Darren

17 as of Sept 2005

Darren lives in England and has tried to kill himself many times. He found my website on teen suicide and emailed me and asked if I'd like to see a paper he'd written. I said sure and the next day we started chatting.

Notes from our first chat

I am chatting with a 16 year old from England right now. I want to tell you a little bit about him and his school experience.

He sent me a paper which included this.....

In the last few weeks of term, the amount of teachers that have said "We only teach you to pass exams, not the subject" is actually pretty disturbing,

I asked him if teachers really say that and he said yes.

Then I was reading some more of his paper... and I found this...

We have a "High ranking" (So he thinks) army cadet at our school, who thinks he has command over us, and guess the fine loactaion of his actual job. Thats right, bossing about greasy kids in McDonalds

In my editorial this morning I wrote that they are teaching 13 year old girls to shoot guns in England. I wondered if this was just an isolated case. Then I started talking to Darren today. When I read this I asked him if they really have army cadets in his school. He said yes. Then I asked him if they have taught him to shoot a gun. He said yes.

Then I ask him how he feels about being taught to shoot a gun. And he says:

Well, we've been taught how to defend ourselves in a combat situation, and we have been put on a last reserve list if the war
starts so it is somewhat patriotic, and that is bad for the world in the end

*add rest of this

Here is more of his paper and another example of why I love teenagers:

I have had many conversations with people about this, "what makes something wrong?" And none have been able to give me a straight answer, its just what we've been bought up to believe.

And in our chat I asked him how his day was and he said this

hi, my day was good, i decided to have an experiment, by ading [Suicide rules to my name], i was wondering how many people would immediatley take offense, and how many would ask about it

When I read that I said "I like how your mind works."

So later I say: "So what has been the reaction to ur suicide rules thing.."

umm, a couple of people have come online said no it doesnt and gone offline, others have had no reaction

kind of dissapointing really

Next I ask him if he has tried to kill himself and he says yes. I ask how and he lists the ways:

3 cars (jumping in front of them and getting hit)
2 Busses
jumping off a bridge onto a motorway
jumping off a railway bridge
5 OD's
2 wrist slitting attempts

Then we continue like this...

and yet my school has done nothing, nothing like suicide watch or anything
steve says:
figures
darren says:
they just need high grades so they get paid
steve says:
what do u mean so they get paid
darren says:
well the higher the teachers average grade, the more they get in bonuses at the end of each year

As I am talking to Darren and he is telling me all the ways he has tried to kill himself. I almost start to cry. I say to myself "I am glad I am only online cuz I wouildn't want him to see me crying and start worrying about me and stop talking about his own troubles."

Now he is telling me this stuff about the grades and I say to myself "Oh my fucking god!" (how the teachers get bonuses if the students get high grades on the GSCE or whatever it is.

Notes from May 8 chat

Darren telling me about the pictures he sent to psyke.org

Darren says:
have you read psyke.org?
steve says:
not much
steve says:
how is it
Darren says:
umm, its pretty useful, they have a pretty controversial picture collection though
steve says:
like what
steve says:
of self harm?
Darren says:
yeah
steve says:
can u send me the url
Darren says:
http://www.psyke.org/warning.html
Darren says:
they have 3 of my old ones on there
steve says:
in which folder
Darren says:
umm, its in D/thn on page 2 DTMX

Here is the first picture, then I ask Darren about it.

steve says:
whats ur arm say there
Darren says:
umm, it says "you did this" on the first one
steve says:
what did u mean
Darren says:
umm, on the selection page, it has a slight description of the situation
steve says:
oh yeah sorry
Darren says:
lol, tis ok

So then I read it and it says that he wanted her to stop smoking, so when she lit a cigarette, he cut that into his arm to show her how much it hurt him to see her hurting herself. Then we continue our conversation.

steve says:
is that milli ur talking about
Darren says:
yeah
steve says:
k the next one says im fine right
Darren says:
yeah
Darren says:
it also says "For you" onthe second one underneath
steve says:
what was that about
Darren says:
because she wanted me to be ok, so i wrote "im fine, for you"
steve says:
whats in the box or symbol there
Darren says:
umm, that was a jazi sign, its a cross between the nazi sign and a star of david, since i agree with some aspects of both of thier views
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
whats the last one say
Darren says:
that just says "im fine" but bigger..
steve says:
ok
steve says:
can i put them on ur page for my site?
Darren says:
yeah, ive got some more if you want.. i can mail them..
steve says:
ok

"Alexithymia" vs. upbringing

Here I ask Darren if he has ever heard of alexithymia. Then later he says he hasn't been brought up to talk about his feelings with feelings with feeling words, but he probably could. And I want to tell Darenn, "Yes, Darren I am sure you could if someone would just show you how to."

steve says:
ever heard of alexithymia
Darren says:
yeah, i read it earlier
steve says:
what do u think of it
Darren says:
why, do you think i have it?
Darren says:
lol,
Darren says:
i dunno, it seems like its probablle
steve says:
nah ive just been making my own file this morning
steve says:
wanted to ask u to look at it
Darren says:
aah ok
steve says:
but i dont know, can u talk about ur feelings with feeling words?
Darren says:
imm, i havent been bought up to, but i probably could
steve says:
yeah thats the problem in a nutshell

--

Later...

Darren says:
its quite weird, your like the first person ive met with the same views on how we are bought up and taught..
steve says:
like which ones
Darren says:
like invalidation, and home environments, things like that
Darren says:
no-one around here listens..
Darren says:
well, not understanding it all
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
i hope my ideas get put into society one day around the world
Darren says:
yeah.. that would rule..
steve says:
it could happen, u never know what can happen
Darren says:
very true

Bragging about Grades

The Headteacher Stuart Robinson said ‘We are proud that 180 students, following 35 different courses, with a varied range of aspirations have all progressed and achieved well over the two years of their courses.

Students, teachers and parents were delighted with the A level results we received today.

Most will now progress to their chosen universities and careers. 40% achieved A and B grades and the pass rate exceeds the national average. There were 14 students who achieved 3 or more A grades.

From this page of the school website

Sept 3 Chat, darren9_3.htm

d12_8_05.htm chat