Today I thought about this some more. When she said it I wanted to tell her how I felt about her saying that. I am not finding the words I want now but it was some kind of painful reaction.

In my 1996 book I dedicated it to everyone who is told they think too much and are too sensitive.

This morning I had the thought that the problem is not that she thinks too much. The problem is that she is in an environment where people don't value her thoughts... or her feelings. She is not encouraged to think. She is not encouraged to question. She does not receive approval when she thinks, feels, questions, expresses herself.

It seems somehow like being lost in a desert and dying of thirst. And the desert tells you that you have a problem, and there is something wrong witn you because you are too thirsty or you need too much water.

The desert says this because in reality it feels inadequate to meet your needs but for one reason or another, it doesn't tell you this. Maybe it doesn't know how it feels. Maybe it does on some subconscious level and it feels guilty and defensive. Or maybe it needs something from you, as a parent needs a child or a teen to help it clean the house or wash the dishes or provide emotional support, or even be the source of sexual satisfaction. Nowadays, most of us would agree that it is wrong for to use his own daughter to fill his sexual urges. It follows then that it would also be wrong, and damaging to the daughter's mental and emotional health, if he told her"You have a problem. You think too much and are too sensitive" when she expresses pajn or confusion about him using her in this way.

Yet most people I know don't find it equally wrong or unacceptable that a parent say to their daughter, "You have a problem. There is something wrong with you. You are too sensitive and think too much" when their daughter expresses her pain and confusion, or who wants help clarifying things in her mind when they don't make sense.

In my experience, there are a lot of things which don't make sense to an intelligent, sensitive child or teenager. There is so much lying, so much hypocrisiy, so much propaganda. It is confusing to anyone who thinks and feels deeply. Such people need, I might even say desperately need at times, someone there for them who is there "englightened witness" to tell them, "Yes, you are right. Things are confusing, People lie. They mislead us. They use us. They confuse us. I understand how you feel. It is good that you are aware. I feel bad that you are in pain, yet encouraged that you are thinking and feeling. I would like to help you sort through all of your thoughts and feelings. How's that sound to you?"

It is my guess that this person who I was talking to has never had someone say something like that to her. So I say it now. I would like to help you sort through all of your thoughts and feelings. They have value. You have value. Even if no one else has ever valued you and your thoughts and feelings before, I want to help you feel valued by taking time now, really listening to you, trying to understand. Then maybe you will begin to value your own thoughts and feelings, and never say to yourself, "I think too much and I am too sensitive for my own good." If you start to have those thoughts, please remind yourself you are an intelligent, sensitive human being, who has been trying to survive in an emotional desert full of toxic fumes and poisonous plants in the form of lies, manipulation, control, abuse, and neglect.