EQI.org Home | Active Listening Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson |
Other EQI.org Topics: Emotional Intelligence | Empathy |
s1
ACTIVE LISTENING
by Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson
Excerpt from Communicating in Business Today
R.G. Newman, M.A. Danzinger, M. Cohen (eds)
D.C. Heath & Company, 1987
Active listening does not necessarily mean long sessions spent
listening to grievances, personal or
otherwise. It is simply a way of approaching those problems which
arise out of the usual day-to-day
events of any job.
To be effective, active listening must be firmly grounded in
the basic attitudes of the user. We cannot
employ it as a technique if our fundamental attitudes are in
conflict with its basic concepts. If we try, our
behavior will be empty and sterile, and our associates will be
quick to recognize this. Until we can
demonstrate a spirit which genuinely respects the potential worth
of the individual, which considers his
sights and trusts his capacity for sell-direction, we cannot
begin to be effective listeners.
What We Achieve by Listening
Active listening is an important way to bring about changes in
people. Despite the popular notion that
listening is a passive approach, clinical and research evidence
clearly shows that sensitive listening is a
most effective agent for individual personality change and group
development. Listening brings about
changes in peoples attitudes toward themselves and others; it
also brings about changes in their basic
values and personal philosophy. People who have been listened to
in this new and special way become
more emotionally mature, more open to their experiences, less
defensive, more democratic, and less
authoritarian.
When people are listened to sensitively, they tend to listen to
themselves with more care and to make
clear exactly what they are feeling and thinking. Group members
tend to listen more to each other, to
become less argumentative, more ready to incorporate other points
of view. Because listening reduces
the threat of having ones ideas criticized, the person is
better able to see them for what they are and is
more likely to feel that his contributions are worthwhile.
Not the least important result of listening is the change that
takes place within the listener himself.
Besides providing more information than any other activity,
listening builds deep, positive relationships
and tends to alter constructively the attitudes of the listener.
Listening is a growth experience.
These, then, are some of the worthwhile results we can expect
from active listening. But how do we go
about this kind of listening? How do we become active listeners?
How to Listen
Active listening aims to bring about changes in people. To
achieve this end, it relies upon definite
techniquesthings to do and things to avoid doing. Before
discussing these techniques, however, we
should first understand why they are effective. To do so, we must
understand how the individual
personality develops.
The Growth of the Individual
Through all of our lives, from early childhood on, we have
learned to think of ourselves in certain very
definite ways. We have built up pictures of ourselves. Sometimes
these self-pictures are pretty realistic,
but at other times they are not. For example, an overage,
overweight lady may fancy herself a youthful,
ravishing siren, or an awkward teen-ager regard himself as a star
athlete. All of us have experiences
which fit the way we need to think about ourselves. These we
accept. But it is much harder to accept
experiences which dont fit. And sometimes if it is very
important for us to hang on to this self-picture, we
dont accept or admit these experiences at all.
These self-pictures are not necessarily attractive. A man, for
example, may regard himself as
incompetent and worthless. He may feel that he is doing his job
poorly in spite of favorable appraisals by
the company. As long as he has these feelings about himself, he
must deny any experiences which would
seem not to fit this self-picturein this case any that
might indicate to him that he is competent. It is so
necessary for him to maintain this self-picture that he is
threatened by anything which would tend to
change it. Thus, when the company raises his salary, it may seem
to him only additional proof that he is
a fraud. He must hold onto this self-picture, because, bad or
good, its the only thing he has by which he
can identify himself.
This is why direct attempts to change this individual or
change his self-picture are particularly
threatening. He is forced to defend himself or to completely deny
the experience. This denial of
experience and defense of the self-picture tend to bring on
rigidity of behavior and create difficulties in
personal adjustment.
The active-listening approach, on the other hand, does not
present a threat to the individuals selfpicture.
He does not have to defend it. He is able to explore it, see it
for what it is, and make his own
decision about how realistic it is. And he is then in a position
to change.
If I want to help a man reduce his defensiveness and become
more adaptive, I must try to remove the
threat of myself as his potential changer. As long as the
atmosphere is threatening, there can be no
effective communication. So I must create a climate which is
neither critical, evaluative, nor moralizing. It
must be an atmosphere of equality and freedom, permissiveness and
understanding, acceptance and
warmth. It is in this climate and this climate only that the
individual feels safe enough to incorporate new
experiences and new values into his concept of himself.
Lets see how active listening helps to create this
climate.
What to Avoid
When we encounter a person with a problem our usual response
is to try to change his way of looking at
thingsto get him to see his situation the way we see it or
would like him to see it. We plead, reason,
scold, encourage, insult, prodanything to bring about a
change in the desired direction, that is, in the
direction we want him to travel. What we seldom realize, however,
is that, under these circumstances,
we are usually responding to our own needs to see the world in
certain ways. It is always difficult for us
to tolerate and understand actions which are different from the
ways in which we believe we should act.
If, however, we can free ourselves from the need to influence and
direct others in our own paths, we
enable ourselves to listen with understanding and thereby employ
the most potent available agent of
change.
One problem the listener faces is that of responding to
demands for decisions, judgments, and
evaluations. He is constantly called upon to agree or disagree
with someone or something. Yet, as he
well knows, the question or challenge frequently is a masked
expression of feelings or needs which the
speaker is far more anxious to communicate than he is to have the
surface questions answered. Because
he cannot speak these feelings openly, the speaker must disguise
them to himself and to others in an
acceptable form.
Passing judgment, whether critical or favorable, makes free
expression difficult. Similarly, advice and
information are almost always seen as efforts to change a person
and thus serve as barriers to his self-expression
and the development of a creative relationship. Moreover, advice
is seldom taken, and
information hardly ever utilized. The eager young trainee
probably will not become patient just because
he is advised that the road to success in business is a
long, difficult one, and you must be patient. And
it is no more helpful for him to learn that only one out of
a hundred trainees reaches a top management
position." Interestingly, it is a difficult lesson to learn
that positive evaluations are sometimes as blocking
as negative ones. It is almost as destructive to the freedom of a
relationship to tell a person that he is
good or capable or right, as to tell him otherwise. To evaluate
him positively may make it more difficult
for him to tell of the faults that distress him or the ways in
which he believes he is not competent.
Encouragement also may be seen as an attempt to motivate the
speaker in certain directions or hold him
off, rather than as support. Im sure everything will
work out O.K. is not a helpful response to the
person who is deeply discouraged about a problem. In other words,
most of the techniques and devices
common to human relationships are found to be of little use in
establishing the type of relationship we
are seeking here.
What to Do
Just what does active listening entail, then? Basically, it
requires that we get inside the speaker, that we
grasp, from his point of view, just what it is he is
communicating to us. More than that, we must convey
to the speaker that we are seeing things from his point of view.
To listen actively, then, means that there
are several things we must do.
Listen for Total Meaning.
Any message a person tries to get across usually has two
components: the
content of the message and the feeling or attitude underlying
this content. Both are important; both give
the message meaning. It is this total meaning of the message that
we try to understand. For example, a
machinist comes to his foreman and says, Ive finished
that lathe setup. This message has obvious
content and perhaps calls upon the foreman for another work
assignment, Suppose, on the other hand,
that he says, Well, Im finally finished with that
damned lathe setup. The content is the same, but the
total meaning of the message has changed - and changed in an
important way for both the foreman and
the worker. Here sensitive listening can facilitate the
relationship. Suppose the foreman were to respond
by simply giving another work assignment. Would the employee feel
that he had gotten his total message
across? Would he feel free to talk to his foreman? Will he feel
better about his job, more anxious to do
good work on the next assignment?
Now, on the other hand, suppose the foreman were to respond
with, Glad to have it over with, huh? or
Had a pretty rough time of it? or "I guess you
dont feel like doing anything like that again, or
anything
else that tells the worker that he heard and understands. It
doesnt necessarily mean that the next work
assignment need be changed or that he must spend an hour
listening to the worker complain about the
setup problems he encountered. He may - do a number of things
differently in the light of the new
information he has from the workerbut not necessarily. Its
just that extra sensitivity on the part of the
foreman which can transform an average working climate into a
good one.
Respond to Feelings.
In some instances, the content is far less important than the
feeling which underlies
it. To catch the full flavor or meaning of the message, one must
respond particularly to the feeling
component. If, for instance, our machinist had said,
Id like to melt this lathe down and make paper clips
out of it, responding to content would be obviously absurd.
But to respond to his disgust or anger in
trying to work with his lathe recognizes the meaning of this
message. There are various shadings of
these components in the meaning of any message. Each time, the
listener must try to remain sensitive to
the total meaning the message has to the speaker. What is he
trying to tell me? What does this mean to
him? How does he see this situation?
Note All Cues.
Not all communication is verbal. The speakers words
alone dont tell us everything he is
communicating. And hence, truly sensitive listening requires that
we become aware of several kinds of
communication besides verbal. The way in which a speaker
hesitates in his speech can tell us much about
his feelings. So, too, can the inflection of his voice. He may
stress certain points loudly and clearly and
may mumble others. We should also note such things as the
persons facial expressions, body posture,
hand movements, eye movements, and breathing. All of these help
to convey his total message.
What We Communicate by Listening
The first reaction of most people when they consider listening
as a possible method for dealing with
human beings is that listening cannot be sufficient in itself.
Because it is passive, they feel, listening does
not communicate anything to the speaker. Actually, nothing could
be farther from the truth.
By consistently listening to a speaker, you are conveying the
idea that: Im interested in you as a
person, and I think that what you feel is important. I respect
your thoughts, and even if I dont agree
with them, I know that they are valid for you. I feel sure that
you have a contribution to make. Im not
trying to change you or evaluate you. I just want to understand
you. I think youre worth listening to,
and I want you to know that Im the kind of a person you can
talk to.
The subtle but more important aspect of this is that it is the
demonstration of the message that works.
While it is most difficult to convince someone that you respect
him by telling him so, you are much more
likely to get this message across by really behaving that
wayby actually having and demonstrating
respect for this person. Listening does this most effectively.
Like other behavior, listening behavior is contagious. This
has implications for all communication
problems, whether between two people or within a large
organization. To ensure good communication
between associates up and down the line, one must first take the
responsibility for setting a pattern of
listening. Just as one learns that anger is usually met with
anger, argument with argument, and
deception with deception, one can learn that listening can be met
with listening. Every person who feels
responsibility in a situation can set the tone of the
interaction, and the important lesson in this is that any
behavior exhibited by one person will eventually be responded to
with similar behavior in the other
person
It is far more difficult to stimulate constructive behavior in
another person but far more profitable.
Listening is one of these constructive behaviors, but if
ones attitude is to wait out the speaker rather
than really listen to him, it will fail. The one who consistently
listens with understanding, however, is the
one who eventually is most likely to be listened to. If you
really want to be heard and understood by
another, you can develop him as a potential listener, ready for
new ideas, provided you can first develop
yourself in these ways and sincerely listen with understanding
and respect.
Because understanding another person is actually far more
difficult than it at first seems, it is important
to test constantly your ability to see the world in the way the
speaker sees it. You can do this by
reflecting in your own words what the speaker seems to mean by
his words and actions. His response to
this will tell you whether or not he feels understood. A good
rule of thumb is to assume that you never
really understand until you can communicate this understanding to
the others satisfaction.
Here is an experiment to test your skill in listening. The
next time you become involved in a lively or
controversial discussion with another person, stop for a moment
and suggest that you adopt this ground
rule for continued discussion:
Before either participant in the discussion can make a point
or express an opinion of his own, he must
first restate aloud the previous point or position of the other
person. This restatement must be in his own
words (merely parroting the words of another does not prove that
one has understood, but only that he
has heard the words). The restatement must be accurate enough to
satisfy the speaker before the
listener can be allowed to speak for himself.
This is something you could try in your own discussion group.
Have someone express himself on some
topic of emotional concern to the group. Then, before another
member expresses his own feelings and
thought, he must rephrase the meaning expressed by the previous
speaker to that individuals
satisfaction. Note the changes in the emotional climate and in
the quality of the discussion when you try
this.
Problems in Active Listening
Active listening is not an easy skill to acquire. It demands
practice. Perhaps more important, it may
require changes in our own basic attitudes. These changes come
slowly and sometimes with considerable
difficulty. Let us look at some of the major problems in active
listening and what can be done to
overcome them.
To be effective at all in active listening, one must have a
sincere interest in the speaker. We all live in
glass houses as far as our attitudes are concerned. They always
show through. And if we are only making
a pretense of interest in the speaker. he will quickly pick this
up, either consciously or unconsciously. And
once he does, he will no longer express himself freely.
Active listening carries a strong element of personal risk. If
we manage to accomplish what we are
describing here to sense deeply the feeling of another
person, to understand the meaning his
experiences have for him, to see the world as he sees it
we risk being changed ourselves
To get the
meaning which life has for him we risk coming to see the
world as he sees it. It is threatening to give
up, even momentarily, what we believe and start thinking in
someone elses terms. It takes a great deal
of inner security and courage to be able to risk ones self
in understanding another.
We are so accustomed to viewing ourselves in certain ways
to seeing and hearing only what we want to
see and hear that it is extremely difficult for a person
to free himself from his needs to see things these
ways. To do this may sometimes be unpleasant, but it is far more
difficult than unpleasant.
Developing an attitude of sincere interest in the speaker is
thus no easy task. It can be developed only by
being willing to risk seeing the world from the speakers
point of view. If we have a number of such
experiences, however, they will shape an attitude which will
allow us to be truly genuine in our interest in
the speaker.
Carl R. Rogers & Richard E. Farson
excerpt from ACTIVE LISTENING
Communicating in Business Today
R.G. Newman, M.A. Danzinger, M. Cohen (eds)
D.C. Heath & Company, 1987
--
...is a masked expression of feelings or needs which the
speaker is far more anxious to communicate than he is to have the
surface questions answered. Because
he cannot speak these feelings openly, the speaker must disguise
them to himself and to others in an
acceptable form.