Motivation and "Laziness"

Recently I met someone who told me that when she was young she was "too lazy" to take her book bag upstairs. Her father didn't like her book bag downstairs and he would get very upset about it. I thought more about this expression "too lazy."

It seems to mean that a person is not sufficiently motivated. This person is now running her own business, so I don't think "laziness" is an inherent character trait of hers.

So the next question which came to mind is "what would motivate a teenager to take their book bag upstairs?"

Evidently the father, who was a psychologist himself, yet still regularly hit his daughter for disobedience, believed that fear of his punishment would motivate her. He also believed that she was doing it deliberately to provoke him.

She told me she just saw no point to taking it upstairs when she was just going to have to bring it down again the next morning. She said she wasn't doing it to provoke him but that he just took everything personally. She also said she didn't understand why he couldn't have helped her find a compromise, such as finding a spot downstairs to put it where it would not upset him. This seemed logical to me. But for her father the book bag became a symbol of his authority.

But what was his authority based upon? It seems he was trying to base it upon fear and power. I suppose if he frightened her sufficiently, she would be motivated by fear to take her book bag upstairs each day. I suppose then she would not have gotten a view of herself as "too lazy" to take it up. But I wonder if she would have realized that she was too afraid of her own father to leave it downstairs.

I remember hearing motivational speaker Dennis Waitley say there are two basic forms of motivation: fear and desire. I wonder if it is possible to raise a child by instilling in them a desire to do things which the adults want them to do. Actually, I believe it is natural for children to seek the approval of the significant adults around them. On the other hand, I don't think it is that important whether someone's book bag is upstairs or downstairs so I don't want to suggest that adults create a teenager who gladly does things just to please the adults around them. This would put the teen's own needs and individuality in jeopardy.

I believe a major goal of parenting is to raise a human being who thinks about his or her own needs and preferences as well as those of others. I believe this can be done more easily without using fear as motivation. I say this because when someone is afraid they are not thinking about all of their needs. They are only thinking about avoiding pain. Another problem is people who have been raised on fear will not feel respected. They will resent being treated this way and this resentment will keep them thinking of their own needs for much longer in life than if they had been treated respectfully.

When we feel respected and safe (not afraid) some of our most basic emotional needs are met. When our own needs are met it is much easier for us to think about others and their needs. It feels good to help others and this good feeling motivates us to keep helping others. When we are motivated by helping others we have tapped into an infinite source of motivation because there will always be more people to help.

S. Hein
Jan 2003