Mia

Mia was 14 when she found EQI.org. I chatted with her several times. She used to email me and let me know what was going on in her life. A bit. She wasn't as open as some of the teens. And she was very hard on herself. And she was hard on others. Jen, on the other hand was hard on herself, but not hard on others.

I once felt understood by Mia. We were chatting and I said "Why do you think I help teens?" What she said surprised me. She said it was because I wanted to help them avoid the suffering I felt in my own life. But she said it better than that. I don't know if I saved the chat. I don't know where I would look for it. And I don't want to start looking for it now, by going downstairs, finding my old laptop, opening it etc.

I think of the movie about Omar Shariff I think it was, going across the desert. At one point he goes back to get someone who has been left behind somehow. People tell him it is too far to go back, they will both die etc. But he goes anyhow and brings the man back. Later the man steals something from someone else in the group. Now he has to kill him because that is the agreement or the rule. He can't show favoritisim. So he shoots him.

In a way, this is similar. Mia was somewhat special to me. I realized she was different. She was harder to help. I don't know what helped her really actually. I felt a little used by her now that I think about it. Some teens just need to distract themselves for a while, let's say. For example, when they don't want to do something, like study or write an exam.

It hurts, as I have said elsewhere, that Mia didn't learn more from my site, that she didn't spend more time reading it in comparison to how much time she spent reading her school books. I am afraid Mia will destroy her relationships. As I destroyed so many.

I didn't read Mia's last letter. I asked my partner to. She told me it was very attacking -- as I feared it would be. I don't want to attack Mia back. Why hurt someone already in pain? Someone who reached out to you for help?

Maybe I will find the last letter I sent to Mia. I realize now I didn't ask her how she felt when she read it. I basically just told her I'm sorry it didn't work out for her to get help through my site.

She had sent an attacking, guilt-tripping letter to about 6 people a couple of weeks ago. I felt bad for her, but I guess honestly, I felt worse for the people she was attacking.

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Supposedly Jesus said something like "Let those with ears, hear." To me that means I can only help those who want to be helped. What that means is in a fight between two people I can't help the one who wants to keep fighting. Even though I know they are also in pain, I will protect the person they are attacking.

I am afraid Mia will feel provoked if she reads this. Afraid she will feel judged, and even more hurtful towards me. I am afraid she will feel more unhelped. Less understood.

I am trying to figure out what Mia's emotional needs are - where here pain is coming from exactly. A bit like a doctor who is trying to do the same with physical pain. But it is easier for a patient to at least point to where the physical pain is coming from.

I don't want to "burn my bridges with Mia" - though I am afraid I am in her eyes. I don't want to give up on her. I have given up on some teens in the past. I had almost given up on Cara. But yesterday she wrote me and it made me smile. She was in an "occupy" protest. In New Zealand.

Anyhow, I am afraid Mia will feel ...what? what is the feeling word? unimportant, less important, pushed aside, replaced?... if I keep talking about Cara in Mia's space.

I need to protect myself these days. I am too weak. And I am afraid of Mia calling me a coward again, as I wrote above. I am afraid she disapproves of weakness.

I worry that Mia would make a good soldier but not a good mother. I feel bad saying that. At the same time I hope she will really think about that one day. And I hope others will.

In the chat room one day Mia said "Marco is the only one I haven't been fighting with on here." I am afraid she doesn't realize the problem could lie more with her. I tried to encourage her to learn to be a better listener, but she ... well let me put it this way, I felt pushed away by her, felt some kind of rejection in the sense my suggestion was rejected.

I don't ban many people from the chatrooom. I don't like to ban anyone unless they are clearly saying hurtful things to the other teens.

In Mia's case I decided she wasn't helping make the chat a safe environment. And that is something it needs to be, or so I believe. That is my goal for the room.

So anyhow if you are reading this Mia and have a "change of heart" someday, or a change of priorities and beliefs, I'd like to hear about it. I am still willing to try to help you within the realities of how much time I have.

I don't feel very appreciated, by the way. I don't feel very cared about. I don't feel very understood. I am afraid you don't like our zero to ten scale so I won't use that. It probably isn't helpful for you to know more precisely how I feel anyhow.

I am not sure how to end this. I guess I will try to feel hopeful, that one day you will have a new perspective or something - that one day I will hear from you again when you are not feeling hurtful and resentful.

I guess I will invite you to tell me how you feel, but I ask that you use feeling words.

I am not sure if you have read my section on emotional literacy, so there is the link. I feel bad that they won't teach you these things in high school or in colllege. But hopefully my site will be here if you ever want to come back and study it one day. And maybe they will teach these things to your children or grandchildren..

Nov 21, 2011

Until.

Until you apologize. And acknowledge what you did. I believe I am forgiving. I can forgive someone who acknowledges what they did and who sincerely wants to do things differently.

I can think of no one in the world who I really want to hurt. Everyone has been hurt too much already. I want to help everyone. I want to see more peace on the earth and less time wasted on fighting.

Guilt trips are abusive.

Mia reminds me of my brother. She tries hard, but destroys people. My brother also would make a good soldier. I told my mother if I were in a fight, I'd want Andy on my side. But I don't talk to Andy any more. He used to try to control me. Now he has no influence on me.

My partner helps me with a lot of those kinds of things. But there are too many. We have a growing to do list. We are working nearly constantly when we are not sleeping.

She doesn't see the

Now I feel resentful - The thought came to my mind "But that wasn't good enough.." Now I could continue that with "She wanted me to get down on my knees and beg forgiveness."

Resentful means hurtful and it means hurt. Pain. The pain of not feeling appreciated. Feeling ignored. Not feeling acknowledged or understood. Possibly she misinterpreted my mail. Maybe she thought I didn't feel sorry. And I didn't feel very sorry, I felt worse for the people she had unfairly attacked. I think she sent it to four or five people.

Now I think "Mia will be making messes like this wherever she goes." Like someone who carries a gun and shoots it off then has to defend herself for using it etc.

That is one of the signs of children of alcoholics I think. I am guessing someone in Mia's family was or is an alcoholic or a drug user. Someone has hurt Mia a lot and has failed to fill her emotional needs, especially what I call my top ten emotional needs of children. xx link I am pretty proud of myself for figuring out as much as I have and I want to tell people. And I want people to help me tell people.

My partner has been a big help in a lot of ways. She helps me with editing and spell checking now for example, so if you ever see a typo, blame her ha ha.

I'd like to have someone a bit like Mia working for me. She is pretty obedient I'd say. She must be to have not gotten kicked out of her Catholic school.

I feel sorry for her really. She has no idea of how much damage is being done to her by the Catholics and the Americans.

I don't feel optimistic I can help Mia. But maybe someone else can. Maybe one day a psychologist will help her. Or a divorce councelor.

I want people to learn from what happened to Mia. And to me. We were both abused. Maybe Mia was sexually abused and she hasn't told anyone. It is very possible. She seems to be keeping at least one secret. I feel bad she never felt safe enough to tell me or others what was really happening. I hope she will eventually tell someone everything.

I don't want to write Mia off, so to speak. I feel hopeful, let's say she will get help or help herself one day. She still has the potential for a major breakthrough and change. But I am afraid she will have to drop lower before she is in enough pain to seek real help and make real changes.

I hope that someone comes along in her life to give her a lot of the things I and the others couldn't. For example, the understanding and validation and safety so she could trust someone 100 percent.

I am afraid she will use this as an example of how people can't ever be trusted. I am afraid she has a very negative, self-destructive, dysfunctional view of life and belief system -- which she isn't questioning or perhaps even aware of -- and that is setting her up to feel more and more bitter and she "proves" to herself she is right - that people can't be trusted, no one cares, no one will help her etc.

I suspect I care about her and understand her better than anyone else in the world. But she still doesn't feel cared about or understood I guess.

I can't help people who don't accept my help. And I don't really want to spend my time with people who don't appreciate it or value it. I truly have lots of other things I want to do with my time. And again, I want people to help me accomplish my goals. For example, to develop the Hillary Adams Foundation and to help me with my goal of chaning the world or my ctw project as I call it.

So anyhow, if I could I'd "arrest" Mia. I'd take her out of school, out of America. I'd give her lots of reading material about abuse, dysfunction, family systems, emotions etc. I wouldn't do it to hurt or punish her. I'd do it to protect myself, others and herself. Mia needs to be protected from herself because she is, as the saying goes, her own worst enemy now. I'd give her the book "How to be your own best friend.'" I think I found that one again in Australia. It wasn't as good as the title suggests, but it would be more helpful to her than most of the stuff she is forced or feared into reading and being tested on.

Now it is about 8. I have spent over three hours on my young friend Mia. I once decided to place a value of 100 euros per hour on my time. So if you want, Mia, you can make a deposit to my paypal account of 300 euros and I will forgive you. lol

Ok now I am being a smart ass. But I feel better now. I felt guilty before. Deserving of some of the abuse she was throwing at me. But now I feel stronger again. I really don't want to hurt Mia. But I don't want her hurting me either. I will "defend" myself. In my way, on my terms, not Mia's. I won't fight the battle she wants to fight, evidently. I won't speak her language. I won't go back to that. I have been there done that. I could label her, use sarcasm (maybe I have already) try to intentionally hurt her. But I don't want to. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did.

I know some of my own power. Mia is no match for me. I would hurt her if we ever fought. Physically or emotionally. I am not suicidal all the time. I would fight to the death if attacked. And I would fight to the death to protect someone I loved or cared about in the right circumstances. I have power that Mia doesn't know about, doesn't see. Most people don't know how energized I get. I can be like the Hulk, transforming into some kind of wild beast. My passions are very strong. I have been abused too many times. I have been attacked, judged, etc etc. It is not wise to engage me in an emotional battle. You won't win. My ex-wife engaged me in a battle. She was a strong fighter but she finally gave up. Now she wants to be friends again. ha ha. Sorry. I am not hurtul to her, but I also won't trust her again. She hasn't really ever apologized. I haven't seen a big change in her and I am not very interested. She once was writing a book. But as far as I know she never wrote it and I never saw any part of it. I think she is still just messing with horses.

ha ha I just checked her name. she is on linked in- the same thing i just got out of, and was quite pissed off at.

Does Garnier owe me compensation for abuse? I have written about that before... now I wonder if Mia does. I do feel robbed of my time. I feel somewhat deserving of compensation. I'd accept a sincere apology from her. Then I'd probably just move on.

I feel sad I feel forced to respond to Mia's attacks. It is like I was peacefully inside my safe house and was shot at through the windows and walls. I want and need my safe house back. I hope that Mia will one day live in a safe house of her own. And that one day she will understand the importance of it. And she won't ever again invade someone's house.

Which makes me think "Americans are good at invading" - They invaded Afghanistan and Iraq. I don't say the war in Iraq. I say the invasion of Iraq.

I fear that Mia would disagree and would support the troops and all that nice patriotic, dysfunctional, and species-threatening bullshit.

I will wonder what has happened to Mia. I won't forget her. I want this page to be some kind of memorial to her. She is not dead, but she has been almost killed inside. Poisoned.

It is very sad. But I still hold out hope that she will start the recovery process one day. And that she will stay away from Catholics and she will spend a lot of time outside of the USA.

I think of my "boundaries" again -- I don't want to let Mia into my mailbox again. Actually she can mail me but I wont read it. Maybe Marco will help me. Or someone else that cares about both of us. Maybe Amie. Amie knows the dysfunctional American system. It should be interesting to see what people have to say about this and whether I hear from Mia again or if so what she writes. Whatever happens I want people to learn from it.

So now she knows I am writing about it on the forum and here. I'd prefer not to hear from her again because I think this is not the best use of my time, but if she is in so much pain that she feels a need to write again, I will respond in some fashion no doubt. I can't control what she does. But I can write about it. I can and will learn from it. And I will share what I learn with anyone.

One reason I don't believe this is a good use of my time is that I have learned most of this stuff before. I don't feel a sense that a lot of new learning is taking place, or growing. It's more just annoying and distracting and interrupting. But in some way it is stimulating as any battle is I guess. It is energizing I suppose. So I want to use my energy in a positive way, the best I can at this point in my own growth or whatever.

My partner now rolls over. I kiss her and tell her I love her. While it might seem strange and unbelieveable I feel some sort of love for Mia. She needs love, that is for sure. But I fear she would throw anything I offered to her in my face. I am not sure how she is feeling or how she will feel. I hope she will figure some things out and learn andgrow from this. And I am truly sorry she is in so much pain and has been hurt so much.

SH Nov 28, 2011