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Today I just want to start my page on "Al". He asks that his real name not be identified. His afraid of his parents.
I often feel overwhelmed and intimidated by Al's intelligence. I have struggled to even start this page because I don't know where to begin and what to put in and what to change and what to leave out. It really pains me how he is being treated at home and at school. It pains me so much it is hard to even think about it and type this now. So I will go quicky for fear of not doing it at all, as I have "put it off" for so many days now.
Below are some recent emails from "Al".
Core Components of EQI.org
|Date: Thu, 3
Oct 2013 20:01:29 -0400
Subject: Falling apart
God I'm such an attention whore. Every single time I talk to you I say
"this is the end, I'm dying on the inside, huuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr" and every
time I seem to survive. But that's what it feels like, an immense pressure
from all sides, including the inside.
So... let me begin with a reason for you to lose hope in me. Sounds
I was under the impression that I was going to my shrink today, which is
not the case and when I heard this I was very disappointed. I like him a
lot better than my parents, in fact. I still don't really trust him, so
there's been a bit of withholding.
I'm doubting myself, and by myself I mean us and by us I mean the things we
agree on... a lot of things I guess. I mean everything...
I can't sleep at night because I'm so caught up in thinking about it all.
I'm contemplating my own mortality and the futility of everything at 16...
not for the first time either. Is that the hallmark of a sick mind or a
Or maybe a little of both?
But in any case I don't sleep and even if my psychology class is full of
shit, it's taught me one useful thing: "It's pointless to try to sleep when
you aren't sleepy." Sadly my parents fail to understand this.
The book for that class is so idiotic, by the way. Talks of "unacceptable
thoughts" and "inappropriate feelings," and what is more it completely
ignores any kind of romance other than "straight and closed and limited"
and outright attacks openness and the teacher brings up the whole stupid
waiting for the marshmallow experiment. And refers to laws as though they
are perfect. And so on. And so on. It reminds me of the dark ages a little
bit. Actually more than a little bit. Maybe 5.5/10.
Speaking of which, is there any way to force oneself to become gay?
I ask only because it seems that I hate every female I have had the
misfortune of meeting. While there are a few males that I can stand to be
around without wanting to go apeshit crazy and beat them into a pulp.
Only a few, but they exist.
Or am I going about this all wrong? That seems more likely.
So yesterday I read something about "scientists have proven we don't have
free will" and then today my english domesticator said "Challenging the
status quo is baaaaaaad" except more convincingly than that. And my mom is
in complete denial of the ills of the education system, which she believes
to be overtesting and underteaching. Which are problems, but if you strip
them away it doesn't improve very much, and she even says there is no
stigma attached to doing poorly in an "optional but encouraged" reading
program (which, from what she describes, sounds like people who have a hard
time reading are pressured into trying, but it is just a hey look at me
testing thing, it doesn't actually teach how to read). So I am in a
horrible, horrible mood.
A lot of people want me to think about my future. I don't. That's what got
me thinking about my own mortality (I estimate my life expectancy at maybe
ten more years if the stars align) and that's horrible and depressing and I
want no more of it. So I thought in different terms, what do I want now?
And I realized I want to help people. But not "help" people and not help
"people," if you know what I mean. Or rather I want people to be helped,
whoever actually does the helping, but there are so few doing so that I
feel it is my "duty" almost -- to myself or to the universe, not to any
artificial human authority.
But I also need to create. I have so many stories to tell and more fingers
to point than are attached to my hands and, maybe the most important of
all, more characters to invent. Yes, I have imaginary friends because I
can't make real ones; not the other way round. That may be the reason I
can't seem to finish a book; I end up falling in love with one of the
characters and making up more and more details for them until I can't write
any longer because it's like writing about a real person I actually know.
My characters seem more real than real people because they are more
interesting than real people. And less hateful and less stupid and just
that little bit vulnerable and weak that "real" people expend most of their
energy diverting attention from, and which makes them seem like robots. Do
I really have SUCH unrealistic expectations?
Based on my observations of humanity, I concede a whispered "yes."
So I need to pursue two unrelated, nearly mutually exclusive goals in terms
of time commitment... not want. Need. And it's tearing me apart.
whore - my partner also used to call herself that. she
picked it up from her dysfunctional culture. here is my
page on the idea of "attention seeking"
"every single time" - one of the toxic ways he has learned to communicate his feelings. I am sure he has heard this - probably from his parents when they were feeling disapproving, unaccepting, judgmental, critical etc. of him. Now he uses the same words, and feelings, on himself - as all children and teens learn to do in dysfunctional families.
notes to al - the first time i read this i thought u meant u fall in love with characters in books u read. now i see that it means the characters u create- true? that is more understandable and less worrying. so my worry level has gone done a bit - lets say to 2
what i would say if i were ur shrink is to actually list the things u love about the characters u create. then try to list your umet emotional needs from that.
i am going to reword that.. instead of sayng what i would say if i were ur shrink... i will say "what i would like to see u do or what would help me feel encouraged and influential is if u would...this makes it mpre honest, more about my unmet needs. and i would feel more motivated to keep reading ur mail, thinking about it talking about it with p and replying and posting it here. which i am afraid sounds like a threat that if u dont then all of those things won't happen. so i guessi will ask if u feel threatend or informed or appreciative of my honesty or just how u feel when u read that - which reminds me that im guessing ur shrink rarely either a) says things in an emotionally honest or even literate way or b) asks u how u feel about anything he said. but id like to know the actual way things go with him.
|command, negative prediction||i just put this here for now so i wont forget it - its not connected to u but to gui from brazil and my bike|
domesticator - al and i sometimes call teachers and other adults "domesticators" - i got the term "domesticated" from a popular book that i don't recommend enough to name - to be more specific it pains me to think of someone else reading it and being lured into the beliefs the author wants u to accept - beliefs which he implies came from some divine-type secret source. So anyhow, I have adapted the fist section of the book where he talks about how we are all domesticated because I liked a lot of what he said. But I felt a need to change some things before showing it to someone I cared about or really to anyone I hope to be a healthy influence on. Later I may post my adaptation.
|xx add link
alfie kohn coments on marshmallow - p says ask ur psych teacher and ur shrink if they know about alfie kohn and his criticism of the marshmallow test thing.
|10 if it's completely
7 if you use a made up name.
1 if it's my real name
|i had asked how ok he was with me posting his emails xx link for how ok|
A few more responses:*
hmm he never emailed me..*
Because I never asked him to!
but id like it if u list ur unmet emotional needs RE her and ur biological
that is something id like to post*
That will take longer than my brain is willing to give me right now. Remind
me if I haven't within a couple days.
hmm ok that sounds a bit worrying!
In* *a 'he's a perv' way or in a 'it's sad real people trample him' way? Or
something else that my closedmindedness has overlooked?
Regarding the textbook: It's just called "Psychology" and is published by
Prentice Hall. Picture of fish on the front, four are orange and one is
blue. No idea what the relation to the subject is.
"...the very first thing alcohol depresses is a person's inhibitions, or
the 'don'ts' of behavior. Inhibitions are all the social rules people have
learned that allow them to get along with others and function in society.
Inhibitions also keep people from taking off all their clothes and dancing on the table at a crowded bar -- inhibitions are a good thing."
Just found a discussion of how to punish people that is too long and sick
for me to copy and retain my sanity. Then it has a part that says
"drawbacks of punishment" but mostly focuses on why it isn't effective at
controlling people. It contains the sentence "Ask any parent or pet owner."
---- id like to see more of it... do u have
a scanner maybe, or the library? or a kinkos nearby?
--- how many people do u know who wash their hands before eating popcorn?
Defines what love is for
--- i guess it doesn't say unacceptable to who and how the person will feel if their 'behavior is unaccepted. for example might they feel personally unaccepted or rejected? and if so what would that tend to do to someone over time? i guess they didn't address any of that. nor did they mention, i assume, that what is unacceptable in one culture, family, school or classroom might be acceptable (by the person with the power to hurt u i mean of course) in another and it also might be totally healthy. but if it is healthy are u still "rationalizing" or are you making an attempt at being rational with an irrational person?
---- i cant read /comment anymore now..xx stopped here
15 Oct 2013
Subject: Everything you had asked for
(Which it turns out is only two things)
- they care about me not becoming their definition of
- one thing i will say is that i feel a bit hopeful that i am at least being what alice miller calls an xx link enlightened witness for al.