How long....

Emotional Intelligence | Main page on Invalidation

How long...?
(and how to be more helpful)

Recently I felt very depressed about something. I called someone I knew. We met and she sat down next to me. I started telling her how sad I was. Before I was even finished explaining why it hurt so much, she said "Maybe it isn't that bad..." Then she started talking. Ever since then I have been afraid to tell her things. I know that she was trying to be helpful. But that didn't help me. In fact, I felt more alone, less understood, more afraid to share my feelings.

I know that she is a very sensitive person. She doesn't want me to feel pain. So she was trying to talk me out of my pain. She wanted it to go away quickly. But we each have a natural healing period. No one can know how long is long enough for us to feel sadness or anything else. If someone were to die, how long "should" we feel sad? Obviously the length of time will depend on many things. It is highly offensive to me to have someone try to tell me how long I "should" feel sad about something.

This particular person who said "Maybe it isn't that bad" is a mother. As a mother, she doesn't want her daughter to suffer. So I am sure she tries the same approach with her daughter. But this doesn't really help a child or a teenager. For one thing, they learn that they can't come to you with an emotional problem, because you try to "solve" the problem too quickly, instead of just listening, or asking helpful questions which show you care and empathize (which I believe are actually more important than showing you are trying to help or understand).

In my example of that day, the problem was that a director of an organization had suddenly cancelled a project I had started with her institution. I have been thinking more about how unhelpful my friend was the day I told her and how she could have been more helpful. I had a similar problem with another person I knew about a week earlier. I was feeling discouraged about the project because the director had cancelled one meeting. I told this person, who I have called the invalidating university student, that I felt discouraged and I started to tell her why. Then this person interrupted me and started telling me that what I was afraid of probably was not the actual case. The more she talked, the more she convinced herself she was right, and the more alone I felt. She ended by saying, "I am sure that is not going to happen... so don't worry about it."

Today I have been thinking about everything that happened and what would have been more helpful, going back to the day I told the university student that I felt discouraged. What I told her was that I was afraid that there might be some other organizations who would convince the director to cancel the project. This is when the student interrupted me, ending with her conclusion that it wouldn't happen and therefore I shouldn't worry about it.

In reality, my fear is exactly what did happen. The director said that there were other "controlling organizations", probably from the national or local government level, that didn't support the project. Had my friend been a better listener the day I told her I felt discouraged the conversation could have gone something like this. By the way, I am in Bulgaria now and speak nothing of the language, so the university student was acting as my translator in the meetings with the director.

Me: "I am afraid that someone else from another organization could convince her to cancel the project."

Her: "Oh, I see. Would you like me to ask the director if she is the one who has the power to make the decisions or if there are other organizations or people above her?"

Looking back, if my translator had said something like that, I would probably have said "Yes, let's find about that so if we need to talk to other people we can do that."

By the way, I won't even show this to the university student who was translating for me. I have already learned she is very insecure, very invalidating and gets defensive very easily. I just really hope that this story helps someone else. I don't think I will ever be able to continue the project at that organization, and without telling you the details, it is a very big, very painful loss for me. It was giving me the chance to do many of the things I love to do, such as help people, spend time with young people, teach young people, and put some of my ideas into practice. It hurts me so much to lose the chance to continue my project that I have not been able to even walk near that building for over a week now. It hurts so much that I am thinking of leaving this city and, in fact, the country. It hurts so much I can't even write about it anymore.

S. Hein
March 4, 2008
Veliko Tarnovo, Bulgaria