Emotional Intelligence | Main Page on Parenting

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How Do You Want Your Children to Feel?

Introduction

Today I did a search on these words. The first thing I found was a discussion board where a young mother was asking people whether they thought she should follow the advice of her mother. One person wrote this

How do you want your children to feel? If you want them to feel how you did growing up then listen to her.

This is a very interesting and helpful way to look at it. One comment though, is that a person must be able to remember how they felt, and I mean specifidally, for this to work well. That also requires that they were aware of their specific feelings when they were living in their mother's house and, we can assume, following her rules.

For example, did the young mother feel understood by her own mother? Did she feel accepted? Did she feel judged? Did she ever feel punished or disapproved of or threatened? Did she feel valued by her own mother? Did she feel important to her mother? If so, how did her mother achieve that? What did her mother do, specifically, which created her feelings as she was growing up? Reflecting on this will be most helpful in raising her own children.

Something else to point out is that the replies she recieved to her question make it clear that many people are confusing "listening" to someone's advice, vs. following it. Some people did say to listen but then make up her own mind. One person, in fact, said something like listen to your mother's advice, but also listen to your inner voice. This confusion between listening to someone and doing what they want, for example, following their advice or "obeying them" is discussed more on our pages on listening and respect.

To help you identify specific feelings, here is a list of human emotional needs and a list of common negative feelings