| Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com
What
is a community? And do I want to be part of one? Here are some questions I would ask before "joining" a "community.
I feel a little scared when someone says "Welcome to our community" I am afraid I have just entered the "territory" of some kind of gang, mafia or cult. I feel very skeptical of groups. I feel suspicious of them. I feel afraid of them. I feel afraid of what is called democracy. I am often in the minority and the majority usually believes it has the "right" to enforce their will, their rules, their laws upon me. I have been thinking about this idea of a "community" a lot in the past few days. It started when I tried to send a private message to someone in another forum. I got an automated, programmed message saying I wasn't allowed to send another private message. The system counts how many posts I have made and how many messages I have sent. The system, programmed by someone I would call a person with a big unmet need for control, is set up so the "members" must make two posts per each one PM sent. I had already sent one PM. And I had only made one post. So I "resigned" to the rule, the restriction on my freedom, and I made another post, thinking with 2 I would be "allowed" to send my PM. But I still was not "allowed" to. I felt very controlled. And other painful feelings but I will leave it with that for now. So I posted my third post, which was a complaint about the system. I said I felt very frustrated because I had just wanted to send one PM. The owner of the "community", ie the owner of the forum, wrote a somewhat defensive reply. He did not say, "Sorry about that. I can understand why you would feel frustrated. I am going to change the system...." No, he didn't say that at all. Instead he said "This is a community... " And blah, blah, blah. My immediate thought was, "A community? Or a dictatorship?" We "members" did not discuss or vote on the rule about posts and PM's. So how the ___ is it a "community"? Let us not kid ourselves, lie to ourselves. Every forum which claims to be a "community" is controlled by a very few number of people. Or perhaps by just one person. I have created and controlled more than one forum in my life. I know how they work. It is my forum when I create it. I can ban people, make any rules I want, even shut down the complete forum. So again, let us not be misled or mislead ourselves into belieiving we have a "community" if in fact it is not "ours." Personally, I really do not think I want to "belong" to any community at all. I prefer to simply interact with individuals, equals -- individuals who have no more power over me than I have over them. Or that is one idealistic thought I have anyhow. I am not sure how well it would work in practice. But I know I feel scaed when someone says "Welcome to our community." In fact, I feel very scared. Notice, by the way, how we say "belong to" a community, as if we are the property of the community, owned by the community. When something "belongs" to me, I own it.) I know from experience, that I will not be "welcome" in a community if I express my true thoughts and feelings. I have tried going in to churches where they have a sign outside that says "All our welcome!". Yet it doesn't take long before it is obvious I am no longer welcome. All I have to do is ask a few questions. I have noticed for many years that people are afraid of my questions. They feel threatened by them. One question I always have is "Why are people so afraid and insecure?" I think I know the answer now, but that is the subject of another essay. Quickly though, I will say it is because for thouands of years, going back at least as far as the "Old Testament" we have been judged and punished. There has been no safe place for any of us who have grown up under or surrounded by monotheistic beliefs. Again, that is the short answer... In any case, I joined one "community" just the other day. I told people I was affraid of feeling judged, labeled, invalidated etc. So what happened? At least two people assured me that that would not happen. Yet in the very first reply, by a person who assured me that I would be safe to post there, I was judged and discredited. It was subtle enough that no one else noticed it. But I felt it. I trust my feelings much more than I trust someone's "reassurance" that I will be safe etc. This reminds me that in Australia they would say "Be assured that..." But more often than not, what they were trying to tell me not to worry about, ended up happening. So I began to feel suspicious and skeptial whenever I heard someone say "Be assured." This is like telling me how to feel. And how to behave at the same time! No thank you. I prefer to decide for myself how I feel and how I behave. At the same time, I appreciate the thought when someone says "Welcome to our community." I feel very alone. Very alone. So alone it is one of the reasons I feel suicidal when I do. So it is a nice thought to think I might be welcome somewhere. I might "fit in" somewhere. I might "belong" somewhere (as Glasser talked about belonging) Kind of like it was a nice thought when I was inside a Catholic church listening to a man dressed in a black robe known as the priest or "father" talking about my own biological father. He said "Your father is up in Heaven looking down on us now. He is at peace. He sends you his love." Or something like that. It was a nice thought, even if total BS. So we will see if I really feel welcome in this "community". It is a nice thought. But I have learned to expect rejection. I have this problem. I can't keep my mouth shut or my fingers from typing. It has caused me much, much, much pain in my life. Yet I need to express myself. It is one of my most fundamental needs at this stage of my life. So I keep looking for a safe place to express myself. And a place where I will feel valued. If I could find a place or even one person with whom I could feel safe and valued, I would feel so much more motivated and so much less depressed. Much of my motivation for writing this, in fact, comes from a person named Rayne who left me a supportive message on the same forum where someone said "Welcome to our community." But wait, I must correct myself, I just checked the post. It said "Welcome to the community." Not "our." still, it is a bit scary. I don't want to start to feel too dependent on it or any "community" or any person. There is one person I need in my life. I need her for her emotional support. She is asleep now inside the house. When I get done writing this I might go back inside, lay down and whisper "I love you" to her when she moves a bit in the bed. It is 6:26 AM now. I woke up during the night, as I so often do, thinking, and in pain. I spend most of my time trying to stop my pain. I want to thank the members of the ___ community/forum for not saying anything judgemental etc. I asked them to look at my website and comment if they could say something supportive. I asked them specifically not to comment if they could not say something emotionally supportive. and so far they have respected that request. I wrote that I have been feeling emotionally fragile and I needed a place where I felt safe and valued. The responses were interesting. A lot of people viewed the post but so far just 2 replied, as I have already talked about here. I wonder if many people simply did not know how to say something supportive. Most of us, in the English speaking culures, if not in many or most others, never learned much about emotional support. This reminds me of man in a mens class I taught in an adult learning center. His wife had asked for a divorce. She told him he didn't give her emotional support. I remember he had a large gold and diamond ring on his finger. He was financially "successful.". But he said he didn't even know what she meant by emotional support. He said, "I take her places she wants to go. I buy her things she wants..." He really did not get it. I still feel compassion for him and pain at the knowledge of how many people in the world never received enough emotional support, never learned one thing useful about it in all their years of education, often including PhD's in psychology even. Which reminds me of a girl I met from Buenos Aires recently. She said her mother was a psychologist. I said in my experience that usually means trouble for the kids. The girl laughed and said, "We have an expression: Mas loco que hijo de psicologo" That means, "Crazier than the son/daughter of a psychologist. Thanks for reading. S. Hein Note: If you are interested in my work and have not read my writing on invalidation, I recommend it to help you understand this essay. Tags - Editorials/Democracy/Forums/Essay |
Respect | Empathy
Emotional Literacy |