Misbehavior

Today I saw this word used again. This time in an article about emotional abuse. Nearly everything else in the article to that point had been well-written and well-stated. But then the author said this:

Emotional abusers are prompted not by children's misbehavior, but by their own psychological problems.

While I agree with the idea behind this statement, I strongly disagree with the use of the word "misbehavior". In this case the "misbehavior" of the child was feeling afraid to put her head under water -- a very logical and rational fear for a child to have.

Here is the context of the story:

As I was leaving gym one morning, I overheard a mother berating her daughter for refusing to put her face in the water during a toddlers' swim class. "You're such a little coward," she told the sobbing child -- who could not have been more than three years old. "It's the same every week. You always make your daddy and me ashamed. Sometimes I can't believe you're really my daughter."

I believe we can all agree that not wanting to put her face in the water was not "misbehavior" - no more than it was a "sin" - to use another subjective, authoritarian, irrational and outdated word.

All behavior is driven by some need. In this case it was the girl's instinctive need to feel safe. Her mother, instead of helping her feel safe by validating the child's feelings and showing understanding, created more fear and insecurity. Now the child is afraid of the mother as well as of drowning.

And because of the laws in most countries, this child is likely to suffer an undeserved prison sentence of 18 years of living with such a mother. The damage to the child and to society will be immeasurable.

Too many adults simply repeat words like "misbehavior" without ever thinking about what a child or teen needs. What is called misbehavior is more accurately described as "unwanted behavior" - unwanted by the adult, of course. So the adult is concerned with what *they* want and is trying to change the child or teen accordingly.

If the child or teen were to do the same thing, they would no doubt be labeled as "selfish."

Isn't it convenient to be able to define the words used in our language? Isn't it convenient to be the "adult"?

S. Hein
Feb 6, 2012
Tanah Rata, Malaysia

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See Teen Prison, Teen Advocacy, Emotionally Abusive Mothers

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