Melissa, USA
First email
hi steve,
i added you on msn, and thought id send you an email to tell
you who i am so u know im not some crazy stalker or something...
my name is Melissa, i am 15, turning 16 in april, and i live in
the usa
i dont really know what im supposed to say, im not suicidal,
seeing as iv never tryed to commit suicide or anything, but i
just think about it constantly, and like i have planned it out in
various different ways.... i dont know... i dont think i would
have the courage to actually do it but i just dont like feeling
like crap about myself all the time, its just not fun....
heres some stuff to know about my life: im a sophomore in high
school, it is a "very good" school, one of those types
where you would probably get beaten up if you didnt end up
graduating with a 3.8 GPA and going to a good school. i am one of
the few that really struggle in school, i pull anything from Ds
to As, but mostly bad grades... the worst in my
family actually... i come from a pretty wealthy family
(up untill recently) my parents got divorced in the winter of my
freshman year, so its been a little over a year since... they
both went bankrubt (sorry, i probably spelled that wrong..) and
our house went into forcloseure. this all happened really fast,
in a matter of months. i have a twin sister and an older brother.
they both get along really well, they are into the same music and
tv shows and stuff, and they have the same friends (because we
arnt to far apart in age), they both get along better with my
mom, and my dad seems to like the same stuff as them too... and
then theres me.. lol.. i like to ride horses, it is the only
thing i am good at, and im not even that good... which is really
sad.. but whatever.. i have 3 best friends, breanna, morgan, and
jj.... (jj is a guy incase u were wondering) jj and breanna are
dating, and they are just the perfect couple, i am so jealous of
what they have... and since i have gone through 1/2 of my high
school years never having a boyfriend, it makes me ask myself...
what if there is something wrong with me?... what if i am
hideous... what if i am fat.... what if i am bitchy.... what is
wrong with me??? and i just cant figure it out. like b4 i thought
like this, i was content with how i looked, i wasnt like in love
with myself but i didnt think that much about my appearence being
bad either. i have become OBSESSED with my appearence now, my
friends get sooooo sick of me asking them if my legs are too
short and fat, or if my face is ugly, or if my boobs are too
small in proportion to my ass, and whatnot. and like i cant do
any of that crazy dieting because i just suck at everything, so i
suck at dieting, and it just makes me even more mad at myself and
then i just hate myself more... like heres a list of what i hate
about my body *my arms are to skinny, my fingers are too long, my
hands are too big, my legs are short, my calves are too skinny
and my thighs are too fat, my butt is SO big, my neck is too
long, i hate everything about my face, my hair just never looks
pretty, my figure is just weird, idk how to describe it, my
stomach is just disgusting, i need to do situps... and i have
this DISGUSTING fat on the backs of my legs and butt, and idk how
to make it go away!!!* and like all of my friends are like noooo
ur sooo skinny! and i have gone onto a million websights looking
at scales of proportionate body parts and stuff (my legs are 3
inches too short, which sounds like nothing but its a lot) and my
BMI (body mass index) is like 17.3 i think, which is technically
underweight, but that just blows my mind, because i look in the
mirror, and there is no way in hell i am underweight... but
whatever...
i just get so stressed out with school and my looks and my
parents fighting and our money situation, and then i just come
home, get on my computer, and talk to people i meet online and
tell them about how i feel and the stuff i do... which is another
thing.. i meet tons of people online and i can trust them so much
easier than people in real life, like i dont tell my best friends
ANYTHING compared to what i tell these guys, but its because i
dont want to make my real friends worry about me or tell someone
else, because im doing stuff i probably shouldnt be.. but it all
just feels like im sitting in this little sound proof box with
everyone around me outside of the box, and im trying so hard to
tell them about this, but they just dont hear me and dont
understand... and i just want someone to understand and give me a
little credit for... for i dont know what... but i think i do a
good fucking job hiding this from everyone... i have this thing
where i like CAN NOT and WILL NOT cry infront of people, not even
my family, i just dont let myself... the only time i cried
infront of someone was when i was riding the bus home from a band
competition and i was sitting in the dark under a banket next to
morgan and she told me "i know this is going to make me
sound like your mother,but whatever, i just wanted you to know
how proud i am of you, like, you are trying so hard in school and
so hard in band, and with your parents divorce and all, i just
know uv gone through a lot and im just really proud of you"
like even just typing that is making my cry so much, and im
trying to be quiet because my sister is in the next room and my
dad is downstairs...i dont know.. i just want a little sympathy
maybe, like i feel like i have this whole load to carry and no
one will help me :( and i just dont know how to deal with this, i
have like tryed to talk to my guidence counceler at school a few
times, but then its back to that crying thing, and i cant cry
infront of her, so i cant really even talk about much... i just
feel like my whole world is falling apart, andi know that sounds
totally cheesey or whatever, but its so true, i feel like iv been
taken from my home and just put in a place i have never seen
before and i cant get back home... i just wish i could have
someone to talk to that understands me and can give me advice on
how to deal with this stuff... because no matter how much i
pretend everything is ok, nothing is really ok, and nothing is
changing... and yeah, i admit it, i want attention, i want SO
much attention right now it should be a sin.. like i just wish i
could end up in the hospital so i can just sit there and not
think about anything and then have nurses and docs asking me how
i feel... i just wouldnt want my friends to be all worried... but
like... omg... i just dont know what to do with myself, i dont
cut often because i dont want people to worry, but this one time
i did cut, i went to take a bubble bath to calm myself down and
wash up, and i wasnt thinking, then there was that whole warm
water and bleeding thing, where you just dont stop bleeding, and
i ended up passing out but then i woke up a few hours later (the
drain in my bath kindof sucks, sometimes it just like leaks water
out, almost 1/2 as slow as if there was no drain plug at all) and
realized what happened, and by then i stopped bleeding, and i
didnt tell anyone what happened, i just went to sleep and hoped
it would be better in the morning, and it was...
wow.... this has really got to be the longest email i think i
have ever sent before, its like an essay.... you really dont have
to read it all, or even email me back if u dont want to, its ok
id understand
but thanks for ur time,
melissa
after i told her i dont want her to suffer as much as i have.
well thats just part of life, everyone has to go thru it eventually to learn how to keep a good relationship going, i dont like when you say i destroy relationships either, it sounds like im even more heartless than i already am