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Depression You are not alone....
How many times have you heard that? Or seen it on websites? Well, I'd like to suggest you never say that to someone who has just said they are alone or they feel alone. Here at eqi.org we work with people who really do feel alone. People who are depressed. People who feel suicidal. One thing they all have in common is that they feel alone. I myself have felt and often still do feel alone. I have cried because I felt so alone. Saying "you are not alone" to someone who just said they feel alone can be invalidating. It can make the person feel less understood and actually make them feel *more* alone. When I hear someone say or imply they feel alone, I send them a hug if we are online. Or show some understanding. When you say "You are not alone" you probably have good intentions. But telling someone they are not alone is almost like saying "you shouldn't feel that way" or "don't feel that way." It is much more helpful to just accept that they feel alone. When you say "you are not alone" you are rejecting their feeling, even if you have good intentions for saying it. So instead of the person feeling more accepted, they feel more rejected, and more afraid to tell you how they feel. The result could be that they feel even more alone. Or they might start debating with you and try to convince you that they are alone or no one understands. Either way, they probably won't really feel less alone by someone saying "You are not alone." Instead, what does seem to help is when they learn that there are other people who feel the same way they do and who have experience similar things. For example, if someone cuts because they are in a lot of emotional pain, then they meet someone online who also cuts because they are in emotional pain, they feel less alone without anyone needing to tell them "You are not alone." And if they feel alone because they are afraid to tell the truth about something, and they meet someone else who is also afraid to be honest, and they trust each other, then they feel less alone. But even if they don't find someone who shares their similar experiences, it helps to know someone *feels* the same way, even if for different reasons. So saying something like "Yeah, I feel alone sometimes and it really hurts," conveys that. More importantly, it helps a person feel accepted and safe to keep talking. The more they talk, the more they feel accepted and understood, and the less alone they will feel. S. Hein
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Other EQI.org Topics: Emotional
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