from LIbrary of Congress How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen
Girls
By Donna Dale Carnegie
Fireside
Copyright © 2005 Donna Dale Carnegie
All right reserved.
ISBN: 0743272773
Chapter One
If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive.
-- Dale Carnegie
Imagine waking up one morning only to discover that every
move you made -- from the clothes you picked out to the
way you greeted your parents and friends to the questions
you answered in class -- was recorded on a giant
scoreboard for everyone to see. Although you realize that
your score is changing how people see you (just like
theirs is changing how you see them), you can't quite
figure out which choices are increasing your tally and
which aren't. In fact, you're beginning to wonder if your
place in the world is decided totally at random. It
sounds like some kind of nightmare, right? Unfortunately,
it's not. Every day, girls find themselves navigating
just such a world: school. There are few times in life
that we find ourselves more aware of divisions like being
in or out, us or them, cool or hopelessly uncool -- and
so constantly reminded of where we fall on the continuum.
A recent study looked at students in grades six through
ten. Among researchers' findings was that nearly 30
percent of students surveyed had experienced bullying,
either as a victim, a perpetrator, or both. As alarmed as
I was to hear this statistic, none of the girls we
interviewed for this book even appeared surprised --
except to say they would have thought the number was
higher. Many of them shared their own experiences,
including Julie, age 14:
There was a girl in my class named Marie that everyone
makes fun of. She's a total perfectionist and always uses
the full hour to take a test that the rest of the class
finishes in ten minutes. She's obsessed with ballet and
all she ever wanted to talk about was her dance classes.
Also, it was kind of the way she looked. I tried to be
nice to her, but I also participated in teasing her. She
laughed at herself and didn't let people know that she
was hurt by what they said about her, but her mom told my
mom that she cried every day after school. When my mom
confronted me about it, I felt terrible. I told her that
I tried sticking up for her, but it was hard. You want
people to like you and I didn't want to become a target
by sticking up for her. I know how horrible that is. I've
been teased before, too....
From Julie's story, we see that she falls into the
"both" category, experiencing teasing both as a
participant and a victim. It seems unbelievable that
someone who knows how horrible it feels to be singled out
and ridiculed could ever take part in doing it to someone
else. But if we look closely at Julie's words, we can see
that she isn't really putting herself in Marie's shoes,
regardless of her past experience. If Julie were truly
empathizing with Marie, she wouldn't be able not to stick
up for her. Rather, Julie is responding to her mom's
criticism. Dale Carnegie once said, "Criticism is
futile. It puts a person on the defensive and usually
makes him strive to justify himself." Or, in this
case, herself.
Actually, he felt so strongly about criticism that he
always taught the following principle first: Don't
criticize, condemn, or complain. It may seem obvious why
we shouldn't follow this path when we look at Julie's
example. She is indulging in all three big Cs:
criticizing Marie, condemning her for her looks and
personality, and complaining that she herself can't do
anything to help. As tempting as it may be to think that
we would never act in such a way, this kind of thinking
is, in itself, a form of criticism. We're not here to
judge Julie. Dale Carnegie believed the following:
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- it
takes character and self-control to be understanding and
forgiving." We can, however, learn from her. We all
know how rotten it feels to be on the receiving end of an
unkind word, but Julie's example also shows us how ugly
it can be to know you've hurt someone else. No one wants
to see themselves as a cruel bully -- or someone too
cowardly to go against the crowd. You don't have to make
the same mistake yourself; by finding ways to be less
critical of others as well as learning how to use
negative energy to your advantage, anyone can learn how
to deal with tough situations.
Giving Up Judgment
In high school it's an everyday occurrence to be present
when someone is being made fun of or gossiped about and
there's probably not a single person who isn't guilty of
it themselves.
-- Lily, R.I.
It's one thing to know we should be empathetic, but it's
another to actually be empathetic. We're not talking
about anything revolutionary here: people have been
telling you all your life to "do unto others as you
would have done to you," right? So why is it so hard
for us to stop and put ourselves in another person's
shoes? Maybe it's because the stereotypes we carry around
in our heads are a sort of security blanket when we get
right down to it. It's a lot easier to make sweeping
assumptions about how jocks are dumb, cheerleaders are
shallow, and members of the chess club are dorks than to
consider each person as an individual -- an individual
who would no more want to be regarded (or disregarded) as
a two-dimensional stereotype than we would. The truth is
that the bullying we see everywhere at school and even in
the workplace would end tomorrow if everyone from age
eight to 108 tried always and honestly to see things from
another person's perspective.
This is not to say that you should give up all the
opinions, ideas, and perspectives that make you
wonderfully, uniquely you. There's a big difference
between judgments or stereotypes and constructive
criticism that comes from a place of genuine goodwill
toward another person. Sound confusing? Look at it this
way: even if some truth exists in your complaints about
people, snapping at them over their faults -- or worse,
humiliating them -- won't get you very far when it comes
to changing their behavior. Dale Carnegie took the
example of the world-famous psychologist B. F. Skinner:
"He proved through his experiments that an animal
rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly
and retain what it learns far more effectively than an
animal punished for bad behavior....Later studies have
shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we
do not make lasting changes and often incur
resentment." Sound crazy? Before you answer, take
this quick quiz to see if you know the difference between
constructive and destructive criticism.
Your best friend shows up at school with a nightmare
haircut. You:
a) Head to the bathroom with her to see if parting her
new 'do differently would make it a little more
flattering.
b) Remind her it will grow out...eventually.
c) Wait until you're in the crowded cafeteria to tell her
she should speed to the mall after school. You hear
there's a big hat sale going on.
You love daisies, but your boyfriend shows up with a
bouquet of roses on your anniversary. You:
a) Gush over the flowers and tell him they're beautiful
-- you can remind him how much you like daisies some
other time.
b) Thank him and tell him that next to daisies, roses are
your favorite.
c) Tell him that if he ever listened to a word you said,
he'd know you adore daisies and think roses are totally
cliché.
Your tone-deaf sister plans to audition for the high
school musical. You:
a) Invite your musically gifted friend over to give her
some quick voice coaching.
b) Suggest she wait and audition for next semester's
(nonmusical) play.
c) Ask her when Les Misérables became a comedy.
Your mom overcooks the roast again. You:
a) Eat it anyway. It won't kill you.
b) Push it around on your plate to make it look like
you've eaten some and sneak a bowl of cereal later.
c) Ask her if she wants you to chip a tooth by continuing
to try to eat this.
There are two truths about criticism: everyone's a critic
(at least occasionally) and no one likes a critic (even
occasionally). Sometimes what we offer as a helpful
observation will come across as a judgment. And, if we
don't choose our words carefully, what we intend as a
constructive criticism can have the impact of a wrecking
ball. But unless you've got a chronic case of
foot-in-mouth disease, such misfires should be genuine
miscommunications and shouldn't happen very often. So, if
people routinely flinch before you speak -- and you
answered "b" or "c" to any of the
above -- it may be time to muzzle your inner pit bull.
A good rule of thumb is before you say something harsh,
consider how you would feel if someone said the same
thing to you. Sure, we all get angry. People do and say
insensitive things all the time. But look what happens
when we dish out negativity.
One time a girl in my high school criticized me on what I
was wearing. She said that I looked ugly in it. I reacted
by telling her to shut up and go away. I felt horrible,
ugly, hurt, and angry all at once. I tried to hold in all
my emotions, and all the hurt turned to hate. I hated
her.
-- Beth, 17, Pa.
Ack! We definitely don't want to end up on either side of
this scenario. That's not to say you can never suggest
how others might do things better. It's just that when
you do so, you should find a way to ensure your words are
received in the generous spirit you intended for them.
Before you open your mouth, make sure your intentions
really are generous. Ask yourself:
Is the thing I'm about to criticize something that the
person can or would want to change? (Hint: This pretty
much rules out comments on the way a person looks, talks,
walks, laughs, or dresses. Before you cross into that
territory, check your motive. Why are you saying this?
Your words will likely have zero
benefit to either you or your target, will be needlessly
hurtful, and may cost you a friend or earn you a lasting
enemy.)
Am I about to call attention to something that is
possible or easy to correct?
Could my words possibly deter this person from risky or
negative behavior?
Do I have this person's best interests at heart?
If the answer to any of the above is no, then you can be
sure the best course of action is to keep your comments
to yourself -- at least until you can offer them in a
more productive way.
Use Negative Energy as Rocket Fuel
It may be hardest to resist the three Cs when you're
faced with others' negativity. In your life, you will be
criticized. People will unfairly condemn you for things
you may or may not have thought, said, or done. They'll
complain about you and to you. I guarantee it. As you go
through life, you'll encounter people who seem bent on
dragging you down. You can't control what others say and
do, but you can decide how you will respond. You can
decide whether you'll let others' hurtful words destroy
your mood and torpedo your self-confidence, causing you
to take your pain and anger out not just on your critic
but on everyone around you. Or you can shake off unfair
criticism, put your best foot forward, and prove your
critics wrong.
Atoosa Rubenstein, now the editor in chief of Seventeen,
was only twenty-six when she was appointed to her first
editor in chief position at CosmoGirl. At the time,
Atoosa faced a certain amount of jealousy, especially
from older staff members. To help Atoosa deal with this
response, the editor of Cosmopolitan suggested she'd gain
some favor by reaching out. Rubenstein says: "I sent
an e-mail to two people (one of whom is now the editor in
chief of another magazine) saying, 'You have such great
experience, I respect you so much. I would love to hear
if you have any recommendations for who would be good to
work on my team.' Well, one of the women meant to reply
to the other, but instead she replied to me and wrote
something like, 'Oh, look, the little fashion girl needs
a grammarian.'
"Now, the truth is I really see the good in people,
so I read it but it took me a minute to see what she
meant. Once I did I was really hurt. A minute later she
came barreling down the hall and said, 'I sent you an
e-mail by accident. You don't have to read it. Just
delete it.' She was too late, of course, but I didn't say
a word about it then and I haven't said anything about it
since -- not out of fear, but because I genuinely believe
in always putting out a good vibe. I took that negativity
she threw in my direction and used it as rocket
fuel."
That rocket fuel, says Rubenstein, helped her blast
CosmoGIRL into orbit and make it one of the most popular
teen magazines on the market. The more people criticized
her or questioned her abilities, she explained, the more
determined she was to prove her critics wrong by making
her magazine even better.
You have the same options when you're faced with
criticism, condemnation, or complaining -- whether it's
justified or not. You can counter it with an equally
biting remark, which probably won't improve either your
relationship with the person or the problem at hand, or
you can pause before responding to consider how you can
prove the person wrong through a positive action.
Reality Check
In the past six months, has your boyfriend, one or more
of your friends, family members, or teammates stopped
speaking to you, even temporarily, due to something you
said?
Have you ever embarrassed someone at school or in another
social setting?
Would you describe most of your friends, family members,
teammates, or your boyfriend as overly sensitive?
If you answered yes to any or all of the above, you may
be pushing people away with the three Cs. On a piece of
paper, jot down one or two specific comments you made
recently that seemed to alienate, anger, or offend
someone. What was your motivation? How did the situation
make you feel? How would the situation have changed if
you thought about the other person's perspective first?
Next, think of a time in the last six months when someone
in your life has unfairly criticized, condemned, or
complained about you. What did they say? How did you
react? Did you snap back, or use their negative energy
for rocket fuel? Write down your answers along with an
alternative way you could have handled the situation.
In the Know
Dale Carnegie was passionate about making sure people try
their best not to criticize, condemn, or complain. In
fact, he claimed the most important thing you could take
away from a book like this is "an increased tendency
to think always in terms of other people's point of view
and see things from their angle." If we are truly
empathetic toward other people, we'll stop rushing to
judgment about them and offering empty criticism. And by
using the three Cs in life, we can become more likable,
better friends, and more likely to get what we want from
others.
Copyright © 2005 by Donna Dale Carnegie
|
|