Master Table of Contents for Miscellaneous Books and Tapes
Miscellaneous book notes - (file 2)
Table of Contents
Demian, Hermann Hesse
Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse
The search for meaning Naylor, et al
I'm okay, your okay, Harris
How to stop worrying and start living, Dale Carnegie
How to survive the loss of a love, Colgrove, Bloomfield, McWilliams
Looking out for number one, Robert Ringer
Restoring the American dream, Ringer
On the wings of self-esteem, Louise Hart
The Power of Unconditional Love
A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships
Love, Leo Buscaglia
Demian, Hermann Hesse */
Siddhartha -Hermann Hesse */
The Search for Meaning by Thomas Naylor, William Willimon & Magdalena Naylor */
About: Life histories; Coming to terms with meaninglessness; Separation from selves and others; Consequences of merely having; Meaning through being; Forming personal philosophy/personal strategy to find/create meaning.
"..sometimes in a university, students become knowledgable in every possible subject except life and how to live it..." p.5
"If America is about nothing else, it is about the invention of the self. Because we have little use for history, and because we refuse the comforts of a society established on the blueprint of class privilege, we find ourselves set adrift at birth in an existential void, inheriting nothing except the obligation to construct a plausible self, to build a raft of identity.... Who else is the American hero if not a wandering pilgrim who goes forth on a perpetual quest?" From Lewis H. Lapham: "Who and what is an American" Harpers Magazine. Jan 92 p 46
Meaninglessness is cause of mood altering activities like drinking/drugs etc. Students just want to be taught to be money making machines. They just want 3 things Money, power, material things.
Essential questions include
Why am I here?
Who am I?
What do I believe?
Where am I going?
What is the purpose of life?
What will happen when I die?
p 9 The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life... To become aware of the possibility of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair. Walker Percy The Moviegoer
"The quest for meaning... is a search for grounding and connectedness linking the spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physiological dimensions of life." p 16
p. 11 "While subscribing to an ideology that raises individualism to almost godlike status, most college students behave as world- class conformists."
Too little attention is devoted to the open discussion of life's fundamental questions in our homes, ... schools, and universities. It is almost as if there were a vast conspiracy to talk about everything else but matters of importance. People are afraid to express their doubts about conventional wisdom.
He gets confused with the idea of a "soul" and this leads him (and others) on a wild goose chase. He talks too much about "gods".
p 65 ... there is no military solution to America's drug problem. People take drugs because they are alienated and powerless and have no sense of meaning in their lives. All the aircraft carriers and battleships in the world will not make Americans less dependent on drugs.
No matter which label we use -- alcoholic, drug addict, child abuser, rapist, murderer, or polluter--all are examples of the consequences of separation and alienation for which our political leaders have little understanding or empathy. 65
p 83 In many ways, organized religion is evidence of our intellectual, spiritual and emotional laziness. ! ... the Bible becomes a book of rules, a means of forsaking the quest by being a substitute for the quest.
I'm Okay, Your Okay, Harris - 1967 */
Got the Transactional Analysis concept from Berne in 57.
He says Berne provided a "precision vocabulary," just as I am trying to do with my feeling words.
He says over 1,000 psychiatrists have been trained in TA (I pause to consider the vision of the EQ Institute training professionals from around the world..) p 16
He says one reason it works well is that it can be done in groups (so can EQT- EQ therapy- a new name I just created)
Says it gives patients a tool they can use. (so can EQT)
paraphrasing:... the problems of the world are the problems of individuals, so if we can change individuals, we can change the world. p 18
p 25-27 talks about Wilder Penfield who found out that you could stimulate brain with electricity and evoke memories, both thoughts and feelings.
Perhap the most significant discovery was that not only past events are recorded in detail, but also the feelings that were associated with those events. An event and the feeling which was produced by the event are inextricably locked together in the brain so that one cannot be evoked without the other. p 27 (his italics)
p 30 ..... the brain functions as a high fidelity recorder, putting on tape, as it were, every experience from the time of birth, possibly even before birth (As L. Ron Hubbard, Scientologist mastermind, asserted with his "engrams.")
p 39 +
Child: dominated by feelings
Parent: self-righteous; collection of all recordings of ~ first five years (ie before he starts school); unfiltered; taken as truths;
"Everything he saw his parents do and everything he heard them say is recorded in the Parent." p 40
Adult: reasoning, logical
[These are helpful labels to a point, but I prefer to use the different parts of the brain, such as the amygdala. This same lineof thought applies to Freud and his ego/superego/id labels. At this point in fact, the word ego is so overused that it means very little from a scientific standpoint. In other words I believe all of these terms used by both authors are artificial labels which misguide us. Even right brain left brain is over-simplified. I feel much more comfortable with the distinctions between the amygdala and the neo-cortex.]
p 42 talks about how a child can't edit or modify or judge what parents are putting forth as "truth." Because the child is pre-logical. As we know now, (I don't know if he knew it then) the emotional brain develops first. So he is right, kid can't say "This doesn't make sense. I am not buying into this."
He talks about the terror imprinted on a child when his parents, who he depends on for his survival, are fighting one another. I never thought about it quite this way. He is right, if I see my means of surival being attacked, I am scared. If they are attacking each other, I am doubly scared. And in my own home I saw this on an almost daily basis.
p 43 he says these tapes can't be erased. I am afraid he is right, though the cults try to brainwash and reprogram, by writing over and over. So, as s.o. else said, it is not so much erasing, as overwriting. Changing associations, re-wiring ciruits.Redirecting chemicals. For example, when I used to see flag, I might feel proud, now I might feel ashamed. And when I used to see police car I used to feel safe, now I feel resentful.
p 44 Gives good example of stereo music and inconsistency. When sounds are not harmonious, they confuse and upset us, so eventually we learn to tune the sounds out. This weakens the parent's ability to influence child. So if parent is hypocritical, they are undermining their power base. (and may need to augment it with more fear)
Gives example of woman whose mother said "You NEVER put a hat on the table." So she told her own kids the same thing and got angry when they broke this rule. When mother was about 80, lady finally asked her why. Mother explained it was because some of the neighbor kids had lice.
so we might say that what he calls Parent are the basically the beliefs which the child stores.
The "Child" is made up of feelings, according to Harris/Berne. Child internalizes every negative look as there being something wrong with him. (Like Sam Keen said "When mommy smiles, I am good. When she frowns I am bad".) Thus we come up to "I'm okay, I'm not okay."
p 48 ** "The predominant by-product of the frustrating, civilization process is negative feelings" **
p 49 Harris says his own daughter asked innocently enough "If I have an ok dad and an ok mom, how come I am not ok? Then he says:
When the children of "good" parents carry the "not ok" burden, one can begin to appreciate the load carried by children whose parents are guilty of gross neglect, abuse and cruelty.
He says when we are older we can get "hooked" into these different states P A or C
p 50 he says nearly all the emotions have been experienced by the child and all the beliefs have been imprinted by age 5 (I think this is a slight, though only a slight, exaggeration) But I agree that we can't expect the schools to make up for what was incorrectly done in the family. And now with home schooling, some kids are going to be even more permanently damaged.
The "Adult" tries to figure things out for himself, using logic, not just believing what is fed to him by his parents. But the adult is very fragile. It is easily "knocked out" by a few harsh words from the parent. yep.
He says that is why we, as adults, want to go for walk alone to "clear our mind." ie we want some time to figure things our for ourselves (some of us have bigger needs for this than others, moi par example)
He quotes Berne who says Parent is "judgmental in an imitative way and seeks to enforce sets of borrowed standards..."
good except I would say that "borrowed" is not the right word--not any more than cattle are just "borrowing" the marks branded upon them with hot iron.
How To Stop Worrying and Start Living - Dale Carnegie, 1944 */
(This edition is in its 46th printing)
He talks about making his decision about his career, when he came to "the Rubicon"
He decided he wanted to "live to write and write to live." So he would teach at night and write and read during the day.
Of his book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" he says, "I never dreamed it would have such a large sale. I am probably one of the most astonished authors now living."
He said he had to make his courses practical and inspiring so his students would continue to come, because they were paying for one night at a time and he was getting paid on a percentage of the profits.
The YMCA had originally refused to pay him a $5 per night salary, but within three seasons they were paying him $30 per night commission.
His courses on public speaking were being taught in 1077 cities in North America and in 45 other countries.
Part One- Fundamental Facts You Should Know About Worry
Chapter One - Live in Day-tight Compartments
(Like water-tight compartments which help a boat survive little bumps)
The first few pages are about living in the present and not worrying about the past or future. He gives the example of the hourglass in which only one grain of sand can pass at a time. He says "when we start in the morning there are hundreds of tasks which we feel we must accomplish that day, but if we do not take them one at a time and let them pass through the day slowly and evenly, as do the grains of passing through the narrow neck of the hourglass, then we are bound to break our own physical or mental structure" - just as we could not force more sand through the glass without breaking it.
p 8 Everyday is a new life to a wise man
One of the most tragic things about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our window today.
Then he quotes Stephen Leacock (from Orillia, where I am today!):
How strange it is, our little procession of life! The child says, "when I am a big boy." But when is that? The big boy says "when I am grown up," and then when grown up says "when I get married. But to be married, what is that after all? The thought changes to "when I am able to retire." Then when retirement comes he looks back over landscape traversed and a cold wind seems to sweep over it. Some how he has missed it all and it is gone. Life, we learn to late, is in the living, in the tissue of everyday and hour.
Part Two- A Magic Formula for Solving Worry Situations
The guy who started the Carrier Company (heaters and air conditioners) Willis Carrier, gave Carnegie these three steps:
1. I analyzed the situation fearlessly and honestly and figured out what was the worst that could possibly happen.
2.. After figuring this out, I reconciled myself to accepting it if necessary.
3. From that time on, I calmly devoted my time and energy to trying to improve upon the worst which I had already accepted mentally. (p 14)
He tells Dale: When we worry it destroys our ability to concentrate. Our minds jump here and there and everywhere and we lose all power of decision. However, when we face the worst and accept it mentally, we then eliminate all these vague imaginings and put ourselves in a position in which we are able to concentrate on our problem.
William James said: Acceptance of what has happened is the first step in overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.
p 15 He quotes Lin Yutang, who said in his book "The Importance of Living," said, "True peace of mind comes from accepting the worst. Psychologically, I think, it means a release of energy."
** I can relate to this bc when I was afraid I wasn't going to get into Canada I just accepted it - first that it would take a couple days, then that I might not get in and that I might never get out of the US. - then I began thinking of solutions, and thought of talking to the other manager at Niagara.
Carrier also said: After facing the worst, I immediately relaxed and felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in days. From that time on, I was able to think!
1. Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen
2. Prepare to accept it
3. Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst.
p. 21 Chapter 3- What Worry May Do To You
A neighbor once rang his door in New York city, warning him to get vaccinated against smallpox because 2 people had died from it. Two people out of 8 million. Then he says "Now I have lived in New York for over 37 years and not once has anyone come to my door to warn me about the emotional sickness of worry and illness that during the last 37 years has caused 10,000 times more damage than smallpox. No one has ever warned me that one person out of 10 in the US will have a nervous breakdown.
Then he talks about ulcers being caused by emotional stress.
At the time of his writing, 1/3 of business executives surveyed suffered from one of three ailments attributed to stressful living 1) heart disease, 2) ulcers 3) high blood pressure. Their average age was 44.
p. 23 he says these executives were trading their lives for what is called "business success."
He said he considered his father, a poor Missouri farmer who lived to be 89 more successful than the cigarette executive who built up a big company then died from heart failure at age 61.
He quotes Plato who says: The greatest mistake physicians make is that they attempt to cure the body without attempting to cure the mind; yet the mind and the body are one and should not be treated separately.
Carnegie says medical science has been able to wipe out most diseases caused by physical germs but has been unable to cope with the mental and physical wrecks caused by the emotions of worry, fear, hate, frustration and despair.
He says "casualties caused by these emotional diseases are mounting and spreading with catastrophic rapidity.
He cites Karl Menniger's book, Man Against Himself, which he says will give you a startling revelation of how we destroy our bodies and minds by anxiety, frustration, hatred, resentment, rebellion and fear.
p 26 He quotes a guy from Cornell who says the four most common causes of arthritis are:
1. Marital problems 2. Financial problems 3. Loneliness and worry 4. Long-cherished resentments
He says during the second world war about 300,000 men were killed in combat, while about one million were killed by the kind of heart disease which is caused by worry and stressful living. Then he says "more Americans commit suicide each year than die from the five most common communicable diseases."
When he was growing up in Missouri he was "half scared to death by listening to Billy Sunday describe the hellfires of the next world, but he never mentioned the hellfires of physical agony that worriers may have to face here and now."
He quotes another doctor who says "Those who keep the peace of their inner selves in the midst of the turmoil of the modern city are immune from nervous diseases. (Very similar to Goleman's chapter on mind and medicine, but 50 years earlier!) p 30
Gives example of woman who had fatal cancer but decided she would not worry about it, that she would beat it and she did.
Then he quotes Thoreau:
I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor... If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours
Then he summarizes all of part one on page 32, which he calls "in a nutshell." Then starts with chapter four - How to analyze and solve worry problems
p 33 Three basic steps to solving worry problems
1. Get the facts
2. Analyze the facts
3. Make a decision and act on it
He quotes a former dean of Columbia U. who said "confusion is the chief cause of worry. Half the worry is caused by people trying to make decisions before they have sufficient knowledge on which to base a decision.
If a man will devote his time to securing facts, in an objective, impartial way, his worries will usually evaporate in the light of knowledge.
T. Edison said: There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the labor of thinking.
Carnegie says: We want only the facts that justify our acts-- the facts that fit in conveniently with our wishful thinking and justify our preconceived prejudices. If we bother with facts at all, we search for those that support what we already think and ignore all the others.
DC uses this technique:
1. When trying to get the facts I pretend that I am collecting the information for someone else. This helps me take a cold, impartial view of the evidence. It helps me eliminate my emotions. [I would say "helps me eliminate any distortions caused by emotions."]
2. While to collect the facts I sometimes pretend that I am preparing to argue the other side of the issue. Then I write down both sides of the cases and generally find the truth somewhere in the middle.
Another guy uses this two step technique:
1. What am I worried about?
2. What can I do about it?
Then he writes down the answers to both.
Experience has proved to me, time after time, the enormous value of arriving at a decision. It is the failure to arrive at a fixed purpose, the inability to stop going round and round in maddening circles, that drives men to nervous breakdowns and living hells. I find that 50% of my worries vanish once I arrive at a clear, definite decision; and that another 40% usually vanish once I start to carry out that decision.
1. What am I worried about? 2. What can I do about it? 3. Here is what I am going to do. 4. When am I going to start?
Chapter 5 - How to Eliminate 50% of your business
1. What is the problem 2. What is the cause of the problem 3. What are the possible solutions 4. What solution do I choose.
In a nutshell
1. Get the facts
2. Come to a decision
3. Act without anxiety about the outcome
4. Ask: 1. What am I worried about? 2. What can I do about it? 3. Here is what I am going to do. 4. When am I going to start?
Carnegie says he often has to go back and read his own books because he forgets what he wrote.
He quotes George Bernard Shaw: If you teach a man anything, he will never learn.
DC says: Learning is an active process. We learn by doing.
Chapter 6 - How to Crowd Worry Out of Your Mind
Gives example of a man who was sick with worry, then his little boy coaxed him into building a boat. The man realized "it is difficult to worry while you are doing something that requires planning and thinking. p.53
Pasteur said 'peace of mind is found in libraries and laboratories."
He says it is "utterly impossible to think about more than one thing at a time." [But is the subconscious worried at the same time you are thinking about something else? And if you just distract yourself, will the worries eat away at you, or come back later? I think the old ways of distraction were overused.]
Chapter 7 - Don't Let the Beetles Get You Down
Title is from big tree that was hundreds of years old, but was felled by beetles.
Often we just need to change our focus and think of something more pleasant. p 65
Chapter 8 - A law that will outlaw many of your worries
The law of averages is the law he refers to. ie he says look at the probability of something actually happening.
When he was young he would worry that he would go to hell when he died, among lots of other irrational worries.
He later learned that "99% of things he worried about never happened.p 69
Chapter 9 - Cooperate with the inevitable
William James said "Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune."
How to survive the loss of a love, Colgrove, Bloomfield, McWilliams */
Review: Easy to read, uses bullets instead of sentences and paragraphs. has x of points. Few words on each page. Simplistic book. Contains poems which came from another book and are often randomly placed on the facing pages to his points. Poems often do not reinforce or even relate to the item on facing page. Many poems are themselves depressing. They have a painful tone to them, which is counter productive to an intelligent mind. But if the goal is to help people feel their pain, it is no doubt effective.
Intro. Let the body go through the healing process, just like with a physical injury. (But it is not just like it, we have much more control over our mental health) Begin to believe and trust that nature will do the healing, know that the pain will pass.
He says when the pain passes you will be stronger, happier, more sensitive, and aware.
"The fact that you are reading these pages means that you have already chosen to survive. CONGRATULATIONS and WELCOME"
Nice touch to intro! Note: his style is very absolute, very dictatorial, like commands.
To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
A time to be born, a time to die. A time to plant, a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to break down, a time to build up. A time to weep, a time to laugh. A time to mourn, a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together. A time to embrace, a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, a time to lose. A time to keep, a time to cast away. A time to rend, a time to sew. A time to keep silent, a time to speak. A time to love, a time of hate. A time of war, a time of peace.
He says loss is a part of nature, like a tree losses it seeds and its leaves and later its own life. Loss sets the stage for further creation. sph: person loses his partner, they are free to find themselves or another partner, one from whom they can learn new things.
He says there are different kinds of losses. Some are not so obvious. (moving, illness, changing teachers, schools, attainment of goal/loss of challenge,loss of ideal,value, belief, age related: childhood, childhood dreams, fantasies, health, hair, attractiveness, motivation(this is a little different), sph says one can loose everything except your motivation, sph: but with many things that are lost, motivation is not "lost". It is simply misplaced, overlooked, forgotten, undiscovered, hidden, obstructed by other things/thoughts.
Also "being in limbo"; not knowing if you have lost something. Not knowing is definitely more anguishing because it is uncertain and thus hard to plan & act accordingly. He says not knowing may be the 'worst torture of all'. So you must convince yourself it is okay not to know. And accept the fact you may never know or in some cases you will never know (like for me the truth about the Russian). So let go of the need to know, to have all the facts, to analyze to the nth degree.
He says when you are in limbo and your instincts tell you there is no hope (of what?), it is better to end the situation than to let it drag on and on. Or I would say, sometimes, rather than end it, why not change it, or change the way you look at it, or what you expect from it. For example, in a relationship keep it open, but also open yourself up to new opportunities-it is never a good idea to invest all your time in one person/relationship. You lose your friends, your interests, even your goals.
He also writes about how the most important lesson to learn from a loss is about yourself. Who you are, why you believe what you do, how your beliefs affect your attitudes/emotions/feelings--> happiness. Where your beliefs come from. What your assumptions are (sph expanded)
What loss feels like:
fearful, helpless, empty, angry, despair, pessimistic, irritable,stressed, guilty, restless, no motivation/energy, hopeless, losing concentration/focus/goals, worrying, changes in eating/sleep/sex.
Recovering from a loss: stages:
a) shock/denial/numbness b) anger depression c) understanding/acceptance/moving on
each stage is necessary.
The intensity of the loss determines the amount of time required to move through each of the stages, as well as the depth of the pain (but I think you can move faster if you control your thoughts)
1. You will survive.
Remind yourself there is a beginning, a middle and an end to the healing process.
Affirm to yourself:
I am alive. I am strong. I will survive. I want to be better. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy.
Remind yourself of your most important assets: your health, your mind, your body, your ability to learn
2. If you need help get it.
Just taking the step of seeking help is helpful. Helps redirect energies and take focus off problem and onto solution. And taking focus off of pain.
Start with a very small goal, like getting out of bed. Going to work. Going out. To a social event. etc. Think about what you did the day before and the day before that. Decide to do something different, something more productive, then do it.
Identify and list your weaknesses, starting with those you would most like to change about yourself. Determine which are in your control or influence. Then plan something or a series of steps to start to work on them.
3. Acknowledge the loss. Accept it.
Realize that things have changed and that you must now adapt to the changes. Example summer to winter. You adapt without fighting & bitching about it, because you accept it and don't expect it to be otherwise.
Man is the most flexible, adaptable, innovative, creative, of all living things. But man is also a creature of habit. So man must use his mind to retrain, reprogram himself.
4. Realize that you are not alone. Look for support group or others with same prob.
5. It is okay to feel. Feel numb, fear, angry.
I would say be aware of your feelings. Document them. Try to explain their roots. I think that the sooner you can identify the internal causes of your negative feelings, the quicker you can move on. (what he calls moving to the next step of recovery)
6. Be with the pain. If you are hurting, admit it.
Make a list of your worst fears. You are afraid of something after any loss. List it. Analyze it, take it apart piece by piece, determine whether it is realistic, whether it is likely, what you can do to control it or influence it. What action steps you can take to lessen its impact or likelihood.
7. You are great. You are good, worthwhile human being.
Your self esteem, self-concept, sense of balance, security may have suffered. You may feel some guild, worry, condemnation, deprecation. This is normal, but you can change these feelings. Don't punish yourself with "if I had only" or "I should have..", "it was stupid of me to.." or "why did I" or "why didn't I..".. "how could I be so stupid?"
The question should be what am I going to do about it. But first identify goals. Make sure you base the goals on what will give you the most peace. (sph)
?what am I going to replace the loss with? (which will give me equal or greater happiness. "Nature abhors a vacuum"
In this age of instant gratification, fast food and microwaves, it is hard to accept that anything takes time. sph: you may go out and drink, start a new relationship, "mood alter" to try to get over pain. This is not a lasting solution.
I remember the pain I felt for such a long time with Karen. I can remember once sitting in the UT Arlington basement dance place with Carolyn Skinner thinking only about how I would rather be there with Karen. I was making everyone else uncomfortable, no doubt, and certainly not even trying to stop feeling sorry for myself. How pathetic! Definitely not living for the moment.
8. He says take time off if you need to. He says the most valuable asset you have is yourself, and your most valuable possession is your peace of mind.
9. Healing process has progressions and regressions, not a smooth line. It is up and down. But just realize and take heart in being on your way.
10. Tomorrow will come. Like Scarlet said "Tomorrow is another day".
11. Breathe. He says sleep more, I say get more exercise. He says get help with things & decisions. I would also say get involved in something (but not obsessively). I would also say schedule a certain amount of time to think about it each day.
13 Have a schedule and stick to it. This is a good point, otherwise your mind will wander. Alternate rest and activity. Ah, balance.....
14. Keep dec. making to a minimum. Not for me! I like to change everything: jobs, cities, girlfriends, lifestyles, philosophies.
15. Realize it is okay to make silly mistakes. I would say be able to laugh at yourself. In fact find things to laugh at. He may say this later...
16. It is okay to go through the motions in slo mo. I would say but make sure you do go through the motions to at least keep moving and Fake it till you make it.
17. It is okay to need comforting. Accept support from friends family etc. Share your pain. Be open and brave enough to accept help.
Looking out for number one - Robert J Ringer */
p 11 Anything out of control is a danger to itself and its surroundings.
14 inner weight and balance system - ie listen to feelings - do what feels good. be selfish. we are all selfish.
20 eliminate from consideration all unsolicited moral opinions of others. Morality is a very personal and private matter.
21 forcing others is not in your ltbi (long term best interests)
22 self-sacrifice can lead to bitterness so great it can only be soothed by preaching to others the virtue of committing the same error.
22 If you want to fight laws, fight manmade, not nature's 39 Be aware of what you do and why you do it 45 pple opposed to self-interest want you to serve theirs! 49 Martyrs like Gandhi have big egos- insatiable, even 66 learn to spot toxic people; convert time you would have spent haggling with them into time attracting quality pple 96 on slogans: ppl will believe anything if you say it enough. p 97 strength in numbers-- interesting. Good if you are trying to fight something or force something. Bad if you are trying to defend yourself against others ie outnumbered.
As we evolve.. strength then money, so small person can leverage
slogans designed to keep you in line
99 person will mind own business if it is worth minding - if not they will mettle into the lives of others.
105 Example of pinspotter in bowling alley- ppl try to put you in your place! 106 . . .
261 Friend: s.o. who fills a need [w/out being paid in $]
Restoring the American Dream, Ringer */
Dedicated to men and women throughout the world who practice individualism and self-responsibility, who do not covet the fruits of the labor of others, who respect every persons right [need] to sovereignty over his own life, and whose actions are consistent with the cause of human freedom.
mentions Sy Leon, author of None of the Above; Reason Magazine Likes Ayn Rand, Robert LeFevre, Harry Browne, Rose Wilder Lane, Will Durant, Eric Hoffer, Murray Rothbard, Henry Hazlitt
Foreword by William Simon
Our country today sits at the very crossroads between freedom and totalitarian rule.
government officials have become "rulers instead of servants"
"The basic conflict between the rights of individuals and the rights and needs of society as a whole will never be completely resolved. Political system after political system has sought to reconcile these conflicting rights--and they are conflicting--in some meaningful way."
he calls the current system a "redistribution machine run amok." Says it is an "attempt to level all people." "coercive egalitarianism - the political curse of our era"
says constitutional equality is equality of opportunity
says our version of equality punishes the hard working and rewards those who are not.
"One of the most serious falsehoods that is being told the American people is that our present system represents the Constitutional vision of equality. They are being duped."
"It may be true that "you can't fool all the people all the time," but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country." Will Durant
p 17 he quotes "Leonardo"
"The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding."
p 19 ... life is worth living even if every other person in the world insists on choosing a course of self-destruction.
you become..."unwilling to sacrifice your life trying to save people who do not want to be saved."
You refuse to debate with [irrational people.]
You realize your mission in life is not to be a fly swatter.!
Simon and Ringer agree: People do not understand the situation. If they did, they would "demand massive reforms."
p 22 Quotes Montaigne: Men are most apt to believe what they least understand.
p 23 ...one runs the risk of criticism when he tries to simplify subjects jealously guarded by intellectuals
Will Durant: Woe is him who teaches men faster than they can learn.
Occam's Razor Principle: Make explanations as simple and direct as possible.
... history has rarely made truth and popularity bedfellows.. p 25
he says he believes most people will make good decisions if informed.- doesn't want to divide people up into groups. us vs. them. [probably a good line, even if he doesn't really believe it]
Pervasiveness of govt- regulations on bed you sleep on, covers, alarm clock, toothpaste, car, etc.
p 30 He says Natural Law is that each person owns his life, therefore has the right to do whatever he chooses as long at it doesn't forcibly interfere with anyone else.
He says liberty must be highest among the values.
He says we should never force anyone - regardless of goal. (But what if they are interfering with us?)
H: p: 32
p 33 Property "rights" are an extension of a person's life- since he feeds himself with them. But what if one person buys more than he needs and shuts others out-out of access to a stream or a lake, for example? He hasn't addressed this (at least not yet)
1 Survival - self-interest 2. Expediency - st orientation at expense of lt (social/emotional eq)
p. 39 SPH: people want approval, acceptance bc rejection = death
2. Power lust vs subserviency (voluntary servitude) (animals allow others to dominate them. Highly evolved ppl don't)
My definition of power is ability to get what you want. What becomes important is a) what you want and b) how you get it. Power it self is not the problem. Just like fire is not a problem.
p 40 he says rational individualist knew that his interests were best served if other men were free to trade. [ie voluntary exchange, not forced labor]
he goes back to when me freely traded - interesting to think about- then what happened??? how did we get govt & forced taxes?? some offered protection to others - all of this was based on FEAR
Now we are feeding people who are not making a positive contribution when it is not serving our interests. Other than to fill a misplaced need to feel benevolent, charitable, merciful, etc.
p 41 importance of land, property. Not easily replaced. Had value. Need to protect property lead to "civilization". But I think even in nomadic tribes there were leaders, rules. I think men banded together long before they owned land. Consider the gypsies.
around page 50 -
more on majority- see also outline in sq the majority are "poor", so that is why politicians cater to them. Pretty easy math. & of course they want to register them to vote. Not to think, but to vote. Why not just pay them directly? For their votes? Wouldn't it save a lot of money? Or maybe like the lottery pay every 10th one or every 100th one.
What would happen if we combined the lottery with elections??? Take the money from taxes to pay off the winners!
[skipped a bunch of pages]
p116 govt is "trying to fill the needs and desires of those who can not do so on their own" in a country which offers the most opportunity of any country in the world.
men don't have "right" to force some to be "concerned, empathetic,, helpful or charitable" towards others. I agree, but I would say there is no rational basis for doing so, no natural law which justifies it.
Put a gun to my head to give my money to someone else.
Privatizing, fire, post office, etc. - doesn't talk about police. Not sure if I would want them privatized, not sure if I wouldn't.
*** Like everything else: if you can't afford to educate your kids, don't have them. Don't expect someone else to do what you can't or won't do. ***
If schools are primarily for creating workers, should we let companies do it (as is now being done in some cases and in some countries?- But this will perpetuate existing system and problems; won't create kids who will challenge excessive capitalism or question values of the society)
what would happen to poor. He says it would be "no problem but doesn't give good explanation for his statement.
298 he likes Robert Nozick, author of Anarchy, State and Utopia
On the wings of self-esteem. Louise Hart */
1 Reverse metamorphis - start out as beautiful butterflies, then are turned into ugly caterpillars.
start out innocent, trusting, truthful, curious, fearless, open. we protect ourselves by building a cocoon.
Joseph Campbell Hero with a Thousand Faces: 3 phases- separation from the past, encounter with power, return to one's community to participate in a new way.
p 9 The common thread in all types of mental illness is the lack of self-esteem.
"Either you are born into a family that values and cherishes you and meets your basic needs, or you are born into a dysfunctional family."
Quotes she uses: Every journey has a secret destination of which the traveller is unaware. Martin Buber
You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. Trina Paulus "Hope for the Flowers"
The Power of Unconditional Love - Ken Keyes */
Conditional love: I will love you when you do what I want. I will freeze my love when you don't.
Our own happiness increases with our ability to love unconditionally--so it is again a selfish thing, or enlightened self-interest.
Some ideas can't be taught, they have to be caught.
First seven- beginning a relationship.
1. love everyone unconditionally including yourself
agape: heart to heart love- no strings attached; don't yank it back.
example of cassette player. The tapes are bad, not the player.
you are not your programs. you can change, you can reprogram. (but it is harder than with a tape
Trying to love unconditionally (acceptance) lets you be open to more options than your programming would otherwise allow.
Separate person from problem. Behavior from person.
If you are experiencing self-doubt, self blame, regrets, self rejection, self-hate
You need self: confidence, appreciation, acceptance, respect, love.
Love is empowering. Even self-love, but most ppl don't realize this part of love.
2. Develop a healthy relationship with your self first. Your partner can't make you feel good or happy. "count your self fortunate if y our partner can do that for themselves!"
More important to be the right person than find the right person.
Bradshaw says goal of live is to move from environmental support to self support.
Keyes says he used to think he "needed" a partner to be happy. Then he let go of that belief.
Addictive demands vs. preferences.
A relationship with someone else may at first give the illusion of working smoothly. But your and their programming is still in hiding so as not to scare them away.
Only through exposing your deepest programming (feelings, attitudes, beliefs, values, fears, motives) can you know if you will get along - ie they will accept you.
Relationship is mirror
Most rel. problems are from unfinished childhood business, like iceberg undersea.
Memory of incidents is gone from recall, but it is still there.
We may be motivated by fear, guilt, shame, self-hatred, chronic anxiety.
You are not responsible for programming you picked up in childhood. But as a result, you are resp. for fixing it.
Give yourself the gift of acceptance, understanding, acceptance. Dress yourself in these & let others discover you. Those who recognize the value in these clothes will desire you over those who see value only in status symbols. (sph)
3. Learn how your demands & preferences create your world. Some pursue happiness, others create it.
Addictive demand: something we think we must have to be happy
Emotional addiction v physical addiction
AD's are usually petty, etc. But to you they seem justifiable, sensible, logical, and absolutely right.
Our demands make us unhappy. Each time one is not met, we feel a negative reaction (like a withdrawal). These are called by Keyes: separating emotions
Though is our demand causing the problem, ego says another is to blame. We become self-righteous.
Preferences don't cause separating emotions/unhappiness. They may even create positive feelings knowing that we have conquered a demand, and that we have realized what it is that we would like. Which helps us get to know ourselves better, especially if we know why. (sph added)
+ we realize we are in control/ not dependant.
No one else can make you feel something -- he calls this a fundamental principle of the science of happiness.
Each of us has the ability to create our own happiness. Accepting things is a gift of inner peace. heaven earth altitude attitude.
4. Falling in love is not a basis for commitment.
Most of us didn't get enough love so we hunger for it. When we think we might have found a source of it we want to grab onto it, tie it up so it won't ever go away. Marry it! When we develop the skill to give and receive love from multiple people, including ourselves, we create lives that aren't so desperately deficient of love.
They say we should love lots of ppl but only have commitment to one.
High levels of
1. Communication 2. Caring 3. Commitment
Do you like just being with them Do you like them for who they are? Are they the kind of person you would want to be? (Branden) Are you wiling to live with their programming Can your partner accept your attitudes.
Point is not just to get into rel. but to stay in.
5th guideline. Can you each contribute to the other's well being?
Pretending to be something you are not doesn't move you closer to intimacy.
you may find yourself trying to bribe, blame, coerce your partner into giving you what you want
Satir's 5 freedoms
1. to live in here & now 2. to think what you think 3. to feel what you feel 4. want what you want 5. to self-actualize.
need to know your limits (set boundaries) be honest in expressing them, without fear.
Ask your partner what they like and want. + how you can help them support them.
Show them over and over that you will be there for them.
These are all opportunities to get closer.
Use ideals, desires like a lighthouse guiding ship, don't wreck trying to get to them.
The greatest killer of ideals is the person who can't adapt them to the practical realities of life.
Thurman Arnold (us assistant attorney general.
Resist the temptation to think that a good partner is someone who doesn't disagree with you.
Remember different backgrounds; gender differences. Use differences to balance each other. Stop trying to prove who is right and wrong/trying to convince.
7. Don't expect relationship to make you happy. You don't find happiness in rel. you bring it in. By accepting what you can't change, your energy is freed to focus on what you can.
He gives example of girl who accepts his criticism about typing.
Clinging to addictive demands has payoffs, like righteousness. But they are short term.
Next set of guidelines: (once p is chosen) (enhancing rel)
Develop deep honesty.
Bradshaw: we are as sick as our secrets
You must trust that even at your worst, you are lovable.
Deeper honesty= release from jail of separateness. We can not afford to not be honest just not to hurt someone. Have confidence in them.
Remember that your inappropriate feelings come from your tapes which you can change,so have confidence in your ability to change, don't think you are stuck as you are.
2. Ask for what you want
But don't make it an AD. Don't demand it. Don't worry about how they will respond, don't not ask bc you don't think you deserve it. Or that you shouldn't want it.
Ask: am I trying to make my p feel bad if they don't give it to me.
3. Work on your own personal growth, not your partners. Remember it is easier to work on someone else, but more important to work on self. ie own addictive demands. That is like trying to work on relationship with one hand tied behind back. Better: one helping her. other helping self.
If you want a helping hand you will find one at the end of your arm!
*** Communicate. Acknowledge your demands. Don't play teacher by pointing our your partner's mistakes, shortcomings. Use I language.
Ask specifically what you can do to help relationship.
Look at it all as a G.O. (sph code for growth opportunity)
4. Both of you have positive intentions. disagree! Better: remember you both have similar needs. Try to find the insight into their motivation. Security, loved, accepted. etc.
5. Give all the gifts (emotionally) that you can. Be flexible. Do things your partner would like, not to get something, but to make them happier. Don't give something you don't want to- you will resent it later.
Help your partner exper. self as lovable, beautiful, competent. Ie help them build their self-esteem
We seem to get back more than we give.
6. Discover how the rel. is perfect for your growth even disagreements can help you grow. And good times reinforce you r confidence.
Like Buddhists say: when ever we are unhappy, realize life is giving you a lesson.
7. Help others.
1. Stay in till you have changed demands to preferences. Take responsibility. Don't pass up the GO that a difficult rel provides. 2.Try to stay friends. Be gentle with self, other. 3. Take resp. don't blame, don't label. Keep looking at y our programming. Blame is a waste of time. Use energy to see what you can learn. Don't need to conduct trial of self or other. Remember you always create your experience/life. Try to make each feel like winner. not me vs you. Don't let pride get in way.
4. Try to treat future ex as friend. 5. Try to keep your commitments
Throw them out of your home, but not your heart 7. It is only a melodrama, so don't get caught up in it. Don't feed your friends negative stuff about it. For one t makes you look bad. Express feelings, not judgments.
Criticisms: Doesn't talk enough about expressing feelings; Too much into unconditional love for "everyone"-- tries to get us to accept damn near anything, like an alcoholic husband! Or someone who is not sensitive to our feelings even after we have expressed them.
A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships - Ken Keyes
He defines addiction as something we believe we must have to be happy. Also, it is an emotion-backed demand, model or expectation. Example, if I get upset when I am waiting for you, I am in touch with my addiction to not waiting. (or my unmet need for patience, acceptance-- or to my inability to occupy myself in a worthwhile way)
He says an addiction automatically creates our unhappiness when the world is not fitting our emotion-based models of how things should be. "Conscious growth involves upleveling addictions to preferences-- so that life situations do not trigger upsetting, separating responses."
"Addictions cerate feelings of separation and unhappiness; preferences never do."
"You make yourself unhappy -- but you create feelings inside you that the world is making you unhappy."
"A preference is a desire that does not make you upset if it is not satisfied." p xv
"The number and strength of your addictions is far more important in creating your happiness or unhappiness than who you are with." p 19
Part1 1 - Seven guidelines for going into a relationship (my adaptations in some places - especially where there is an SPH)
Chapter 1 - Develop a relationship with yourself before getting deeping involved with anyone else
If you addictively need a relationship, you are in trouble.
If you lean two dominoes together and one moves, they both fall. [Or if one leans too heavily the other falls. (sph)]
paraphrased: if you feel inadequate, your partner may start to see you as inadequate.
Chapter 3 Falling in love is not a basis for involvement
He seems to be saying that if we are more generous in our loving feelings to more people, we won't be operating in such a love defficiency. Then we won't "fall" as far. (in my mind I am seeing a mostly dry well with a little water at the bottom. If we did not have this deep well of unmet needs within us we would not jump or fall as far or as deeply when we get a taste of a little water. We also would not be as likely to drain the well. Instead, if we are full of positive feelings, we will be more able to keep the other person's well full and overflowing.)
Chapter 5 Don't expect the relationship to make you happy
"The number and strength of your addictions is far more important in creating your happiness or unhappiness than who you are with." p 19
"The things that come up in a relationship tell you something about yourself." p 20 The he basically says Use what you learn to grow. "Everything, everyone becomes your teacher."
The unmet need is the cause of my unhappiness.
C. 6 - Use the relationship for your own growth; working only on yourself.
Chapter 7 I love you really means when I am with you I am more in touch with the best parts of me (he says beautiful, capable, lovable parts)
Part 2 - 7 Guidelines for creating a delightful relationship
1. involvement yes, addiction no
2. work to communicate deeper levels of honesty
3. ask for what you want, but don't get addicted to getting it
4. develop your awareness of you and your partner's good points
5. do your inner work; change addictions (demands) to preferences
6. be open to the form the relationship offers
7. discover the "us"
7 Guidelines for altering your involvement
1. alter your involvement if you don't want to cooperate together
2. consider staying in the relationship till you have mastered something new (sph)
(for example, outgrowing your need for sex, approval, attention, etc. - sph
3.Take responsibility for altering the relationship - don't blame the other person or yourself
4. Be totally open. Don't lie or hide things.
5. tie up loose ends (sph)
6. work to stay empathetic, compassionate, understanding (sph)
7. Don't get caught up in dramas
Love by Leo Buscaglia */ 1972 - (By 1984 it was in its 39th printing)
moved to here