Steve's Personal Page
Steve's Page on Emotional Intelligence
Briar - 15 as of April 2002 page 2
Ontario, Canada
April 13 second chat continued...
steve says:
listen if i could do anything at all to help u what would it be
steve says:
and dont say shrugs pleease
steve says:
lol
steve says:
brb
Freezin my @$$ off says:
k
steve says:
think while am going to the bathrooom
steve says:
lol
steve says:
and have an answer for me when i get back!
steve says:
lol
steve says:
k?
steve says:
back
steve says:
where is my answer???
steve says:
lol
Freezin my @$$ off says:
lol
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i dont really know if u can help
steve says:
well what would u like if u could just imagine something
Freezin my @$$ off says:
a simple hug
Freezin my @$$ off says:
(for real)
Freezin my @$$ off says:
:'(
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
i could do that
steve says:
what else
Freezin my @$$ off says:
*shrugs*
Freezin my @$$ off says:
lol
steve says:
smart aleck
steve says:
so anyhow....
steve says:
did u answer my question about talking to your mom if u cant hang
on
Freezin my @$$ off says:
no
steve says:
well how do u feel about the idea
Freezin my @$$ off says:
*shrugs*
ok i guess
steve says:
k
steve says:
k
steve says:
how would i find her
Freezin my @$$ off says:
If i kill myself i'll email u and tell ya her phone # and email
addy first
steve says:
lol
steve says:
how about if u tell me the name of the clinic she volunteers at
(then she disconnected because she felt scared or pressured by that last question....)
April 13 third chat
:'( says:
hey....
steve says:
hey
steve says:
thanks for coming back
:'( says:
im crying so hard right now that im shaking
steve says:
k
steve says:
it is okay to cry
steve says:
u have a lot of pain inside
:'( says:
NO, its NOT ok to cry
steve says:
why do u say that
:'( says:
im supposed to be strong... im not supposed to cry
:'( says:
ever
steve says:
according to who
:'( says:
my parents
:'( says:
my grandparents
:'( says:
my friends
steve says:
not according to me!
steve says:
i cry lots
steve says:
and i believe it is healthy when u feel so much pain
steve says:
anyhow...
steve says:
i really encourage u to let yourself cry briar
:'( says:
i cant cry
i wont let myself cry
steve says:
cuz u think it makes u look weak?
:'( says:
*nods*
steve says:
aw
steve says:
if i were there and i was crying over something like losing my gf
what would u do
:'( says:
i'd prolly give u a hug
steve says:
yeah i bet u would
steve says:
i doubt u would think i was weak, huh
:'( says:
no i wouldnt
steve says:
so the same way, i don't think u are weak
steve says:
man briar u have been treated terribly
steve says:
u have a lot of reason to cry
steve says:
but maybe u are scared that if u start to feel your pain and
start crying u wont ever stop
steve says:
and if u realized how you were cheated of your child hood and not
protected and how basically you lost your childhood, then u
probably would cry for the loss of the neat little kid that u
once were
(long silence)
steve says:
u still there?
:'( says:
steve, im scared
i really am
steve says:
of what briar
:'( says:
of living
of being alone
of the unknown
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
can i tell u something
:'( says:
sure
steve says:
i am thinking that the reason you came on to that guy is to help
u feel more in control
steve says:
more powerful
steve says:
more like an equal
steve says:
cuz u have been treated so badly
steve says:
made to feel so small
steve says:
that was a way of you having some control
steve says:
when everyone else has always tried to control u
:'( says:
yeah...
steve says:
anyhow, so i dont judge u
steve says:
k?
:'( says:
k
steve says:
do u judge yourself though?
:'( says:
yes
steve says:
yeah i can understand
steve says:
briar there is so much i want to explain to u
steve says:
i want u to stay alive so I can explain it
steve says:
u read my diary all the time right?
:'( says:
right
steve says:
do the things I say make sense?
:'( says:
yeah
steve says:
i am sitting her crying cuz i want to help u so much
steve says:
i want to help u see there is nothing wrong with u
steve says:
that u are not a slut
steve says:
u are not a bitch
steve says:
u are not any of those things they tried to make u believe
steve says:
how do u feel when i say that
:'( says:
i dont believe it
steve says:
yeah i know it is hard for u to believe
steve says:
cuz that is what they have taught u for 15 yeaers
steve says:
i am just asking u to give me some time to help u see a different
view of yourself
steve says:
will u do that?
steve says:
and dont say shrugs!
steve says:
lol
steve says:
do u want to say yes
steve says:
but find it hard to say?
:'( says:
yeah
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
are u sleepy?
:'( says:
no
steve says:
k
steve says:
how are u feeling
steve says:
have u been crying or thinking or what
:'( says:
im feeling better than i was and ive been crying, thinking, and
reading my friend's journal entries about me
steve says:
k
steve says:
can i see them
:'( says:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lorah/
:'( says:
almost all teh entries have SOMETHING to do with me
steve says:
k
steve says:
hang on
steve says:
i will read them
:'( says:
k
steve says:
k
steve says:
i am still reading
steve says:
who is this person
:'( says:
she's a girl from my youth group
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u believe in heaven and hell
:'( says:
yes
steve says:
does hell scare u
:'( says:
yeah
steve says:
do u worry that u would go there if u killed urself
:'( says:
no
steve says:
do u think god loves u
:'( says:
yes
steve says:
how much do u feel loved by him
steve says:
0-10?
:'( says:
9
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u think he believes u are a slut, a bitch and a liar?
:'( says:
yes
steve says:
but he still loves u
steve says:
?
:'( says:
yep
steve says:
k explain how u think he thinks
:'( says:
*shrugs*
i gotta get to bed
:'( says:
goodnight
:'( says:
I prolly wont be on for a week...
steve says:
i thought u werent sleepy
:'( says:
im not
:'( says:
but i hafta get up early
steve says:
are u being straight with me
steve says:
or are u going to go take some tylenol
:'( says:
im not gonna take the tylenol
:'( says:
honestly
steve says:
k
steve says:
if u do i will come up there and strangle u
steve says:
lol
:'( says:
lol
steve says:
k
:'( says:
goodnight
:'( says:
and God Bless You and thanx 4 everything
steve says:
u r welcome, and thank u for being so open and honest with me
steve says:
hang in there
steve says:
() () () () () () () () () ()
steve says:
those are ten hugs
steve says:
i think...
steve says:
lol
:'( says:
lol
steve says:
k
steve says:
good night
steve says:
will u email me in the morning
steve says:
and let me know u are okay
:'( says:
yep
steve says:
k
steve says:
cuz i will be thinking of u
:'( says:
bye
steve says:
bye
April 15, 2002 (her nick name was a smile face... but it didn't show up when I copied it here)
steve says:
so u are feeling a lot better?
Smile says:
yep
steve says:
good
steve says:
how come
Smile says:
*shrugs*
i just do
steve says:
k
steve says:
that is enough of a reason
steve says:
maybe just a little time and sleep and stuff
steve says:
anyhow I am so glad!
Smile says:
...
steve says:
i read that u are bi
steve says:
i didn't know that!
steve says:
lol
steve says:
when was the last time u had a gf
Smile says:
3 months ago
steve says:
did u actually kiss her?
steve says:
lol
Briar say:
yep
says:
tons
steve says:
lol
steve says:
if i were going to be bi i would like to be a bi girl
steve says:
cuz i would rather kiss girls
steve says:
wait i am not sure that made sense
says:
lol
steve says:
lol
steve says:
i cant imaging kissing a guy actually
steve says:
all though that shit head tried to kiss me
steve says:
that was so gross
steve says:
the worst thing in my life i think
steve says:
anyhow i have to go
steve says:
will u be on for a while
steve says:
like 30 minutes?
says:
yeah
steve says:
k
steve says:
then i will probly ttyl
steve says:
k?
Smile says:
k bye
April 15 second chat
Smile says:
hey
steve says:
hi again
steve says:
it is nice to see u smiling
Smile says:
im not really...
steve says:
oh
steve says:
no?
Smile says:
no...
did u read the email i sent u?
steve says:
no
steve says:
hang on
steve says:
k
steve says:
i just read it
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
that is scary
Smile says:
i know
steve says:
do u have any ideas what is going on
Smile says:
i know im anorexic and bulimic
Smile says:
but im scared to get help
steve says:
do u make urself throw up
Smile says:
yes
steve says:
how often
Smile says:
like every time i eat
steve says:
oh wow
steve says:
really
Smile says:
yeah, i know its a lot... 3 years ago i started by making myself
throw up only after huge family dinners and stuff like that
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
what would make ur hair fall out?
Smile says:
*shrugs*
anorexia can do that to you, but i have no idea y
steve says:
it can?
Smile says:
yep
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
why are u scared to tell pple
Smile says:
im scared of what they'll think when they find out
steve says:
like they will judge u or what
Smile says:
i know they'll judge me
steve says:
what do u think they will say
Smile says:
they'll prolly be all sorts of rumors at school saying i did it
for attention or shit like that
steve says:
oh
steve says:
yeah school kids can be very hurtful
Smile says:
im gonna go to bed now cuz i feel like im gonna pass out... bye
steve says:
April 23, 2002 - Email
Im just really sad right now. I don't know why. Im in one of those moods where I wish someone would just come up to me and hug me and ask me how I'm feeling (and really want to know). I feel like crying, but I can't. I can't cry anymore, I ALWAYS smile and laugh, even if I'm crying on the inside. This is one of the days where my screen name describes how I truly feel. I AM dead inside.
What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.
I wish that I could just die right now. The bulimia and anorexia are just too much for me to handle right now. I need to reach out for help, but I can't even admit to myself that I need help. It's so hard. Life is so hard. I wish that just ONE person would hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, but that will never happen. *sighs* I hate my life. I wish I were dead. I want to kill myself and end all my pain, but I could never be that selfish. I spend so much time living my life to make others happy, that I forget about myself. I'm such a perfectionist that I always stress myself out. Most of my problems are my own fault, though. I mean, if I had been a good girl my stepdad never would've beat me or put me down. It's my fault. Everything is always my fault.
Notes she has left me on my online journal-
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