Personal Writing about my own relationships, needs, people who have hurt me or others etc.

I am having a little trouble maintaining relationships lately. Well, actually I have had this trouble for a long time. I have about everything most people would ever want. Except stable relationships. I am still not sure what is going on. I spend a lot of time thinking about it. But one thing I am sure of is I don't want other people to suffer the losses I have from broken and damaged-beyond-repair relationships. I have been feeling more than a little suicidal recently. I am pretty sure that a loving relationship with one person would give me a reason to live. In fact, I think it would change my whole attitude 180 degrees. I will be the first to admit I am extremely emotional. I go from one extreme to the other, and it can change quickly. I don't think I have a chemical imbalance though, and I don't think I need medication. I think I just need the same thing the teenagers I work with need. Someone to listen to me, someone to believe in me, someone to encourage me, inspire me, accept me, admire me, respect me, support me, help me, spend time with me, hold me, and hug me when I cry. I think these are all pretty normal things. I don't think it is being unreasonable to want them. Actually I am pretty sure it is more than wanting them. I am pretty sure I need them. At least to function at a high level. I have just barely been living lately. I am probably operating at about 2 percent of my possible ability just in simple terms like writing, getting published, helping people etc. I spend so much time in a deep depression. A lot of this depression comes from feeling rejected, discarded, abandoned, alone and powerless to help the people I care the most about, who are the teens I have basically devoted all of my time and energy to for the psast 18 months.

Recently I found out that one teen who I had trusted the most, who I had put upon a pedestal, as another teen put it, had lied to me repeatedly. I will never know what was true and what wasn't. This was tremendously disillusioning for me. I will admit I am naive and trusting. It hurt me so much to find out she had lied. I thought of giving up my work with teens, but each time I try to walk away, I remember that for some people, they have no one else. There are very few people in the world who are telling teens the things I am. Just today for example I told someone that I believed we need more sensitive people and that I thought it was good that she was sensitive. She had never heard this before. Her mother tells her she is too sensitive. But her mother is defensive because her husband has been sexually abusing the teen, if what I am being told is true. I have to always add that now because I can't know for sure. But I do know that my own mother would get defensive and say things like that. Then she would deny that she said it or say that I just took it wrong. So I am very well aware that mothers can completely invalidate their own children. I showed this teen my page on invalidation and she had never seen anything like it. They don't teach such things in school. I don't know if they ever will or not. I feel a little cynical because I believe too many teachers would get defensive and resentful if their students knew when they were being invalidated. The simple things I teach are extremely empowering. So therefore they are threatening to any insecure person in a position of authority.

But back to my main issue of relationships. It really hurts me to keep losing people from my life. I know I have a sharp tongue and I carry a lot of deep-seated resentment. I know that I am emotionally needy. No one has to tell me this. But I also know, or at least I believe that I can be very forgiving and I can admit most of my problems. I also am able to apologize. But I can't force people to accept my apologies. I guess one problem is that my words can cut so deeply into some people that they simply cannot forgive me. Or maybe they just have been raised to be unforgiving, or they have been hurt so much before they met me. Or all of the above. I don't quite understand people like this though, because I usually am always willing to talk things through with someone and listen to their side of the story. I think I am able to see that when someone says hurtful things it is because they are hurting. I wish they would teach the importance of these kind of things in schools.

I don't always practice what I preach. But I do try to. Recently one of my former best friends, Nicole Norris, said something very hurtful to me. She said "Try practicing what you preach." She didn't explain what she meant. And she wasn't trying to help me. She was just trying to hurt me because she felt hurt. I don't believe I deserved what she said or how she has treated me recently. I have asked her to explain several things and she hasn't done so. So I am left wondering what happened. I spend a lot of time trying to figure things like that out. I am still trying to figure out why someone who I was in love with about twenty years ago won't talk to me. I wonder if I am really that bad of a person. I wonder if the people who won't talk to me would like to see me dead. I wonder if they would think the world would be a better place without me. I say this in all sincerity. I really do wonder these things. It makes me wonder if I really do have any value to the world. One of my ex-girlfriends told me after we broke up that the best thing I could do for the world was die. (Colette Robinson, of Sydney, Australia) Was this because I am such a bad person, or because she felt rejected and had been hurt, rejected, invalidated etc. so many times before she ever met me? I wonder about these things. She wants me to believe I am a bad person, Maybe this is like how abusive parents want to blame their children, or rapists want to blame the victim. I spend a lot of time thinking about these things. So I thought I might as well write about them tonight.

Some people seem to really like me and appreciate me. A counselor told me once, though, that I was too approval seeking and I shouldn't worry so much about whether other people appreciate me. But I haven't quite mastered that. I feel a big need to be appreciated. I put out a lot of energy, time and money to do things for people I care about. For some of these teens I am like a surrogate mother and father. I understand a little how parents can feel resentful when their children or teens don't appreciate them. But I also believe that children will appreciate their parents if the parents treat the children with respect and fill their emotional needs while they are growing up.

One problem I am running into is that I am meeting these teens after they have already been raised in extremely dsyfunctional homes. It is hard for them to really appreciate my help when they are so emotionally desperate. Some have told me how much they appreciate me, but now I wonder if that was part of their act to keep me emotionally "hooked." Later though, if I don't do everything just right, it seems they get resentful. Maybe it is impossible to fill someone else's emotional needs if you were not their parent for 15 or so years. Because my emotional needs weren't met, something I was reminded of just today when I called my mother, I expect and need a lot from people. Apparently I expect/need more than is possible. Or I am expecting/needing it from the wrong people. I am not sure which it is, or if it is a combination of both.

But anyhow, I have decided to try something new. I am always trying new things. Some work, some don't. But I keep trying. I have decided to list some of the people who I no longer have contact with to see if by chance someone will know them or they might find this page. They might resent me putting their names on here, but then again I resent them not talking to me. So I guess you could say I feel a little vengeful. I do, it is true. But what I really want is to be able to talk to these people or at least have some "closure" as the saying goes. It is hard for me to move on when all these memories are pulling me back. I don't know if this will help me or not, but it is something I keep thinking about. I keep wonderning, why doesn't so and so want to talk to me. I can't force them to tell me why. I would like to I suppose. I would like to be able to put them on the witness stand and ask them a lot of questions. This would be kind of amusing. I suppose I am a bit sick to find this amusing. But I like to analyze people. I like to provoke them and see how they will react. Maybe I am some kind of mad scientist and I haven't realize that yet. Maybe I am just mad. But I don't really want to hurt anyone. Not much anyhow. Provoke them would be a better term. Also, I don't want people to believe they can just discard someone. At least I don't want them to believe that I will feel discarded or abused and simply accept it without at least speaking out.

Actually, there are a lot of people I would like to list, for different reasons. Some I would like to talk to, some I just want to expose, so to speak. Like Mark Chambers, the lawyer in Fort Wayne who told me that he got a guy off on a murder charge when the guy admitted he had done it. This has bothered me for a long time. As I recall Mark was traveling to Philadelphia for the case. That is about all I know about it. Except that it was around 1994. Mark handled, or mishandled, my divorce case.

Then there is the police officer who lied about me in some Marshall Missouri. I think his first name was Brett. His father was also a police officer. And I think another of his relatives was too. They all seemed like pretty nice people. I saw Brett after the trial and asked him about his statement. He turned bright red and wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible. I will find his full name eventually and post it, and I will probably write him and tell him how much trouble his lying caused me later in life. I will ask him to clear the record, but I don't feel very optimistic he will. That is if I can find him. But I will mention the principal's name at the school where Brett was working. His name is Jim Tobin, if memory serves. He was the principal of Marshall High School. Tobin apparently pressured Brett to lie about me, and Tobin blatantly lied and put his lies in writing and signed his name to the lies. This is a principal of a high school I am talking about.

So anyhow, some other people I want to mention are Karen Hansen, or in her married name, Karen Dobson.We met in Austin, Texas. The last thing I know she was working for an insurance company in Houston. Her husband was Dwayne, as I recall. Karen was the first love of my life, with the possible exception of Carolyn Snider or Candy Smith. Another person who won't talk to me was Gretchen Helmig. She got married and I am not sure of her new name now, if she is still married. I loaned her a thousand dollars by the way, which she claims she sent me, but got defensive when I asked her to trace the check. I know I never got it.

I realize none of this stuff is important to anyone except me, but it helps me feel better. I reckon that I am in more pain than most of these people, and closer to killing myself if I don't clear up some of these memories which haunt me, so it is not too much to ask that they tolerate me posting their names. I only write what is true, by the way. I believe the truth is important. There is nothing I won't admit myself if someone posts something about me so I am not too worried about someone doing the same thing to me. I just want the truth to be known. I believe people need to know the truth to make decisions which are in the best interests of society. Unfortunately, not everyone deserves the truth though. For example, parents who punish their children for telling the truth. But still, in principle I believe society does need to know the truth. This is one reason I am so passionate about explaining why teens are cutting and killing themselves. And why I want to destroy this myth that they have a chemical imbalance. It is not a chemical imbalance. It is what I call EIPD. (Emotionally Incompetent Parent Disorder.)

Another person I want to mention is Nicole Norris of New York. She is the person I went to visit last year that was locked up in the mental ward of the hospital. She used to care about my feelings more than anyone else. Now she is the one who says "Try practicing what you preach." I really want to repair this relationship and I really don't know what happened. I have asked her several times to explain. Maybe I will write more about it later. I am hoping she will read this eventually, but I don't want to keep emailing her. She might have even blocked me. The last message I sent was returned.

I also want to mention Steff of England. This is another puzzling situation. And I am frightened by what I see happening to her and what I see her doing. I know a lot about her parents and how they treated her and I am afraid she is going to become a very hurtful person. I am also afraid she is going to end up very alone and bitter. Nicole also seems to be getting bitter. It saddens me to see so much bitterness at such young ages. I don't want anyone to live with the kind of bitterness that I am seeing in these people. I don't want them to have to live without finding the peace that comes from forgiveness and mutual respect and understanding. I aim for this, though I often miss the mark. I do know, at least, that it is worth trying for. So that is about all I wanted to say today. I guess I will just put this out to the "universe" as they say in the new age circles. I don't have much hope that anything good will come from it, but things can't get much worse than they are now as far as my relationships with these people go. Their silence, and Mark, Brett and Tobin's actions, continue to trouble me. So maybe this is a start towards healing from these wounds. I don't really like to use terms like that, but I don't know what else to call it! It sounds dramatic, but these things do trouble me. Sometimes I wish I weren't so sensitive, but then I remind myself that the real problem is not that I am too sensitive, but that others aren't sensitive enough, or they don't handle their sensitivity in healthy ways. Not that I do either, but at least I am talking about it and constantly looking for better ways. I need to find something better because all the dramas in my life are really taking their toll on me lately.

This situation with Laurie Quigg is still troubling me, for example. I am not sure if I should write him and let him know what I posted and give him an opportunity to reply, or just leave it alone. I am leaning towards writing him. And I have considered fiinding out who owns Computerquest and trying to talk to them, because I think the owner should at least be aware of it. Personally I don't think Laurie, in his present condition, should have as much power as he does. Then again, maybe I shouldn't either! Shall we vote on it? Should the majority of my website readers get to decide? Or the majority of Laurie's customers, or should we take a poll of the entire population of the world? Even then, how would we be sure the decision was the best one for humanity? How do we decide these things? Who makes such decisions? How do we decide who makes such decisions? I tend to be on the side of total freedom of speech, and letting individuals work things out between themselves, or with the help of someone like a mediator, not by having decisons imposed upon them. So I will say that I am willing to talk to anyone about anything I put on here. And willing to use a mediator to help out, if it came to that. But I like to think I am pretty flexible and open to compromising. I just don't like to be constantly abuse, abandoned, and mistreated in various other ways. And I don't like to see things happening in the world like what Mark Chambers did. It has been almost ten years now and I guess I am ready to let people know. It took a lot longer for me to let people know what Maurice Garnier did to me. I still don't know about the idea of posting people's names. I have mixed feelings. But today I decided to give it a try. Maybe I will change my mind tomorrow. If you have any comments, please let me know by clicking here to see how to contact me.

S. Hein
July 12, 2003