Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com
Cara's Private Lessons
Here is something I wrote in June of 2007
Here is something I wrote in Jan of 2007 that I never posted before
Cara's Private Class on Listening
I feel a little resentful towards Cara. Or more specifically I feel judged and lectured to and not understood. So all of this energizes me to write about her improving listening skills. lol
I realise that x is rather a lot more emotionally mature than me but a mother and father's opinion means more than you seem to understand.
I feel lectured to when Cara says this. Not listened to or understood.
Some mail between cara and i from June 2007
My notes on the mail.
I'm gonna use this part to try to teach something to Cara and everyone who reads this...
?? held hostage!
> ouch. i feel so hurt.
> i tried to explain to you how i felt. unimportant.i tried to help, stayed up
> all night to talk on occasion.
That's how Cara started her letter.
Now I am thinking of an English class I visted recently. I asked the kids if they liked English. One said no. The teacher quickly said "No?!" She said it in a surprised, disapproving tone. (This also reminds me of the "Not good?! I'm sure it's heaps of fun" story.)
So let's think about that. Why would she be surprised? One reason is because she has never asked the kids before. She has never thought to ask them. And I will bet that most students in most classes around the world have never been asked if they like the subject they are being taught. Most students probably have never been asked this question "If your parents didn't make you come here, or no one made you come, would you still come?"
This is getting way off the track of Cara.. but I wanted, needed to write it cuz I've been thinking about this whole education system thing.
Anyhow, back to Cara...
I don't feel as safe and free talking to Cara as I do with some people. Talking to Cara takes energy sometimes. I don't quickly feel understood at times.
Like in this case.
I say I feel held hostage and she responds with surprise and defensiveness. If someone were to ask how understood I felt by Cara's response I would say something like... "um, 1 maybe."
Both Cara and I need to feel important, understood, cared about, for example, the mail shows that we can't meet each others needs, but it is neither of our faults, it is because these needs weren't met as we were growing up.
Anyhow, I am scared of Cara getting defensive, feeling hurt, and hurtful by even writing this. But I am going to write it. And take the risk that she will hate more or resent it, or send another letter attacking me, although she has gotten better about that.
See when I first met Cara we didn't really click. I told someone something like "it is too late to help Cara", she has already become to intellectual.
I resent intellectual people. I have a chip on my shoulder. I have had too many bad experiences with them. I don't need more lectures from intellectual people. My mother was a sociologist, or so she liked to call herself. I met another guy who called himself a sociologist lately. He was verbally abusing his son, who was about 10. I wrote about it somewhere on my laptop but I have so much stuff on there I don't know where it is. And I am to depressed to look and I have too many other things I want to do and need to do. And I feel too depressed from the fact no one is still helping me. I hired x and she turned out to be a problem. She helped me in some ways but she wasn't the person I needed. For one thing I couldn't talk to her in English. Now she is blaming me and attacking me and even threatening me. She feels underpaid. It is a long story. She feels resentful about a lot of things from years ago but can't separate that from what she feels today.
I started out this morning to buy a heater for my hotel room. Then I got distracted by a clothing store where I went to look for some pants. When I came out, the appliance store was closed. Then I come online and get this email from Cara. That was an hour ago.
I feel more depressed now than I did before I got Cara's mail. I don't want Cara to feel blamed but she probably will. We need different things now. She needs someone to help her feel important. I need someone to help me feel encouraged, inspired. It isn't working between Cara and I right now. Not because we don't care about each other, but because we have different emotional needs.
I believe in Cara but she needs too much from me right now. And I care too much to just blow her off with some short email. She needs to feel important. But I can't do it. I can't make up for her father.
I once wrote something like "I am sick of teens needing me. I didn't have sex with anyone to create them." I wrote it about Crystal. By the way, these are all secrets, please don't tell anyone, ha ha. Anyhow, it hurt Crystal when she read it. But now I feel more ... drained than resentful.
It can be really depressing talking to and trying to help depressed teen prisoners.
I'm kind of confused about Cara. She has her bf Marvin who needs her, and writes her these adolescent letters saying how much he loves her, lol, I am laughing at myself for being so adoloscent, lol, not at Marvin, who I hope drowns, ha ha...
See I might be in New Zealand right now if it weren't for Marvin. Cara and I had talked about working together. So okay Miss I Need to Feel More Important, lol, --- see what I mean, Cara, I am not taking you too seriously, I am mocking you, teasing u but feeling kind of resentful still. Not loving. I say I love you but its not likely you feel loved. So I am a hypocrite maybe. I am really needy. That is one thing I am sure of. If Cara doesn't write things I want and need to hear, I look for them somewhere else. I suppose that is natural.
I can't give Cara what she needs. She can't give me what I need. We can help each other. And we can learn from each other. But Cara can't make up for what my mother didn't give me and I can't make up for what her father didn't give her.
For whoever is reading this, when a teenager doesn't get what they needed from their mother or father, it leaves a void. This sounds so simplistic, but it has to be said over and over till the people in power get it. So they change systems based on filling emotional needs.
Like today I was writing about caring.
Caring is not a factor in the design of school systems.
To teach without fear and punishment, you have to earn the respect of the students. To do that you have to care about them.
But that is almost impossible to do in the traditional educational system where the teacher is at the front of the class, focussed on "task", doing almost all the talking.
This does not fill the emotional needs of the 40 or so people sitting in the chairs.
It simply does not.
And if we look around the world, we can see the results.
So back to Cara. Who's job is it to help Cara feel important? Or any teenager?
First their own parents, second, their teachers and friends.
The fact that Cara, 16, is writing to a guy who is almost 50 and telling him she doesn't feel important, is a sign something hasn't worked in Cara's life. These teens should not be writing me. They write me because their parents don't and didn't listen, didn't help them feel important, worthy, special and everything else.
I can't make all the teens who write to me feel important, special etc. It is impossible for practical reasons like time for one. Also, I can't give them hugs, I can't spend face to face time. I can't be there for them each day when they need someone to talk to them, to encourage them, to tell them everything will be alright, but not in an invalidating way.
I feel frustated now becaue it is now 1:30 and I feel stuck here. This is not what I wanted to do with my day. I wanted to buy a heater. I was all motivated when I left the hotel.
The shops are closed from 12 to 2 here.
There are so many things I want to do. So so many. And I wonder what has happened to Loo, and if she is going to come down here. Or if it even would be a good idea. Would she be too needy and depress me and would we end up resenting each other?
Now I resent having to go back and read what I wrote to Cara to see if it is going to offend or hurt anyone...
But let me get back to this...
?? held hostage!
> ouch. i feel so hurt.
> i tried to explain to you how i felt. unimportant.i tried to help, stayed up
> all night to talk on occasion.
What I want and need is to feel understood. I want someone to write back, "yeah, I see what you mean about feeling held hostage. I'm sorry. Please go ahead and write whatever you want. I'm sorry I'm so needy. Thanks for telling me the truth."
Then I would feel a) understood b) apologized to c) appreciated d) not so responsible for her feelings e) less afraid of her thus more safe, more free, less fear of her rejection, disapproval or even just feeling hurt.
Those are all healthy feelings.
It is important to say the part about thanks, by the way, cuz I noticed with teens that when they just keep saying "I'm sorry", it is draining, but when they say "thanks" for something, it is energizing.
here is a sample of when it flows well
A. sorry
B. its ok
A. ok, thanks
B. no problem
End of today's lesson for Cara, a world leading thinker.
lol
Is that sucking up enough, hun? lol
--
ok some final notes on responding to someone. when people sound so surprised to hear someone else's feelings, it discourages that person from being honest the next time. this is how emotionally intelligent, abused children and teens learn to lie about their feelings. Some later kill themselves because they have been doing that for too long and it builds and builds and finally they can't take it anymore.
Or when they get in a relationship and feel somewhat safe to show their true feelings, all the resentment comes out, or maybe it comes out at the worst times, or socially "inappropriate times" like when they feel slighted at work or in a business transaction.
june 12 to cara
yeah ur right
im sorry.
im so sensitive now to criticism or disapproval or resentment or
people trying to pressure me or control me that i am reacting a
lot more to things that otherwise wouldnt be a big deal.
i dont know either cara. im trying so many things here. my life
is divided between the net and real life.
i dont want to hurt u. or anyone. i hate how we are all hurting
inside and hurting others.
thank u for writing the email u did. god i just dont know cara.
im a mess. i need someone in my life. i need a lot of people. i
have such good ideas. its like i have at least one a day now. but
no one to put them into practice. i cant find pple to work for
me. but at least i have met some directors of small english
institutes here who have let me come into their classes and talk
to the teenagers.
i wish u could see me when i talk to them. i wish u could spend a
month traveling with me.
i really am scared of u. scared of u rebelling, getting
resentful, refusing to write for my site cuz u feel personally
hurt. what if u write about ur own emotional needs and talk about
how much it hurts to not feel important. u can use my name if u
want but i reserve the right to edit it ok?
id like to be an editor of a newspaper or something. i know what
i want. what changes i want to see in the world. id like to
direct a newspaper or my site or something in that direction.
im still scared u have been trying too hard to get my approval. i
dont think anyone can get my approval cara. no one has ever been
everything i need. eventually they all leave me cuz they feel
inadequate. im so needy.
sometimes ur like an adult, some times ur like a teen. i kind of
resent u being so needy. there are two things about me writing on
my site about u. one is i feel rebellious and defiant. i dont
like anyone pressuring me to write something on my site. i feel
pretty possessive about it. the other is when i write its
spontaneous. i cant just sit down and write about u unless it is
inspired by my heart so to speak.
i could go back and read ur old emails. i might do that. u
deserve it. i would be doing it not cuz i feel pressured or held
hostage or afraid of u, though there would be a small factor of
that to be honest, but mostly because u deserve it. and because i
feel bad for not posting more things u sent me.
i love u cara. thank u for explaining things without attacking
me. u are learning. i am still guilty of underestimating ur
probably smarter in some ways. im starting to not like this idea
of emotional intelligence. i dont want to say that loo or nicole
is more emotionally intelligent and ur more intellectually
intelligent. its just that they fill a different need.
im so scared of hurting u. i dont know how u feel about nicole
now. if u still feel resentful, envious or jealous, and im not
sure u would tell me the truth cuz u know i dont want u to and u
know u "shouldnt".
but maybe u do really. but i dont know.
i still feel resentful of marvin. if i saw him drowning im not
sure i would help him. that is pretty sad huh?
but its true.
if i saw paola drowning i would help her. but not marvin.
and id risk my life for u.
id run into a burning house for u. i wouldnt even stop to think
about it.
i have this sense that u have gone on strike or something cuz i
asked u to write stuff for my site and now ur just writing and
saying im not writing about u. and im afraid to write that cuz
then u might think im making u look bad or somthing.
as i told u before, the way i am showing u that u are important
is that i am writing u emails, not by posting things about u.
that seems fake or contrived, unless i do it for the right
reasons.
but i think im too resentful to go back and read ur emails. maybe
i will post this letter.
if i wrote something for the site i would be mocking u,
invalidating u, making u look like a needy, moody teenager.
id say something like
cara is on strike because she doesnt feel important. she felt
hurt by something i wrote about her and hurt that i taught
another girl how to use front page....
see what i mean...?
so i dont know....
i really dont know.
im worn out from conflicts and problems. i just want to go into
english institutes and talk to the teens about my ideas. about my
teens for peace idea, about how to prevent divorce, crimes, wars
they listen to me.
please write something for my site. please stop asking me to
write something. i will post what u write. unless there is some
strong reason not to. also i want to see what u are thinking.
i feel resentful that now u have a laptop and ive heard from u
about the same amount as i did before u got it.
i feel punished.
retaliated against. maybe im offbase.
but i still feel resentful. so now i have to decide what i am
gonna do with my next hour or so. am i gonna go back to ur old
emails or am i gonna write something about u, or am i gonna go
read nicoles journal and write to her or about her, or am i gonna
write to laura or ocean or loo or gina? or write something else
for the site about ei stuff... or write something about my ideas
for teaching english...
see what i mean...
or am i gonna go shave or go look for a heater or look for a new
pair of pants since i only brought one with me and they are dirty
and have a big hole in the crotch n i cant wash them or take them
to the tailor person cuz i dont have another pair to ware and its
too cold to wear shorts...
i feel depressed now thinking of all the things i want to do and
cant do all at once.
i have so many ideas. i need pple who are helping me, inspiring
me, encouraging me, not bringing me down.
i dont like the life ive had for the past few years. i want to
change it.
i am changing it. talking to depressed teens was killing me. ive
learned enough. i know what is happening and i know what is
needed. so i want to do something productive with that knowledge.
but i have to take care of my own mental health. its very
precarious.
small things like losing a pen or even losing the cap depress me.
i depend on live human contact. face to face contact. it is the
air i need to breath now.
so please just write something for my site that i can post. make
it easy for me please. or create ur own site and give me the
link.
but please write. u have so much to say that is worth hearing. i
want to help u become influential in the world. k?
hug
xx00
s
---
now it is 2 thirty and i feel better. cara is worth an hour of my time. i dont feel resentful now. i want to help cara feel important and also allay my guilty conscience a little if that is the right word! so i am going to look for some of her old emails...
oh i just got an email from a teen here and i am using it to show common mistakes spanish speakers make. i want to put it on the english page www.english.eqi.org but ill save it here for now so i dont lose it.
this from a letter from mery in salto
>I will be waiting notice about you
I will be waiting to hear from you.
> some minutes before we left highschool and now
we left highschool a few miinutes ago and now....
---
On 6/12/07, Cara Lomax-Sawyers > wrote:
>
> ?? held hostage!
> ouch. i feel so hurt.
> i tried to explain to you how i felt. unimportant.i tried to
help, stayed up
> all night to talk on occasion. i felt so betrayed when after
you tell me
> i'll be important, you don't email me or do what you said
you would. i don't
> know. i don't mean to hold it hostage, just REALLY wanted
some sort of
> acknowledgement. because i wrote so much for you that never
went up andi
> felt like heath was better, more important. i have calmed
down and do't feel
> as hurtful. i would like to talk, do a BIT of work . not too
much. i neeed a
> balanced life. moderation. more sleep. but i'm sorry fr
being attacking and
> blackmailing or manipulating you.
> hug
>
>
> >From: "steve hein" >
> >To: "Cara Lomax-Sawyers"
>Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2007 15:48:23 -0300
> >
> >i want to post something now but im scared u are going
to take it
> >personally
> >
> >i feel discouraged by ur last email...
> >
> >i dont want to hurt u or cause u any more pain than i
have but i
> >almost feel like my website is being held hostage now.
> >
> >thats depressing.
> >
> >im sorry if my decisions hurt u.
> >
> >im really sorry
> >
> >s
>
>