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Four Words

Four words no one in my family ever said to me...

Yesterday I heard four words from the hotel owner, Marco. Four words my family... no one in my family...has ever said to me. He said this:

You are very important.

He told me this after I told him why I couldn't talk the other day. I had walked past him in some kind of trance, trying to find a female named Liuvi who I thought would help me. And then when I saw her on the street, by chance or maybe something more than chance, I couldnīt talk to her either. No words would come out of my mouth. I was going to call her, but I knew I wouldnīt be able to talk, so I was going to just call her and let her answer, then explain later the next day. I had the coin in my hand. Then she and her sister walked into the store where I was standing by the payphone with the coin in my hand to call her. They looked at me and could see something was wrong. They asked what was wrong, but I couldnīt talk. They didnīt know what to do, so they left.

So I was telling him about all of this and I told him the reason I couldnīt talk was because I had been feeling suicidal and detached from the world. I told him that I had been laying in the bed upstairs thinking about cutting my head off, and that I think about this often because that is where the pain is coming from. Then he said the four words:

You are very important.


A hotel owner.

In some little city in Peru, South America.

Who has known me for four days.

He said I am very important.

Why didn't my family ever say this?

Why didn't they give me this message?

Why didn't I feel important when I was growing up?

So I would suffer the pain needed to write this today, November 1, 2004, at age 47?

Quien sabe? Who knows?


S. Hein
November 1, 2004

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