Don't Just Say You are Sorry...
Don't Just Say You are Sorry, Prove It
Here is a summary and adaptation of an article which is one of the first in searching the term "Don't just say you are sorry". It has been copied many times and it is unclear who originally wrote it, but it's popularity is well-deserved. The full article is here.
- The key to a good apology is really meaning it and convincing the other person that you are truly remorseful.
- In other words, sincerity. If you are insincere, the other person will "will almost certainly see through you."
- A sincere apology will help mend the connection that was harmed by your words or actions.
- The best way to prove that you are sincere is to make sure you don't repeat what you did and to take careful steps to that end.
Apologizing for your actions is something but being cautious to
not ever repeat your actions really proves that you will be
indeed sorry.
Being specific regarding the reason for your apology also really
proves that you will be sorry. Many people are quick to consider
an apology when many people realize someone is upset using them
but often they don’t make an effort to figure out why the
other person is upset. Apologizing without stating the reason for
the apology shows you don’t understand the problem and that
you aren’t sincere as part of your apology. This is not a
good way to make an apology. Even so, if you offer a unique
reason for your apology you will be proving that you understand
what you did to hurt your partner and that do not need to repeat
that action.
Another way to prove since your apology is authentic is usually
to be sure to offer the apology directly. Having a third party
talk to the person you get offended or apologizing by means of
email or voice mail conveys a not enough caring. This kind of
apology shows that you aren’t truly sorry in your actions.
Meeting with the person face to manage to have a truthful
conversation and offer your apology is one way to really prove
that you will be sorry. It shows that anyone care enough about
your partner to meet with them directly to use to make amends for
the contributions to the difference.
In apologizing, if you intend to prove that you genuinely mean
it, be careful not to place blame on anybody you are apologizing
to be able to. Your apology is about telling your partner why you
believe which you did something wrong. While they will have
contributed to the specific situation, now is not the time to
indicate their faults. Instead take full responsibility for what
you've done wrong. Accepting full responsibility to your actions
and apologizing for them without placing blame on your partner
will prove that your apology is sincere.
A genuine apology will in addition include telling your partner
why your actions was wrong and how you need to avoid hurting them
later on. Doing this proves to them in addition to that you
understand you were wrong but that you understand why you was
wrong. It also lets them be aware that you have already
formulated a treatment to ensure that this kind of situation does
not arise later on.
The timing of your apology may also help to prove that you really
are sorry. Waiting too long that will apologize may show that you
just don’t really care and that you will be simply
apologizing as the afterthought. An apology which is made too
early may well risk being ignored as the recipient of the apology
remains too upset to take note on what you are expressing.
It’s important to give your partner a chance to port their
anger and de-stress before rushing to apologize. After a
reasonable period approach them and tell them that you understand
their anger and assume it is justified knowning that you wanted
to give them an opportunity to calm down before apologizing.
It is sometimes not enough to simply apologize for the words or
actions. Its often necessary to not simply apologize but to also
prove since your apology is sincere. A truly sincere apology
proves that you will be sorry by addressing the problem and
acknowledging what you have done wrong while validating the
opposite person’s right to always be angry and addressing
how i will avoid similar actions from now on.
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National Sorry Day - Australia
On the day I searched "Don't just say sorry" an article about National Sorry Day in Australia came up first. The article was written by Helen Moran, who was a co-chair of a national committee in Australia addressing the Sorry Day issue. In her article Moran explains why just saying sorry isn't enough. Here are some quotes:
"There is so much more to the apology than words. There is the content and the intent of the Government regarding outcomes and future action."
"It is not just about saying Sorry.. It is about reparations that embrace Rehabilitation, Restitution, Acknowledgement, Apology, measures against Repetition, and Monetary Compensation."
"For Minister Macklin to rule out compensation when the Rudd Government has not commenced appropriate consultation with the Stolen Generations, seems a little premature to say the least," Moran said. "It begs the question of whether we are facing more of the same treatment Indigenous Australia has faced for the past 11 years under the Howard Government. More tokenistic consultation when in fact the decisions have been made before hand".
Note: The movie Rabbit Proof Fence is about the stealing of children in Australia.
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This is a day when the Australian Government formally apologized to the Aboriginals in Australia for the official government policy of removing Aboriginal children from their homes so they could be raised by white, Christian, Australians between approximately 1870 and 1970. The intent of the Austalian government seems to be that the entire Aboriginal race would die out from Austraila in this way. For years, the national government in Australia refused to apologize for this, but then when a new Prime Minster was elected, Kevin Rudd, they did finally issue a formal apology.