jan 19 - melaka - Swami - evidently from Spain. http://www.swamisananda.com not sure how i found this but i think from some bruce lipton search. I put it here as an example of new age stuff.

Old note. I no longer have that hostel . After staying in hostels around the world for a long, long time, I have finally decided to open one of my own: Steve's Place in Montenegro. Here is my site on Montenegro

I need to express myself. Need to be able to write in the morning when I wake up. Immediately. Without leaving bed. With no interruption in my thoughts.

Big changes.. rights vs needs. "justice", no more punishment. understanding, not judging, punishing, meeting "real needs" - identifying them. cutting control by state, government, authority ie people who will hurt you to get you to do what they want.

No results found for "i do not want to follow the will of the majority". lol

Well, then let me be the first to say it, and sorry to Thomas Jefferson.. but oh well he is dead anyhow...

i got to that from this page.. southsearepublic.org/article/529/read/where_do_rights_come_from

bye. see you. then the boy runs back. the father crouches down and opens his arms wide and the boy runs to him.

What bothers me is that she deleted my post, in which I said something like "Just want to let people know this was copied from eqi.org/invalid.htm.. Steve Hein, Owner eqi.org

And she didn't apologize to me, or acknowledge that she had copied the page without giving me credit.

Just had a convo with lady from australia about nigel latta, rasing kids etc. she works for the family and children center in Canberra

She tells her kids to tell the truth but they say "But you will get cross at us if we tell the truth." Then she says "Lying will get you into more trouble. She is trying to create a safe environment for them where it is ok to make mistakes and tell the truth. But she is still making them afraid to..

"If you come to a hospital with a broken bone people will do something about it."