Don't you think...

How do you feel when someone asks a question like: "Don't you think ...?"

Here is an example. You are in the middle of doing something and someone says, "Don't you think there is a better way to do that?" Or, "Don't you think you are wasting your time?"

Usually, when someone says "Don't you think..." they are actually trying to get you to agree with something that they are thinking.

Here is another example. Someone asked me, "Do you think that is healthy?" It was obvious to me that the person asking didn't think it was healthy.

One more example. A teenager is worried about her looks and thinks she is overweight. Her counselor says, "Do other people tell you that you are overweight?" She replies, "No." Then he asks, "Do other people tell you that you are attractive?" She replies, "Yes." Then he says, "So don't you think you are being a little hard on yourself?"

Again it is obvious what the counselor thinks. He is merely trying to get the girl to agree with him. In this case, the teen actually said, "No, I don't think I am being too hard on myself." At this point the counselor was in an awkward position. What could he say? Could he say, "Well, I think you are being too hard on yourself."? This would be the most honest thing. But if he said that the teen might say, "Well then why are you asking me? Why didn't you just say that?"

I would guess that when people are asked "Don't you think..." or "Do you think..." they are likely to feel judged and a bit entrapped. They are not likely to feel understood. Also, they may feel inferior, since the person asking the question takes on the role of knowing more than they do. Or they may feel insulted or resentful that the other person seems to feel superior to them.

A lot of people want to tell us what they think. In fact, I would say there are too many people who want to tell us what they think, at least before we have shown an interest in their opinion. (That is one good thing about writing -- it is a person's choice whether they read what we have to say!) I personally would prefer someone who told me how they felt instead of what they think. Then if I am interested in why they feel the way they do, I can ask.

For instance, someone might say, "I feel sad that you don't see yourself as attractive. I am afraid you are being hard on yourself and this is hurting your self-esteem." The other person does not feel cornered into responding to this, either by defending themselves or by agreeing. They can simply accept the honest offering of the first person's feelings. I know that I would feel more cared about and less judged and lectured to if someone told me they felt sad and afraid than if they tried to lead me into agreeing with them.

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Now, I'd like to know how you feel when you are asked questions like "Don't you think.." And I'd like to know what you think!

S. Hein
April 22, 2003

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Additional thoughts...

Another reason people say things like "Don't you think..." is probably to confuse us, to destablilize us, to make us doubt ourselves. When we are consfused, unstable and self-doubting we are more vulnerable and easier to control. And I have come to believe most people want to control us more than they really want to help us. Ironically, I have little doubt that the same parents who say things like "Don't you think..." would also tell their sensitive, intelligent teenagers that they "think too much" when their teens' thinking annoys the parents. This is something Steff's father would say to her when she was 14.

S. Hein
March 2005