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Pre-emptive invalidation is defined as trying to stop someone from feeling the way they might feel before they even have the chance to feel it or express themselves. Below are some examples.
I am simply Don't take it personallym, but.. Don't be offended, but.. Don't be hurt, but... |
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am simply....
Example I am simply emailing you to request that..... ...ie I am not pressuring you so don't feel pressured. Don't feel burdened. Don't feel manipulated. |
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Once I was talking to someone and she said, "Don't be jealous." She then realized her mistake and said "Oops... I don't know just how to word that..Maybe it would be better to say "I hope you aren't jealous..." As you can see, she was afraid I was going to feel jealous by what she was telling me. She obviously didn't want me to feel jealous and was trying to talk me out of my feelings or future feelings even before I had the chance to say anything. This is why I call it "pre-emptive invalidation." People often say things like "Don't be scared" or "Now don't get upset when I tell you this, but..." before a person has even shown that they are scared or upset. Saying "I hope you don't feel.. " is an improvement over saying "Don't feel..." but it still doesn't allow the person a chance to say how they actually do feel. The main reason people pre-emptively invalidate someone else is because they are afraid of that person's reaction. So the most direct way to communicate their feelings and allow the other person to reply is to say something like "I am afraid you will feel...", then ask how the person actually does feel, and give them a chance to speak. S. Hein
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Please Don't Hate me. I'm Not Trying to Judge You Someone was trying to be helpful to me one day by giving me advice and telling me what I "needed" to do. She was afraid I would feel judged and resentful. So as a way of pre-emptive invalidation she said, "Please don't hate me I'm not trying to judge you. I'm telling you how I feel." Actually, by giving advice she wasn't expressing her feelings in the way described on our emotional literacy page, but that is another topic. The point here is that she tries to pre-emptively talk me out of the feelings she is afraid I will have without asking me how I did actually feel when I got her email and without actually stating any of her feelings, such as her fears that I would hate her or feel judged. To avoid this kind of pre-emptive invalidation try to catch yourself when you are about to say something like this, or once having said it, try to re-phrase things and a) express your feelings with specific feeling words, b) ask the other person how they feel and c) ask if they feel the way you are afraid or suspect they might.
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