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Caring, Regret, Change
Part 1
Last night I was teasing someone.
I wanted to feel superior to her; to show her that I could do
something better than she could. I forgot, though, about her
feelings. She told me that she didn't like it because it added to
her belief that she was bad at everything and can't do anything
well. I felt a little defensive and thought, "I was just
teasing." I told her that I just wanted to show off how good
I was at it, but that didn't make her feel much better. She
repeated that she didn't like it. Then she walked away. A few
minutes later we talked and she said she was feeling a little
self-destructive. I offered her a hug, but she was reluctant to
accept it. I could see she felt very bad. I apologized again for
teasing her earlier. This time I felt less defensive and felt
more sincere regret and empathy.
This morning I apologized again to her because I still felt bad
about what I did. She seemed to accept my apology, saying,
"It's ok." This reminds me now of one of my best
teachers, who used to say, "It's ok, best friend."
I am also reminded of the power of a sincere apology. And I think
of the very important difference between the words and the
feeling. I think of how teachers might insist that one child
apologize to another, yet the first one feels neither regret nor
empathy. This is a good example that you can force behavior, but
not the underlying feelings.
This simple truth is the basis of many social problems. It is so
simple, yet it is so often overlooked, forgotten, or never
realized.
Throughout our lives people want us to behave a certain way. They
use many tactics, strategies and methods to get us to do so. The
overwhelming emphasis in psychololgy has been on behavior.
Behavior modification. Behavioral therapy. Conditioning.
Punishment and rewards.
Behavior is easier to measure, to quantify. One person's behavior
serves another. The behavior of the worker serves the employer.
The behavior of the citizens serve the rulers and politicians.
The behavior of the slave serves the needs and desires of the
master.
An important question to always remember to ask ourselves is:
does the master care about how the slave feels? Does the boss
care how the worker feels? Does the teacher care how the student
feels? Does the parent care how the child or teen feels?
Getting back to apologies and forgiveness, it is much easier for
a teacher to get one child to apologize to another, than for her
to get the child to really feel bad for their action. In other
words, it is easier to force the behavior the teacher wants than
to force the feelings. We might say then that in general it is
easier to force behavior than feeligns. We might also say it is
easier to control behavior than feelings.
Since it is natural for most humans to do what is easier and
quicker, it makes sense then that so much of human history and
human interaction is based on behavior control. But what then of
feelings? What happens when the feelings don't match the
behavior?
What happens is our emotional needs get neglected on a massive
scale. When needs are not met, problems follow just as surely as
water flows downhill.
Remember that our feelings are indicators of the state of our
emotional needs. When an emotional need is umet, our bodies send
us a signal, just as when we are hungry, our bodies alert us.
When emotional needs are unmet we feel disatisfied, frustrated,
discontent.
When our emotional needs are filled, we feel content, satisfied,
good.
Of course there are many more specific feelings. We have
identified over 1,000 words
to describe negative feelings alone. But the point of this
article is to serve as a reminder of these five things:
1. Sincere apologies are very powerful.
2. Sincere apololgies arise from sincere feelings.
3. While behavior can be forced, sincere feelings, and therefore, sincerity itself, can not.
4. When behavior is controlled without regard for the underlying feelings, emotional needs get neglected.
5. When emotional needs are not met, personal and social problems quickly follow.