july ? maybe 12th
There is so much I want to say. I am in so much pain. It is coming from so many different sources.

Cause and effect. If you hit me, I feel pain. The cause is you hitting me. But of course, something "caused" you to want to hit me.

Maybe someone told you to. Like someone tells a solider to shoot.

In a firing squad, someone gives the command, "FIRE!" and those with the rifles obediently shoot.

So it could be a command. Or it could be a belief. Such as "You are fighting for freedom ... to protect your loved ones.. for the glory of your country, God... " etc.

But that is not what I wanted to write about today - at about 7 AM.

What would motivate me or energize me to start writing so early?

I am not feeling depressed. I am feeling energized. If you don't know how I use that word you can read about it on my pages on anger.xx

 
xx

Waste - Waste is not sustainable.

We live in a wasteful world.

More specifically we live in an emotionally wasteful world. Actually it is not fair to say "world." It is our culture, our societies I refer to.

They are emotionally unsustainable. That is my belief.

We have emotionally unsustainable beliefs, customs, traditions, values.

And I include religious and most "spirtitual" beliefs and values.

 
july 14

i am in so much pain - i am so sad. so emotionally exhausted/empty.

-

eba and suicide

bank account - too many debts - u declare bankrupcty - then u get some help

it really does seem helpful - your owners/masters tell others joe is bankrupt. leave him alone. we are in charge of his money for a while now. talk to us.

but when u are emotionally bankrupt - no one does that.

some pple might believe if i kill myself i will get another chance in another life - but i dont believe that

so.... im not sure how the analagy or whatever it is works with suicide. but i am pretty sure my account is negative. maybe suicide is when u dont see any possibility for it ever getting back to positive or even zero. i think id be satisfied with a zero balance right now. maybe that would mean no pain and no pleasure.

gabriel had a gun. i was told he put it inside his mouth and pulled the trigger.

i dont have a gun. would i have pulled the trigger by now? i really dont know

pple - some pple- are surprised when they find out how much pain i am in - how suicidal - some ask me if i write all this stuff myself - or how i learned so much

answer - from suffering

from life

from reading

from living - paying attention, thinking, feeling

asking questions.

not being satisfied with a lot if not most of the answers

how long would u think about something that is not important to you? probably not long?

so how long would u think about something that is very important to you? probably a long time - or till u came up with "a solution"

how do u know when something is important? answer: your feelings tell you

you feel sad so you think about why u feel sad

i think a lot

some pple also think a lot about something they want, maybe something they want to create or build. that is a different feeling. different motivation. me, most of the time i think about things which are causing me pain. or a lot of the time. an imbalance. a painful imbalance. but they are important to me. distraction doesnt work very well because when i wake up during the night ... there it is again. the pain. the thought of suicide

and all the thoughts and memories, they go round and round - like a washing machine or dryer. why do we call it the washing maching and the dryer? and not the washer and dryer? sometimes i guess we do. but we never say the drying machine.

i thought sofie would be helpful to have around.

i was wrong

another illusion. painful illusion

she said she just wanted to meet me after hearing "all my crazy stories"

she said "what are you doing?" when i was digging up a big weed with thistles. she said it in more of a judgmental tone than curious.

she would probably deny that

she couldnt figure out why i was cleaning things up out back. lol

she couldnt figure out why i wanted people to help me. wow

p knows how much i want to do. she has seen me, heard me. so many times. in so much pain because i cant get someone to help me - not here in uruguay. not online.

so fuck it

i will be a hermit i guess - like p wants to be. how sad. how very very sad

but i will buy the land. this time i actually am buying it. in case she wants to come back. with or without her girlfriend haha

i thought the idea was we were all going to care about each other. how did i get left out? what happened? how did everything go so wrong?

short answer - we are all tn

tn=too needy