David Caruso, the field of EI, dysfunctional families and other things
I have been thinking about David a lot tonight. I feel a little bad for saying that the world doesn't need more David Caruso's. (reference)
The world does need more David Caruso's, but with different training, guidance and experiences.
David wrote me the other day. It was obvious that there was some level of personal caring about me in his letter. He said something like "I am trying to reach out to you because I am afraid you are going to hurt yourself."
I appreciate David's caring. I really do. But what I need more from him is understanding. I feel lectured to a bit when David writes me. And I am afraid he talks to his kids the same way. Parents somehow think they are experts in about everything nine months after they have had sex and created a new human being. I am not sure where parents get this idea, whether it is during those nine months or sometime before or after, but pretty much all parents I know present themselves to their kids as some kind of experts and knowledge authorities. Then there is always the other side of authority. The power to hurt physically and psychologically. The fear part of authority, in other words.
But anyhow, back to David.
I haven't written David back. I feel a need to go my own way. I invite him to keep writing me when he wants, but won't promise to reply. I want to feel more independent. I don't want close ties with anyone unless I feel very understood and supported by them. I just need to keep following my own heart. I trust it.
I hope he read my journal entry, though, in which I wrote about his email. In it I basically said that it was good to care about someone, but more important to understand them. Or perhaps we can say it is necessary to understand someone before you start caring too much about them.
Here in Peru I have seen a lot of what I would call insecure attachment bonding between mothers and kids and teens. The mothers hit the kids, but also give them lots of hugs and cry over them. The other day someone told me how much a mother was crying and worried when her daughter was sick. She was trying to convince me that this was a good mother. But this same mother hits her daughter when the daughter talks back. The mother cares about her daughter, but doesn't really understand her since she hardly ever listens to her.
When David writes me he often is trying to convince me of something. I feel pressured by him and lectured to more than I feel understood. This is basically the reason I started attacking him in my personal journal and on the page I created about him and my personal experiences with him and his family.
But even though I said the world doesn't need more David Caruso's, I haven't given up on him. I am writing this now partly so others will read my thoughts/feelings and possibly learn from them, but more for David so he can think about things and possibly make changes, if he wants to, of course.
I like David so much. I think so highly of him. That is why I am so hard on him. It is much, much different than how I feel about Goleman or Emmerling or Heather D., for example. But maybe if I would meet them or if they would show me they are not as insecure and as mechanical as I think they are, then I probably would feel differently about them too. A friend of mine here in Peru said to me "Could you not be so demanding?" Well, I don't know. It is something that is a part of me now. But I will keep it in mind at least. I suppose David feels demanded upon or whatever the feeling would be. Well, yeah, I could understand that. And it probably is not an especially healthy feeling.
So I will try to say this softly. Without yelling. I do yell a lot. I was yelling here in Peru the other night when they were playing music at three in the morning. I had actually been asleep that time at three! It is now around five thirty and I have been up again since about three, with no music this time!
Anyhow, how could I say what I want to say to David without him feeling yelled at or demanded upon? Or disapproved of, which he might also feel.
I want David to feel challenged. I'd like to see him rise up to the occasion. To use a baseball analogy, since he loves it so much, lol, I will say I'd like to see him step up to the plate.
I read that he is going to Dubai or someplace for a presentation on EI. Danny Goleman will be there "live via satellite". Lol. I guess Dan is so popular now he is starting to charge money just for satellite appearances. What a joke.
Anyhow, I'd like to encourage David to make stronger statements about what Goleman did to the field of EI. Today I found something which I had written back in 2001. I want to show it to David again to remind him. This is the way I would like to see him talk about Goleman when he is in front of all of those people in Dubai, or wherever it is. David was talking about Dan's long list of components of EI. He said....
"When I see a list like this... I think it is absurd. I think it is ridiculous and I think it is embarrassing."
Then he added, "If you want to call yourself a science journalist, and write about emotional intelligence from a journalist's perspective, I think that is fine. I think it is great. But if you want to present yourself as a research scientist there is another standard to which you have to be held accountable."
I want to encourage David to make strong, bold statements like that again and stop kissing up to Goleman.
I also want to encourage him to speak out against people like Reuven BarOn. And even the publishers of his own test, MHS.
David is in a difficult situation now. I really think he is being pulled in two directions. Does he speak out against MHS for promoting BarOn's test as a test of emotional intelligence when the president, Steven Stein, could threaten to stop selling the MSCEIT test? Does David tell Stein that he and Jack and Peter have decided they won't let Stein sell their test as long as MHS is letting people believe the BarOn test is a test of emotional intelligence? Would Jack and Peter even go along with this? Or do they want to keep selling their tests with MHS, or do they have some legal contract now they are afraid of breaking?
And does David go along with more or less the corporate interpretation of the concept of EI or does he strike a new path? Does he start thinking about humanity or does he keep thinking about business and management? Does he stop being so American and try to get an international perspective, or does he remain what I have to call a bit narrow minded?
I wrote the other day that I felt obliged to be more of a leader in the field of EI. But I am not sure if that is what I am or not right now. I don't see many people promoting me as a leader, that's for sure! Not like they are promoting all the others, who to me are imposters.
I feel a strong need for someone to change the direction of the field of emotional intelligence. It seems like a lot of bullshit to me right now to be perfectly blunt.
Look at this list of speakers from some presentation on emotional intelligence. Three of them are said to be "pioneers" in the field when that is pure crap. Four of them are promoted as "experts" in EI or something else supposedly related. http://www.cgrowth.com/eqs.html....(back up copy)
I don't know how David feels when he sees things like this. Or how Jack feels. I have given up trying to get Jack to tell me how he feels. I feel frustrated by this, but I am trying to accept Jack as he is. He is a very timid person, very humble, non-aggressive person. I am tempted to say he is insecure, but I don't want to sound critical or judgmental. Yeah, I know, I do sound that way all the time, but I am at least trying to change a bit! Not many people give me credit for that. In fact, I can't think of anyone who does. I can't recall even one person saying "I give you credit for being so open on your website", at least not anyone who claims to be an "expert" in the field of EI. I get personal letters like that from individuals who read my site, but all the people making money from EI seem to want to avoid thinking about me. I feel invisible to them. And this just drives me more to expose them as fakes.
What do we really know about these "experts" and "pioneers"? For all we know they are absolutely shitty parents. Maybe they have been divorced five times, can't keep a relationship together any better than I can, and drink heavily or use drugs. Maybe they have been convicted of drunk driving or who knows what. Maybe their own teenage kids hate them or are on anti-depressants or have committed suicide. Who knows, but my question is, why are they so afraid to show us there personal lives?
I said recently that business people are insecure. This is another way I think they are insecure. They are afraid to reveal their personal lives to us. But why are they so afraid?? What are they so afraid of?
Well, I think it is pretty obvious actually. They are afraid of looking bad. And if the look bad, then who would hire them? And if no one hired them, how would they pay all their bills?
I am guessing that most of these EI consultants, experts and pioneers have a lot of debts. I think it is pretty safe to say that none would qualify as people who are "living simply." I would really like to know how much money they spend each month on average. And how much they charge for their consulting and speaking. And how much time they have spent in a country like Indonesia or Peru.
Traveling to these places has changed me forever. I see that it is not money which makes people happy or unhappy. People were so happy and friendly in Indonesia. And I have heard it is the same or even more so in Cambodia.
But here in Peru they are so unhappy. It is the worst of both worlds. They have no money and they have no emotional security. They are so incredibly insecure here. The Catholics are great at creating insecurity, laying guilt trips, judging people, making people feel duty bound etc. Let's not forget David was raised as a Catholic. This had to affect him dramatically. I am not sure if he would agree with this, but not many insecure people can agree that they were damaged as they were being raised, supposedly by loving parents.
Which takes me back to the caring and understanding thing. And let's add acceptance. David wrote me a few personal things once which I won't put on here. But I will give you and him something to think about. What happens when your parents have convinced you that they love you, and there is no doubt about it in your mind, but still you feel lectured to, judged, not understood and not accepted?
I say that then you have a real mess.
I say that it will be very, very hard to see what happened to you. Very hard to see anything wrong with what your parents or family did because you don't want to criticize them. After all, they loved you and cared about you and were always there for you. This is exactly how it is here in Peru. Exactly.
Families stick together here, no matter how dysfunctional they are.
One thing I have done which David and probably most of the other "experts" have not done, is I have basically cut all ties with my family. This frees me to say whatever I want, do whatever I want. I don't feel too defensive or protective if someone criticizes my family. Instead I am likely to say, "Yep, you're right, that is how it was."
So this leads me to think that one of the main reasons David doesn't like me putting the stuff on my site about Goleman's wife, Tara, and her screwed up mother, is that David believes you just don't attack families. Well, this is one of those things David and I fundamentally disagree on.
I say nothing is sacred. We have to question everything, explore everything, be truthful about everything.
Every psychologist worth two cents will tell you that a main problem in dysfunctional families is not talking about things. Secrecy. Covering up. Making excuses. Lying.
This happens all the time here in Peru. It is the norm.
I say we need to stop being so secretive, so protective of our own problems and our family's problems. I believe I am a model in this regard for the rest of the so called "field" of EI.
I would like to see any of them do what I have done.
Who doesn't have skeletons in their closet?: Who doesn't have things they feel ashamed of and embarrassed about and afraid of other people knowing about? I challenge these people who are judging me and taking their links off of their sites to tell the world as much about their personal lives as I have done. But I am not going to hold my breath, because I don't think there is anyone who will do it. First because they are afraid. And second because they are too busy marketing themselves, writing proposals, sending out business letters, flying around giving talks on business management, etc. etc. I know they are busy. And I don't really fault them for that alone. But I say the world would be a better place if they would slow down and do more self-reflection and write about it so we all can see a more true picture of them.
One reason I admire Josh Freedman more than someone like Dan Goleman or Reuven BarOn is because he does do some reflection. He does send out some personal writing. It is not as personal as my journals but he does admit he is not perfect. Of all the people I've had much experience with in this "field", Josh seems to be one of the more real. I have never met him, but I base this on my emails back and forth with him and on what he writes about his own attempts at being a good father.
Well it is after six now and I am starting to get sleepy. So I will spell check this since I have noticed today I have posted a lot of stuff without checking it first, which gives my friend Rob something to fell self-righteous about no doubt!
Then I will do a few other things and probably nod off back to sleep. The garbage truck with its annoying clanging bell has already gone by and there is no music downstairs so maybe I will be able to actually sleep now!
S. Hein April 19, 2005 Chiclayo, Peru
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