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July 16 2014- My partner of 4 years has stopped talking to me. The last thing I knew she was in Portugal. I am in Uruguay. We lived here together then she went to the UK for medical reasons in Feb. On June 30 she told me she did not want to hear from me. I am in a lot of emotional pain from losing her support. And from many other things. Steve

july 12 i am in pain from so many things it is too hard for me to list them all. sofie's letter. gabriel. si a la vida. emberline. cianna. sr's comment:other than all the negative things, what do you do for fun? abandonment. loss. rejectio. feeling/being judged. feeling/being alone. feeling/being unimportant to people i wsnt to feel/be important to. not feeling/being valued now, while i am still alive. having no children. no or almost no support from "family"/relatives.painful emails saying things like "you sound like a child. how long are you going to mope?" feeling intimidated, judged/not valued by a lady in the uk who runs an online facebook group for unschoolers. feeling less important than minecraft. less valued than some guy named elliot something. thos are some of the things....not all. it has been 14 days/nights now without hearing from priscilla. my hosting department - my core files all missing. things that are happening in the USA-too many to list. too painful to start listing. things happening in the world. feeling powerless. unappreciated. almost invisible. more

july 8 9:22 am - i am in a lot of pain lately.

from a lot of dift things.

July 1 - I look around the room and see Prsicilla's things... I get a lump in my throat. The fire went out last night. No embers left to start it again. When the fire goes out, it is iust out. You can't bring it back. You could start a new one, but only with a match or something to light it. I don't have any more matches. I could go get some. For another person it would seem like such an easy thing to do. But I refuse to. I feel ... determined. I tried to tell people. I tried pretty hard I think. P knows how I tried to talk to my sisters for exmple. And how much empathy and understanding I got from them. P knows. She knows it all. Or she knows enough. But does she care. Can she care? Or is she in too much pain.
I never met anyone like her. And I dont feel ..."optimistic" that I will ever meet anyone else like her, even remotely like her, again.

I'm just tired of it all. Tired of being fake. Having fake "friends" - tired of controlling people. Tired of having to ask permission. I have to ask permission to tell the truth? That seems odd now that I think about it. And what if I ask for permission but I don't get it, yet at the same time I need to do what I don't have permission to do? Then what?
Not even P knows what I am talking about. Because she isn't talking to me. She doesn't want to hear from me.

Here is a website I was looking at last night

http://www.businesspundit.com/10-millionaire-businessmen-who-committed-suicide/

So yeah it's possible to be successful and then kill yourself.

=

She used to need me. She doesn't anymore. She said she loved me. I really don't know what that means. Ocean said Once I start loving someone I never reallhy stop. Ann said, I will always love you. Never forget that. -- I haven't but it seems she did.

How many times did P say she loved me? How many text messages did she send saying I love you...

*tears

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I wrote about the last straw.... but sometimes there are a few straws that come all at the same time, or over a period of, say 3 or 4 days. And sometimes there is a brick or some rocks or a two ton truck that all come in the same period of time. If someone were taking the straw off of the camel's back, it would not break. But no one is traking the straw off. People just keep piling more stuff onto his back. So Chandler sent a hug. That is like taking a piece of straw off. Thanks C. I know you would take the two ton truck and the bricks and the rocks off too If you could. But I also know you can't. Not because you wouldn't like to, but for other, practical reasons that make it impossible. Anyhow the damage has already been done to the camel's back.

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Why are people so insecure? So afraid? Actually I think I know. Or I have a good enough idea. But not many people are interested. They typically get defensive if I start to suggest the reasons. And probaby 98 percent of the time they either won't realize they feel defensive or they won't acknowledge it or they don't understand it or why they are feeling defensive.

I am pretty tired of insecure, defensive people. And they are tired of me. They attack me. Over and over. I just write. But they attack me. They want to hurt me. I want to help them but they don't want my help. I want to help "their" children, but they are really scared by my ideas and my "llifestyle" and my actions and my beliefs and basically everything about me.

“You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.” A. Einstein

Journal

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