Invalidation
Invalidation may be the single most damaging form of psychological abuse
| Introduction Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. In fact, one definition of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment" (2) Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy. (Reference) Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference) Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird. None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different from the mass norm a person is, for example, more intelligent or more sensitive, the more he is likely to be invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities. Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality. Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is: First accept the feelings, then address the behavior. One the great leaders in education, Haim Ginott, said this:
We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:
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| You Can't Heal an
Emotional Wound with Logic People with high IQ and low EQ tend to use logic to address emotional issues. They may say, "You are not being rational. There is no reason for you to feel the way you do. Let's look at the facts." Businesses, for example, and "professionals" are traditionally out of balance towards logic at the expense of emotions. This tends to alienate people and diminish their potential. Actually, all emotions do have a basis in reality, and feelings are facts, fleeting though they may be. But trying to dress an emotional wound, with logic tends to either confuse, sadden or infuriate a person. Or it may eventually isolate them from their feelings, with a resulting loss of major part of their natural intelligence. Remember:
There are many forms of invalidation. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening. We know that something doesn't feel good, but we sometimes can't put our finger on it. We have been conditioned to think that invalidation is "normal." Indeed, it is extremely common, but it is certainly not healthy. I have heard parents and teachers call children:
I have also heard them say things like: "He cries at the drop of a hat." One teacher said "When she starts to cry, I just ignore her and eventually she stops." Another said, "When one kid's crying is disrupting the lesson, I tell them to go cry in the hall till they can pull themselves back together again." |
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| Defensiveness and Invalidation All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person. One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged." How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:
All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest. |
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| Self-Injury and Invalidation Invalidation has been suggested as one of the primary reasons people cut, burn and injure themselves. For example this quote is from Deb. Martinson (www.crystal.palace.net/~llama/selfinjury/guide.html)
Martnison also writes: ( service4you.net/selfinjury/aware.shtml -- link broken as of Feb 2011)
Also - Invalidation, Self-Harm - Discussion Invalidation has been suggested as one of the primary reasons people cut, burn and injure themselves. For example this quote is from Deb. Martinson (www.crystal.palace.net/~llama/selfinjury/guide.html)
Martnison also writes: ( service4you.net/selfinjury/aware.shtml -- link broken as of Feb 2011)
Also - Invalidation, Self-Harm - Discussion |
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| Examples of invalidating
expressions.
-- Each is an attempt to talk you out of
your feelings. "Ordering" You to Feel Differently Smile. Ordering you to "look" differently Don't look so sad. Denying Your Perception, Defending You've got it all wrong. Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You I tried to help you.. Trying to Isolate You You are the only one who feels that
way. Minimizing Your Feelings You must be kidding. Using Reason There is no reason to get upset. Debating I don't always do that. Judging & Labeling You You are a cry baby. Turning Things Around You are making a big deal out of
nothing. Trying to get you to question yourself What is your problem? Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act You should be excited. Defending The Other Person Maybe they were just having a bad
day. Negating, Denial & Confusion Now you know that isn't true. Sarcasm and Mocking Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your
little feelings? Laying Guilt Trips Don't you ever think of anyone but
yourself? Philosophizing Or Clichés Time heals all wounds. Talking about you when you can hear it She is impossible to talk to. Showing Intolerance This is getting really old. Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It Are you still upset over that? It
happened a long time ago. Explanations Maybe it is because... ------ Even when we are happy, unhappy people want to ruin it for us by saying diminishing things like: What are you so happy about? That's it? That's all you are so excited about? There was an expression I heard when I was growing up. It was "Who put a quarter in you?" A quarter is a 25 cent coin in the USA. It was a coin which was once enough to start music in a juke box. So the implication was the person was acting abnormally happy, excited, lively etc. ------ When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage. The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem. The high EQ person will never invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child. |
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| Here is an article on invalidation which uses some of the EQI thoughts | ||
| A letter from a social worker about
invalidation (copied with permission)
I felt very sad for the boy but I
wasn't sure how to handle the situation. |
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| Stories about Invalidation
I met someone once who said her boyfriend was jealous. I asked if he was able to say directly that he is jealous. She said yes. I asked him what she said in reply. She said she tells him he has no reason to be jealous! Later this same person said she felt disrespected when he walks in front of her. I asked what she thought he might say if she said, "I feel a little disrespected when you walk in front of me." She said he would probably say, "That is totally absurd!" These are two highly intelligent people, and both university graduates. They are highly skilled in debating facts, but untrained, uneducated and unskilled in listening and showing understanding. One day in Australia I decided to try hang gliding. I went up with an instructor, floated and flew above the waves and coastline for about 20 minutes, then landed on the sand. His wife was there to meet us so she could drive us back up to the top of the hill. Their son, about 8 years old, was with her. As the four of us were standing there a woman named Sue came up with a big smile on her face. She gave a warm hello to the couple, then asked the boy, "How's school, mate?" With a troubled look on his young face, the boy quietly said, "Not good." In response Sue exclaimed, sounding surprised and incredulous, "Not good!? I bet it is heaps of fun." Then she turned her attention back to the boy's parents. They started talking about some of their friends, smiling and laughing. Meanwhile all three of them completely ignored the boy. But I watched him. I watched his head drop. I watched his face change. I watched him turn away from the group. I watched him take a few steps, then just stand there, alone. I still find it hard to believe that anyone could miss a child's reaction that completely. I wondered how the three adults could stand there and laugh while that boy stood there alone, troubled now not only about school but also because no one was interested in his troubles. They wanted everything to be positive. They want it all to be good. But it wasn't all good for that boy. No one showed him any understanding whatsoever. What's worse is that when he gave them a golden opportunity to understand him and his world, he was completely invalidated, then completely ignored. Maybe his father was the type who would try to distract his son with thrilling and risky sports such as hang gliding, soccer, surfing, and race car driving. This is probably how he was taught to deal with feelings by his father and by the Australian culture. As long as you are active, you can't feel your emotional pain. But what if his son is not interested in sports? Then what? What will his father do then? What will his mother do? She seemed as athletic as the father, which makes sense of course. Otherwise they would not have been compatible. Again I feel guilty because I did not say anything. I just stood there, stunned, while I watched and made mental notes. I probably will never forget the dejected way he turned and walked away. And I never want to forget it. I want it to inspire me to keep working for the needs of children and teenagers. These were parents which most people would say are "good parents." I doubt anyone will ever accuse them of child abuse. But I say that what they did was child abuse. It was total emotional neglect at that moment. Now you might think this one incident is a small thing. Yes, it is. Maybe they are good listeners when it really counts. Maybe. But then again, maybe not. I say this one incident says a lot about their parenting style and about how children are psychologically invalidated every day. Either way, they all could have handled that situation much better. And that is why I am writing this story. To remind everyone that it is these little interactions with children that make a difference in their lives and in society. If one were to ask that child how much he felt understood, between 0 and 10, at that moment, what might he have said? I would guess he would say zero. Is that what we want? Is that acceptable to you? It is not acceptable to me. One day I expect there will be research which proves that children who did not feel understood by their parents, teachers, parents' friends, etc. are among the most self-destructive or socially destructive adults. We all need to feel understood. It is a basic, natural human need. It is not a right, it is not something nice to have. It is a need. When our needs go unmet one incident at a time, for years and years, we and society all suffer. |
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| Two out of three ain't bad There is an old song that goes:
I don't think telling the person not to be sad, and "two out of three ain't bad" would help them feel any better! ==== If you're feeling lonely, don't -- Lyrics from a song by Bryan Adams |
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Don't Think So Much. Don't Look So
Serious
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| Validation and Invalidation Excerpts from an article by Cathy Palmer-Scruggs (Full article) Recently, I had a few situations to come up
that called for some comfort from my friends. I really
needed them. A few came through for me in just 'being
there'...and others took it as their cue to 'give
advice'...and believe me, it only made the situation
worse. I did not ask anyone for advice. Note: I would say that it is a "need" to grieve. It doesn't make much sense to try to tell someone else that they have no "right" to tell you to get over it. This is invalidating their feelings almost the same as they are invalidating yours. Evidently they feel something which causes them to say "get over it" or whatever. Probably they feel uncomfortable with your pain. They might feel powerless to do anything to help you, so to have some sense of power over the situation they start trying to give you advice or order you around. S. Hein |
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| Here are
some notes that three teenagers gave to a friend of mine Teen 1: I'm sorry you feel that way. Wake up and look at the world, it's not made to please anyone, much less you. There is not one thing that gives you the right to say something like that to sarah. She is better than you will ever be. Just because your not strong enough to get over your own problems, it doesn't give you the right to try and make our lives worse. Grow up. Teen 2: We're all sick of everyone being mad at every one so please just hurry your ass up and get over your damn problems. Please, for every ones sakes. Teen 3 (with my friend's thoughts included) I have tried to understand your pain(right). I tried to be your friend. Somewhere you stopped talking to me(not true). I'm sure I did something and believe me, I do feel bad for it(yeah right). But this is getting really pathetic. I care about you (no you don't) (stop lieing). And I worry that you're hurting and won't get help(your the only one hurting me). Anyways, at the risk of sounding like a copy cat- grow up. Move on. Talk, write, sleep,walk, whatever it takes to get better(take your own advice). And if you want to talk, we're all here(no your not, never). Untill then, the silence and hurtful things we say to each other are getting really old(say that if you like but I know you like it). -------- Here are my comments: First, I wish they would teach the meaning of the word invalidation in school. It is probably more important than anything else they are teaching. My friend was invalidated over and over in these notes. Of course she doesn't feel cared for by her friends. Of course she doesn't consider that they are there for her. It is not being "there" for someone to judge them, label them, lecture to them, defend yourself, tell them what to do and invalidate them. I am especially upset about this because one of the people who wrote to her is another friend of mine. Someone I have been trying to teach about feelings and emotional support and invalidation for over two years. I am the only one who is teaching her these things though. At school and at home she is constantly invalidated herself and she sees only invalidation around her. I am really upset but I can't attack the friend I have been trying to teach because she already feels defensive and suicidal and is afraid I am mad at her. To her this implies I will abandon her and she is terrified of being alone. Yet she pushes people away by invalidating them and attacking them, since this is what is modeled around her. I am upset because I want her to care for people and to understand the meaning of the term invalidation and I want her to stop hurting people when she is hurt. I want her to have a better life than I have had. I was taught how to really hurt someone with my words. I am still trying to unlearn this. When you hurt people and invalidate people you push them away. Then you end up alone, even if you are living with someone or have created a family in an attempt to try to get the love you never got from your parents. Other comments: When the first teen says "I am sorry you feel that way" it is apparent she doesn't really feel empathy or if she does it is not the main message she delivers. Instead I would guess she feels judgmental, superior, self-righteous, controlling and intolerant. When the third teen says "I tried..." She is not showing empathy. She is defending herself. It is no wonder my friend feels cynical. It hurts more to have someone pretend to care when they are actually defending themselves and attacking you. When she says "Somewhere you stopped talking to me..." she is attacking and blaming the other person. When she says "and believe me" she is defending herself and implying that she is not sincere, because if she were sincere it would be evident and she wouldn't have to add "and believe me." Because the third person says "I'm sure I did something" without trying to figure what she did, she minimizes her role and responsibility. Thus, while the intention might have been good, the affect is that it ends up sounding more like a lecture than a show of empathy or regret. ps I cried when i read these notes. They are so hurtful and my friend has already been hurt so much. Then I got energized to post this so maybe I can help someone learn from them. S. Hein |
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| The Role of Emotion Inhibition in
Psychological Distress Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. , Duke University Abstract: Emotion avoidance and inhibition has been implicated as a common feature associated with borderline personality disorder. This presentation will discuss three studies that that have been recently conducted at the Duke Cognitive Behavioral Research and Treatment Program. The first study examined 127 participants to evaluate a developmental model in which chronic emotion inhibition mediates the relation between childhood emotional invalidation/abuse and adult psychological distress. Findings indicated that a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms. The second study examined a model in which inhibition of thoughts and emotion was predicted to mediate the relationship between the trait of negative affect intensity and acute psychological distress. Using structural equation modeling hypotheses were supported in both clinical and non-clinical samples, indicating its generalizability. The third study examined the effects of emotion suppression on classical conditioning. Participants were randomized to a suppression (n= 22; show or feel no emotion) or a non-suppression (n = 24; no instruction) condition. Data indicated that discriminative learning (assessed by galvanic skin response) occurred faster and was more robust for suppressors. Suppressors also exhibited less extinction. Results suggest that active attempts to suppress emotion may increase associations to an aversive event, implicating a mechanism by which certain disorders (e.g., PTSD, BPD) retain features associated with greater conditionability. Finally, directions regarding future research from our lab examining borderline personality disorder and a brief overview of a current study examining emotion suppression among suicidal patients will be discussed. Key Citations: Lynch, T.R., Robins, C.J., Morse, J.Q., & Krause, E.D. (2001). A mediational model relating affect intensity, emotion inhibition, and psychological distress. Behavior Therapy, 32, 519-536. Lynch, T.R., Krause, E.D., Morse, J.Q., Mendelson, T., Crozier, J., & LaBar, K.S. (2001). Role of emotion suppression in classical fear conditioning. In T.R. Lynch (Chair), Experiential avoidance and psychopathology: Recent research and methodological developments. Symposium conducted at the Association for the Advancement of Behavior Therapy 35th Annual Convention, Philadelphia. Krause, E.D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T.R. (in press). Childhood emotion invalidation and adult psychological distress: The mediating role of emotion inhibition. Journal of Child Abuse & Neglect. Krause, E. D., Robins, C.J., & Lynch, T.R. (2000). A mediational model relating sociotropy, ambivalence over emotional expression and eating disorder symptoms. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 24, 328-335. |
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| There is nothing wrong with
you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're making
everyone miserable One day I was talking about depression with a self-harming teen in the UK named Loz. Here is part of that conversation.
Loz had never heard of invalidation before she found EQI.org, so I showed her our page on it, hoping it would help her be more aware of what is happening to her. - Nov 27, 2005 |
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| It's
not going to happen Once I was telling someone that I was afraid about something. The other person quickly said "It's not going to happen." This didn't help me feel any better. In fact, I felt worse. |
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| Invalidating
Songs From a reader... ...I have been collecting a little
list with my husband of 'invalidating songs' myself (we
are both psychologists with an interest in how
invalidation creates psychological trauma). |
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| Invalidation and Children I believe that invalidating a sensitive child is a crime against humanity. S. Hein |
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| Footnotes 1. At the time I first wrote this was my own hypothesis. Later I was informed of the definition of "borderline personality disorder" which is based on invalidation. If you are aware of any scientific research on invalidation and the connection between it and later emotional problems, please let me know. See also section self-injury and invalidation. 2. http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm 3. Reference to R.D. Laing is from chapter 1 of Claude Steiner's book Achieving Emotional Literacy Hat Jai is a city filled with prostitutes, massage houses, and shopping centers. It is near the border of Malaysia. It is filled with tourists. They come for the prostitutes and for the shopping. In Malaysia it is much more difficult to find a prostitute, because it is a Muslim country. So the Muslims who can afford it, cross the border and pay for the services of a Thai female. While I was there I also met some soldiers from the Singapore military who came all the way up for the same reason. While there is no lack of prostitutes in Singapore, I am guessing the Thai prostitutes are a lot more friendly than the Singapore females. Around three in the morning one night while I talked to Winston, I watched some of them come back to their hotel from work. Not one of them looked like she he had smiled in the past few years. And they all looked pretty much exactly like the females I would see during the day in the shopping malls. Short tight skirts and high heels, for example. And all with cell phones of course, just like the females in the shopping malls. |
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