I am not a criminal. 3/28/2003
I had a "meeting" a couple days ago with somebody
assigned by the court. (after the last incident when I left.) I'm
not sure if he was a probabtion officer or not. I never really
got a title. He just said,"I'm assigned to your case."
He was really rude and snotty. Actyally, he reminded me of my
father a bit.
The first thing he says is,"I'm not going to treat you like
a criminal, if you treat me with respect."
What the F*ck. I am not a f*cking criminal. Maybe he deals with a
lot of criminals, but, I am not one.
He also mentions that in my file, it says that I had been in
******** for shoplifting. He was very rude about it. "Is
that a problem with you? Do you have a compultion or a strong
need to steal?" he asked me.
What the F*CK. I am not a criminal. He has no idea why I
"stole." If he had, he might have looked at me
differently. Also, if he studied my case more, he would have
realized that the only reason I was placed in ******* was because
they didn't have any place else to put me. Group homes, foster
homes are hard to get into sometimes, and, with that
"criminal" offence of shop lifting, they thought,
"Hey, we can just put her in here until something else comes
along."
So, whatever. I feel so ashamed when people find out that I was
"juvi." They don't know anything about me. I'm not a
bad person. I don't get into trouble.
He started asking me more things making me sound like I am some
crazy person or a criminal. "Why aren't you in school? I
talked to your former principal, and she siad you got into a
fight. THen, your Aunt pulled you out for homeschooling."
Yes, I got into a fight. But, again, he knows nothing about what
happened with that girl. She was pushing me around and I was
defending myself. It makes me a criminal. He was turning all
these situations around, and making me look like I should be
locked up or something...like I was a danger to society.
He asked if I wanted to run away again. He asked me why I ran
away in the first place. I siad that I "didn't know."
and he rolled his eyes at me. That little pric. F*ck him.
Before he left, he said that he would be on my cse and be
checking in often. He said that if I "Should leave without
telling anybody again," I could be removed from my AUnt's
and placed in either a group home or back to *******.
What did I do wrong. I am almost crying now. Actually, tears are
rolling down my cheeks a bit at the very thought of going back
there. I feel so ashamed, even though I know I am not a bad
person.
I hate my father. I hate my mother. I wouldn't be in this mess if
it wasn't for them...
I would have had ran away. Therefor, wouldn't have stolen,
thefeofr, wouldn't have been in ****** in the first place.
I am not a bad person. I really am not. THe few illegal things
I"ve done in my life I have done for a reason. Even when I
***********.
My Aunt asked how it went. I couldn't tell her the truth.
I feel so ashamed. Why isn't anyone punishing my father. He
didn't get jack sh*t. He didn't get in trouble hardly at all, and
here I am, being treated like a criminal or a deliquent. I hate
the F*cker.
Kali
I am changing my name. Is that hard. I want a new name so that I
can be a new person...maybe, with a new name, I can make a new
record. Will that work?
If anybody has an idea of a name,let me know.
shame 3/31/2003
Things are okay. STill no more word for mom. I've been having
trouble sleeping again since she last calledif she would ever get
back together with "dad." . Over in my head, I keep
going over what I would say to her if I see or talk to her again.
Would she feel sympathy or guilt? Or, would she feel resentful
and ashamed. I wonder wonder if she knows. How could she not?
Then again, I doubt she does. I hate unanswered questions.
My AUnt doesn'te ven know everything. SHe knows about dad, but,
not really about his friends, or, to the extent that dad hurt me.
she doesn't know the whole truth, and, why tell her? why tell
anybody?
I wont tell my counsoler either. WHy keep on bringing up the
past?
My counsolor asked me how I felt about my mom calling. I said
that I didn't know.
she asked me if I was angry at my mom.
I said that I didn't know.
SHe asked me if I thought my mom knew.
I didn't asnwer.
She asked how I was feeling when she asked that question.
I walked out of her office and went into the bathroom. I went to
the mirror and just stared at myself, hating myself and telling
myself that she was making fun of me...my face was sort of
turning red, humilitated to even look into my own face. shamed to
even see myself and what my body is. ashamed that people think i
am pretty, ashamed of what i've done, ashamed to be looking at my
self in the mirror, ashamed at seeing myself and knowing what i
did.
it's so hard sometimes.
then i felt like such a fool for walking out, that, i was scared
to use that bathroom. scared that she would ask why i walked out.
was in the bathroom for several minuets when she knocked on the
door to ask if i was okay. i said yes, that i just had to go to
the bathroom really bad.
ashamed of saying the word "bathroom"
i came out. i knew my face must be burning red because i felt it.
my dad once said that when your face turns red in shame, it
because you know that you've done something wrong.
have i?
everybody says that i haven't. says that i was powerless, young.
but, the fact is, i stopped yelling. i didn't try to tell, id
stopped saying no, i knew it was wrong but...
i can't even say the rest. it is to shaming. even as i wriote
this my face is burning red. guilt or shame or neither?
i don't know why i write it here. i guess because i need to tell
somebody, but, saying this stuff to a person only causes my face
to turn red and i can't.
if he did do something wrong, then why didn't he get in trouble,
and why am i the one getting in trouble.
i don't know who to believe.
them, him, me.
Kali...i told my aunt that i wanted to change my name, and she
siad,"It's not that easy."
WHy not?
xxxxxx
living in the moment and doing great! 7/2/2003
Wow...it's been a long time since I've written in here.
I've been on vacation with My Aunt. Haha, I am using someone
elses computer right now.
I have been having lots of fun...meeting family I didn't know
that I had.
Most of my family is great, but, a couple of them seem to not
like me...they probably think I'm white trash or something
because of my parents.
I don't care. Whatever. My Aunt tells me to just ignore them,
but, it does hurt. It really does.
Just think. A year ago...I had no one and no place...
Now, I'm hearing...having a great time...with family????
Wow.
I am happy. For now. I hope things keep going good.
Oh, and remember that cool counsolor I wrote about. She agreed to
tutor me...she agreed to do it privaly and have my aunt pay a
small amount...not even a lot. She was so cool. different.
Sometiems, we would just talk and hang out durring are
"classes" if you want to call them that...
And, sh e lets me learn what I want...yeah, she has to cover
certain things but it doensn't take upall the time.
Things are looking up for me.
I am beggining to just forget about the past, my mom and father.
WHy fret over them when I am doing so well now. Isn't NOW what
counts most???
Kali
update...doing well 5/31/2003
Doing better now that school is out. I felt like blowing my
brains out for awhile, but, I feel better now that my AUnt
promises that she will find a way so that I don't have to go back
there next semester. Yay. She says that if she has to, she will
sell one of her old cars that she doens't use anymore inorder to
pay for a tutor. THat woudl make me feel bad if she has to do
that, but, she insists. She said, though, that she might be able
to afford it without selling the car anyhow.
SOmetimes I feel like such a big expense. It's amazing. She is
guidence counsolor, yet, is not paid nearly well enough. No,
she's not poor. But, she doesn't have nearly the amount of money
she works for. haha, she has to deal with winey teenage brats
like me ALL day. She likes her job, though...well, she says she
doens't like doing schedualing much, but, hey, can't have it all.
We're planning a little trip over the summer. (We're staying away
from Toronto!!!) Haha, we are going to go out to New York City
and maybe to Disney World with some cousins that I didn't even
know I have!!!!!! Haha, that's exciting. I've never really been
anywhere! Also, it will be interesting to find out what my
cousins are like. One of them is only a year older than me. I
hope she's nice. And I hope she hasn't heard a lot about me. I
feel like the "black sheep" sometimes.
Oh, and I am done with those meetings with that pric. I finallyl
told my AUnt abouit what he was saying. I would hope he woudl get
fired, but no. THey just decided to change my case to someone
else. Now, I have this nice woman who actually treats me like a
person. Actually, she acts moe like a counsolor and she tells me
that it was completely rediculous what the other guys said. She
said there was no way they would remove me from my Aunts...only
if I show signs of harming myself or someone else she said. I
felt so confortable with her. MOre confortable than any one
else...haha, maybe even my aunt. I told her all about my fahter.
It was the first time I really talked about it. I told hera bout
my mom, dare, and my aunt. she says that i should only have to
meet with her maybe until the end of the summer and then will
probably be "clean." Haha, how cool is this. She said
that if I felt like running away or something, I coudl call and
talk to her, and she wouldn't try to report me. She also gave me
some addresses and phone numbers around montreal of places I
could go if I "suddenly felt the urge to leave."
I asked her why and she said that if I was determined to run
again, i would no matter what anybody said and sh e said she
would rather have me be in a safe place than on the street corner
sleeping.
I really like her!!! Haha, I woudl love to keep seeing her even
after the summber, but, i think i would have to get in trouble to
have that happeneed!
Anyway, I have to get ready to go. Aunt and I arew going to go
rent some movies and do nothing all day. OH, and go to the
library to return all the books I have and maybe get some more.
My AUnt called me a "Book worm" I thought that was
funny. It's funt o loose yourself in books,t hough. It's a great
way to escape everything you are feeling and thinking. and, i
don't like tv much.
Kali
Back to public school...miserable and depresse 5/14/2003
can't sleep again. my aunt would kill me if she new i was on
the net this late, but oh well.
so much has been going on lately. i'm now back in public school,
which, i hate more than anything!
i had such a cool tutor, too. what happened, is, the school
refused to pay her. my aunt can't really afford it this year. the
school said that my aunt can't homeschool me because i can't be
left home alone all day of some bs like that and they tried to
call child protective services on my aunt because she was leaving
me along durring the day. that damn as shole guy, whos like my
probatin officer, told the school and cps. it makes me mad.
so now, because i don't have anywhere else to go durring the day,
i have to go to school. i hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm so
depressed and miserable and want to cry all the time. luckily,
the years almost done, though.
the principal keeps telling me that i have too "keep in
line." He says that he "knows about my history and wont
put up with it." he doesn't even know me.
i hate it there. i think i am going to be sick tomorrow so i
don't have to go.
why can't I be home alone, anyway? I took care of myself for
years. My aunt says next year she will "work it out" so
I don't have to go back, but,r ight now, her hands are legallyl
tied if she wants to keep me.
If I don't go, mr. as*hole said he could take me out of my aunts.
life sucks sometimes. sometimes,i think, i was happier living on
my old...even if it was cold sometimes and hungry...
I know what i'll do. Since the people at school think I am
"so bad" already, I will go to school. I was cause
troubel and get suspended. lol. yeah. i'll be what they think i
am anyway.
i hate this.
i don't know what to do. now, on top of everything, i'm scared to
make a wrong move for fear of being placed in some foster home or
group home and away from my aunt.
Sorry 5/2/2003
im alive. Having some problems, but, I am okay. Been to busy
with appointments, ect, to go online much. Miss writing in here.
I'll try to catch up on what's been going on later.
Gotta go. Aunt and I are going to catch a movie and get something
to eat.
Kali
a cool tutor! 4/12/2003
reading some of the books that steve suggested. They are very
informitive. Interesting. Some of the parts are a bit hard to
understand, but, once I re-read them a few times, they make much
more sence. Be easy on me, I haven't had the chance to do much
reading until now. a Tutor ( my Aunt hired one to come in a
couple times a week, the days my AUnt can't do it ) says she
can't believe how far along I am and haven't been in school for
as long as I haven't. I still feel like I am behind with
people...then again...ahead in some ways. Anyway, she is pretty
cool. SHe isn't that old. SHe can't be more than 25. Probably
younger. The first day she was here, she intimidated me by making
me think there was going to be so much work. But, the second time
she came, we basically talked the entire time! Im not kidding!
lol, the last 15 minuets of our "time" she
said,"okay, lets get to work." I enjoy her company,
though. I can talk to her, but, I can talk about
"Light" things. LIke, dumb stuff that teenagers would
normally talk about. I hate to always talk about serious stuff,
and when people want to talk to me, that's all they ever want to
talk about.
I showed her the books I was reading and she loved the selection,
---to UNDERSTANDINGABUSE
I have to meet with that jerk again next week. I really don't
want to see him again. He made me feel like a complete criminal,
loser the last time I had a "MEETING" with him. I still
havne't told my Aunt the things that he said, but, if hes still a
jerk this time, I might. He's court appointed, though so there
might not be alot that my aunt can do to help me.I serioulsy
don't understand why IH ave to meet with him anyway. What have I
done that is really THAT wrong? Who knows.
Well, that's about all for now. Gotta run.
P.s Wait, the WIERDEST THING Happened earlier today. I was at the
mall wiith my Aunt when this woman approached me. SHe was just
sort of looking at me for a few minuets and then she gave me
"her" card. SHe asked me if I ever though tof getting
into modaling. I just sort of laughed. I guess I have a warped
view of my "image." SHe said that if I ever wanted to
make some money, to call her and she could find some work for me.
I'm not going to do it, though. It was a nice complement, but, I
woudl be way to self concious to do somethinglike that and to
think of a bunch of people looking at my body. It was strange,
though, that she just approached me like that out of no
where!!!!!
Time for bed.
Kali
nothing much 4/1/2003
I don't know why, but I am SO tired today. I did get up until
about 10 AM...I ate, did a little "homework", then, I
took a three hour nap! I got up, ate lunch, read for a little
while. Now, I am still so tired. I am abnormally tired today!
Yawn. I feel bad because I didn't even take destiny out for a
walk today, and normally I love takeing walks with her to the
park.Oh well.
I can't believe it is already April. I can't believe how far I
have come since last time this year. Where was I this time this
year? I'm lucky.
I hear my Aunt calling me. I have to go.
lol, I Had the best spagetti I have ever had today. My Aunt made
it. I don't know what she did, but, that too, was abnormally
good! lol...
Kali
guitar 7/12/2003
I've been into my guitar lately...throwing myself at it. I am
trying to write another song.
I have been inspired by Tori Amos lately. Not only does she have
an amazing voice...does cover's of Kurt Cobains "Teen
Spirit," But, she is also founder of R.A.I.N.
Her music is amazing.
should I join a band? I am getting really good at guitar. Better
htan I thought I coudl ever be!
I am thinking of going to old montreal and playing there. I've
seen people playing out there...maybe I can see a few old friends
too. They are probably wondering what happened to me!
lalalalla.
music is saving my life here. I don't know what I would do
without it.
My Aunt says I should go to a music school. SHe thinks I am that
good. I"m not sure. I think I am okay, but, she always seems
to think more of me than myself.
anyway, gotta go.
---if anybody out there happens to know about any openings for a
guitar player in the montreal area, let me know? my email is
kalilane2000@yahoo.com
I will do some looking myself probably.
missing 7/12/2003
i just emailed someone from tod. he seems sad
Im feeling kind of sad tonight.
mostly missing people.
miss my mom...lol, why????
miss my dad....A bigger why!?!?!?
Miss Dare...wonder if he's alive and doing well...
Miss Mike...we haven't talked since he stared collage again
Miss...me, in some ways. Miss not having to worry about what
people thought...
Miss just being able to do what I want, go where I want.
hate having to feel as though I have to get "dressed
up" when we go out.
I like to where jeans and a tshirt and throw my hair up in a bun.
lol.
Hate having to "prove people that Im not a terrbal
person."
Anyway,imtired..gonna try to sleep now befor my aunt catches me
online.
I'M BACK! 7/7/2003
well. I am home. We got back about 11 PM today. It's now 1:07.
My Aunt just went to bed, but, since I slept all the way home, I
am not tired.
It feels good to be home...Home...I love that word.
SO, I had so much fun!!! New York City was great!!! We walked
around the city, saw a play, met some of my family. Haha, my Aunt
bought me a bunch of clothes. I told her not too, but, she
insisted. She said she is making up for lost time. I don't really
need clothes, though...to make up for lost time. I'm just happy
to have HER! But, I guess shopping was fun. She's spoiling me!
I felt bad though, in NYC, whenever I Saw homeless people. IT
didn't feel right that my Aunt was buying me all these clothes
and a block away, there were people on the streets begging for
money. I know what that is like. Even though My Aunt told me not
too, I gave probably about 40 dollars away all together. I think
she understood, though. I wish I could take them all home with me
to my aunts.
Anyway, we're home. Yay. My Aunt is going to some
conference/lecture on child hood development...it's one of those
conferences for the human service field or something. I'm not
sure if I am going. She said that I might stay with one of her
friends, but, she also said IM ight be able to go. I hope I can
go cus I don't kow how confortable I would feel staying with one
of her friends. Actually, I would love to actually attend the
conference. Those topics interest me! I could concider part of my
home schooling haha.
I read a few books on the way here. A person here online
suggested reading 1984. I actually had to read that one twice
because the firt time I didn't catch everything. anyway, i liked
that one so much, i looked for other books by the same author. i
just got done reading "Animal Farm." I am going to read
that again, too, though, becuase I dont think I caught
everything. Im kind of ashamed to admit it but I guess i am kind
of behind on my reading level...since i wasn't in school for such
a long time...but I am trying...that's why, if i don't get it the
first time, i will read the entire thing over.
yeah, i have an oppointment with my counsolor tues. I believe. I
haven't seen her in forever since i've been gone!
ANYWAY, GONNA TRY TO GO TO BED SO THAT I DON'T SLEEP ALL DAY
TOMORROW.
KALI
my picture... 7/12/2003
I had my picture here. then i thought about it and maybe it's
not a good idea. What if somebody starts stocking me or
something, lol.
do any of you have photo's on here and does it make you nervous?
mom 7/16/2003
I wonder if this is how my mom felt when she left...
god, i'm so lonely sometimes that I could cry...right now, i feel
so lonely. maybe it was triggered by mike telling me that he had
feelings for me. i just miss my parents sometimes...even for what
they were. it's so lonely sometimes inside of me...feels like a
whole...listen to this song over and over...just hoping that my
mom feels this way, or even my dad feels this way.
Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
I know your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound
And I want to hold you
Protect you from all the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all of the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way a father sould love his daughter
When I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away
I cried about leaving you alone
And I want to hold you
Protect you from all the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all of the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way a father sould love his daughter
Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane
So I wanted to say this
'cause I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been
And I want to hold you
Protect you from all the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all of the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way a father sould love his daughter
Sweet Zoe Jane
Sweet Zoe Jane
mike again. 7/31/2003
I wanted to take a break from the net. I was spending way to
much time on here and starting to feel kind of bored...which
leads to feeling sad. haha, well, in my crazy way anyway.
Well, I'm not sure what's going on with mike and i. I'm confused
and I think he is even more confused. We've been talknig on the
phone nearly every day since he called that one time.
Well, the other day, he called and told me that his roomy had
three tickets to a marilyn manson consert in montreal. He said
that he wanted me to go with him...he said we could be the only
two "non gothic" people there. I decided to go, even
though the road that it is on gives me very painful memories of
when I used to spend a considerable amount of time there. Lots
and LOTS of homeless people, sex stores all over, prostitues at
night, drugs, ect. Anyway, I said that I would go, even though
I'm not a HUGE fan of Manson. He's okay. I saw an interview with
him once, and, he seems down to earth and intelligent. my aunt
had me watch bowling for colombine with her and when these people
asked manson what he would tell the kids who shot up colombine if
he could, manson said,"I wouldn't TELL them anything. I
would let them tell me how they feel and what they are going
through."
Best answer.
Anyway, the concert was...GREAT. We managed to sneak our way up
to the front...well, close to the front. I kept almost getting
pushed around by moshing, so, Mike had his arms around my waste
the entire time to make sure I was thrown into a moshing pit
where I might get hurt. I don't know if I like him. A part of me
really does. He's so sweet and polite and kind...and he isn't
like all those guys my age who are ignorant and jerks. But, I am
still kind of scared. Why?
Anyway, After the show, Mike and I got in his car and drove
around the city for awhile. Montreal is beautiful at night. We
pulled over and talked for awhile. He said something agani about
how much he likes me. It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. NOt
beacuse it's him...but his intesity scares me. I ugess I'm just
scared of being hurt.
He went on to say that he wishes that I was older even though he
felt like I was older and I do look older...soi people say.
Anyway, who knows.
that's what I been up too...Mike. haha....
Mike, if you read this, I hope you don't feel offended by6 any
iof this. I told you before you came here that I write how I
really feel.
Kali
an email from mike 7/31/2003
Mike sent this too me about a week ago. I just got it today. I
feel dumb because, I have seen him since he sent it and I didn't
even know about it.
Dear Kali,
I can't hide this any longer. I love you. There, I said it. Maybe
it's wrong, but, why does it feel so right? You are everything
I've always looked for in a woman. You are smart, beautiful,
funny, sensitive, mysterious and you are so great to be around.
You listen and you care. God, I love you so much Kali. I feel
like that is wrong. What am I supposed to do. Sometimes, it hurts
my heart to be around you, yet, I can't stay away. Why can't I be
a few years younger, or, you a few years older? Is our age
difference that much different that we can't be together?
Sometimes I feel like you might feel the same way about me, and
other times, I get the impression that you just want to be
friends. It is really confusing, Kali. I do understand that it is
hard for you. I will wait as long as it takes. I'm not going
anywhere...unless you ask me too.
I feel like I have known you forever, though, we haven't even
known eachother a year. I remember the first day we met. You were
so cute as you were reading this big text book. Actually, I
thought you were older...a collage student then. You were so easy
to talk to even in those first minuets. Then, when we went to the
park that day...god...I think I fell in love with you right them.
Isn't that crazy? I feel like you are my soul mate.
I hope this isn't scaring you Kali. I will never pressure you
into anything. If friends is all we can be, well, I'll take it.
It will hurt, I will admit, but, maybe one day, when you are
ready, it can be something more.
Kali, how do you feel about me right now? You've never came out
and really told me how you really feel about me. To you only look
at me as a friend? A brother? or do you have any romantic
feelings toward me? Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Kal, I
just need to know.
I will probably regret sending this too you the minuet I click
the send button, but, I can't hide it anymore.
Mike
Dear Mike,
Wow, I really don't know what to say. I need time to let all of
this digest. i'll call you in awhile.
too good for me 8/4/2003
mike tried to kiss me the other night
I got really nervous and couldn't breath and ran away from him.
what's wrong with me?
I think i hurt his feelings but i can't explain what i was
feeling.
sorry mike.
im too screwed up for you...you are too good for me./
Kali
He can sing...? 8/11/2003
I feel bad. Mike's been doing a couple of summer courses in
collage. I feel bad because he's hardly ever studieing...he seems
to always be here.
I learned something about him that I didn't know. THe guy can
SING. I was sitting around the living room playing my guitar. He
was just watching me, when, all of the sudden, he started
singing! I couldn't believe it. He has such a GREAT voice. I am
mad that he kept that from me! Anyway, so, I played for like five
minuets as he sang...making up words as he went along. Wow.
Now, I think that we should write music together. He has a very
exceptional voice. I think that we should go to old montreal and
I can play guitar and he can sing...maybe I can do al ittle back
up singing. wow.
I love his voice...that might just do it for me!
Anyway, my aunt has been busy gettnig ready to get back to
school. The plan is still that Im not going back to school...but
am just going to take the home classes. And, my aunt said that
she has a friend who is going to come by a couple times a week to
give me some guitar lessons, since, I think I have gone as far as
I can on my own.
Haha, I love music.
Things are so good. THey are the bst they have ever been real;lhy
and I'm so scared something is going to happen to make it all
fall apart. I hope im not jinxing myself. Mike sitting by me
watching me type and laughing at me. I don't know why he's
laughing. ANyway, gotta run. Going to walk him to class.
he's blushing about the singing.
dare 8/14/2003
I am starting with the tutor tomorrow. Actually, we were going to
go all summer, but, decided not too...so that I could enjoy the
summer more. However, I am starting earlier and probably ending
earlier. Oh well. I am not having classes EVERY DAY and only for
a couple hours a day at that. Plus, the tutor is a big goof and
we talk and joke around a lot...so...of actually
"study" time, I don't know how MUCH therell be. I think
since I've started writing in here in in paper journals, my
writing has gotten a bit better. Well, i hope so, because, Ive
beenself consious about that...about being so far behind
everybody else my age. It makes me feel stupid sometimes, but,
that's why I read so much now...because...I like to learn...about
things that interest ME.
Hey, I had never known about any internet cafe's in montreal.
but, there were somer ight under my knows all the time...I wonder
why i never noticed them. Mike took me to one the other day while
my computer was having problems. He just wanted to show meo ne,
becuase, a diary here mentioned one and I was wondering what it
was. It was interesting. some interesting people there, too.
I helped my aunt bring stuff to her office. She put a picture of
me in her office. I didn't like the picture, though, because it
was one that was too revealing so i made her take it home again.
It was before a dinenr and she insisted that I dress up...Anyway,
I guess it wasn't that revealing, but, for me, it was and I don't
want a bunch of people seeing it. I told her that if she insisted
of keeping a picture of me in her office, to take one the way I
normally am-in jeans and tshirts...haha...i hate dressing up. I
hate dresses too! Mike saw the only picture of me in a dress and
said I should wear them more often. I hit him and told him he
better make a copy of the picture because I am not a dress
girl...haha, i won't be pressured into it again. Okay, maybe Im
being dramatic.
Anyway...I don't know what's going on with MIke. It's wierd that
we didn't talk for awhile and then all of the sudden he's in my
life again.
Being with Mike makes me wonder about Dare. Thel ast I heard, he
was doing well. He was off the street and going to school or
something. That could have been a rumor. I wish I knew how to get
ahold of him.
When I went to the Manson Consert with Mike, I did see one person
who I used to "live" with...haha, if you want to use
that term. Anyway, I told him where I was and told him if mike
came back where he could get a hold of me. when I first moved in
with my aunt, i relaly missed him, but, i guess as time went by,
i got self indulgent and forgot about him. I feel bad now...i
guess I got to focussed on my own life and how good things were
for me now...tht i forgot that he was somewhere out there.
but what could i do? I don't even know where he is? Besides, I
guess he can handle himself. He has for years. he's like a big
brother...he was my protector out there. He made sure nobody
messed with me and did his best to "take care of me." I
don't know where i would be if it wasn't for him... I could be
dead or got into bad life style to survive. anyway, i wish ic
ould see him, or write to him, and just say thanks.
I wonder if he would ike mike.
I think MIke would be too...I don't know the world for it, for
Dare. Haha, dare has a problem with white guys. lucky for me, he
doesn't have a problem with white girls, though. actually, he
doens't have a problem with them really...he just thinks that
they get all the breaks in life...whichisn't true...it's just
what he's seen all his life.
anyway, enough about dare...im sure he's fine. he's a survivor.
anyway, going for a walk. Im bored. maybe I will go read in the
park.
kali
age shouldn't matter 8/19/2003
Im miserable. Mike isn't talking to me. He said he doesn't
feel like it is right for him spending so much time with me
because I am so much younger. Age shouldn't matter. It never
bothred him before...now...all of the sudden...he did a 180. God,
I was over the fact that he was older than me. It didn't matter
to me because we got along great.
Im miserable.
Kali
going to burlington vt 8/21/2003
There's this really cool guy online that everyone should no.
HIs name is Steve. He's just great. I read some of his entries on
his web page, and nearly cried at the thought that there is
really someone like him out there. I"ve always wondered if
there was a person outt here like him.
He writes a lot about how teenagers need to travel and get out
oft heir homes. haha, well, maybe I don't understand that,
because, I have and do!
ACtually, I am thinking about leaving again...for a few days. I
need to do some things.
Anyway, i will have to wait ont hat. I am going to Burlington, VT
for a couple of days. My AUnt has a bunch of stuff she has to do
and she doens't want me around for the next few days. She has
some very good friends who will aprently "LOVE ME" and
she wants me to stay with them in the states.
I'm sure htey will love me...
so...it will be time to put on my "Lets please
everybody." I feel kind of like she is dumping on me because
she just wants some space...after all, I'm not her daughter. She
probably needs a break.
Maybe she's changing her mind about me. Maybe im more trouble
than she's worth.
when I first moved in here, we got a long great. but lately,
she's been more controling...maybe because i was spending so much
time with mike. she tells me that i "HAVE" to get
dressed up more often and go out. I don't like too. id rather sit
at home in pajama pance and read or write or something. SHe says
I'm "Depressing her."
That kind of hurt.
OH well.
ANyway, like Is aid, after I get back from burlington, IM ight
leave for a few days and hook up with some old friends. I found
out the other day that one of them has an apartment now with an
extra room so i might stay there for a few days. we'll see. maybe
Iwon't.
anyway, if I don't write in a few days it's because I'm in VT.
I've never been there. I wonder if it's pretty. I heard it is.
Kali
Then I got this email from her...
Mon, 25 Aug 2003 08:20:14 -0700 (PDT)
SUBJECT: stuck in burlington vt...she lied to me
Can you believe this? Apparently, the real reason my AUnt sent me
to VT is because she wants me to stay here for "Awhile"
Apparently, she read one of my hand written journals saying that
I wanted to run away again...and stay with some old friends I
had...and she wanted to "get me out of here." She
figuredh tat if I was someplace I didn't know, that I wouldn't
leave.
I'm so angry and feel so betrayed. how could she do this too me?
She was the only one I had...now I'm staying withsome strangers.
Im not sure how she got permission for me to stay in the states.
VT is beautiful, but, that's besides the point.
I don't kow what to do.
SOrry for putting thison you. I just needed to tell somebody. I
feel like my world is crushing again. I feel so betrayed. How
coulds hed o this too me...after I opened my heart to her?
Kali
PS. i just needed to tell somebody. I am crying now so I am going
to go upstairs before anybody sees...
These people are rich...and rigid...yesturday, at dinner, they
kept telling me "Has anyone taught you manners."
I wanted to say "no" but I thought they would be mad...
THey tried to buy me all of this stuff to make me feel better
about staying with them. SCrew there shit.
im going to find a way out of here. I'm not talking to my aunt
again.
Then she wrote in her diary
wow, it's been awhile 3/6/2004
im crashing at a girl's house. she met me the other day and made
me come home to eat dinner with her. and she hasn't let me leave
yet. she insisted I stay for breakfast and sleep here for a
couople days. It's been a week and im still here. i'll probably
leave tomorrow though. she's only in her 20's and can't afford to
be feeding me. she has a big heart,though. nomrally, when ask
people for money, they throw change at me...not take me home with
them!
i spent 40 minuets trying to remember the password tot his. i
used to love writing in here. i started reading the entrries from
before i was shipped off to vt. how did things go from good to
bad so quickly?
well, im not in vt anymore. I miss canada! I want to go back,but,
I'm stuckin the usa until im 18. I think the border would give a
15 year old, without and adult,w ithout money, ID, prove of
citizenship, a car...some problems. so, until im legal here, i am
stuck here.
i'm surviving though. im trying to think of it as an adventure. i
wtached televisionf or the first time in 5 months last night!
this is my first time on a computer in...since I left that
bitch's house in VT!
anyway, not sure when I will be able to get online again. it
might be a long time. i have more important things to seek out.
thanks for the notes and the concern. im not sure if anybody even
remembers me, but, i flet kind of loved when i came and read
notes.
i hope i didn't worry anybody. i haven't been online. It's sucha
long story.
kali
i'm leaving now 3/9/2004
the girl i stayed with all week was so nice to me. She gave me
her number and said if I ever need anything to come back. She
didn't want me to go...felt it was unsafe for me to go back to
how I was living. I explained that i've been doing it for a few
years now...minus the time i was with my aunt. She was nice,
though.
SHe's at school now. I just left her a note thanking her for her
friendship, warm bath, and food. Now, im out of here.
You meet people along the way in life. SHe was just anoter one of
those people.
Im not sure where im going to head too next. I have about 20
bucks that she INSISTED that I take.
Well, I litterally have my sweater on, my back pack packed, and I
am heading out the door.
I'll try to come back here sometimes within the next few months
or so too say im okay.
It's nice out. Soon, I Won't have to worry about it being
freezing outside and freezing to death! haha.
until next time,
Kali
hmm chinese food 3/16/2004
It's cold in New York today. I've been in NY for about a month. I
went here with a couple of people that I met in Burlington. NY,
well, lets just say that it's not as great as everyone said it
is. I imagined it to be some great and magical city...but, I
think MOntreal is better.
I'm at this guys apartment for the night. I met him at this
little soup shop that I go too becuase it's so so cheap.
SO,we just smoked a bowl together. Then, he said he had to go out
for a minuet, so I asked if I could use his compuoter. I'm going
to try to write in here every coupole weeks or at least once a
month, providing I can. It will be something to look back on when
this situation is worked out.
I haven't told the guy much about myself. He's pretty handsome,
though. I think that he said he was 28. He's an artist, too. But,
isn't NY where all the artists go, so, I can't be suprised.
Not sure where I'm staying tonight. He said that I can crash on
his couch, but, I'm wondering if he met bed.
I also met another girl who I stayed at a couple nights. THere is
also a teen cetner for people to stay. I always find places to
stay. People are friendly here, and seem to want to help. One
night, I slept in an all night coffee shop. The ownder didn't
give me any problems which was cool.
OKay, well, Keith is back. I think we are watching a movie or
something and he brough home chinese. yum. Okay. Later. I'll try
to get back here whenver I have the opportunity.