Nonviolent Communication (NVC)[1] includes a simple method for clear,
empathic communication,
consisting of four steps:
observations,
feelings, needs, requests.
NVC aims to find a way for all present to get what really
matters to them without the use of guilt,
humiliation, shame, blame, coercion, or
threats. It is useful for resolving conflicts, connecting with others,
and living in a way that is conscious, present, and attuned to
the genuine, living needs of yourself and others.
1State the observations that are leading you to feel
the need to say something.
These should be purely factual observations, with no
component of judgment or evaluation. For example,
"It's 2:00 a.m. and I hear your stereo playing"
states an observed fact, while "It's way too late to
be making such an awful racket" makes an evaluation.
"I just looked in the refrigerator and saw that
there's no food, and I'm thinking that you didn't go
grocery shopping" states an observed fact (with an
inference explicitly stated), while "You wasted the
whole day" makes an evaluation.
People often disagree about evaluations because they
value things differently, but directly observable facts
provide a common ground for communication.
2 State the feeling that the observation is triggering in
you.State the feeling that the observation is
triggering in you. Or, guess what the other person is
feeling, and ask.
Naming the emotion, without moral judgment, enables you
to connect in a spirit of mutual respect and cooperation.
Perform this step with the aim of accurately identifying
the feeling that you or the other person are experiencing
in that moment, not with the aim of shaming them for
their feeling or otherwise trying to prevent them from
feeling as they do.
For example, "There's half an hour to go before the
show starts, and I see that you're pacing (observation).
Are you nervous?" Or, "I see your dog running
around without a leash and barking (observation).
I'm scared."
3State
the need that is the cause of that feeling.
Or, guess the need that caused the feeling in the
other person, and ask.
When our needs are met, we have happy, positive feelings;
when they are not met, we have negative feelings. By
tuning into the feeling, you can often find the
underlying need. Stating the need, without morally
judging it, gives you both clarity about what is alive in
you or the other person in that moment.
For example, "I see you looking away while I'm
talking, and you've been speaking so quietly, I can't
hear you (observation). I'm feeling uncomfortable (feeling)
because I'm needing connection right now." Or,
"I saw that your name wasn't mentioned in the
acknowledgments. Are you feeling resentful because you're
not getting the appreciation you need?"
Needs have a special meaning in NVC:[3] they are common to all people
and not tied to any particular circumstance or strategy
for fulfilling them. So, wanting to go to a movie with
someone is not a need and a desire to spend time with a
specific person is not a need. The need in that case
might be companionship. You can meet your need for
companionship in many ways, not just with that specific
person and not just by going to a movie.[4]
4 Make a concrete request for
action to meet the need just identified.Make a
concrete request for action to meet the need just
identified.
Ask clearly and specifically for what you want right now,
rather than hinting or stating only what you don't want.
For example, "I notice that you haven't spoken in
the last ten minutes (observation). Are you
feeling bored? (feeling)" If the answer is
yes, you might bring up your own feeling and propose an
action: "Well, I'm bored, too. Hey, how would you
like to go to the Exploratorium?" or perhaps,
"I'm finding these people really interesting to talk
with. How about we meet up in an hour when I'm done
here?"
For the request to really be a request—and not a
demand—allow the other person to say no or propose
an alternative. You take responsibility for getting your
own needs met, and you let them take responsibility for
theirs.
When you do something together, you want it to be because
you both voluntarily consent to it, as a way of
fulfilling your own genuine needs and desires, not out of
guilt or pressure. Sometimes you can find an action that
meets both your needs, and sometimes you just have to
amiably go your separate ways. If you're not ready to ask
in this spirit, that's OK, you probably just need some
more empathy yourself.
Sometimes, a memorized sentence template can help structure
what you need to say:
"Are you feeling ____ because you are needing
____?" Empathize as well as you can to fill in the
blanks, and you'll likely find yourself seeing the
situation as the other person does.
"Are you angry because you are thinking ____?"
Anger is triggered by thoughts, like "I think you
lied" or "I think I deserve a raise more than
so-and-so did." Uncover the thought, and you are on
your way to uncovering the underlying need.
"I am wondering if you are feeling ____" is
another way to empathize, without explicitly asking a
question. The phrasing makes clear that this is your
guess, and not an attempt to analyze the other person or tell
them what they are feeling. So moderate your
statement of feelings or needs with simple words like
"if you might, how about, could this be, maybe,...
"I see ____" or "I am hearing ____"
are ways to state an observation clearly so that the
other person hears it as an observation.
"I am thinking ____" is a way to express a
thought so it is heard as a thought, which is capable of
changing as you get new information or ideas.
"Would you be willing to ____?" is a clear way
to make a request.
"Would you like it if I ____?" is a way to
offer to help fulfill a need just identified, while
leaving the other person still responsible for their own
need.
A complete template for all
four steps could go: "I see ____. I am feeling ____
because I am needing ____. Would you be willing to
____?" Or, "I see ____. Are you feeling ____
because you are needing ____?" followed by
"Would it meet your need if I ____?" or a
statement of your own feeling and need followed by a
request.
Inbal Kashtan demonstrates a parent empathizing
with a child who has been saying no to picking up their clothes.
About the puppets: The giraffe symbolizes communicating in the
empathic spirit of NVC, and the jackal symbolizes speaking or
hearing in a judgmental or demanding way.
The above examples and templates are formal NVC: a
way of speaking that makes each of the four steps
completely explicit. Formal NVC is helpful for learning
NVC and in situations where misunderstanding is likely.
In everyday practice, you would likely use colloquial
NVC, where you use informal language and depend
heavily on context to communicate the same information.
For example, if you're with a friend as his bosses meet
right after his performance review, you might say,
"You're pacing, Dave. Nervous?" rather than the
less natural-sounding, "When I see you pacing, Dave,
I'm wondering if you feel nervous because you want to
keep your job so that you can meet your needs for
sustenance and shelter?"
You can use the same four steps yourself to get clarity
about your own needs and choose action intelligently. For
example, if you're in a situation where you're upset, one
approach is to berate yourself or others: "These
people are idiots! Don't they know they're ruining this
whole project with their narrow-mindedness?"
Nonviolent self-talk might go something like this:
"The other engineers were not convinced. I don't
think they heard my case. I'm feeling upset because I'm
not getting listened to the way I need. I want the
respect that comes with getting the reasons for my design
heard, and my design accepted. Now how can I get that
respect? Maybe not from this team. Or maybe I could meet
with some of the engineers one-on-one, when conversation
is not so heated, and see where things go from
there."
As simple as NVC is, it can be much harder to put into
practice than it looks. Read the book, attend a workshop
or two, try it out in your own life and see what you
learn. Make mistakes, see what went wrong, and try out
what you've learned next time. In time, it flows
naturally. It helps enormously to see it demonstrated by
someone who is already good at it. There's a wealth of
material about NVC beyond the four steps: ways of dealing
with specific kinds of difficult situations (children,
spouses, work situations, street gangs, countries at war,
violent criminals, drug addicts), deeper ideas about
needs vs. strategies and other key distinctions,
alternatives to dominance, choosing among empathy for
someone else, empathy for yourself, or expressing
yourself,[5] cultures where Nonviolent
Communication is the normal style, and more.
Avoid saying "You made me feel ____", "I
feel ____ because you did ____," and especially,
"You're making me angry." These put
responsibility for your feelings on the other person, and
they skip identifying the need that is the true cause of
your feeling. An alternative: "When you did ____, I
felt ____ because I needed ____." On the other hand,
as noted earlier, if less-explicit phrasing is
communicating your needs just fine, without making one
person responsible for another person's feelings, then
it's not necessary to spell things out so fully.
You might not always guess what someone is actually
feeling or needing when empathizing. The fact that you
are listening and want to understand, without criticizing
or judging or analyzing or advising or arguing, will
quite often lead them to open up more so that you have a
better or different sense of what is
going on. Genuine interest in the feelings and needs that
are driving each other's actions will lead you someplace
new, someplace that you can't predict before you have
that understanding. Often you can help someone else open
up by first honestly sharing your own feelings and needs.
NVC can be helpful even if the other person doesn't
practice it or know anything about it. You can practice
it unilaterally and get results. Although the NVC website
charges for their training, they have many free beginning
resources, free audio and online courses, etc., to get
you started; at the "NVC Academy" link below.
When someone speaks to you in the language of
condemnation, name-calling, or dominance, you can always hear
what they say as an expression of their unmet needs.
"You klutz! Shut up and sit down!" is likely an
expression of an unmet need for elegance and beauty in
motion. "You are such a lazy loafer. You are really
making me angry!" could be an expression of their
unmet need for efficiency or for helping others
contribute their talents to life. You'll have to find
out.
In NVC, "needs" are not things that you
must-have-or-else: a need is not an excuse to say
"you have to do this, because it's my need."
Empathy is not a mechanical process. Just saying certain
words is not enough. You want to genuinely tune into the
other person's emotions and needs, see the situation as
they do. "Empathy is where we connect our attention,
our consciousness. It's not what you say out loud."[6] Sometimes it can help to imagine
how you might feel in their situation. Listen past their
words: what's really alive in them, what matters that's
leading to their action or words?
In a highly emotional situation, showing empathy for one
feeling will often draw out more feelings, many of them
negative. When this happens, just keep empathizing.
For example, a roommate might say, "You put my
sweater in the dryer and now it's ruined! You're a
careless slob!" You might answer with empathy:
"I hear that you're feeling upset because you're
thinking that I'm not careful enough with your
things." You might get an answer like, "You
don't think about anyone but yourself!" Just keep
empathizing: "Are you feeling angry because you're
needing more care and consideration than I've been giving
you?"
Depending on the intensity of emotion and how poor
communication was in the past, you may have to go a
number of rounds before you get a response like,
"Yes! That's exactly what I mean! You don't
care!" At this point, you can bring up new facts
("Actually, I didn't run the dryer today") or
apologize or propose new action, like some way for your
roommate to know that you do care.
Do not attempt to argue with an angry person, just hear
them out. Once you have understood their genuine feelings
and needs and shown them that you have heard them
non-judgmentally, they may become ready to hear yours.
And then you can search for specific action to take which
benefits you both.
The basic technique is to first connect emotionally to
identify each other's needs, then work out a solution or
bring up reasons to understand things differently. Going
straight to problem-solving or argument usually leaves
people feeling not listened to or leads them to dig in
their heels even more.