2 articles
see distract, obedience
Loraine O'Connell Orlando Sentinel
First of two parts
Surely you’ve known some - people who are smart, or at least moderately intelligent, yet never seem to be content, can’t seem to hold a job or hold on to a meaningful relationship.
Then there are the extreme cases we read about every day - the people who turn to drugs or booze to cope with their unhappiness, thereby making everyone in their lives unhappy; the people who kill each other over a traffic mishap or a pair of sneakers.
Why can’t they behave like the rest of us?
Because they haven’t been schooled …
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First of two parts
Surely you’ve known some - people who are smart, or at least moderately intelligent, yet never seem to be content, can’t seem to hold a job or hold on to a meaningful relationship.
Then there are the extreme cases we read about every day - the people who turn to drugs or booze to cope with their unhappiness, thereby making everyone in their lives unhappy; the people who kill each other over a traffic mishap or a pair of sneakers.
Why can’t they behave like the rest of us?
Because they haven’t been schooled in “emotional intelligence,” says Daniel Goleman, a New York Times reporter and author of a book by the same name.
Our IQ, or intelligence quotient, accounts for only about 20 percent of our success in life, leaving 80 percent to other factors, writes Goleman, who has combed the available research on how the brain and emotions interact.
A big chunk of those “other factors,” he says, can be characterized as emotional intelligence: “abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope.”
And all of those abilities can be learned, Goleman says. Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t these the very skills parents have been teaching their offspring for a few millennia now?
Yes, but times have changed, Goleman contends.
“The kind of general family and community interaction that kids used to have where they learned a lot of these things don’t happen the way they used to,” he said in an interview.
“It’s social and economic forces. Parents are strapped, pressed to make ends meet. A lot of them have three or four jobs. More and more kids spend more and more time alone in front of TV, playing video games, online, in the mall, waiting for Mom and Dad to come home.”
The upshot?
Kids who are “more aggressive, more lonely and anxious, more disobedient and impulsive, more likely to act before thinking and to destroy property,” he says, quoting the results of a national study that compared teachers’ and parents’ assessments of kids in the mid-1970s and in the late ‘80s.
Nevertheless, even as adults, we can learn to control our anger, soothe our anxiety, short-circuit our melancholy moods, choose alternatives to violence, see another person’s point of view, and communicate productively with our spouses, colleagues and kids.
Many adults who never got the chance to develop their emotional tools are getting it now in therapists’ offices.
In “Emotional Intelligence” (Bantam, $23.95), Goleman offers advice - based on research - for getting along better with your spouse; developing the optimism and hopefulness that can help you be healthier; controlling your unpleasant emotions; and developing empathy. He also includes techniques for “coaching” your children in these skills.
Obviously, the best time to absorb these skills is in childhood, and Goleman says schools have to take up the slack being left by parents who are either too busy, too indifferent or too lacking in these skills themselves.
In his book, he points to only half a dozen programs nationwide that are really addressing what he calls “emotional competences.”
Most public school systems are tackling these skills in a helter-skelter approach.
For instance, many programs having to do with self-control and self-respect are aimed at kids at risk for dropping out.
Then there are the curricula geared to helping kids discover and develop their particular talents, in line with the theory of “multiple intelligences” championed by psychologist Howard Gardner.
In his 1983 book, “Frames of Mind,” Gardner disdained the view of “intelligence” as strictly the logical-mathematical and linguistic skills measured on IQ tests. He suggested that “intelligence” incorporates many different talents - musical, bodily kinesthetic (sports, dance, hand-craftsmanship) and interpersonal-intrapersonal, for instance.
Goleman’s focus, of course, is on the interpersonal skills - the ability to understand other people and relate to them effectively - and the “intrapersonal” skills - the insight to “know thyself.”
These are the most needed tools in everyday life, he says, and every child should be encouraged to develop them to whatever degree is possible for that child.
Next week: Soothing anger and worry.
MEMO: 2 Sidebars appeared with story: 1. Coping with melancholy Stop ruminating. Dwelling on what’s making you sad only intensifies the emotion. Instead, challenge the thoughts at the center of your ruminating: How realistic are they? What can be gained by focusing on them at this point in your life? Replace them with positive thoughts and images. (“I did the best I could under the circumstances” instead of “I really messed up big time.”) Schedule pleasant, distracting activities that will shift your mood - an exciting sports event, a funny movie, an uplifting book. If you don’t exercise regularly, start now. Depression is a low-arousal state, and aerobic exercise pitches the body into a high-arousal state. Create a small triumph or easy success for yourself: Tackle some long-delayed chore around the house. Take a different perspective. For instance, if you’ve just broken up with a lover, wallowing in self-pitying thoughts such as “I’ll always be alone” will thicken your despair. Instead, think about the ways the relationship wasn’t so great, the ways you and your ex were mismatched. Seeing the loss differently, in a more positive light, is an antidote to sadness. Help somebody else in need. Volunteer for something. Source: “Emotional Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman. Orlando Sentinel
2. Cooling your anger Become aware of cynical or hostile thoughts as they arise and short-circuit them by substituting reasonable thoughts. For instance, if the elevator is delayed, search for a benign reason - a mechanical glitch? - instead of working up a rage against some imaginary thoughtless lug as the culprit. Monitor the physical sensations that accompany your anger - such as tensed muscles - and use them as your cue to stop and consider your next response rather than striking out impulsively. Get away by yourself for a while - go for a long walk or do some exercise. High levels of physiological activation cause the body to rebound to a low level of arousal. Practice relaxation methods such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation. Seek distraction from your angry thoughts: Watch TV, see a movie, read a book. Avoid activities such as shopping or eating because they allow you to continue your angry thoughts. Avoid venting your anger on the person who provoked it. That “catharsis” will only leave you even angrier. Instead, cool down. Then, in a constructive but assertive manner, confront the person and settle the dispute. Source: “Emotional Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman. Orlando Sentinel
2 Sidebars appeared with story: 1. Coping with melancholy Stop ruminating. Dwelling on what’s making you sad only intensifies the emotion. Instead, challenge the thoughts at the center of your ruminating: How realistic are they? What can be gained by focusing on them at this point in your life? Replace them with positive thoughts and images. (“I did the best I could under the circumstances” instead of “I really messed up big time.”) Schedule pleasant, distracting activities that will shift your mood - an exciting sports event, a funny movie, an uplifting book. If you don’t exercise regularly, start now. Depression is a low-arousal state, and aerobic exercise pitches the body into a high-arousal state. Create a small triumph or easy success for yourself: Tackle some long-delayed chore around the house. Take a different perspective. For instance, if you’ve just broken up with a lover, wallowing in self-pitying thoughts such as “I’ll always be alone” will thicken your despair. Instead, think about the ways the relationship wasn’t so great, the ways you and your ex were mismatched. Seeing the loss differently, in a more positive light, is an antidote to sadness. Help somebody else in need. Volunteer for something. Source: “Emotional Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman. Orlando Sentinel
2. Cooling your anger Become aware of cynical or hostile thoughts as they arise and short-circuit them by substituting reasonable thoughts. For instance, if the elevator is delayed, search for a benign reason - a mechanical glitch? - instead of working up a rage against some imaginary thoughtless lug as the culprit. Monitor the physical sensations that accompany your anger - such as tensed muscles - and use them as your cue to stop and consider your next response rather than striking out impulsively. Get away by yourself for a while - go for a long walk or do some exercise. High levels of physiological activation cause the body to rebound to a low level of arousal. Practice relaxation methods such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation. Seek distraction from your angry thoughts: Watch TV, see a movie, read a book. Avoid activities such as shopping or eating because they allow you to continue your angry thoughts. Avoid venting your anger on the person who provoked it. That “catharsis” will only leave you even angrier. Instead, cool down. Then, in a constructive but assertive manner, confront the person and settle the dispute. Source: “Emotional Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman. Orlando Sentinel
November 9, 1995 - Updated: July 15, 9:29 p.m.
Last week author Daniel Goleman described the importance of what he calls “emotional intelligence.” In this, the second of two parts on the subject, Goleman offers advice on using your emotional intelligence to soothe anxiety and worry and to deal with other concerns.
Anxiety and worry
Learn to stop your worry-anxiety cycle early on. Identify the situations that trigger worry for you; recognize the fleeting thoughts and images that initiate worry as well as the physical sensations of anxiety. Self-awareness will enable you to use relaxation methods at the first sign of worry.
Challenge your worrisome thoughts: Is it probably that the dreaded event will occur? Is it really the case that there is no alternative to letting it occur? Are there constructive steps you could take? Does it really help to run through these same anxious thoughts over and over?
Consider medication if your anxiety has blossomed into phobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder or panic disorder.
Conflict with your spouse:
Men:
Recognize that when your wife brings up a grievance, she may be doing it to keep the relationship healthy. Don’t automatically sidestep conflict.
Avoid short-circuiting the discussion by offering a solution too early on. It’s important for a woman to feel her husband hears her complaint and empathizes with her feelings, even if he doesn’t agree with her.
Women:
Explain what your husband did that is distressing; avoid criticizing or attacking him personally or expressing contempt.
Reassure him of your love even as you present your grievance.
Both:
Monitor your physical sensations of anxiety and anger. If your pulse is climbing, take a 20-minute break from each other to cool down before resuming a discussion.
Make an agreement that allows either one of you to call for a timeout at the first signs of “flooding,” or out-of-control feelings that can swamp you when confronted by your partner’s negativity and your own reaction to it.
Practice non-defensive listening and speaking. As a listener, don’t immediately rebut your spouse’s complaints. Instead, try “mirroring” them back, restating what your spouse just said to make sure you’re hearing it correctly. As a speaker, use the “XYZ” approach: “When you did X, it made me feel Y, and I’d rather you did Z instead.”
Let your partner know that you can see things from his or her perspective and that view may have validity, even if you don’t agree with it.
Apologize when you see that you’re in the wrong.
Challenge the self-talk that can crop up in moments of distress. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, “He doesn’t care about my needs - he’s always so selfish,” remind yourself of the recent things your husband has done that were thoughtful.
Giving and receiving criticism:
Giving:
Be specific. Say what the person did well, what was done poorly and how it can be changed. Avoid personal attacks.
Offer a solution.
Give the criticism face to face rather than in memo form or by some other means.
Be sensitive. Recognize the impact of what you say and how you say it.
Receiving:
See the criticism as valuable information about how to do better, not as a personal attack.
Take responsibility instead of becoming defensive.
If you become upset, ask to resume the meeting later, after you’ve had time to absorb the message and cool down.
Developing empathy in children:
Model empathy in your adult relationships.
When disciplining kids, call attention to the distress their misbehavior caused someone else.
Take seriously the entire range of emotions your child expresses, neither ignoring them nor bribing the child out of expressing the emotions.
Model a variety of emotions for your child.
Improving impulse control in children:
Talk to your children about their feelings and how to understand them.
Avoid criticizing and judging their emotions.
Practice problem-solving about emotional predicaments: Coach them on alternatives to hitting when angry, alternatives to withdrawing when sad.
Encouraging kids to overcome timidity:
Avoid overprotecting these children. They do better when they learn to cope with upsetting moments, to calm themselves and so adapt to life’s small struggles.
Set firm limits. By insisting on obedience, you confront timid kids with mild uncertainty. The repetition of this challenge gives them continual rehearsals, in small doses, for meeting the unexpected in life. For fearful children, this is exactly the encounter that must be mastered.
Coaching unpopular kids on friendship:
Teach children to think of alternative suggestions and compromises rather than fighting if they disagree about the rules of a game Encourage them to ask questions about the other children while they play and to listen and look at the other kids.
Remind them to say something nice when another child does well.
Remind them to smile and offer help or suggestions and encouragement.
MEMO: Excepted from “Emotional Intelligence” (Bantam, $23.95) by Daniel Goleman.<