It feels good

It feels good...

I was just working on my photojournal about Alonso and San Telmo. I realized I was feeling more good about working on it. So I decided to make this little list. It wasn't so long ago I made a list of things that hurt. But tonight I am in a better mood, so here goes.

- It feels good to help people.

- If feels good to see my ideas come to life.

- It feels good to know people care about me.

I'll stop there because those are the only things which come to mind right now. I have been feelnig more depressed and discouraged than anything else for a long time, so things won't just change completely from one day to the next. If Paola were to not come tomorrow, or were to tell me she couldn't want to work for me or she had changed her mind or something, I would feel depressed and discouraged again. Actually just really discouraged which is = depressed. But the most painful feeling, the most debilitating, draining feeling, toxic/deadly feeling is feeling discouraged. For example, I have been feeling lonely, but if I feel encouraged that almost soothes the pain of lonliness.

So anyhow, I will give you a summary of why I feel a little better tonight, more encouraged. More peaceful. One thing, the biggest one, is that Paola came today. I have been talking to her for over a month via email about working for me. She has been in Norway. I was afraid something wouldn't work out, but she did come today. And we got along pretty well. It is too early to make predictions, but today was a good start. She seems to be a very quiet, sensitive person. We walked around the Boca area of Buenos Aires visiting food kitchens and a school. In the school we were received warmly and the English teacher said quickly she really liked my idea. She gave me her email and home phone number. It is refreshing to see someone who is so trusting. That kind of thing, I feel very sad to say, would be almost unthought of in the part of the world I was hurt in. I could also say abused or poisoned in. I am talking about the USA, in case you have any doubt. Right now, by the way I feel more sad acceptance than bitterness. But it is changing now to just pure sadness, as tears start to come to my eyes. But I am bouyed up by my positive feelings from the list above. I will repeat them again for my own medicine. It feels good to help people (this is something I have known for a long time), it feels good to see my ideas come to life (I haven't seen many if them come to live, not enough anyhow to keep me from feeling suicidal so many times lately), it feels good to know people care about me. I don't feel really cared about by a lot of people. I'd like to feel more cared about by more people, to help feel the emptyness inside, to help meet my unmet emotional needs, and to basically help ease my pain, but I do feel cared about by a few people. I debate now whether to list a few names and decide to do it...I am going to list them in alphabetical order to maybe avoid someone feeling less important than someone else. Aggie, Britanny, Cara, Crystal, Gina, Laura, Loo, Paige. So a special thank you to each one.

So, where was I?

I guess I'll say that for a long time I have wanted to be more influential. I want to touch more lives, change more of what hurts me to see in the world. Leave more of an impact, teach more people, help more people avoid the suffering I have expreienced and I have seen people I care about going through. Some of the people who are suffering from emotional pain won't make it through though. Some will take their lives. I know why they are suffering so much and why they are in so much pain and I want to tell as many people as I can. It is part of the reason I go on living. I know that I could take my own life. I've thought about it many times. I probably will one day, as I've said before I don't like the idea of dying from old age, or cancer or something.

My idea

This is an idea I have had for a long time. Basically it is to get backackers inside schools so kids can talk to them. Everytime I have visited a school the kids and teens have enjoyed it. And usually it is the first time they have ever had a foreign person visit their classroom. I can't really explain how excited they get. Well, I could try but it is better to let you experience it yourself if you have the good fortune to do it one day, or if you do it through intention, let's say, rather than attributing it to "fortune" or luck. That's just one of those expressions so many of us repeat without thought.