Emotional Intelligence | Emotional Abuse | Depression | Teen Suicide
Jessica, 14 as of February 2005
Conversation she had with her cousin
Leaving Jessica
Jessica is 14. She lives in a small town in Peru. The first night I met her I talked with her and her older sister, Odalis, who is 27.
It's hard for me to write about Jessica. I will just make some notes now.
Jessica was crying. Saying her father will never understand her. Saying she would rather talk to her dog than to her parents. Saying she doesn't want to tell them anything anymore. Saying she feels understood 2 out of 10 by her father. Then later saying, he really doesn't understand me at all.
The older sister sitting there with a cold look on her face while Jessica cried. When Jessica stopped talking the first thing the sister said was "Las cosas no son asi, Jessica" - This means: That's not how things are Jessica.
I asked the sister to tell me how she was feeling, using a feeling word. She couldn't do it. She said, "Mira...." - "Look..."
Like in English, when someone says "Look..." they are feeling defensive.
I asked the sister how she could sit there and watch Jessica cry and not give her a hug. I told her to give Jessica a hug so she got up and patted her head like a dog, but this was still better than nothing for Jessica and she reached out to her sister and put her head against her leg and cried.
Jessica told me the next day that her father came into her room a few days ago and hit her with a belt while she was sleeping. He told her that is how things were going to be unless she started getting up earlier.
Jessica wrote this to me after we had talked about 30 minutes.
hola mi nombre es jessica ,espero que mi famila cambie por que todo lo que hacen es lo que les gusta nunca me me dejan opimar son te entiendes solo lo que dicen es lo que debe ser . espero visitar tu pagina y imprimirla para que mis familiares, mis amigos,y profesores la analicen.
espero que te vaya bien en todo por que eres una persona que agada a todos .hogala cambies el mundo por quetienes una nuevaforma de pensar .
chaoooooooo.
It says something like .
Hello, my name is Jessica. I hope that my family changes because all they do is what they want to do. They never let me give my opinion. They think only what they say is how things should be. I hope to visit your page and print it out for my family, my friends and my teachers so they can study it.
I wish you well because you are a person who helps (?) everyone. I hope you change the world because you have a new way of thinking.
Bye.
Jessica feels pain when she sees injustice. She wants to change things. She wants to help people. But she gets almost no support from her family.
The night she was crying her sister also said "Jessica needs to change."
The family thinks Jessica is too rebellious. The adults in Peru think being rebellious is a bad thing. They think the way you teach a child or teen not to be rebellious is to hit them.
Jessica is very interested in politics. She told me things about they mayor (alcalde) of their town and about the president of Peru and the congressmen. She thinks it is wrong that the congressmen get paid so much money for sitting in chairs and doing nothing.
Has 4 sisters. Only one is supportive of her emotionally. But that one is living in Lima now. Odalis, the 27, year old thinks that sister, 21 and named Fabianny, is too rebellious too. Jessica told her Odalis that Fabianny has thought of killing herself. When I asked Jessica if she has also thought of suicide she said yes. Odalis said nothing.
I got to spend a lot of time with Jessica yesterday. It is rare to be able to spend a lot of time with a teenager anywhere in the world really, but especially in South America it seems. Still we didn't have time alone. Some of the family always has to tag along. Here is a pic of us on the way to the lake. The girl next to Jessica is 8. She is something like a second cousin. Her name is Jhovanna. Her mother also hits her. Jhovanna is holding a little puppy. Puppies give abused children like Jhovanna a small sense of love, comfort, connection and security.
Here is a close up of Jessica's face. You can see she has already had a hard life at age 14.
Some more things I remember
Jessica says that there is no one else who thinks like her in the town. She said the girls in school are interested in clothes and boyfriends. She also told me she got tired of going to church and doesn't go anymore.
When I asked if her mother were very religious she said yes, and told me her mother prays every night.
Later Jhovanna's sister, Horly, 13, came to join us and we all sat and talked while it rained.
This is Horly. Her mother hit her a couple weeks ago when she came back "too late" from a party. She came back at 7pm.
Jhovanna told me that her mother will often apologize after she hits her, and sometimes start to cry. Knowing this, I decided it was worth a try to talk to the mother. So yesterday we did talk for a while and I tried to give her some suggestions of things to do instead of hittiing her daughters. She told me she hits them if they go outside without telling her. So I suggested she tell them that she feels afraid and worried when they go out. And that she tells them that she worries about them because she loves them. This way they will feel loved instead of afraid. The mother seemed to be a little receptive.
-
I talked to the father a little last night, or it would be more accurate to say he talked. I asked him a couple of questions like "What do you want for Jessica?" He talked for about ten minutes and I talked for about 30 seconds. I don't think I am exagerating much. It didn't take me long to say "What do you want for Jessica" and "Would you rather have Jessica work for someone else or work for herself". But as he talked he defended himself, even though I didn't accuse him of anything. He said things like, "If a daughter wants to go to the discotech and the father says no, then the daughter complains that she has a bad father." I told them I was a psychologist. Titles are important here. So even though I don't have a little piece of paper that says I obeyed all the rules and did what all the professors told me to do for 4 years or whatever, I don't feel too guilty saying to someone here that I am a psychologist. So anyhow, even though I told him I was a psychologist, he never once asked me for my opinion on anything. This is typical of insecure parents.
More things I remember about Jessica
Her family expects her to "help" with their restaurant. She doesn't get paid for this help, so she has no money of her own. They complain when she would rather read a book or study.
The father once complained that she was costing him a lot of money when he had to pay 50 soles, about 15 US dollars to enroll her in school.
The parents made two of her sisters study things they didn't want to study in college. They made one study to be a teacher, since they thought there were jobs for teachers and they made the other study sewing, since that cost less than studying other professions. Both sisters dropped out of school and got married.
--
At the lake near Jessica's house. Jessica took this pic.
Then Horly wanted to take a pic
.
Then Jhovanna wanted to take one. The others said "no, we have enough pics, let's go" but I let her take one because I know how important little things like this are for kids.
Here is an old canoe, carved out of a tree:
--
More notes from our convos
She said she wouldn't run away because her parents would "die". She said they would cry and worry. I told her this didn't make too much sense. To worry about them dying when they are killing her.
She sleeps in the same room as her parents. She has her own bed but it is the same room as them. She said sometimes when she gets scared she asks her mother to come sleep with her. I told her how sad I thought this was - that she would seek security from the same person who hits her.
Yet this is how it is for children from abusive families. They need some sense of security, but where are they going to get it? So they look for it in the people who are abusing them.
Last night as I was sitting at the table Antony came out of the kitchen crying. I heard Jessica call out to him She said "Antony. Ven!." - Come! But she didn't go after Antony. So he just went outside, alone. Crying.
I thought of the night before when Jessica had been crying, alone, while her sister sat there and did nothing but invalidate her.
In the kitchen were:
- Odalis
- Jessica and Odalis' mother
- A male neighbor who was telling jokes
Moments after Antony left the kitchen crying, they were all laughing inside the kitchen. Antony's older brother came out, Jhonny (that is how they spell it here) who is 8 years old. I asked him if he could get Jessica. So he did. Jessica came out and we talked. I asked what happened. She told me Odalis had pulled on Antony's nose because he was hurting a cat, or that is what it looked like to her. Jessica said she felt pain when he was crying and wanted to go after him but they told her
"Dejalo que llorar solo, lo vas a malcriar."
This means something like:
Let him cry alone. You are going to spoil him.
I almost cried when I heard this. I told Jessica that nearly everything she was being taught was wrong. I told her that her heart was right, not the adults around her. I told her to always listen to her heart and not to the adults.
Later I looked into Jessica's eyes. I looked deeply into them. I saw a young person trying so hard to make a positive difference in the world, and getting no support. She asked me why I was looking at her. I couldn't answer. I started to cry. I wanted to hug her and tell her I loved her and tell her how special and beautiful she was. When she saw me crying she said "Don't cry." But then she leaned down and gave me a brief hug. I was afraid someone would walk out of the kitchen and see us and think something else was going on. Of course they would never understand the connection that Jessica and I made after just one day together. They probably would stop Jessica from spending time with me. This is how adults are. Like the book The Little Prince. It is one of Jessica's favorite books. This says a lot about her. So many little things say so much about her. I don't want to leave Jessica. I want to be there for her everyday when the adults around her say soul-killing things like "Let him cry alone. You are going to spoil him." I want to explain to her why they are wrong and why her heart is right.
I asked Jessica if anyone had ever encouraged her to follow her heart. She said no. I wasn't too surprised.
I told her she had good instincts. Then I asked if she knew what instincts were. She said no. So I explained about how a bird knows how to make a nest and how a spider knows how to make a web. And I told her humans also have instincts. And I told her that her instincts were more true than the things the adults told her. I told her the adults are killing her natural instincts.
Something she wrote as she, Odalis and I talked
I don't understand all of these but I put a few translations in
aspecto =aunque sea horible
respeto=hacia todos (respect = towards everyone)
poder=amar (power = love)
momentos=para reflexionar (moments = for reflection0
entender=a todos (understanding = everyone)
pensar=para meditar (to think = for meditation)
expresar=los sentimientos (express - feelings)
estar=en los momentos que mas necesitamos
disfrutar=la vida (enjoy = life)
sonar= despierto dream = awake?)
matar=a el dinero (kill = money)
"quereme cuando menos lo meresca por que sera cuando mas lo
necesite" --- love me when I least deserve it, because that
is when I most need it
jessy/yesika_7_7@ hot...
when i went downstairs the next morning...
music blasting, jessica cleaning a table, the 8 year old comes out to talk to me. (jhovanna) i ask if odalis is there she yes... then she says do you want me to get her? i say yes thank you.
-- horly said sometimes her 8 year old sister jhovana deserves to be hit, like when she lies
(later I explained to them that when a child lies it is because they are afraid of telling the truth. and children don't start out as liars. so the parents are to blame when a child lies.)
she also said that sometimes jessica deserved to be hit if she didn't obey her parents when they told her to go work in the field. but after we talkd for a while she said she was mistaken. now she says that if jhovana lies the mother is at fault. and now she says a child never deserves to be hit.
-- horly dijo que a veces jhovana merese ser pegada y, por ejemplo cuando ella miente.
tambien dijo que jessica a veces merese ser pegada por ejemplo cuando no obedece a sus padres...
jess told me her father hit her with a belt because she didn't get up early enough
and he said he would keep doing it if she didn't start getting up early.
si no te levantas temprano tus dias van a ser asi
then we saw the mayor of the town walking down the road. i asked if we could talk a minute. he agreed there was a lot of violence and said he has given a talk on the television about it. but he said no one does anything.
i asked jessica if i could tell him the truth and she looked so scared she looked like she was going to cry. she said later that everyone in the town would talk and since her father is a city offical, imagine what would happen. and he probably would hit her more.
children are taught you should respect anyone who is older than you, just because they are older.
they are taught it is a sign of disrespect to talk back.
yet i wonder if the adults think it is natural for a person to defend themselves.
and how someone could ever be understood when a) no one asks for their opinion b)no one asks what they want or how they feel c) they are never allowed to "talk back"
February 17, 2005
pomacochas with Odalis (big) and Jessica and Jhonny. Odalis is 27 Jesssica 14 and will be 15 on August. jesskitt_jpk @ hm
i asked johnny if he thought it was good advice or bad advice to tell the boy (in the book the little prince) to stop drawing. johnny said it was good advice because drawing isn't good for anything.
and jessica said it was bad advice because everyone has to do what they want.
one time jessica wanted to buy a book called "how to raise children" written by a psychologist. her mother wouldn't buy the book
her father was drunk and jessica wanted to go to the lecture so she convinced her mother to go
she said not many parents went because there was no fine for not going. (in peru it is common to give the parents fines for not going to school meetings)
At about 8pm I watched Odalis "helping" Horly and Jhovanna to get made up for their cousin's wedding. To me this "help" meant forcing Horly to sit there while Odalis put braids in her hair, even though Horly wanted to get up, Odalis putting make up on her as if she were angry at her, then forcing Jhovanna to sit there while she turned her head one way then another to brush her hair)
This hurt me so much I wanted to talk to Jessica to try to relieve my pain. So I asked Antony to call her, which he did and she came up to my room. I asked J what she thought of weddings:
son bonitas por que son fiestas por que bailen, musica, torta y licor tambien por que se reunen la mayoria de la familia
they are pretty/nice because they are parties, dancing, music, cake, liquor, and most of your family gets together
Then we talked about why the South Americans have so many parties and listen to the music so loud and drink so much. She agreed it was to stop feeling their pain.
Later I asked her what would make her happy. She said
- for bush to disappear, he is the worst president in the world
- that there won't be countries so there wouldnt be wars (then I played Imagine, which she had heard but never understood the words to)
as we listened to the song she she added, "if there weren't countries we could all share things and not have to fight and kill over". She said this before the song said the basically the same thing.
- that my country copy the ideas of other countries where there is no abuse of chldren
- that the trees could talk because then you could talk to them and they wouldn't run away like dogs
- change parents, make them feel, listen
- a free life
- for money to disappear
- for drugs to disappear
I asked her what she did that day. I was trying to help her see she is not using her mind.
got up at 10, i ate breakfast - my mother and odalis cooked it. then i cleaned up the wet floor. then you and i talked, then i had to do the laundry, then i had lunch then i talked to my father about hitting me and i said i would report him if he did it again. and he and my uncle just laughed. in the afternoon she went to feed the pigs and open an email account for her friend. (we never got past the afternoon..)
she thinks she can't leave because she has things she "has to do" here. I said what do you mean you "have to do" them. She said I have responsibilties.
she had also told me she can't leave because it would hurt her parents. "they would die" she said.
she talked to her mother about the idea of living in another city and her mother said "no, you are fine here." Jessica didn't say anything. she has learned there is no point to trying to talk to her parents.
i asked if she really would report him and she said no. so i told her it was dangerous to tell someone you are going to do something and then not do it. since once someone knows you won't do it, they will just feel more free to hit you and even taunt you about it.
We talked until about ten 15. then her father walked past when he was showing someone to their hotel room. a few minutes later he called her and told her it was time for bed. Within seconds she got up, said "I have to go" and was out the door. the servant girl followed right behind.
two things really scared me from our talk 1) that she already has been brainwashed to believe she has "responsibilities" 2) she has given up trying to talk to her parents when they say no to something. Besides that it scares/discourages me that she still finds comfort in her family, that she is afraid to leave her town because she will miss her abusive family and non-supportive friends. Even though the family is abusive and the friends are non-supportive, this is all the emotional support she has ever known. Like drinking dirty, toxic water when there is nothing else to drink. And then getting addicted to it. Also, when she jumped up when her father told her to go to bed.
---
around 3 in the morning...
the pain is so intense
i open up my laptop.
dont know what to write.
thinking about daniela.
still hasn't written me since i wrote "i give up"
jessica thinks her family is a source of security. but no one in her family supports her or even really knows her
family is one of the biggest lies
education is another
religion is another
la patria is another
how much pain can i take
when is it time for me to fly
can i hear jessica say "i don't want to leave my family"
what family? people who try to break your spirit. to make you conform. to stop thinking. to not feel pain when you see injustice?
to believe it is your "responsibility" to feed the pigs?
to mop the floor which go wet because your father never bothered to fix the broken toilet
to do the laundry for the rest of the "family" which has more clothes than they need.
-- yesterday she told me about a classmate whose mother beat him so badly he couldn't go to school for a week.
she said the whole school knew about it but no one did anything about it. they all talked about other things.
she was crying as she told me
i gave her a hug and she accepted it. unlike esmeralda. i don't want to see jessica become like esmeralda. daniela also couldn't accept hugs.
the mother said "why do you need to go to pedro or rioja, they have internet here"
- they made her be a brigadeer. they told her they would lower her grade if she didn't (this means a member of the student police)
she told me about being forced to collect money for the church, in their school uniforms, like in chiclayo. she said "supposedly the money goes to poor countries, but what about peru, we are a poor country."
it is 3:38 am now
i am afraid that the parents are getting too afraid of us talking. i am afraid tomorrow they will put a stop to it.
i don't want to leave jessica. she needs someone to listen to her, someone to give her hugs when she cries, to validate her, to let her feel free and safe to cry. someone who won't say "that's now how things are, jessica" or "you need to change your attitude"
this country is so totally fucked up.
the mother saw us talking. saw jessica crying. jessica had just told me the story about her friend who was beaten so badly he couldn't go to school. the mother asked what was happening. i was afraid to tell the mother what we were really talking about, to bring up the subject of how the mother and father hit her, so i asked jessica if i could tell her about the friend. she said yes so i told the mother that is what we were talking about. the mother said "jessica, get up off the floor."
jessica said, "i like it here." the mother left. then said on the way out to the servant girl, who she put in the room a few minutes earlier to "protect" jessica, no doubt "if I need you i will call you". she said it like a threat.
so the servant girl sat there and listened to us. it made it a little harder to talk to jessica. i asked jessica if i could tell the sg about her father hitting her while she was in bed. jess said yes. so i told her then said, "what do you think of that" servant girl, 12, said nothing. not surprisng. severant girls are servants because they have been taught only to obey. not to think for themselves. not to have opinions. so i said, "do you think it is okay or it is bad" she said "malo" - bad.
that is about all servant girl said for the next 45 minutes or so even though several times i tried to include her in the convo.
at one point i asked sg if her parents hit her. she said no. i asked if they just yelled at her and she said yes, but not much. i asked if that was because she always obeyed them and she said yes.
then i said, jessica does not always obey. she is more rebellious. and i admire her for that. then i asked her if anyone had ever told her they admire her. she said yes, her classmates when she gets good grades.
--
horly was dressed in a slinky, silvery/grey dress. high heel shoes. make up. looked like a cocktail waitress. not a 13 year old. i wondered, what is the point of making her look sexually attractive when she can't even invite her male friends over to her house? (not only will the mother not allow it, but all the neighbors will talk)
i really think this has to be the most fucked up continent on earth, though i don't know africa that well. it would be interesting to see what the catholics would do with that continent.
i wonder why more blacks aren't catholic.
why so many are baptists, evangelicals.
maybe because there is more shouting, more singing, even more violence and abuse.
and the ideas are even more simplistic
maybe guilt trips don't work as well on them. just pure fear.
sounds like i am racist. sorry. just thinking out loud.
but really why are so many blacks baptists and evangelicals and not catholics
and not buddhists?
i don't think i have ever met a black buddhist in my life.
i am trying to teach jessica why people drink, listen to loud music, go to parties and dance. she is starting to understand. she said last night "so they won't feel their pain"
in the usa it is all of the above, plus so much more. drugs for example.
yesterday i told jessica she could be the administrator of a school without a degree in teaching. the adminstrator/owner doesn't need one. just the teachers. she liked that idea.
her father thinks it is a good idea for her to work for herself. he said things like so a person can take time off when they want.
it's 4 in the morning. i want to cook my eggs. maybe i will go downstairs and see if i can use the kitchen or if it is locked up.
-- 4:39 now I just went for a walk - kitchen was locked up - heard some loud music. checked it out. was the wedding party. could hardly believe they were still blasting music out of the room with no windows at 4:30 in the morning. incredible to me how people put up with this. how little respect there is for sleep.
saw all the drunk men, pissing in the street, nearly falling down, then some of them going back upstairs to the party to drink more. went up myself to have a look. wondered if it was the same wedding party that Horly was going to. yes. i saw her as soon as I walked in. She was dancing. At 4:30 in the morning surrounded by a room full of drunks. 13 year old Horly was dancing. with some teenager who looked harmless enough, but still, I could hardly believe it. Before I left for my walk, I saw her mother, the one who has four children from four different men, in the hallway. So I assumed Horly had come home with her. But no, the same mother who hit Horly for coming back "late" one day, let's her stay alone at a party full of drunk men.
came back for my cam. took some pics
the pics didn't come out at all cuz the batteries were too low for the flash
later walked around saw more drunks. later men fighting in street - others go to watch .rmo time with manuel.
--
parents, teachers are training kids/teens to feel powerless. not to even try to change things. if they can't change things at home, can't change things at school, can't even given their opinions, how could they possibly believe they could change things later in life?
The last two pics I have of Jessica.
Folding napkins in her parents' restaurant the morning she said we would work together.
Happily walking with a friend after talking for 20 minutes about the history of Peru, deciding not to try to leave her little town and not to try to stop her parents from hitting her.
maria teresa (friend - father lives in another city) learned keyboard quickly
told me her mother hit her a few days ago when she went to someone's house at 8 in the morning. the mother told her to come back at 10. she came back at 12:30 and the mother hit her.
put link to student police, esmeralda,