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Someone asked what I am busy doing.

I feel drained by the question. Defensive. Judged. Not understood. Not helped. I feel pain from it. I feel trapped by it. I feel obligated to answer it. And explain my feelings. Which will take time I already don't have.

It hurts so much that more pple don't understand me and everything I am trying to do and want to do.

busy changing passwords, trying to reset them, trying to unblock my paypal account, reactivate my bank in ___. fight google. fight the american government. help suicidal teens. keep my partner from leaving me. check the forums. check the teen chat room. write to parents who want to know why their teen is writing to me. answer emails. check to see if the teens got the mail if they are ok.

put ads on my website pages, fix the 2,000 broken links. back up all my files, move files from old laptop to new one. teach x how to use front page express. go to the store, buy food. go to the dentist. try to stop my pain. try to recover from years of pain, being hurt, damaged, abused. starved, raped emotionally. trying to contact amazon about my affiliates account. watching videos related to eqi things. watching our generation movie. writing new articles for the site.

trying to get pple to understand me, to help me. trying to defend myself, protect myself from people like mia. trying to heal from new discouragements each day. trying not to get pulled under by all the painful stories which come in my mail box from teens and adults around the world each day. wishing i had more help. wishing the help i have hadnt been so damaged. trying to clean up my hotmail inbox that has 1200 emails in it. trying to clean up the other 10 or or so email accounts i have in pop peeper, my mail checker so they dont have more than 30-50 mails in each inbox so the program runs faster. trying to get my mail orgainzed in the usa and some other things there. trying to take care of some other banking problems.

trying to justify my existence, feel valued, be valued. trying to find a good reason to keep living. trying to warn people in the usa. warn people around the world

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Dec 4 - still feeling pain from that question. still feeling afraid of the person who asked it. afraid of more questions. of not feeling understood. of feeling a need to defend, explain myself.


I will add that to the list of things I am busy doing.

It hurts to think about what people will say - some people.

Thinking about so many things. Like Briar was that night. When I was Briar's age I didn't lay awake in the middle of the night thinking. Now I do.

I am feeling, experiencing so many things the teens do. That's why we understand each other no doubt.

Now I am thinking about the 3 people who came in the room.It is 2:30 am - they just arrived.They tried hard to be quiet - unlike Belgians that night in Belgian hostel.

Now I am thinking about Europe - Belgium. Traveling there, being there with ___. Now I am thinking of her and of what some people would say and how they would judge me, and they guy from America who did judge me in Holland when I told him. And I am thinking about how people say "you think too much". And how it hurts to be surrounded and controlled by people like that.And how I want to say "Maybe you think too little."

Thinking - theinkig about how America got so messsed up. How to fix it. How the world got so messed up. H2fixit.

Thinkig - ta whether to turn on the AC - see I have the control in bed with me. I was alone for the past two days here. Alone last night when I layed down, fell asleep.

Thinking about Hillary Adams. Her letter to me. What to do next.

Thinking about my partner. About Tim. Mac. Mia. Marco. Lily it just goes on and on...

Thinking. Thinking about giving up. Stopping trying to change things. Stopping going online. Stopping reading the news. Stopping caring so much. About spending more time with my partner. About getting away from people who hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally.

Thinking about how to or if to reply to ___ who asked me the question.

Thinking about whether to explain more about the situation - like how she volunteered to help Mia and the other message she sent me. And how I feel obligated to her now. Indebted to her. And afraid of her. And afraid of telling her I am afraid or of her finding out.

Thinking about what to do about the AC. If I turn it on now they will hear the beep and know I have the control. Thinking about how P and I had so many conflicts over the AC.

Thinking about how something I just forgot.

Thinking about how ___ said it cycles on.

Now thinking about her situation again. My letter to her. The parent's next possible moves. It is like a war in some ways. You live in fear. Of another possible attack.

Busy fighting the laws, the people who make and enforce and believe in the laws about children and teens.

Thinking about how much it hurts to be asked what I am busy doing. And why. And how to and if to reply.

Thinking about feeling guilty for not replying, for writing so much about it.

Thinking about how long I have been writing about it tonight. And how these cycles will ever end.

Thinking about the book that talked about pattern recognition.

Thinking about the AC again. Scared to turn it on. But feeling hot. uncomfortable. Scared Scared Scared so much of the time. Like x was scared to make the A drive account

Do I turn it on? Leave the room? Put the control back in the holder? Give up control? What if they make it too cold? What if one of them takes the control to their bed?

I can see why people kill themselves - life becomes too hard. Too painful. Too many fears. Decisions. Worries. Thoughts.

I don't want to be in control of the AC when there are others here. But I also dont want hem to be in control. win win or no win situation?

Are they asleep? Will my making it beep wake them up? Is my typing bothering them? Would they be honest if it was? Do I or should I care if it isn't convenient for them if I need to do it?

Thinking of Pranita who paid me back the money I loaned her and Igor who didn't

Thinking about what Igor might do when he finds the page I made on him.

Thinking about whether to "punish" or "penalize" him for not paying me back. Asking him to pay 1 euro per day for example for each day he hasn't paid me back starting...? When?

Just wrote something on the Igor page.

Now it is 2:58

I am wondering what I will say if the 3 new roommates say it was hot in the room last night. I don't like this responsibility. Responsibility without communication, knowledge.

I am too scared to do anything. I don't want to be blamed, accused etc. later. I don't want them to judge me. What would Jesus do? ha ha

Dec 25

Spent a lot of time yesterday on defending myself from Amie in the forum I don't remember what all I wrote above, but I came here to say one thing I am busy doing is defending myself from Amie and trying to figure out why she bothers me so much and how to defend myself - to keep the forum safe for me. To protect myself from her. I feel guilty for writing such a hurtful attack on her yesterday. I have saved it somewhere along with her posts so maybe one day later I will write about it, and we can use it in training etc.

But now I am afraid of going to the forum.

I am unsure of what to do still. I am afraid of others judging me, not understandig me - two of my biggest sources of pain.

I spent a lot of time talking with P about it yesterday. I talked about how it was like someone who sees that I am going up trees collecting coconuts and giving them to teenagers who have a lof fish - ie emotional support - appreciation, understanding, admiration, caring. I give the coconuts to a lot of teenagers and some of them give me some of their fish. But they don't need the fish because they have plenty and they even get more fish when I give them coconuts. But I am not keeping enough coconuts for myself each day. And I used to have a lot of coconuts, but for the past 10 years or so I have been giving them away to the teens.

Then someone comes along and says that I am not giving coconuts to the teens. No, instead, they say I am trying to steal coconuts from the teens.

So I stop collecting coconuts and take time to try to explain to them what I am actually doing. I try to prove it, but they are taking coconuts from me as I talk to them. Instead of helping me get coconuts they are taking them from me! Instead of helping get other people to help me collect more coconuts they are telling people that I am stealing coconuts from innocent, vulnerable and even abused teens. So this is the same as stealing even more coconuts and fish from me I am nearly dying from not having enough coconuts and fish and this person has come into my part of the island and takes coconuts and fish from me. And they tell others that they are doing it to help me and the teens. But the whole time I spend defending myself from this person, I have not helped any teens and I have gotten weaker and sicker and closer to dying.

Yet they won't leave me alone. They won't help me and they keep coming back taking coconuts and fish.

So finally I take a stick and start to beat them. Then they accuse me of using violence. And I have to take more of my time and energy and coconuts to try to explain to the people who are watching and listening what is happening.

So finally I decide, fuck it all and I go to the beach, pick up a large rock, put it in the boat with me and paddle out a bit, then hold onto the rock and jump off the boat.

So that is the end of defending myself.

Or at the last second I go back and kill the person who was taking my coconuts and I get put in jail. Where I figure out some way to kill myself at the soonest possible chance.

Now I am using up more coconuts thinking about whether I am being too harsh... too violent, too aggressive or "passive aggressive."

I just want it all to stop. I want the pain to stop. The attacks to stop. I wonder why they don't go bother someone else or go help someone else or whatever - I really don't care - I just want them to leave me alone.

What is bothering me

- Find inside yourself what you are trying to find outside - yukfoo

- When we change how we see things the things we see change

- If it is not crossing boundaries...

- If you don't mind me asking

- What I am hearing you say is

- It seem like .... and I say "seems" because...

- Am I hearing you right?

- I question why you want to detach from your father -- to Robert.

- Not understanding me or P

- Not even acknowledging the PM I sent her about what I am busy doing.

- Feeling *less* understood after I tried to explain to her what I meant by feeling unvalued.

- Saying "when I get her emails I will know more" ie expecting me to send them to her instead of just getting started - ie Mia - with that message and the next one about "What are you busy doing" I realized it was probably a mistake to get her involved and it would just take more of my time to try to manage her needs, wrong assumptions etc.

- Wrong assumptions - I didn't know who Alice Miler was, I am trying to get money from teens.

- She thnks she can run the forum better than I can

- She feels superior to me

- By her questions she is trying to get control of people. Like I say "The one who asks the questions has the most power and control"

- Playing the psychologist/counselor. Not really trying to understand.

- Being *very* bad at understanding.

- Sounding too much like a typical psychologist/counselor.

- Living in fear of her next comments.

- Waking up this morning thinking about what I wrote yesterday- writing about her now.

- Again, not knowing how to get it to stop. *thinking I could just ask her to stop using the forum - but I don't feel that calm about it.

- Debating about whether to just block her now. Or let P do it. Or ask someone else to do it.

Let's see if anyone is online...