EQI.org Home | Emotional Abuse Characteristics
of Emotionally Abused People
Also Known as
Signs Of Emotional Abuse
On this page you will
find several detailed and quite extensive lists compiled
in different ways and by different people.
From our own work and
from summaring the lists we can say that, in general,
people who are being, or have repeatedly been,
emotionally abused feel:
Here are the the more
detailed lists
List 1- Based on studies of Adult Children
of Alcoholics
List 2
List 3 Based on
Research on Narcisisstic Peronality Disorder
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List 1 - Based on studies of Adult
Children of AlcoholicsThis list is from the work of Janet Geringer
Woititz. She did her original work on adult children of
alcoholics, but I believe her findings can be generalized
to people who were emotionally abused in general.
Certainly all children of alcoholics were emotionally
abused.
- Can only guess at what healthy
behavior is.
- Have trouble completing things
- Lie when they don't need to.
Lying might have been a survival tactic in the
home. (She explains that perhaps the child
learned from parents who lied to cover up
problems or avoid conflict. Or simply to avoid
harsh punishment, or to get needed attention. But
as an adult, that tactic is no longer
helpful.)
- Judge themselves without
mercy.
- Have trouble accepting
compliments.
- Often take responsibility for
problems, but not successes.
- Or they go to the other
extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for
mistakes while trying to take credit for the work
of others.
- Have trouble having fun since
their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed.
- Take themselves very seriously
or not seriously at all.
- Have difficulty with intimate
relationships.
- Expect others to just
"know what they want." (They can't
express it because they were so often
disappointed as children that they learned to
stop asking for things.)
- Over-react to things beyond
their control.
- Constantly seek approval &
affirmation.
- Feel different from others.
- Are extremely loyal, even when
facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty
is undeserved.
- Are either super responsible
or super irresponsible.
- Tend to lock themselves into a
course of action without giving serious
consideration to alternative behaviors or
possible consequences. (This impulsiveness leads
to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control
over their environment. The result is they spend
much energy blaming others, feeling victimized
and cleaning up messes.)
She also makes this observation:
Intelligent people, through
their ability to analyze, often realize things which are
disconcerting, which others would not see. They also are
often capable of feeling more deeply, both pain and joy.
Adapted from Struggle
for Intimacy, by Janet Gerringer Woititz
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List 2 Based on Recovery and Support Groups
- We have feelings of low self-
esteem (This is a result of being criticized too
often as children and teenagers.)
- We perpetuate these parental
messages by judging ourselves and others harshly.
We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves
by being perfectionistic, controlling,
contemptuous and gossipy.
- We tend to isolate ourselves
out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other
people, especially authority figures.
- We are desperate for love and
approval and will do anything to make people like
us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain
"loyal" in situations and relationships
even when evidence indicates our loyalty is
undeserved.
- We are afraid of losing
others.
- We are afraid of being
abandoned.
- It is difficult for us to
"let go."
- We are intimidated by angry
people and personal criticism. This adds to our
feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
- We continue to attract
emotionally unavailable people with addictive
personalities.
- We live life as victims,
blaming others for our circumstances, and are
attracted to other victims (and people with
power) as friends and lovers. We confuse love
with pity and tend to "love" people we
can pity and rescue. And we confuse love with
need.
- We are either
super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take
responsibility for solving others' problems or
expect others to be responsible for solving ours.
This enables us to avoid being responsible for
our own lives and choices.
- We feel guilty when we stand
up for ourselves or act in our own best
interests. We give in to others' needs and
opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.
- We deny, minimize or repress
our feelings as a result of our traumatic
childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our
inability to identify and express our feelings
has had on our adult lives.
- We are dependent personalities
who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment
that we tend to stay in situations or
relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears
and dependency stop us form ending unfulfilling
relationships and prevent us from entering into
fulfilling ones. Because we feel so unlovable it
is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can
really love us, and won't eventually leave us
once they see how "bad" we are.
- Denial, isolation, control,
shame, and undeserved guilt are legacies from our
family. As a result of these symptoms, we feel
hopeless and helpless.
- We have difficulty with
intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our
relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal
limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our
partner's needs and emotions. We often become
codependent.
- We tend to procrastinate and
have difficulty following project through from
beginning to end.
- We have a strong need to be in
control. We overreact to change things over which
we have no control.
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List 3 Based on Research on
Narcisisstic Peronality Disorder Always
apologizing for never doing things right
Trying to keep a low profile to avoid being noticed
Making up stories to others about the quality of your
relationship with _____
Blaming yourself for never doing things well enough
Always feeling anxious when ____ is around, or even when
thinking of them returning or showing up
Feeling guilty for making _____ feel the way
they do
Always confused about _______'s sudden changes in
behavior
Frequently exhausted from never knowing what might happen
next
Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to
avoid causing disapproval, judgment, anger.
Coming home to find Dr. Jekyll and suddenly discovering
Mr. Hyde, and never knowing what caused the change
Never completely trusting ______
Never feeling respected or equal in the relationship
Always worrying about their performance and behavior
Often wondering if its OK if they phone or meet
with friends or family
Having to ask permission to do anything / IE being afraid
to do things without permission
Not being allowed to get a job or to start to become
financially indepedent
Being afraid to give your opinion
Never or almost never being able to win any argument
Often wondering what you did wrong
Often wondering whether you deserved to be punished or
treated the way ____ treated you for something you did or
didn't do
--
xx not finished editing
Avoiding arguments at all costs
Always attempting to try harder to make
things better
Chronically feeling empty
May periodically have suicidal thoughts
Wishing for someday when things will change,
but someday never comes
After breaking up with their narcissistic partner, all
they want to do is run back to them
Repeatedly making excuses for and forgiving their
partners unacceptable behaviors, which continue to
happen
Often wondering how they got into this situation to begin
with
Always being told everything is their fault
Oftentimes feel humiliated by their partner
Constantly fearing abandonment by the partner, so
doing whatever it takes to keep him
Doing things they are uncomfortable with because they
feel pressured to do so
Compromising their values, needs, and beliefs because
their partner wants them to
Discovering that the narcissist has frequently lied or
misled them
Feeling like no one else could possibly love them
Believing they are not as important as their partner
Taking their partners advice, although their gut
tells them not to
Feeling like theyre living a lie that the
outside world sees them one way, while the inner reality
is definitely something entirely different
Feeling subservient or less-than their partner
Rarely feeling like their needs are being met or even
acknowledged
Never doing anything unless their partner says its
OK
Their friends tell them they are being abused, but they
just cant see it
Feeling like they are being parented that
theyre too immature or childish to be able to think
on their own
Often wishing they would have never gotten into this mess
to begin with and now dont know how to get out
Frequently feeling numb or depressed
They no longer know who they really are
May end up looking like the crazy one in xx?
the end xx check orig
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