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Good Mom - Bad Mom, Abusive Mom Test

Below are the first 10 questions of the "Good Mom/Bad Mom" test. The full test is here.

If you would like to send us your story so we can add it to our Letters from the Unloved page, please write us.

The Short Test

1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you." "What he did was unforgivable."

2.Does she tell you that it is a sign of weakness to cry?

3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes?,

4. Does your mother always have to have the last word?

5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguments?

6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?

7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you?

8. Does your mother ever, or did she ever, tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you."

9. Does she or did she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"

10. Does your mother, or did she used to, say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?





Core Topics

Respect | Empathy
Caring | Listening

Other EQI.org Topics:

Emotional Literacy
Invalidation | Hugs
Emotional Abuse |
Feeling Words
Depression |Education
Emotional Intelligence
Parenting | Personal Growth

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Number of "Yes" Answers

3-5 Your mother is probably not good for your emotional health.

6-8 Your mother is somewhat emotionally abusive.

9-10 Your mother is very emotionally abusive.

Note - Even if you do not answer yes, to any of these questions, it doesn't mean your mother is good for your mental health. These questions are just one indication of certain types of emotionally abusive mothers.

Some other questions which are useful:

How much do you feel approved of by your mother from 0-10?
How accepted do you feel from 0-10?
How judged do you feel?
How trusted?
How understood?

From 0-10, how safe do you feel to tell her how you really feel, and what you really think and believe?

The test was originally developed for depressed teenagers, in particular girls, so it still is written in that way. Therefore to take the test we ask that you to think back to when you were a teenager as you take the test.

Here is what one person who took the test told us

I thought it was a good test. I really "went back" to that age.... I have recently cut off my mother (3 years ago) and your test helped me get in touch (once again) with the WHY of it all....

- From "Sandy"


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On that page you can order our book "Letters from the Unloved", which we recommend if you are interested in issues related to emotionally abusive mothers, self-harm, and depression. It is a book of actual letters from teenagers around the world.