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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 12:34 AM
To : steve hein
Subject : our religious debate lol

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I read the religious debate... lol.

okay at the end of the 1st page you asked,"So Brooke, how do you feel about what I wrote??"
Not defensive... but more worried. I guess i wasn't... i guess i didn't explain. I definetly made a fool of myself ;) Like you and I both agreed about... I'm not too good at the explaining thing lol. So I really can't even explain now.

I also want to comment on this statement here. "I wanted to point out to Brooke that when she says "Steve..." It usually means she is starting to feel defensive. And also I notice that when she says "its called..." she is getting defensive and feeling superior and annoyed and sarcastic."

I just like saying people's names lol. It probably does give the wrong message off lol. I feel like that you don't see my point of view which I totally understand why you don't.

The religious debate didn't go too well lol. I wasn't thinking... I just hope i get to talk to you later. Maybe then words will pop in my head lol. I can see that happening... **imagines words popping from the top of head** lol.

I've gotten into this arguement before and let's just say i'm not the best debater lol. ;)

I was going to say something but now I can't find the words again lol.

That reminds me... I remember when we were having the arguement and I started to shake... that was weird. Happened before in the last one. lol. But I don't know why I was... just was. lol that's me for ya ;)

o yeah... laura's parents are banning her from the computer. rar. just thought I would pass the message along. this totally sucks. rar.





Brooke dice:
i did my homework but i didn't talk to the counselor... i signed up and got a pass but i just couldn't go.. didn't have the courage... so I sent her an e-mail and she didn't answer the question she really wants me to go see her... she still doesn't get it so I had to make it really clear to her and sent her another e-mail saying i am not comfortable talking to you in person!!  lol

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

  Today a whole lot of stuff happened.  Well not a whole lot of stuff but more than usual.  Most of it happened at the end of the day.  In gym we had to run the mile and I beat my old score.  I ran the mile in 7:56mins.  I am soo happy!!!!  That is my best ever.  So track really did make me faster lol. 

My mom has also gotten engaged.  She is so happy!!!  That means I will have a whole lot of new step-siblings.  But most of them are adults except one who is my age.  She is about 4 months older than me i think. 

Today was one of my teacher's birthdays from Ohio so I sent him an e-mail.  On the very first day he told the class that his birthday is May 11th and that he likes chocolate cake with white icing, sprinkles, and M&M's.  So I sent him an e-mail wishing him a happy birthday.  I sent some pictures of a chocolate cake, white icing, M&M's, and sprinkles and sent it to him.  lol. 

Today was also the last practice for track and I didn't go because if you aren't going to this certain meet, you don 't come to the practice.  I'm not in it cause i'm not fast enough.  Wish I was though.  Just got to work harder this summer.  I think I'll also do cross country even though it is a lot of work.  I could use that.   lol.

My friend really freaked me out today.  She pretended that she had cuts on her arms (like she cut herself) and hid her arm.  Well then she kept on pulling my leg and finally showed me her cut free arm.  She freaked me out but she wouldn't have known that if I hadn't told her.  I was very calm because well I have experience ;)  But I have to say that wasn't very nice lol.

It was so hot today.  I hate hot weather hate it hate it hate it!!!! lol. 

Well it has been thundering and lightning for the longest time but there has not been one drop of rain so far.  It gets a little annoying because I LOVE the rain!!!  I love storms!!!! 

I'm worried about Steve.  He talked to L for awhile and she said how are you to him.  He replied by saying no comment.  Then she asked again and he said it is too complicated.  I worry about him.  L is worried about him too. I hope that he is alright.  Steve if your reading this... reply soon. 

Well that is pretty much my day... well the semi-interesting parts.  The things that don't happen everyday.  lol.  Well going to get going now.

(have you noticed my obsession with the word well?)  lol

  10:12 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

  Today was just a normal day at school.  I didn't learn anything as usual.  They keep on teaching me things I already know.  Yet I do find it useful for them to re-teach some of it.  You do forget quite a bit. 

Something funny happened today.  My friend (i'll call her S) said her mom cut her hair while she was sleeping and now it is short but not really.  It is past her shoulders.  I like it but it cracked me up.  I laughed so hard.  lol.  I'm gonna bug her about it lol. 

Let's see... what did I do today....

O yeah I went to a NJHS (National Junior Honors Society) meeting/pizza party.  It was just a pizza party with a little bit of information about what we do.  I didn't eat anything... just did my math homework.  Math homework was really easy.  We are learning about finding the area and volume of 3 dimensional shapes again.  This is the reason why moving isn't all that great.  You get really bored because your other school is ahead and you want to be at that school actually learning something.  Yeppers.  I WANT TO LEARN!!!!  lol.

Well that is pretty much what happened today but there is still this evening.  Probably nothing interesting will happen.  The same old same old.  yeppers.  I'm going to end this before I start to actually say something important lol.

  6:07 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Monday, May 09, 2005

  I just realized that in my last weblong entry I didn't really talk about myself.  Well easier to talk about somebody else's problems than your own, right? 

I was told that I should do this... and that it could help me out, but if you don't feel how can it help?  Well I guess I do feel, but it isn't much.  I think what I'm trying to do is be needy... maybe.  I have to really think this over.  I want to be this person that nobody knows that nobody "really" cares about.  Yet I want them to.  I want them to "care" about me and maybe notice me.  But I want the wrong attention.  I want negative attention.  I sort of want them to worry about me.  It isn't right and it's selfish, I know.  I want to change but I've lived this way all my life.  I don't understand or know what it is like to be me again.  Hey I guess this does help.  Maybe one day I can explain why I feel this way... why I want this so bad.  I want to be miserable I want to feel pain.  I don't want this happy life that everybody wants for me.  I want a terrible life that nobody understands.  There are probably people out there that know what it feels like... that feels the same way.  People tell me, "You're not alone" and I really know that.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!  But I guess they do... if you think about it.  I really need to stop argueing with myself lol.  I don't want pity either.  I want to be different.  I want to be dark and mysterious.  But I never want to utter another word.  I never want this to be known yet I write about it where somebody can read it; where somebody can find out who I really am.  Nobody knows except God... I don't even know who I am.  I just live day by day with this quiet person who has thoughts that scare herself away.  Away from the world... away from people.  I don't even know if this makes sense to anybody, but it is a weblog so nobody really has to understand.  Yet I want them to I really want them to understand.  I want them to understand what I am feeling... I want them to understand with me having to be in an akward position trying to explain myself.  How can you really explain the way you feel?  It just seems to happen so fast.  I try to ignore it... I try not to think about it but it just keeps on coming back.  Maybe I shouldn't have started to think of why I did so and so (I don't want to tell too much on this in case somebody finds it).  But would it have caught up to me?  Would it have ruined my future life?  It already has ruined my life now.  I keep on hurting the people around them by not telling them who I am.  By not telling them that... I do... that I do... feel hurt.  I guess that is it.  I feel hurt that my mom was being ignorant and made the wrong choices we she saw they were the wrong ones.  She was following something that wasn't there.... love.  She was following the thought of changing this person who didn't want to change who saw no reason to change.  But how can I blame her?  She wanted to feel useful like she has done great in this one person's life.  To help them.  But she ignored the people around her.  She ignored the fact that it hurt us to see her feel this way and for us to LIVE that way.  We didn't want her to be so sad and to feel that she HAD to change this terrible man.  Yet I can blame myself.  I could have told her what this was doing to us.  That it was hurting her and us so badly that it may never heal.  My siblings seem to have moved on but I have to dwell on this.  Why?  Why can't I just let this go and move on.  That seems to work for many but I can't seem to forgive.  She didn't apologize she didn't see this huge mistake that she was making in her life.  But isn't it still my fault?  Couldn't I have been a better person to her?  Couldn't I have been less of a brat?  Less of this terrible person?  It seems like I could have tried so much harder.  I could have sucked it in and taken it.  I could have made her worry less.  It's my fault, isn't it?  This doesn't sound right.  Many people blame themselves for things out of their control, but is this one of them?  Didn't I have the control to be somebody else?  Somebody who didn't care as much?  Can't I be the person my mom wants me to be?  I just don't know anymore.  People ask me questions and I just don't know.  I can't explain and I guess that is what alexithymia is.  Not being able to explain what you feel.  Is it not being able to explain why you feel the way you feel?  I wouldn't know.  I can't explain lol.  This is really long isn't it?  I guess this is all I should write but wait.

Steve thinks all my problems lay with my father.  But he is wrong but I feel like I can't explain this to him.  It isn't because of my father.  If anything my father has taught me to love unconditionally.  He has made me stronger.  I do not want to be weak in this nightmare of life.  I need to thank him for the experience.  My father is not to blame.  It was the person who I was talking about.  It was Michael.  My mom's ex-fiance'.  I was so afraid of him... I don't know if this fear will go away.  I sound so childish, talking about my fears.  Fears are terrible and I know I can stop them.  He can't do anything to me now.  So why do I still feel this way?

Maybe one day I will find the answer that lies deep within me.  Nobody can help me really find the answer until I decide I'm ready for it.  I don't know if I am ready.  Once I know my life will change.  I feel like I have been through enough changes already.  So wow I can put my feelings into words.  All it takes is something to motivate them to come out.  O gosh now I feel terrible.  I think I should just erase this.  Maybe not.  Maybe one day I can look back at this and laugh at how naive I am.  Or was.  I hope one day this will have all just be a nightmare.  Hopefully I'll wake up soon.

  9:15 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

  Mother's Day was a disaster.  My mom didn't get what she wanted but she got something that she did like.  She had a fight with her fiance but she couldn't come back home because of her fight with our roomie (i'll call her C).  C and my mom had made a deal.  They were not to let any guys spend the night.  Well my mom broke that rule and now C is not talking to my mom.  My mom got an e-mail yesterday saying that she wants us out asap.  My mom is really upset because 1 they have been best friends for a very long time and 2 because  we can't move in to my mom's fiance's house until my mom's fiance's ex-wife moves out (but first she has to find a place to say (which she is not motivated to doing)).  It puts a lot of pressure on her.  My mom recently got fired from her job but I would have to say she is happy about because of her boss.  Her boss was a witch.  My mom almost sued because of it.  Well now she has a temporary job that doesn't pay all that much... probably not enough for us to live on.  I don't know.  All of this is so much stress on her.  I just worry that she won't be able to handle it all.

Well anyways... Mother's Day was a disaster.  After the fight with her fiance she couldn't go home because of the fight with C.  So we went home and grabbed the dog to take her to the park.  We stayed there until C left to work (she works nights).  Well we really didn't want to stay there and we didn't know why we were at the park (my bro and sis and I).  We asked and my mom got upset and started to cry.  I didn't know what to do but luckily my sis went over to her and comforted her.  She was still upset though.  Well I tried to make the best of the situation and followed my little sis around.  She went on the swings and on those spinny thingys (merry go round?).  We got home around 7:30pm and I was sort of tired.  I forget what I did after that lol.

Well hmm... i don't think i have much to say... my life is a bore... soo

o wait i got something.  no nevermind lol.