Cutting the Lifeline
Parents of Suicidal Teens,
Punishment, Control,
Honesty, Money and Mental Health "Professionals"
Over three years ago I wrote that the Internet is a lifeline for suicidal teenagers.
Recently it has become more clear to me that parents of suicidal teens often are cutting this lifeline in a blatant, brutal, and possibly lethal last ditch effort to control the human beings that society has labeled "their" children, as if they were possessions like basketballs or bicycles that can be easily purchased and easily thrown out when they no longer are pleasing to the owners.
A few months ago I introduced my idea of a suicidal teen chat support group. This idea has proven to be very successful. The teens have responded even more wonderfully than I would have imagined. They have been so helpful to and so caring of each other. Some nights after I have watched them chatting with each other in group chats, I go back to my room and lay in bed and just smile thinking of how beautiful it is to see them helping each other in their own unique and individual ways.
One of the teens we have been helping is a 14 year old who I have named "Jen" to protect her identity. Her parents have recently blocked her from getting on to MSN with some kind of a password control. Jen used to chat with me and other teens every night. She told us over and over how helpful it was to her. She started feeling cared about and understood. She started feeling more self-confident, less suicidal and more "empowered." But she also started seeing more clearly how she was being abused, controlled and invalidated. So she became a bit more rebellious and defiant. She started standing up for herself and for her feelings, and started "talking back" more.
So her parents did what most abusive parents seem to do. They cracked down on her. They banned her from the Internet. They knew how important it was to her. They wanted to hurt her as much as they could, while still acting within the laws. It is perfectly legal for parents to ban a suicidal teen from talking to someone who is helping her on the Internet, and her parents are smart enough to know this. They are both "educated", with university degrees.
They started watching her every time she went online to do homework. She continued to sneak onto MSN, though, whenever she could, and continued to keep in contact with us. She has been protesting against this inhumane action by her parents and they mockingly told her to report them as child abusers, knowing that no one would take her seriously.
But they are abusers. Not child abusers, though, because Jen is no child. She is more capable intellectually and emotionally than most university students. So we can call Jen's parents "teen abusers." And if Jen kills herself, we can call them teen murderers.
I used to feel personally robbed when parents would stop their teens from talking to me. Now it is something larger than that. I am seeing now how serious this problem is, not just to me on a personal level being robbed of some of the most emotionally supportive people I have ever had in my life, but on a larger level.
The teens and I have created something like a family of our own now. We all care about each other and help each other. When someone like Jen is banned from the Internet it hurts all of us. She was a huge help to other teens. And other teens were a huge help to her. She still emails us when she gets a chance and says that I and the others are the only thing which keeps her going. She says she will continue to fight to be able to talk to us again. She was afraid we would forget about her so she wrote to all of us the other day, and she felt encouraged that we wrote her back. We wouldn't forget Jen anymore than an emotionally healthy family would forget one of its most loved members. Jen is a special person and we all know it and sense it on a level that can't be put into words no matter how many feeling words I have on my list.
The other day I talked to a teen in Canada who said her mother was cutting the Internet completely from the home, claiming it was because they couldn't afford it. But she also said it was because the teen refused to obey her. So we can only guess what the primary motivation is. My guess it is retaliation against the teen who has been too rebellious and defiant for the mother to handle. So this is a desperate, pathetic attempt by the mother to hurt the teen. It is probably not even fair to say it is an attempt to control her because this teen seems to be beyond that. She seems very sure of herself and aware that her mother has abused her for years. I'd say it is really just a way to hurt the teen since the mother feels hurt that the teen has rejected her "authority."
This teen has also been locked up in a mental hospital in Canada. She told me that I can release the name. It is Surrey Memorial in British Columbia. She was there for two and a half months and said it was the worst time of her life. I plan to write to the hospital authorities and ask a few questions.
One question I will ask is why they don't provide Internet access to the teens. This hospital has a special adolescent section. It doesn't take a PhD in psychology to know teens like to chat, yet I've never heard of single mental hospital providing Internet access to teens.
So why don't they provide this?
I can tell you one reason they don't. They don't want the teens reporting what is going on inside. Just like airlines don't want passengers to use cell phones if the plane is about to crash. It makes them look bad. And we know that what is really important to people in power is their image. Mostly because their image means money, or lack thereof. Imagine what would happen if Surrey Memorial got a bad reputation for how they treated teens. Psychiatrists would start sending the teens somewhere else. And think of all the money Surrey Memorial would lose.
Let's be realistic. People who run hospitals care about money. Not suicidal teens.
If they did, they would let teens hug each other. And they would offer the teens hugs.
This is something else I have been meaning to write about. It also doesn't take a PhD in psychology to know that a hug is one of the best forms of emotional support, if not the very best. So why wouldn't a hospital supposedly treating teens for mental health problems be using "hug therapy"? Why would they tell teens that hugging is not allowed? And Surrey Memorial is not the first hospital I have heard this about.
I can tell you one reason why. They are afraid of getting sued.
Just like how it is illegal for school teachers to hug children or teens. The school administrators are afraid of getting sued.
It all comes down to money. Let us be very honest with each other.
Honesty is needed if we are going to solve the problem of teen suicide. And frankly, I don't see much honesty on the part of the so called mental health professionals.
S. Hein
June 14, 2005
Cajamarca, Peru