Australia 2011
We are in Australia now. But more importantly, my partner and I need emotional support. We need people who have read the EQI site. Who understand the importance of listening, caring, not judging. We need people to believe in us. We have both been feeling suicidal several times in the past few months. We were in New Zealand for three months. It is hard to write about what happened there. We came close to dying, separating, suiciding... It is just too hard to write about now.
We are hanging on by a thread. We are both close to giving up. I am afraid she has already given up.
We need almost everything. We need too much. It often seems impossible to meet all of our needs. We are homeless. We have not had a home since we left Montenegro in October of 2010. We travelled to a few countries, staying mostly in hotel rooms. The day before we left for Australia we didn't know where we would sleep when we got there. It turned out that a friend found us a place. But since then that friend and I have had a difficult parting. I felt too judged, disapproved of, lectured to, controlled, advised, invalidated, watched, intimidated, debated with, not understood, not supported. Then I got an email from someone I had hoped to see again here. Someone I had stayed with before, who was once supportive of my ideas and work. It was very discouraging.
Australia is extremely expensive for us - painfully expensive. But we don't know where else to go. New Zealand was also painfully expensive. We had to leave there when our visas ran out. While there I also received discouraging emails from someone I had hoped to see. We are alone in this world. Many people try to help us, but unless they are familiar with what I write about, they don't know how to help us in the way we need it. Some people say things like "Send a message out to the universe saying what you need and the universe will give it to you..." so I am going to give that a try and post this. If I believed in a god I would pray.
Now it is raining hard again. The rain has already taken its toll on us in New Zealand. We tried sleeping in a tent many nights. Countless hours were spent fighting the wind, rain, cold, then drying things out. My partner is tired of it. I am tired of it. We are tired, drained, exhausted physically and emotionally.
We are in Sydney now, btw.
We both need someone to just listen. Someone who cares. Who won't give any advice. But will help us find our own answers.
We are staying in a house full of people now, but there is no one here we can talk to about our situation. Some of them we haven't even met yet. We just came here yesterday because we needed to get away from someone in the place we were staying before.
Now I realize that at least we have a dry place to sleep tonight. I want to thank Emily and Daniel for that. And Ash. And Jirka. And I want to apologize to Jirka. I am sure he doesn't understand why I can't be around him any more. Or I am fairly sure.
I will post this now while I have the energy to...
SH April 29