A Purpose

Those are the words that just touched me. A purpose.

She said "I won't kill myself. I have a purpose now."

A purpose.

*tears

That is it. That is the key.

When nothing else keeps you going.

When you feel so discouraged. So alone. So hopeless. So completely not understood.

When there is no one to reassure you. No one to comfort you. No one to hold you while you cry.

When you feel like the smallest thing is just too much to do. When the smallest problem or obstacle seems insurmountable. When you feel defeated, drained.

When you think of giving up. When you just have no more energy. When it all becomes too much.

When you want everything to stop.

Just to stop.

Because you need a break. A rest. You need time to regain strength.

But where does your strength come from... when you feel totally alone.

Maybe, just maybe, this website will help you feel less alone. Suddenly. Like a light turning on in the darkness.

People write to me and tell me that my website saved their life, that it has given them some hope, helped them feel less alone.

They write to me and tell me that the feel comforted by my site. They say it helps them feel better somehow. I guess because it helps them understand.

They say things like "nothing else makes sense except your website."

And they are the pple who need to understand. And need to be understood.

But they feel confused. Tormented. Yes, confused and perplexed and frustrated to the point it becomes tormenting. It becomes painful.

Some people will not and will never understand how someone can feel such pain or even any pain from not understanding.

But we understand. If you are understanding this, then you are one of "US". We are not actually totally alone. We feel alone though. And this hurts us along with so many other unmet emotional needs we have.

But let me return to the word purpose. Purpose. Like a goal. This makes sense to me. A lot of sense.

I am traveling now in Morocco. A strange country for me. Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed. I just want to rest. I get discouraged. Things seem just too difficult. A relatively small things seems "insurmountable", as I said. I feel so titred, so drained. So discouraged. It could be just a small thing like missing a bus. We did miss a bus the other day. It was like the most important thing in my life to me. I got so stressed. Then depressed. But it was just missing a bus.

Things turned out ok. But at the time, it seemed so important.

But what if I had remembered my purpose. My goal.

Would it matter if I had missed that bus? Probably not. Actually I am not even sure what my purpose is. I question it. I ask "why am I here?" "Why have I suffered so much? "Why me?"

Sometimes one letter helps remind me.

The other day someone said, "You guys are the best." She is 13.

Today someone said "I have a purpose now".

But yet my goal isn't so clear to me. Okay, it is to help pple, Make the world a better place as they say. Help reduce suffering, like Buddah I guess. Or Siddartha.

But it is still not clear enough to me. I feel lost sometimes. Often. Literally not sure which direction to go. Who do I help? Who don't I help? Who do I say "I'm sorry... I just don't have the time.." to? It hurts to not be able to help everyone. I try so hard to. But its not possible. I feel bad when I can't help someone. Like the person who wrote the other day. I am not satisfied with what \I wrote to him. I am sure he will feel discarded, unimportant, rejected, not cared about. So I will find his letter and write him again.

But now I am distracted from my goal of writing about goals.

When I was in Peru once I was helping someone build a youth center. We were walking through the crowded, noisy market streets. I asked him if the noise bothered him. He said, "No, because I am focussing on my goal."

This makes sense. If you know where you are going, you just keep focussing on that. You don't let small or even things stop you. They might temporarily stop you or set you back, but you still know where you want to go.

I can tell you that when I want to get to Paris, when I have a strong incentive to get there, like to see someone I love, someone who has pretty much saved my life so many times with her love, caring, understanding, patience, when I have that motivation, I will get to Paris.

Of course getting to Paris is relatively easy. Easier than getting to Marakesh here in Morocco! But, after 3 or 4 days, we did make it to Marakesh. And as Cara says, "In the end, Rome was built."

Thank you Cara for being one of my inspirations. And she said something else recently. She is so good at putting words together. Her words touch me. I guess mine touch some pple. X says that I underestimate myself. Maybe so. Only time will tell I guess if my words make much of a real difference in the world. I know they make a difference to individuals at times... but anyhow... I just want to end this with the reminder.. of the importance of a goal. A purpose.

I have heard pple say, If you don't know what your purpose is or your mission, then make it your mission to find it. That seems ok to me.

I still don't know exactly what mine is. But I am reminded now that if a person has a clear goal or purpose, they can lift themselves up after a much needed rest and they can get back on track to reaching that goal or purpose.

I need a lot of rest. I feel drained a lot. Sometimes I really think I can't keep doing this. That it is just too much for me physically. We have no vacation. We have no days off. The emails just keep coming in, every day. Non stop. Yesterday I felt a little out of control of my life. Like when I had the hostel and the doorbell or the phone would keep ringing. It is funny now. But it was killing me then. I was mentally and physically exhausted. It was taking a big toll on my relationship.

Anyhow, after a rest I always find some energy again. X helps me a lot. Just by listening, understanding, caring. I can feel so low, then just start talking to her and my energy will come back as if by some kind of magic.

I don't really understand the chemical process which takes place in the body and the brain, but I know it does happen. It has happened twice at least this week.

Okay. That's enough writing now. Thank you for reading.

S.
November 3, 2010
Setatt, Morocco