Melissa letter Jan 2, 2009

Part of letter from Melissa - Received Jan 2, 2009

I want to show this because it is an example of what I would call Melissa's high level of emotional intelligence and specifically, emotional understanding. She understands and describes what is happening as well as just about any one with a PhD in psychology. In fact, probably better than most of them.

She was talking about a friend of hers who she has been trying to help.

i felt guilt tripped because when i didnt give her the overly dramatic super concerned reaction she has clearly been hoping for, she explained it into depth and made it sound worse and worse every time i simply told her to go to the doctor if she thinks there is something wrong.

i am no physician myself, but from how she described it, it sounds to me like she made half of her symptoms up. i think she might be bipolar, or maybe she craves attention, but every night, she txts me sounding depressed, so,following my cue, i ask whats wrong, she tells me whats wrong, asks for advice or my opinion, turns down everything i say,goes back to sulking, and when i run out of things to say and i stop txting her she says something along the lines of "well you seem busy so ill just go take care of my anger" meaning she is going to cut because im not giving her my undivided attention for hours and hours every night about something that usually isnt a big deal or anything that she can control, or she will say something like "sorry for bothering you" so then I have to apoligize to HER for something i didnt do wrong, because she just turns down my opinions or advice... so, i dont know if you really even want to hear any of this, you have enough problems on your hands, so try to not think of this as a problem, actually you are helping me by allowing me to vent. lately i have felt used, abused, overly relied on, manipulated, wrongly blamed, guilt tripped, pressured, taken advantage of, unhappy, guilty, not valuable

I feel a bit proud that I have helped Mel learn to identify her feelings so specifically. And I feel encouraged that she has applied this to her real life. At this point in her life it might be painful to identify her feelings, but I hope that she will get some benefit from this ability or skill later in life, if not now. Maybe it does help her to identify them even now at age 16. Maybe it helps because if she realizes how she feels sooner rather than later it will help her make healthy choices about who to spend or invest her time with. Sadly, Mel cannot choose her environment since she is what I call a teen prisoner, but at the very least at this point she can make some choices about not spending time with people who she is not legally forced to spend time with..In other words, as the saying goes, she can choose her friends, but not her family.

You can see that Melissa is also feeling unappreciated, unhelpful, and starting to feel resentful about her friend. I am not sure what to do to help Mel with these feelings. She doesn't ask me for advise, ha ha. And they told me in my training not to give it. And I have learned people rarely follow it anyhow, then I feel a bit rejected since I offered them something and they didn't accept it, we could say.

Note --- I feel a little guilty for not posting more of Mel's letters and chats. She really deserves more and needs more than I can give her. I try to do what I can, but I am outnumbered and overpowered. If anyone else would like to help me help Mel, please let me know.

Steve