Invalidation Story

Melissa and Her mother

Written by S. Hein, 2007

--

Today I was talking to a 26 year old girl named Melissa. Melissa told me she had lunch with her mother the other day. Melissa has never met her father and it has been bothering her for years.

Melissa asked her mother why the mother had three children with men who were not responsible enough to be fathers. Melissa also asked her why the mother lied on her birth certificate, saying Melissa had been born in one place when actually she was born in another. Melissa was just trying to make some sense of her life, as many girls from dysfunctional families do.

The mother, though, laughed at Melissa's questions, saying that was a long time ago and there was no reason to be talking about it now. Melissa said when she saw her mother laughing at her she wanted to reach across the table and hit her as hard as she could.

Melissa drinks, smokes, has used drugs and has thought of killing herself. And none of this is because of her lack of emotional intelligence, as Mayer and Salovey mistakenly suggest. In fact, Melissa is intelligent and sensitive. She reads people quickly. Yet she is emotionally unskilled and emotionally needy. She has learned to be verbally hurtful when she feels hurt.

Melissa is another example of someone who is by nature emotionally intelligent, but not according to the prevailing definitions. I explained to Melissa what invalidation was and told her it was psychological abuse and she quickly agreed.

Melissa's emotionally abusive mother makes me think of a screening program I heard about for teens USA which supposedly was going to screen all teens for depression. And it makes me wonder what would happen if we screened the teenagers for invalidating parents and teachers. I also wonder how much money the drug companies could make if they could market a drug which made parents and teachers learn what invalidation is and become better listeners and more emotionally supportive.

Melissa in her room.

-

Note - Melissa's picture is posted only because she lives in a non-English speaking country and it is very unlikely her mother or anyone who knows her will ever find this page. It is with much sadness that I look at the picture and remember how hurt Melissa was by her mother, buth as a child, and later as an adult who wanted answers to her questions. I will probably never see Melissa again, but I don't want to forget her and the sad story of her life.- S Hein

EQI.org Home Page

Core Components of EQI.org

Other EQI.org Topics:

Emotional Intelligence | Empathy
Emotional Abuse | Understanding
Emotional Literacy | Feeling Words
Respect | Parenting | Caring
Listening | Invalidation | Hugs
Depression |Education
Personal Growth

Search EQI.org | Support EQI.org

EQI.org Library and Bookstore

Online Consulting, Counseling Coaching from EQI.org