These punishments smack of a lack of sophistication RE the minds of
teenagers They are often fragile little beings trying to negotiate their
way from childhood to adulthood. All sorts of changes and issues of
boundaries and control can come to the surface as a result.

I have always felt that a reward for something is preferable to punishment except
when someone is at risk of being harmed. Too much punishment feeds
into the passive aggressive instinct that is so alive in many teenagers.
Teenagers need to be able to lock themselves in the bedroom sulk and spend
hours wasting time on things they love and need to do.

In conclusion problems are always shared between parents and teenagers.

My final favorite saying is "If it is good for me it is good for them If
it is bad for me it is bad for them" Works every time

I know I was once a teenager and so were you and everyone else.

This has got me all fried up

Susan

Here are Susan's itemized responses

- Have them pick a large pile of something up from one place and put it in
another place. Anything you have in large piles would be fine.

0

- Give away something of theirs to some needy charity.

They couldn't care less

- Take away their bedroom door if they¹re rude or they slam it.

That is an overstepping of a boundary. The teenager is entitled to his own space and to exclude others from it even if there are mushrooms growing under the bed.

- If they won¹t pick up their clothes then hang said clothes on the front
fence including their smalls.

Rather childish tit for tat The teenagers bedroom is his space and if he chooses to live that way that I think that's fine. Personally I think New Zealanders are far too neurotic about housework

- If they won¹t pick up their filthy clothes dye them pink (probably works
better for boys).

What a waste of dye 0

- Auction off their precious things at any one of a number of online auction
sites.

Cruel 0

- Put all their messy stuff in a big black plastic bag and either impound it
or bin it.

Overstepping of a boundary. The parent can't control their space 0

- Make them post embarrassing and revealing information about themselves on
their Facebook page. (eg Hey did you know I used to wet the bed till I was
7?)

Shaming and cruel and defamatory 0

- Make them suffer through a number of family movie nights where you
deliberately watch something you know will bore them to the point of physical
pain.

Controlling and ineffective 0

- When they have friends over it is only allowed to be in the family area and
not in their room. The fact that you are around when their friends are there
will distress them almost to the point of mental breakdown. You can add to
this distress by making sure that you talk to their friends at length
whenever they are there

Cruel and controlling and unintelligent

- Make them endure a prescribed number of hugs from you. These can be
distributed at any time, and must be met without wincing, sneering, or
whining.

Controlling rather than encouraging 0

- Make them write a poem about how great you are to get something back
they¹ve lost for rudeness (eg an iPod or phone). It must rhyme.

What a joke

--

I don't know where these came from but as a child psychologist if
these are parenting practices in NZ no wonder there are so many upset and
terrorized kids.

Please feel free to quote me as a Psychoanalytic Psychologist and Child therapist.
www.alldredlugtonsusan.co.nz

Susan

1. Self-awareness, the ability to introspect and be conscious of one’s
self.

2. Embarrassed self-consciousness, a painful and shameful awareness of the self as the object of the other’s unempathic attention.

3. A compulsive and hypochondriacal preoccupation with the self: A compelling need to look in mirrors and to evoke mirroring responses from others.

(Phil Mollon “The Fragile Self”, Whurr Publishers 1993)

If we force our children into the second state then we are risking the third state dominating them as adults and hampering their emotional lives.

Also - purely as a matter of self interest, the other outcome may well be that when we are old and grey, our children, who will then be far more powerful than us, may well force us into that second state and feel as little empathy for us as we once did for them. Surely what we should be aiming for is the first state where we can encourage self-awareness by being honest about how rude or dismissive behaviour affects us, by letting our kids know when we feel hurt or belittled, and reminding them how bad that can feel. If we have already damaged them by lack of empathy for them in previous years, then this, of course, will have little effect.

--

Mary Farrell (B.A. (Hons), PGCE, Post Grad Dip Psychotherapy, Registered Psychotherapist, Advanced Clinical Practitioner MNZAP)
Author “Acts of Trust” Exisle 2005
www.maryfarrell.co.nz

A little history...

In Mary's first reply to us she gave a "0" to the list of suggestions. When I wrote and asked if I could publish her name she wrote back:

Yes. It should be called - "Want to get your teenager to hate you? Just follow this advice and when you are old and grey they won't come anywhere near you and you'll be all by yourself in the rest home!"

I find even the idea that we need to 'punish' our children dismaying. The strength of the relationship, plus some logical consequences* has always worked for me...

People are clearly at the end of their rope if they're threatening and shaming their children, and it damages the relationship as well. Neither do I suggest a lack of boundaries, as children thrive and feel safe within clear limits.


*an example from when he was little was that if he didn't clean up his toys after playing with them (and that was the stated deal) I would let him know that it would be a couple days before I'd allow him to get them out again.