EQI.org Home | NN These are some examples of N's writing, most of which are from around the year 2000 when she was 17 and living in the state of New York. Peru Central School - Peru, New York, USA- "Land of the Free" In School Suspension - Also Peru Central |
Fear (Written in 2001 while a senior in highschool)
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Prom Oh, yeah, School has been more of HELL this
week than anything. Prom is this Prom is so over rated. Society says
that you are supposed to go. Anyhow, as you can see, this really
annoys me, lol! I can't count how many |
Wanting
to runaway (at
about 16) Hey Steve, I was
reading through some of my very old entries...more than
two I'm near tears as I write. My mom
and I have been fighting a lot lately and I |
Peru
Central School Well,
there is my French teacher of course. He hasn't liked me
from the beggining. Ithink it's because I dress
"different" or whatever. Today he was
handing out a newspaper to read. I, of course don't see
why we do current events every day in French class! It's
not even written in French or anything. Why isn't he
teacher of social studies or something that has to do
with current events? Anyway, he handed me the paper, and
I hadn't had it in my hand for even two seconds. I was
turning the paper around so I wouldn't have to read it
back words and he gets on my case. "N! That's
what I mean about "getting too comfortable. You
should be half done that paper by now." Well, I read
pretty fast, but I don't think anybody can read an entire
paper in 2 seconds. I don't let him walk all over -- Haha, you had to bring up the French Teacher. I was trying to block the memories of him out... Actually, I passed my French regents exam and becasue of him, will not go further in my French. I can't stand through another year of being emotionally abused by him. Even when I complained, nobody cared. They told me to talk to somebody else about it, and basically blew me off. Oh well. ---- I didn't go to detention the other
night. I had detention for not going to a study hall. The
principal passed me in the hall and said,"That means
you get a day of I.S.S..." However, instead of
handing me the "punishment" she threatened me
by saying the next time I get sent to her office, I will
have I.S.S
When you said you visited that
highschool and most of the people looked "dead and
fake" you hit it the nail right on the head. That's
how High School is. Nobody is "real." Everyone
has a facade. --- On Thursday, my social teacher flipped out on me. This is a teacher who I thought I could eventually like, now, though, I feel resentment and anger and even humiliation towards her. She made me feel very small. -- Nov 14 I wanted to tell you that I have an
appointment with my guidance counselor tomorrow. I am
going to look into home schooling, or rather, as the book
puts Nov 15 I've been very frustrated with school...becoming more and more aware of it's control over students. I try to describe to my peers about my feelings toward school, but nobody seems to understand. I get comments like,"But you have to do that assignment." Or "Grades are very important." It frustrates me. Now that I am seeing things more clearly, I don't understand how others don't see it too. ---- Includes the sperm donor t-shirt story Nov 20, 2001 Fifth period, I have French class. The "teacher" of this class loves power. Maybe he feels as though he lacks power over his life, so in turn, in the classroom, he has to exert control over all of his students. Most of the students in my class do not have a large understanding of the language. After all, we live in a small town without a diverse culture or variety of spoken language. Thought we live near Canada, most don't get the opportunity to go there. It's unrealistic to expect the students to be able to pick up a language quickly when we are only exposed to it for forty minuets a day. I am sitting in my seat at the back of the class and nearest to the door. This way, I can have easy access out! The teacher has handed us back our test. Most of the grades were poor. Even the "smart" kids did badly, yet, it is still our fault that we did bad. I wonder if maybe it was his teaching. I will not suggest that for it will damage his ego. He goes on to tell us how horribly we have done and that he's never had a class accomplish so little. Then he says,"But it doesn't matter that you've done bad because you have no future." The class was silent for a moment.
One of two of my classmates gasped,"What does that
mean," but nobody said anything beyond that. Not
wanting to sit in a class in which I and being told that
I have no future, I walk out. I am fuming! I feel angry
and invalidated. I feel as though I've been slapped in
the face by someone who is supposed to be there to
encourage me, support me and help guide me in my
learning. I walk down to the guidance office to tell my
guidance counselor what happened. He says that I should
tell the principal. Then he sends me to In School
Suspension (I.S.S) for the rest of the period because I
can't be roaming around the halls. When I tell the
principal, she says that I should get a group of people
together and then go to her. She can't do anything with
just my complaint. This angers me. I feel as though I
have been punished ( sent to I.S.S) for standing up for
myself. I also feel as though my French teacher is
getting away with what I consider to be a crime against
his students. The next few classes go by in a
blurr. I am much to angry to concentrate on anything that
teachers ramble on and on about. I am thinking about the
dirty looks I've been getting from teachers for little
reasons, about being told that I do not have a future by
a teacher, about not being able to yourself in school
because you will be punished for it. I laugh at the Irony. I will be
punished for walking out of class to tell my guidance
counselor about my teacher's wrong doings. I will get
detention of I.S.S, while the teacher won't have any
consequences and will continue to invalidate students. This "article" was not
intended to offend teachers, though I realize it may
have. I understand that most teachers who enter the
profession do have good intentions. As former middle
school teacher and author of "The Teenage Liberation
Handbook," Grace Llewellyn, says,"Many teachers
start teaching in the first place because they think
school is a bad place and want to make it better.
Unfortunately, most of these teachers end up quitting or
else compromising their ideals. The system is much
stronger than they are." My purpose in writing this
was intended to illustrate how schools have become more
about control and obedience rather than learning and
education. --- Dec 10, 2001 I almost flipped out in Social
Class today. We were talking about these teachers who
were brought to jail for going on strike!!! I questioned
how this could happen. I asked how free the country
really is when you can't even go on strike without being
brought to jail... -- Reading some interesting books.
This one I am reading is very interesting. It is
called,"Lies My Teacher told me-everything your
American History Books got wrong."I'm learning quite
a bit from this. I can't believe the things that my
history book leaves out just to make a person in History
look like a hero...for example President Wilson was a
white supremesist History books don't say this! More on... nnperu.htm |
Hi again. I found these notes that I used to keep. I have a bunch of things that I took notes on when we talked too, lol...These are some of the notes that I took while I was in school.
NOTES FROM SCHOOL/HOME
-told to stand up for the pledge
-students kicked out of class for not saying pledge
-What is the corrolation between education and the pledge?
-Told I could not eat in ISS
-yelled at for laughing by ISS "Teacher"
-Mom says "Fuck you. Go live with whoever your talking to on the telephone."
"Mrs. Clackler yelled at student for saying "Jesus."
-"If I were going to war with a country becuase of one person or grouple, I say we go to war with Canada." -Tim Hill... Whats the logic of this? What was he feeling when he said this?
Social Class
-Kristain Patnode says that you SHOULD never say you dont love your country. She says this after I said that I am ashamed to be an American...
-Another student in the same class says that we should just bomb the entire country (Iraq)
Guidance office-
Feeling angry, annoyed, bitter, bumbed, crazy, dumb, dead, dizzy, exhausted, frustrated, lonely, misunderstood, moody, mad, negative, needy, paronoid, resentful, suicidal
-Mr Cote (school psychologist) sort of yelled at me
"What are you doing in this section?"{ he said too hardly. I was just getting a drink
-feeling sad and belittled
-Rachael gets mad at me for leaving lunch a few minuets early to use the bathroom.
-Mrs. Loyed "Dont use Marberry vs Madison. Youll just get it wrong."
-told by Matt Bazio (football captain) to move to another country if I dont want to stand for the pledge
ISS
dictatorship teachers
-called us trouble makers
-said a kid was a pathological liar and "im sick of you"
all had to go to the lunch in the middle school and stand against the wall. Was humiliating
-a kid had to stand all period
12-10-01
In social, teacher telling us how teachers were arrested for going on strike
-I asked how free our country is
-told to leave the country again
12-11-01
In ISS
Feeling frustrated with school. I feel so invalidated and eager to break from its control
-its freezing outside in the morning just before school, yet, the school wont allow us to enter the bulding until a specfic time. Meanwhile, people are outside freezing. Students of parents are allowed to enter the building. They dont go with their parent, they go to their locker. Why is their special treatment?
-Im 18 and cant sign myself in and out of school. I have ISS for cutting a computer class so that I could go home to get lunch money.
-In ISS you have to sign a couple of papers. If you refuse, you will be further punished.
2-03-01
Given detention for coming into school 10 min. late. Didnt go and was called down to office again
-Told principal that I would not go to detention for this. I gave her quite a long speech about how I was 18 and it was my choice to come here in the firs tplace. She responded,"I like you, so, Ill give you a warning this time."
2-03-01
-mom accuses me of having sex on her bed...told her that I didnt and she continued to ask "was peter over here?" Shes nuts.
-Today, a woman came in. She asked what we planned on doing in our 20's and up. Everyone wants the "American Dream" I feel bad for them
4-3-02
Loyed says "I want you to throw away your bottles and cans or I will bann all drinks and food from class. She doesnt ask nicely or ask If it was our class. Shes on a power trip.
4-4-02
Loyed rips paper out of my hand (math homework.)
-Principal called me down to the office. She said that if I didnt go, she would come and get me.
-She made me go home. She said that I hate to take my medication, and, if I didn't, I couldn;t come back
-felt humiliated.
On being a teen
It's rare to come across somebody who cares and believes in teens. To most people, we are punks who all shoot down kids in school and do drugs. Yes, I may dress in black, wear dog collars, wear spikes, and have black hair, but does that make me a violent punk? I get good grades in school, I read ALL THE TIME, and I am a nice and passive person. It just bothers me that there are so many stereotypes of teenagers.
Insecurity
I was at a friend's house tonight. This guy, who I thought I could become good friends with was there. I actually met him through my best friend, whose house we were at. This guy is very interesting. He has been hospitalized a few times for some problems. He was diagnosed as beign schizophrenic, but that's under control. He is very smart-even genious like, lol! However, when I got to my best friend's house, Ken wasn't there yet, and we were talking. I told her how I didn't think he liked me, and she said that he doesn't not like me, but could never be friend with me because I am so insecure. So, when he did get there, I felt like shit, and barely said a word.
My insecurity makes me miss out on so much. I'm scared to hang out with friends becasue of all the people I don't know. I'm scared to actually even make NEW friends. It took me three years to actually hand in my job applications, lol! I'm sick of missing out on things... I hate to admit it, but I feel lonely too...
Oh, I've been reading that teenage liberation hand book. Last
night, maturely, I asked my mother if she would read it so that
she can understand my view point. She said,"Well, some
people don't have a ton of money and can't take the risk of
quittig school." It bothered me because I was trying to talk
to her as an adult and she jumped on me.
---
Nov 13
Last night after you called, my mom got up and freaked out
because I was on the phone with you again. "You're crazy
talking to some 44 year old perve," she said. "If you
dont like my rules you and your brother can both get out." I
packed a bag, wrote a note and sincerely thought about
leaving...I really thought I was going to. I wanted to wait until
my mom fell back to sleep so she wouldn't hear me but Ifell
asleep sitting on my bed with my shoes and all.
I hate this. So here I am, goign to go to school...frustrates the
shit out of me.Wish I wasn't here...
I know my mom is going to be mad at me all night. This morning
when I didn't get up she said something about how I stayed up all
night talking to "the perve." I tried to be realistic
last night about running away. I'm glad I didn't because it would
have been as mess. Where would I have gone? I tried to call you
but my mom took the phone away. I was about ready to tell you
that I would go to Austriallia with you. That I didn't care...
Shit. F***. damnit ( lol, swearing helps sometimes)
---
Hey you asked me to write something that I feel resentful
about...I have to get offline, but here are a few for now...I
will work on it.
1. I feel resentment when people judge me. For example, if they
make conclusions about me simply by looking at how I dress.
2. I feel restentment when my best friend acts like I'm not
around when her boyfriend is around...
3. I feel resentment when I do all of the housework and my mom
complains if something is not done "right"
4. I feel resentful when I put a lot of work into an essay or
piece of writing at school, and the teacher doesn't make any
comments...or if they do, only negative ones.
5. I feel resentful when I am lied too.
6. I feel resentful when people, such as my mom, doesn't listen
to me.
7. I feel resentful when my mom treats me like a 5 year old...
I had a terrible day at school. I told Rachael that I might not be coming back to school next year. I told her that I didn't know if it what I want with my life. She said,"You have to." I get really annoyed when people say "have" or "Should."
--
Dec 1
I am feeling a bit frustrated at the moment. Our school
football team made it to the Super Bowl ( the highest a team can
get in the state ) Tonight they won the Super Bowl. Rachael's
parents were listening to the game on the radio. When the won
they were dancing and screaming. Her Mom gave me an attitude and
yelled,"YOU SHOULD CARE! IT"S YOUR SCHOOL!" I felt
like saying,"F*** YOU! Don't tell me what to care
about!"
Other stories from her home life
Yes, my job interview went well. I think I got the job. She
seemed to like me and said that she would call me in the end of
this week or early in next week. I need the job, though, becasue
I can't hit my mother up for money. We are having some SERIOUS
financial problems-which have also been bothering me. haha, Don't
tell anybody ( not like you have many people to tell ) It's just
that my mom would kill me if I told anybody...especially someone
off the net. We are 10,000 dollars in debt!!! Quite a bit of
money, eh? Just our rent is 750 a month because it's such a
nice, large and high quality apartment...anyway, enough of my
worries and rambling on about dumb problems.
People have it worse...
--
Nov. 8, 2001
Hey Steve
This evening my brother came home completely stoned. His eyes
were so glossy that they were nearly watering and they were very
red. I've never seen him that bad. Everyone just took one look at
him and knew he was out of it.
My mom didn't know what to do. She called a crisis hotline asking
what she should do. She ended up calling the state police. After
about two hours, they finally showed up. He is here now. I feel
kind of guilty. I didn't set a very good example for him. I'm
scared about his future if he keeps this up. He will probably be
put on probation or something like that...
My brother just came in the house...he was outside talking to
the officer. He slammed the door on the officer! Oh shit. This
isn't good...
The only thing that came good out of this is that I am even more
inspired to write. I am starting a diary on Open Diary
called TEENAGER LIBERATION It is going to have the things I
write on it...I started one on I.S.S
I've been brainstorming ideas of subjects that I can write
about. So far, this is what I've came up with.
-the situation with Jon M. ( the sperm doner shirt guy )
-a friend being told that she looks like a prostitute by the
principal
-The entire In School Suspention ( ISS ) situation.
-Teenagers going to drugs and alcohol...what causes this...lack
of parent figures, role modles, understanding.
-I might write some personal stories on effect of abuse... ( This
is more of a theraputic things for me )
Oh, and I am going to take a picture of the ISS room and scan it
to you. This way, I can send it to you alone with what I write
about ISS...A visual of what the room ( the cell ) looks like is
always good.
Well
I have to get going now...
N
P.S I am glad that I got to talk to you today. I am feeling very
inspired.
What about you?
Nov. 10
Oh my f***ing god! ( if there is one. ) My mom just made my
brother empty his pockets for her!!!!
Nov 12
Feeling very nerve wrecked. Someone just called here saying
that my brother was out bothering them. He snuck out.
Came back stoned again. Mom searched him again. Found his pot and
a pipe. Put the pot down the towlet and smashed his pipe ( which
was glass, btw ) Brother has a problem. Smokes every day. Lies,
steals, fights, leaves at night...don't know what to do to help.
Mom hit him tonight. Told him that she doesn't know what to do
and might make him go to live with x step father. Feel sick.
Wrote to Judith.
I'm sorry to be bitching. Needed to tell somebody. To hard
holding it in anymore....
Dec 10
Oh! Brother is getting help. He has a big brother type of
mentor that is going to do things with him. He is also going to
try to get my familty do do things together and to function
normally (Whatever that means ) I think it will be good for my
brother to have a male role model to go to...I think he's at an
age where having a male figure is especially important. Also, he
is getting drug counseling, group counseling, and he is seeing
another drug counselor. I hope this helps. If it doesn't, I am
not sure what will.
Sister
I'm worried about my sister. Her boyfriend hit her! She's 15
and has a baby and feels trapped. She lives with him and his
parents and social services won't let her move out on her own
until she is 16...which means she has to stay with him...or she
feels she has too...