Abuse, conflict resolution, violence prevention and education

Yesterday Paula called me crying. Asked if we could talk. I met her at the place where we had ice cream the other day. On the phone she said, "Promise me you won´t be scared by my  face."

When I saw her she had a black eye. She told me that her ex boyfriend had come over to her house. Her neck was also badly bruised where he had grabbed her by the throat. I have never seen anything like this before on someone's neck. They got in an argument and she tried to walk out, but he stopped her from leaving. Then they started to fight.

She said she went to the police and they said there was not enough evidence to do anything. She said they told her that she could hire a private lawyer but she didn't have the money for this.

She said this is typical of Ecuador and women are beaten frequently. From what I have heard since I have been here, she is not exaggerating. Actually though, her ex bf is from Chile, a country which is said to be among the most educated in South America. But apparently they are not educating people in emotional literacy or peaceful conflict resolution. Paula says the laws need to be changed. I said it is also a matter of changing education so men know how to express their feelings with words. But this is also true for women. Women also need to learn how to express their feelings in a non attacking way. Many women know exactly how to provoke and hurt a man psychologically.

People are conditioned to think "We need more laws." But I say we need more education and training on the things that really matter. I have said before, "What good is a "good" education when there are students who are trying to kill themselves?" But the same can be said when there are students and recent highschool graduates who are physically fighting with their romantic partners.

Instead of police who arrest people and lawyers who are interested primarily in making money, what is needed is a place where a couple like this can go for counseling. If force is ultimately needed, it is better used to take fighting couples to a counseling center than to a jail cell. But by the time a person is in their late teens, as Paula is, it is very late to be trying to educate people about expressing feelings with "I messages." It is very late to be talking about non-violent conflict resolution. These things need to be taught in primary and secondary schools. And someone needs to be going around to schools talking about early warning signs of physically abusive and emotionally abusive people. These warning signs can be taught. For example, these warning sings come in the form of feeling feel pressured, controlled, disrespected, invalidated, or threatened. Awareness of these feelings can be taught. Violence can be prevented. Conflicts can be resolved. It is just a matter of education. Education and filling the emotional needs of children and teenagers.

This person did not hit Paula because he was starving from lack of food. He did not hit her because he did not have a place to sleep. He hit her because he was afraid of abandonment. He hit her because he felt out of control. But he lost even more control.

Unlike many women, Paula is - at least I hope and believe - too strong and self-confident to accept any more abuse from this person. She was already trying to end things with her ex. Just like Nicole Simpson was trying to end things with OJ Simpson when he killed her. In my crisis counseling training I was taught that the most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she really makes it clear she is leaving and the relationship is over.

This short training course, by the way, contained more practical information about psychology and human behavior than most psychology students will ever receive in their university or Ph.D programs. It is a course which would be helpful to all highschool students. If we are going to force young people to attend school, then let's at least give them practical courses.

Paula's ex has probably forever lost her friendship, love, caring and affection. He has certainly lost her respect. He acted in a self-destructive way. I can understand why he was so afraid of losing her. She is a special person. I have also lost special people in my life and I understand how painful and frightening it is. I understand how much it hurts and how desperate you feel. When you are emotionally starving and you find someone who meets many of your needs, you don't want to lose them. You feel threatened when they start to walk out the door or when they turn and walk away. You feel alone, vulnerable, helpless, powerless. If you chase after them and throw them to the ground or against the wall, or if you lock the door so they can not get out, you feel more powerful and in control. Temporarily.

But when they leave you for the last time, you realize how self- destructive your actions were.

Well, maybe you realize it. Maybe you don't. Maybe you blame the other person and you find another emotionally needy person and you go on to repeat the pattern again and again.

I understand this too well. I wish I didn't know exactly what the feelings were. I wish someone had told me how to express my feelings with words when I was 16 instead of having to learn it when I was 36. Twenty years. And yet I graduated with honors in highschool, college and graduate school. Is this what we call getting a good education? I don't think so.

We need conflict resolution centers. Places where people like Paula and her ex-boyfriend can go and talk to someone, learn new skills. We need this much more than we need prisons and judges and lawyers. We need conflict resolution centers in schools.

I am seriously considering opening a school here in Ecuador. If I do, we will train students in how to resolve conflicts. I don't want them coming to me for every conflict they have. I don't want them taking the English teacher's time. I don't want them to be dependent on us. I want them to be able to do it themselves. And I believe they will be able to do it in the vast majority of the cases. They just need training and knowledge.

It can be done.

S. Hein
Quito, Ecuador
March 6, 2004