Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com

In a city called Tarija, Bolivia.
Been thinking about Jess, Jen, Jack, David, Peter, Evo, Jesus.

I will write about Jess later, but for now, just to whet your appetites and keep you in suspense, I have been talking (emailing) Jess from the book Saving Jessie. Or at least I believe it is really her. If you read my April update to that page you will see she wrote me a hostile, hurtful letter. I wrote her back a letter to provoke her, and she wrote me recently saying my provoking worked. Now we are becoming good friends! Go figure!

About Jen. Jen told me the other day that her housemistress was a good housemistress and the best one in their school. After what Jen has told me about her in the past I thought “That is like saying someone who has many times is the best prison guard in the prison. I will probably expand on that sometime. But now I want to write about Jack, David, Peter, Evo and Jesus.

Jack is Jack Mayer. David is David Caruso. Peter is Peter Salovey. Evo is Evo Morales – the new president of Bolivia. Jesus… well, I am going to assume you know who I mean! He is kind of like Ghandi and Prince - people you know by just one name!

Here in Bolivia Evo is kind of like that actually.
Evo recently nationalized the petroleum industry here. A lot of Bolivians are pretty proud of him for that. I am not sure myself if that was a good move economically for the country, but politically it sure was.

In some ways I respect him for what he did. I can understand that he feels offended that foreign corporations are using Bolivian resources and taking money out of Bolivia. One report states that about 80 percent of the profits were going overseas. I can understand that this would seem like an injustice to many Bolivians. On the other hand my business background, my years in business school, getting my MBA, having my own business, defending capitalism among my family members – all of this influences me to feel skeptical that nationalization is economically smart for a country. I also talked to a retired man from Holland who has worked something like 20 years in South America and he told me that in the past nationalization of businesses in South America has only caused those businesses to become much more unproductive.

In any case, I respect Evo because it is a risky move. If it works economically, he will surely be a hero, even more than he is now with the poor people here. But if it fails his political career may well be over.

But what I respect him more for is because in all the pictures I have seen of him, I have never yet seen him wearing a tie.

Please think about that for a moment. He is meeting with other foreign presidents this week in Europe. There are pictures of him with all the other presidents. He is the only one, male that is, who is not wearing a tie.

Now I remind you of the question I have asked many people here in South America: Do you think Jesus would wear a tie?

Children quickly say “no.” Adults, on the other hand, often have to think about it and often hesitate or can’t give me a definite answer.

Now let me tie this to Jack, David and Peter. I am not going to write much about this right now. I have a lot more I want to say about their work, and what they call their test of emotional intelligence.

I will just say that the other day I took a look at Jack’s website. And I also read a recent article co-authored by Peter. And I feel discouraged and disillusioned by what I saw. I feel less respect and admiration for them now. Basically, they seem to be moving closer towards what I might call a “conformist’s” definition of emotional intelligence. I could call it some other things, and I have in the past, but I plan to write about all of that later.

I will also say a little more about what I saw on Jack’s website. On one page he describes what he, David and Peter think of as an emotionally intelligent person. They say things like, according to them, an emotionally intelligent person gets along with everyone and doesn’t do anything unhealthy like smoke or use drugs.

I feel personally offended by this, not because I smoke or do drugs, but because a) I don’t get along with everyone and I believe that to get along with everyone means you have to be either emotionally dishonest or emotionally out of touch with your own true feelings – something which could occur for several reasons. And I feel offended because b) I personally know people who do many unhealthy things, such as using drugs, who I consider to be very emotionally intelligent. These people are all very intelligent and very sensitive….and in a lot of emotional pain, and live in emotionally unsupportive and invalidating environments.

Sometimes they are even suicidal.

This leads me to something else. I am very honestly worried by what I saw on Jack’s website. I worry about what would happen if a suicidal teenager who reads what he has written, or who hears someone say that “if you use drugs or are depressed then you are not emotionally intelligent.” (Though Jack did not say this in so many words, a teacher, psychologist, or parent could easily make this interpretation)

I am afraid a suicidal teenager, who is already confused about their feelings and who is being told or led to believe there is something wrong with them, will take this message very personally. They will not only “take it to heart” but they will record it in their already tragically low self-image. I am afraid it will be another contributing factor to them feeling worthless, hopeless and rejected. These are the kinds of feelings which lead to teen suicide. So I am afraid that by Jack, David and Peter’s latest writing, there will be more teen suicide, not less. This troubles me deeply, so as their model of emotional intelligence suggests I am going to give some priority to my feelings about it and do more writing about it in the future.

I still agree with much of the four branch model of EI proposed by Jack and Peter in their 1997 article. But what I am seeing more clearly now is that I strongly disagree with their ideas about emotional intelligence and emotional management.

I believe emotional management is much more a factor of one’s environment and upbringing than of their innate emotional intelligence. This is basically the nature vs. nurture argument which has caused so much controversy in the area of general intelligence.

Jack, without realizing it I am afraid, has now opened the field of EI up to this same kind of controversy. I feel sad about that. There is already enough misunderstanding and controversy about what EI is. This will only make things worse.

In Jack and Peter’s original work, they were much more careful in avoiding making these kinds of statements. They were also more careful in saying that they were only hypothesizing about what EI might be. Now they seem to be feeling more self-assured or even self-righteous about their work.

Jack is basing his statements on results from the MSCEIT test. But do not agree that their MSCEIT test is good test of emotional intelligence. The test might have certain statistical qualities which make it a “good” test according definitions used by psychologists, but to me this still does not make it a “good” test of emotional intelligence.

To me, the MSCEIT has some of the same problems BarOn’s Eqi test has. It might have all kinds of predictive abilities, but we still don’t know if it is actually testing emotional intelligence.

For example, either test might predict who will make a good soldier or life insurance salesman, but does this make the tests good tests of emotional intelligence?

In my opinion, calling a test a test of emotional intelligence, and then proving that is statistically valid and makes real-life predictions, still does not make it a test of emotional intelligence.

I am absolutely positive that I could create a statistically valid test which makes accurate and reliable real-life predictions about who would be “successful” in certain things. And I could call it a test of “emotional intelligence”. Or I could call it a test of “emotional health”. Or I could call it a test of “emotional skills”. Or I could call it a test of “socially and emotionally intelligent behavior”. And I could surely get someone to sell the test and write convincing marketing propaganda for it. And I could set up certification programs and invite consultants to come to my workshops and then give them certificates saying they are qualified to administer my tests.

And I could create a website saying that I had this new test of emotional whatever. And I could go on a speaking tour and get reporters to write about me and my test. And soon other people would be quoting things second- and third-hand about my test. And I could be famous and I could be rich. And I could be “successful.”

But none of this would guarantee that my test was actually a test of whatever I wanted to call it.

On his site Jack talks about how the MSCEIT test is measuring something different than other tests measure. He says that the MSCEIT test is not just another personality test and he gives us evidence to show that.

To this I say “fine.” That’s great, as David Caruso says. But it still does not mean you are testing emotional intelligence. You can call it that, but that doesn’t mean you are calling it the right thing.

Just because Jack, David and Peter have called their test a test of emotional intelligence does not mean that it would not be more accurate to call it a test of emotional conformity.

How do we know that it is not a better test of emotional conformity than emotional intelligence?

Let’s go back to Evo and the other presidents.

Let’s say we develop a test and call it a test of “intelligent dressing”. Then we have questions on the test like “If you are going to an international meeting of presidents of countries, would it be more effective to wear a tie or to not wear a tie?”

Then we give the test to a lot of people and we let them select the “best” answers. (This is exactly what Jack, David and Peter did, by the way.)

Then we decide, based on these other people’s answers, that the “best” answer is “it would be more effective to wear a tie.”

Then we say that if you answer our questions correctly you are an “intelligent dresser.”

Then we looked at the pictures of presidents and we saw that most of them are wearing ties.

So then we say that our test of intelligent dressing predicts who will be presidents.

So then we say that if you don’t score highly on our test, you are not an intelligent dresser, you are not likely to be a president, etc.

Is it really fair to say that our test is a test of “intelligent dressing?” Or would it be more accurate to call it a test of “dressing conformity?”

Now, I can predict the reaction of Jack, David and Peter. They will probably say that the word “intelligence” is a special word. They will say that in their discipline of psychology the word “intelligence” has a special meaning. They will say it has to do with cognitive skills, for example. So they might say that choosing what you wear doesn’t require any form of cognitive skills.

And I might not argue with them on that.

Or, then again, I might.

Since this article is getting a bit long I will let you choose to keep reading about why I might argue with them. If you want there is a link below to that. But the main thing I would like you to think about is this:

How do we know that something is actually a test of emotional intelligence?

Do we believe the test authors? Do we believe the business consultants? Do we believe the marketing company who sells the tests?

I want to add that I personally believe Jack Mayer, David Caruso and Peter Salovey have relatively high levels of integrity. I am not questioning their integrity as I have with Dan Goleman and Reuven BarOn.

I am questioning one aspect of their work. I would like other academic scientists to also question this and improve upon the work in the area of EI tests.

I still firmly believe in the concept of emotional intelligence. And I believe in the scientific process. I personally believe that EI can be measured, but I don’t believe the MSCEIT test is the one we should be using and calling a test of emotional intelligence. And I definitely don’t believe the BarOn test is.

I would like to see new tests of EI developed. Until then I would like MHS and everyone else to stop calling the MSCEIT and the EQi tests of emotional intelligence.



Diffe between intelligence and conformity.
Critique the test section by section.

Give examples of abused pple. Nicole. Jen. Comforting voice.
Stopping pain. Drugs, drinking.
Avoiding pain. Distraction. Not thinking about it. Not talking about it.

How old are you? Inappropriate? Jack wouldn’t ask.

Peter said you have to be able to measure it.

But is there a test for ones ability to love?

Or hate?

Peter talks about society. But which social group? Israel? Tibet?
When do you disobey?
When do you kill yourself?
Was John Lennon EI?

Who is more likely to admit they are wrong? To want to know? High ei or high e secure?

To disobey? To not conform? To blaze a new trail?

Alternative psychology.

Who is more ei. Someone who can tell u why they feel hurt or someone who avoids talking about it?

Test results vs. real life behavior. They get along with other conformists. But not with non-conformists.

Would the test predict who is more patriotic?

Levels of ei. Normal is high to them.



Work with josh.




I might say that if I were going to a meeting where I wanted to feel accepted, I might give some thought to what I wear. If I wanted to feel important, I might also give some thought to what I wear.

We might even say that if I were emotionally intelligent I might think about my feelings, and the feelings I might stir up in the other people if I wore one set of clothes or another.





And I won’t argue with them on that.





Intrinsic to the four-branch model of emotional intelligence is the hypothesis that emotional skills cannot be separated from their social context. To use emotions in a useful way, one must be attuned to the social and cultural norms of the environment in which one interacts. Therefore, the model proposes that correct answers will depend highly upon agreement with others of one's own social group. Furthermore, experts on emotion research should also have the ability to identify correct answers, since scientific methods have provided us with good knowledge on correct alternatives to emotion-related problems.

Consequently, the MSCEIT is scored using two different methods: general consensus and expert scoring. In consensus scoring, an individual's answers are statistically compared with the answers that were provided by a diverse worldwide sample of 5,000 respondents aged 18 or older who completed the MSCEIT prior to May 2001. The sample is both educationally and ethnically diverse, with respondents from seven different countries including the United States.

In the consensus approach, greater statistical overlap with the sample's answers reflects higher emotional intelligence. In expert scoring, a person's answers are compared with those provided by a group of emotion experts, in this case 21 emotion investigators elected to the International Society for Research on Emotions (ISRE).

Giovanni, Sasha, Jess.
John Lennon

Ei or es?

I want 2 text s.o.n have them ask if I am ok and have a code system, and ask if I want them to come over.


Five forty three AM.

The above is what I wrote this morning after I talked to Mariana the first time.

Met Matias yesterday.

Missed some calls when I was depressed about M.

Went out to Catholic University. Felt the eyes on me. Didn’t have my shirt on because I had been riding my bike, hurrying and I was hot. I felt uncomfortable there. Out of place. Everyone in their nice clothes. By nice I mean needlessly expensive, “fashionable”, conforming.

The Catholic University is expensive, as are all Cathlolic pretty much that I have seen around the world. One might think they would be the lowest cost places to study since supposedly they are concerned about helping poor people etc. But if one thought that one would be wrong. And if one tried to make sense out of it, and if understanding was important to “one” then, “one” would probably feel pain from the difficulty or impossibility of trying to figure it out.

So that is a mini-description of things right now for me. Always questioning things, always trying to figure things out. Almost always in pain.

I really don’t know how much pain I can take. Or how to stop the pain. Removing myself seems to help. Today after I went to the Catholic university I was in something like a trance. I saw things moving around me, people and cars and buses, but they were just things moving around. I felt removed. I’ve had that feeling before that I am not from this world at all. That I somehow got here and there are all these things happening which make no sense to an outsider.

People walking past buildings and moving their hand around in front of their chest. This is called “crossing” or something. The people who call themselves Catholics do it. I thought Muslims were strange, but these people might be even stranger.

I was wondering if there is something called destiny. I sometimes wonder if there really is some kind of curse on me and if someone enjoys seeing me suffer. But then I think that’s crap. I don’t really believe that. So what do I believe?

My beliefs are not very solid. They are not pulling me up when I am down. I don’t have faith. Ha ha ha. I pret much hate that word. It leads to associations with the big R word. Religion. Which is responsible for so many deaths, so many children being hit, frightened, punished, brainwashed.

I really liked M. Mariana. I guess I will call her Mariana. It seems to be over with Mariana and the idea of her helping me. You might wonder what happened, after I wrote so optimistically about her. But that just shows that optism is painful sometimes. Sort of like love hurts. If I said I loved Mariana everyone would feel uncomfortable. How quickly can one person love another? Is there a test for that?

Where is the love test? Where are the love tests in the world?

Why don’t we care as much about love as emotional intelligence, or money? Or laws?

What do we need more in humanity? More laws or more love?

I am very conscious now that Mariana might read this. She was doing research on me on the net. She said this morning “You have
lot of websites. A lot of people have written about you.” She sounded concerned, not impressed. She sounded troubled, worried. I don’t know what happened and I will probably never know. I don’t know what her boyfriend said to her after we all talked. I doubt it was anything very supportive though.

Anyhow to shorten the story, or maybe just to tell it out of sequence, ha ha, she made the big mistake of talking to her parents.

If you want to get out of prison you probably shouldn’t talk it over with the prison guards.

Now if M reads this she will immediately feel defensive. She will think “My parents aren’t prison gaurds. I don’t live in a prison.”

So if she reads this probably one of two things will happen a) she will write me defending herself and her parents and the catholic church and the university and the legal system and the whole concept of rules and implicitly punishment, or b) she will never write to me again.

Yes so she talked to her parents. The big mistake. The biggest you can make if you ever want to think for yourself. Or be free.

Now that is an exaggeration of course, but there is probably one person who will read this who will more or less understand what I mean. Unfortunately for me, that one person is probably not going to be in the same geographic area as me, so they will be of little help to me in terms of emotional support. I could get 100 supportive emails and it still wouldn’t fill my need for emotional support. I need someone here. Or maybe I need to go somewhere. But where? Australia? Where Jess is suffering, struggling? She won’t have much time for me or to help me. She is still too caught up in her own dramas. Family crises no doubt. Will she ever cut the strings? Let’s hope.

Hope? Is that useful? Maybe. When there is nothing else left.

So who am I? What am I? Why am I?

Is there a why? I don’t think so.

People like it when they ask me what I do and I tell them something specific like “I’m a writer.”

I am getting pretty sick of people asking me if I am a psychologist. Mariana asked me that. What the hell difference does it make? I thought she understood from our first talk that I am not a “psychologist” and I don’t even like them.

I don’t know what happened. And it hurts me not to know. What was she thinking? How was she feeling? She can’t talk about her feelings very well at all. I’d give her about a 1 on a scale of 0 to 10. She was a competitive tennis player in highschool. Flew to La Paz Bolivia, not to help people or get to know the culture, but to compete in a tennis match.

She told me she wanted to do volunteer work for some foundation run by the Catholic church. They are so well organized. Like the Scientologists.

I could have a big organization too, but I don’t like to lie to people. I don’t like to brain wash them, I don’t like to order them around, I don’t like to control them or threaten them or fill their minds with bullshit.

Mariana. A really interesting person. She felt really bad when she told her parents wouldn’t let her work for me.

Now let’s remember she is 18. That magical age! The age of supposed freedom.

But is Mariana free?

Is Daniela in Ecuador free?

Ocean will be 18 very soon I believe. In June if I recall. But will she be free?

What does it mean to be free? If you are economically dependent on someone else are you free? If you are afraid of losing someone’s approval are you free?

Who in this world is free?

I am sure there are a lot of people who are free. But I don’t know too many of them personally.

Matias is interesting. I wish he spoke English so I could understand him more.

I wish Mariana was helping me so the three of us could talk and she could explain what he was saying.

Maybe I will try something else.. English translator needed…

No one prepared me for this… for life. For the pain. For what I would see in the world….

I left the USA almost totally unprepared for the pain I would suffer as I traveled. For the aloneness, the frustration, the disillusionment.

But I am still a dreamer. I think I will tell someone that the next time they ask me that annoying question. What do you do? I am a dreamer. Lol

I can just see the look on some stupid soldier’s face if I were to say that. You have to know about the story of being left behind by the bus to understand that comment, and I don’t think I’ve posted it yet. Sorry.

Too many things to do and too little help.

Mariana.

Mariana.

She could have helped me so much. Her English was so good. She … well it hurts to think about it more now…

She would feel so bad if she knew how much it hurt me. But how would she respond to her pain.

She said I am sorry several times. I could tell she did feel bad. More so than the psychologist who supposedly is trained to care about people.

Wait. What did I just say? Can you “train” someone to care about people.

I am convinced those who study psychology actually care less about people, individual people I mean, after they have studied. They are “trained” to think about numbers, statistics, research, tests, bbb.

Alex studied psychology. He said the main thing he got out of it was learning how to study something. Hmmm. Is that what we want people who are called psychologists to do? Is that what we need more now in the world? More people who study things? I don’t need to read a lot of studies to feel my pain. In fact, I’d guess that the more studies I read, the less I would feel my own pain.

So anyhow Mariana saw me on campus. But I didn’t know she saw me. I was just riding my bike through it looking for a place to stop and call her from. I stopped near the main entrance. Unlike Peru you can actually enter the campus without going through a guarded gate. It is totally open, at least ostensibly.

So after the smart ass whistled at me I stopped for a moment. But then I realized I was stopping in the bus stop area and a bus was coming behind me. Everyone was looking at me. I felt so uncomfortable, so out of place. And I was. I needed to get out of the way of the bus. How the hell would I have known it was a fucking bus stop? Everyone else knows it but um, I am not from this place and it was the first time I was on this “campus”. I am getting to hate universities more and more all the time. That is probably not a very healthy or “effective” feeling. And I hate the word effective, which David Caruso loves so much. But I don’t hate David. He has been brainwashed, just like Mariana.

I didn’t get a chance to ask Mariana if she would want to know if she had been brainwashed.

If I had any chance of her still helping me before I started writing this, I have probably destroyed it by now. But do I care? It hurts to much to keep this stuff inside. And I am a reporter. Yeah that’s what I am. Ha ha.

I get paid to report the facts. Just the facts M’am or however u spell that. It’s not a word I write much.

I wish I did get paid to report the facts. Maybe I could. But what would I do with the money? I can’t even pay someone to work for me!!! No one wants to or they don’t have time, or their parents won’t let them.

Ok I am over-generalizing. I can’t truthfully say “no one” because I haven’t met every person in the world. So let’s just say that so far I haven’t found anyone, and I have been looking for a long time.

Law.

Mariana is studying law.

Lawyers.

Lawyers and liars.

Would Mariana lie to win a case?

Does she ever disagree with any rules?

So anyhow, I stop my bike in front this shop where the bus is about to blow its nerve wracking horn. And thankfully, since I am not in Peru, it didn’t. I am not sure what I would have done if it did. The pressure was already at a breaking point level…

So I move up a little way and stop my bike in a parking place. And I notice that the parking spaces are assigned to people like the library director or something. It has been a long time since I have seen that. Like “President” “Vice President” etc. Something bothers me about that. On the other hand, if I were the president of a company I would probably want to have a place to park my car when I drove up, but I don’t think I would ever make a sign saying “president” and stick it on the ground in front of a parking space. Lol. The idea makes me laugh. Like the idea of wearing a suit and tie to impress someone.

So anyhow… I think I have found a safe spot. Where I can send a text message to Mariana or call her. And I get out my cell phone. Then some guy in guard looking clothes comes over and says something like “excuse me pal…”

That was it. I said something like “Jesus fucking Christ!” and rode off.. obviously he was going to hassle me about something! I thought he would ask me what I was doing on campus or some stupid thing. But I didn’t think he was going to say something about me not having a shirt on!!!! Which might have been what he was going to say before I rode off.

I am guessing that now because a few seconds later I got a text message from Mariana. She said “Put your shirt on. They won’t let you be like that.”

Lol

I am not making this up!

Some of you in other counties might think “you’re joking!” but I swear to fucking god that doesn’t exist I am not!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is South America, folks.

This is the land of the Catholics.

And the child abuse, and the pregnant teenage single mothers.

And the corruption and the drunks, and the cocaine, and the student police.

Yes, welcome to South America. The model for the world!

The model on what not to do.

Oh, something else… Mariana thinks she has a good relationship with her parents. She said something like “they are my best friends”. Yeah I am sure they are. As long as you obey them and don’t question their beliefs too much.

That is kind of like saying “The prison guards are my best friends.”

Which reminds me of something I heard once in a 12 step type group meeting. Someone said “The people who I thought were my friends turned out not to be my friends at all.”

That was once the person started expressing her true feelings and thinking for herself.

Which leads my mind back to who am I and destiny.. and oak trees.

I saw oak trees because the acorn more or less has a design when it falls to the ground – to become an oak tree..

But what is my genetic design?

And what would happen if the acorn didn’t get the sun, dirt and water it needed? It would die of course.

It would never reach its potential.

What if it got less than the optimal amount of sun, water etc? It would never grow to be as tall and strong as it could have.

So what about me? And what about every child? What is the optimal abount of x, y and z? Are people more complicated than oak trees? Probably.

We have emotional needs. As far as I know, oak trees don’t.

Emotional needs. Emotional needs. Emotional needs.

Who is writing about them?

Who is talking about them? Who even knows they exist!?

Or can you say that a need exists? Is that the right word??

Who knows.

Who knows what the “right” word is? Is “education” the right word for what is happening inside the buildings and on the campus where Mariana goes nearly each day?

So anyhow, after she sent a text message she called me. But wait, when I got the text message I decided to just leave. This obviously wasn’t the place for me and I don’t like people telling me what to do, giving orders “Put a shirt on.” Excuse me? Am I your 5 year old son?

“Put a shirt on”?

Why would someone think they can tell someone else what to do like that?

Could it possibly be because all their life they have been accustomed to being told what to do?

Hmmm. Seems like a possibility.

So then as I am riding away I get a call. It is Mariana. She tells me she saw me and that I have to put a shirt on because “this is a university and those are the rules”

Oh.

Thanks for explaining.

Funny though, I have been to a lot of universities in the world where no one hassles you if you don’t have a shirt on.

Mariana wouldn’t know that tho, because she has been isolated here in South America. And she won’t know much about the world outside if she keeps obeying her parents and going to the Catholic university and not making time to talk to people like me who have traveled around a bit. Or a lot as the case may be.

Mariana asked me twice if I were angry. But let me back up….

I told her I was hot and I wasn’t going to put my shirt on for a few idiots. She probably felt confused because she probably has never met anyone who questioned stupid rules before. Well, actually she might have questioned a lot of rules herself, but not gotten much support from anyone, surely not from her good friends called mom and dad. Dad works in a regulatory branch of the government by the way. So yes, he is a government worker. Not the kind of people known for questioning rules in case you didn’t know.

Has anyone noticed I am feeling a bit sarcastic, cynical, resentful?

Now here is a problem… I am totally destroying all chances I would ever have of Mariana helping me. I know that. Yet I can’t stop. But the next question is do I post this? The answer as always is yes.

I have a self-destructive gene I guess. Ha ha.

Is it self-destructive to speak the truth? YES!

Look at what happened to Jesus. Ha ha ha

Poor Mariana. She thinks Jesus was the son of god probably. She might believe Maria was a virgen. She might not like the book The Davincci code. Yet would it be a stretch to say I might, just possibly, be the closest to a Jesus type person she will ever meet?

Jesus after all, was very rebellious. But how long would he last in the Catholic church structure if he came back today?

I really wish it were true about him coming back. But something else I don’t think I posted was the story of the religious nutcake who told me Jesus isn’t coming back to give us more teaching, he is coming back to JUDGE us.

Oh, ok.

Thanks for that. That makes me feel a lot better.

So going back to this morning when I first felt the doubt Mariana was feeling.. I was laying in bed, so depressed I could not even type. I wanted to send a message, via cell phone, for help. I wanted to send a message to someone like Jen who would instantly know something was wrong. I wanted to use a code system, kind of like we have. When she asks “are you ok” and I type “..” it means no.

Then I wished she would say “do you want me to come over?” and I would type “.’ – meaning yes just so there is no misunderstanding here.

Then she would ask “are you home? And would enter one dot so she would know that I was. Then she would come over.

Simple as that.

We don’t have a system like that in the world. I’d like to see a world which had one. I will invent one in my head since one doesn’t exist.

I really liked Mariana. She was so sincere, so capable, so smart, so sensitive. She really felt bad, but she was afraid I was angry. When she told me that she had talked to her parents and they told her she was too young had to study and bbb as parents so often do she asked me twice if I were angry at her. She noticed my silence. She said “are you still there?” What could I say “Oh its ok, I will just kill myself now. Thanks. I’ve been waiting for the right moment. I think this is it.”

Mariana will probably never get to know me. She is too afraid of disapproval by her parents, rejection, disappointing them. I know the routine. I’ve seen it lots of times before.

Like the girl I met who told me she doesn’t like to lie to her parents.

I sent her a text message when I was thinking of my code system and Jen.

I said “Just wanted to say hi.”

That was a bit of a lie though. Like when Crystal is feeling suicidal and says “Just wondered how you were?”

Or when she sends an email that says Would you rather
a) die for Crystal or
b) b) watch Crystal die?

What can you say to that? Some teenager probably thought that up. Crystal just copied it. Someone else sent me the same thing.

But I say some teenager thought it up because they are the ones who feel the most pain. Psychologists don’t seem to get that.

Jesus fu** it is almost 7 thirty and still dark here!!

Maybe it is time to try to get back to Canada. See what is happening with my poor old trailer.

What am I doing here anyhow?

Is there a better place to be right now?

Do I go someplace where I am needed? Where I am not in so much pain?

Mariana said she wished she could write. But she thinks she is a bad writer. She also said she sucked at tennis and once when she made an English mistake she said “That was a stupid mistake”.

When I told her that emotionally intelligent people feel pain when they see a parent yank a child by the arm she said “everyone should feel like that.”

Back to the phone call on campus. She said she was sorry that she couldn’t work for me but we could still be friends and email.

That is more than the psychology student, soon to be “psychologist” said.

I sent Mariana an email in the morning after I saw her online and said “hi mariana” and she disconnected.

I said something like “I am feeling discouraged and confused. How are you feeling?”

She wrote back but didn’t tell me how she was feeling. I don’t think she really knows. She would probably flunk an emotional literacy test and score highly on an alexithymia test.

But not because she is not emotionally intelligent… this is what all the “experts” don’t seem to get.

In Canada in the summer it is light out at around 5 in the morning. Even earlier maybe. I had a beautiful place there….

Back to trees…

What kind of a tree am I?

Is there anyone else like me in the world? Jerren was very close. There was almost nothing we disagreed about. But yet we are very different.

So what could I be? What could I have been with the “optimal” emotional nutrients?

Is my life almost over? Or will I do something more with the genetic potential I had when I was born?

Will I end my own life in the near future?

Or will I die of old age?

Mariana.. I keep thinking of her. How much I wanted her to get to know me. How much I wanted to teach her, open her eyes.

At one point the psychology student, Cecilia, said something like “I want to hear about your theories on life. I have just been studying things in school but don’t have much real life experience.” I felt encouraged by that. I thought “How nice. Someone wants to learn from me.” But then she abandoned me the next day.

I guess I could just say “this has been a hard week” but that doesn’t begin to describe it. Well, it begins but…

Which leads me to Carla. Carla has been doing a few things for me. Secretarial kind of stuff. Today I saw her and told her I was having a bad morning.

What would you say if someone told you that?

Well she said (three of my favorite words in Spanish)

“no te preoccupies”

ie

don’t worry.

Oh, ok. Thanks. I feel a lot more understood now.

The next time I need emotional support I will be sure to give u a ring.