I was a soldier in the
US army. I was sent to Afghanistan, then Iraq. I was
told we were fighting terrorism. I was told I was
defending my country. But I felt bad about what I was
doing. I felt guilty for killing people, for
destroying their homes, businesses, neighborhoods. I
talked to my officer and he sent me to the army
psychologist. He told me my feelings were a result of
negative thinking and he tried to teach me what he
called positive psychology. But it didn't work. I
just felt worse. I felt dishonest with myself. I
couldn't lie to myself and tell myself that what I
was doing was ok. So I got more and more depressed.
Finally I was sent home. I still feel very depressed.
I feel failful I feel disloyal. My father has laid
many guilt trips on me. He was a career military man
and he always pushed me to become a soldier. But I
never felt right about it. I have still been seeing a
military psychologist and psychiatrist. But what they
are doing isn't helping. I am getting more and more
depressed. They keep telling me that my feelings are
a result of negative thinking. I have been hearing
this for nearly a year. I can't take it anymore. Last
night I was seriously thinking of suicide for the
first time. I have been thinking about it for a very
long time, but last night was the worst. I actually
started planning how I might do it, what I would
write in my letter to my family.
I know I would tell
them to please not send anyone else to fight in any
more wars. That there must be a better way. That we
are all humans. We all have feelings. I would tell
them to listen to their children and not urge them to
become soldiers. I would tell them to explain to my
nieces and nephews and younger cousins who I love
that I feel terrible for doing this and I hope they
will never have to be in the pain and confusion that
I have been in. And that the reason I am doing this
is because it seems no one understands and please,
please, please when they are parents, to please
listen to their own children. And teach them how to
solve conflicts peacefully, in a non-violent way, and
teach them that we don't need weapons in the world.
That we can find better ways to live together. And
teach them not to believe everything they are told by
the government. Teach them to trust their own
instincts and feelings and if something doesn't feel
right, don't do it. Even if someone in authority
tells you that you should and you must because it is
your duty. Teach them that they have a higher duty. A
duty to all of mankind, to all of humanity, not just
to someone dressed up in a uniform from the country
you were raised in. Teach them that it is possible
that the people in authority could be wrong. And that
in other countries they teach different things,
different beliefs, and maybe we are the ones who are
wrong, not them. Or at least maybe we should listen
to our enemies instead of killing them.
That is what I would
write in a letter to my family. I hope and pray that
I never have to write that letter. I hope and pray
someone will listen to me now, that someone will
understand what I am going thru, so I will never have
to write that letter. I am crying now. My father
always said to be strong and only sissies cry. But I
don't believe that. I never believed it. I always
thought it was natural to cry. I love my father but I
don't believe he was the right father for me. I feel
terribly guilty saying that, but I must speak the
truth. To keep lying to myself is killing me. All
this positive psychology is killing me. Please,
someone, understand.
S. Hein
Jan 22, 2015